The retards — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | The retards | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... The retards! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jeffrey Epstein. The man is a philanthropist. A freaking philanthropist. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-129 (L)
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, draws first blood! A scoop layup to start!
Joe Biden gets blocked! Rejected harder than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Jeffrey Epstein with the backcourt violation! A philanthropist going backwards with the game!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free driving to the hoop! Costly lapse!
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Into the tunnel. Joe Biden grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Confession: Joe Biden believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
A half-court heave from Stephen Curry catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jeffrey Epstein, this first-ballot legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Stephen Curry loses the leather in traffic! This established star can't afford that!
Stephen Curry takes off the towel! This guy everybody knows showing hot head!
Jeffrey Epstein wipes a tear! A philanthropist who poured everything into the effort!
Joe Biden stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. LeBron James comes back to get him. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
113-87 (W)
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This bonafide star is in the building!
Joe Biden converts a tough pull-up jumper off the pick and roll! Skill level: elite!
Jeffrey Epstein picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure philanthropist reflexes!
Stephen Curry with the touch pass! This guy everybody knows barely had the ball and found the man!
This basketball god Joe Biden recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Break! LeBron James has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Little scoop: LeBron James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, overpowers for a catch-and-shoot triple! Size matters!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A roaring arena as LeBron James steps up!
Jeffrey Epstein brings energy off the bench! This living legend infectious enthusiasm!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone with next-level basketball IQ! Leader!
Michael Jordan can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Jeffrey Epstein rips the net off the rim. Stephen Curry wraps it around his neck like a scarf. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-87 (W)
Jeffrey Epstein gets the starting nod! A philanthropist starting with their bare hands confidence!
Joe Biden with the step-back alley-oop! Creating space like a university professor with their lecture notes!
Michael Jordan forces the shot-clock violation! Insane court vision on full display!
Michael Jordan, this living legend, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a finger roll!
Joe Biden uses a relentless run and gun to get open! Open space created with their lecture notes smarts!
That's a cut. Michael Jordan stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Quick anecdote about Michael Jordan: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Jeffrey Epstein with a bucket off the screen! Read that play like a textbook!
The crowd chants Jeffrey Epstein's name! A roaring arena for the philanthropist with their bare hands!
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this generational talent!
Joe Biden's journey from the young scholars to a deep three inspires an incredible energy!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan caps off a special night! A primal scream! Until next time!
Jeffrey Epstein launches his shoe into the air. Stephen Curry catches it. Standing ovation. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
122-96 (W)
This global icon Michael Jordan opens the scoring! A sky hook! Early advantage!
Jeffrey Epstein converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
Michael Jordan with the chase-down iron-wall defense! What athleticism!
Michael Jordan with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on that one!
Jeffrey Epstein slows the pace when the team needs it! This potential GOAT tempo control!
Halftime whistle. Jeffrey Epstein flops into the first available chair. I've been told Jeffrey Epstein always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
This hall-of-fame lock Joe Biden with a cold-blooded thunderous slam! No conscience!
The arena trembles! Stephen Curry with the play and an electric crowd follows!
Jeffrey Epstein plugs the gap! Plugging holes with philanthropist efficiency!
Joe Biden, this undisputed superstar, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A hostile crowd!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, points to the crowd! A chest bump! This was for the fans!
Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-82 (W)
LeBron James shoots into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
Stephen Curry scores with a gym-rat work ethic. A finger roll from the right corner! Too smooth!
LeBron James reads the defense like a book! Assist off the pick and roll! Natural-born leadership!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, with the exclamation-point finger roll! Game changer!
This certified GOAT candidate Joe Biden comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Break. LeBron James asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Stephen Curry spins through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Joe Biden, this guy with rings on every finger, waves to the crowd early! The outcome settled!
Jeffrey Epstein smuggled their bare hands onto the gymnasium! The ref is investigating!
Michael Jordan blows a kiss to the fans! Cool as you like, a team high-five!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, acknowledges the fans! Wild stands! A chest bump!
Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan pretend to fish Jeffrey Epstein out of the crowd. They pull hard. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-95 (W)
The game begins and Jeffrey Epstein is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Joe Biden handles the rock like their lecture notes. A sky hook under the basket! The precision of a university professor!
Michael Jordan a defensive rebound at the critical moment! Freakish explosiveness right on cue!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, hits the cutter perfectly! Iron discipline right on time!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Next-level basketball IQ!
Halftime! LeBron James is limping slightly heading off the court. Little scoop: LeBron James logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
LeBron James, this titan, muscles in for a layup! Pure power!
Standing room only! A Finals-like atmosphere as Stephen Curry takes over from the left corner!
Stephen Curry finds the open teammate! This big-name player making everyone better!
Stephen Curry dishes with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
LeBron James sits on the bench with a smile! This basketball god job well done!
LeBron James jumps into Michael Jordan's arms without warning. They both go down. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-107 (L)
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
LeBron James clanks another one off the rim! This all-time great needs to find rhythm!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Stephen Curry turns the head and loses the man! This big-name player napping defensively!
A step-back three from Stephen Curry! That's scary good handles at the highest level!
Intermission. Joe Biden dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little scoop: Joe Biden tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
LeBron James storms to the bench! This once-in-a-lifetime player is visibly upset!
Jeffrey Epstein, this household name, comes up empty! A two-handed slam off target from the right corner!
Michael Jordan blows past into the right spacing! Scary good handles and elite court awareness!
This undisputed superstar Jeffrey Epstein has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This basketball god LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Michael Jordan collapses into the first available chair. LeBron James stays standing, eyes glazed over. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
114-94 (W)
Jeffrey Epstein, this absolute legend, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan capitalizes from the right corner! A catch-and-shoot triple with nerves of steel!
Michael Jordan with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Jeffrey Epstein dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this philanthropist!
Joe Biden sets the screen at the perfect angle! This hall-of-fame lock cerebral play!
Well-deserved break. Michael Jordan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Michael Jordan once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Jeffrey Epstein pulls off a buzzer-beater out of nowhere! Was that basketball or philanthropist magic? Unbelievable!
This elite player Stephen Curry acknowledges the fans! An incredible energy of mutual respect!
Joe Biden trusts the system! Trust of a university professor trusting their lecture notes!
Stephen Curry dribbles like a player possessed! Freakish explosiveness unleashed!
Michael Jordan shoots into the tunnel with the W! This undisputed superstar all smiles!
Jeffrey Epstein makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Michael Jordan makes a bigger heart. Joe Biden makes a massive heart. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
108-93 (W)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James dishes the Wilson with iron discipline. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Joe Biden steals the ball! Quick hands from challenging the young scholars all day!
Michael Jordan fades away and dishes! Gorgeous feed from way beyond the arc! An off-the-charts basketball IQ!
LeBron James makes the hockey pass! Freakish explosiveness finding the extra pass!
First half is done. Stephen Curry is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Word is Stephen Curry sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, glides driving to the hoop for a silky devastating dunk!
Michael Jordan, this certified GOAT candidate, waves the crowd up! A sold-out gym on fire rising!
Stephen Curry fades away the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James digs deep! Finding reserves nobody knew existed!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Jeffrey Epstein and LeBron James attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Michael Jordan films the whole thing. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-101 (L)
Joe Biden announces themselves! The university professor has arrived and the building knows it!
A two-handed slam from Jeffrey Epstein! Another dagger! This all-time great closing the door!
Jeffrey Epstein overcommits and gets beat! Limited stamina when reading the play!
Joe Biden misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the young scholars!
Jeffrey Epstein turns the tide! Turning the game around with their bare hands finesse!
Players head to the locker room. Michael Jordan has tape on three fingers. Little scoop: Michael Jordan collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan misses the free throws! Limited stamina at the line!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Win or lose, Michael Jordan has earned respect tonight! This global icon warrior spirit!
LeBron James, this beanpole, chokes on the big stage! On the inbound pass miss!
Michael Jordan dishes past the media. This household name not in the mood to talk.
Joe Biden scratches the back of his neck nervously. Jeffrey Epstein has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
98-109 (L)
The gymnasium welcomes Joe Biden! The university professor with the young scholars has arrived!
Michael Jordan, this titan, can't get a devastating dunk to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Stephen Curry tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
This living legend LeBron James can't recover! Scored on at the buzzer! Limited stamina!
A hook shot by Michael Jordan! The crowd erupts! Ridiculous creativity personified!
Break! Michael Jordan takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Locker room intel: Michael Jordan has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Joe Biden waves off the play! The authority of a university professor in that gesture!
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein muscles up a step-back three but can't get it to fall!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! Next-level basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, looks exhausted back to the basket! The legs are gone!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
LeBron James walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Stephen Curry drags one foot after the other. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
104-109 (L)
Joe Biden dunks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with rings on every finger!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, drops a bank shot on the low block! Pure artistry!
Joe Biden loses the screen battle! Defense that's basically a suggestion around the picks!
LeBron James forces a bad two-handed slam! This hall-of-fame lock needs to trust teammates!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry with back-to-back buckets! The lead is crumbling!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Stephen Curry walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Stephen Curry tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jeffrey Epstein bricks it when it matters! Their bare hands accuracy went home early!
This basketball god LeBron James stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
From the workshop to the venue, Jeffrey Epstein brings precision worthy of their bare hands!
This basketball god Michael Jordan with the clutch-time breakdown! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
This all-time great Michael Jordan tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Joe Biden pulls his cap down over his eyes. LeBron James doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Behind the scenes, I learned LeBron James was also a philanthropist in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-110 (L)
LeBron James posts up with energy from the opening whistle! This undisputed superstar locked in!
This generational talent Michael Jordan with a rare miss in transition! Even the best stumble!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This basketball god LeBron James fouls reaching in! Occasional mental lapses on defense!
What a shot from Jeffrey Epstein! A philanthropist bringing their bare hands energy to the court!
Off to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein has already drained two water bottles. Little scoop: Jeffrey Epstein collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Joe Biden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
LeBron James fires a reverse layup in the paint but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
LeBron James, this all-time great, manipulates the defense with the eyes! That dawg mentality!
This global icon LeBron James can't close out! The legs are shot at the buzzer!
Joe Biden, this first-ballot legend, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Stephen Curry's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Michael Jordan hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I learned Stephen Curry used to be a philanthropist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
107-110 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein looks dialed in from the start! A killer instinct preparation showing!
A buzzer-beater from Stephen Curry! This reliable star reminding everyone why they're on top!
This basketball god LeBron James picks up the cheap foul! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Joe Biden can't convert the open shot! Challenging the young scholars is way easier!
This household name Michael Jordan ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
Players head to the locker room. Stephen Curry has tape on three fingers. Little scoop: Stephen Curry tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This basketball god Michael Jordan dribbles out the clock! Tendency to force bad shots costing precious seconds!
Joe Biden is visibly upset! Upset as a university professor when the young scholars goes sideways!
What a journey for LeBron James! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Stephen Curry can't handle the pressure! This guy everybody knows folds on the final possession!
Joe Biden shakes hands through the pain! A university professor who respects their lecture notes and the game!
Joe Biden sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. LeBron James puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
97-96 (W)
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! Pure God-given talent from the jump!
Michael Jordan, this tower, alters the shot! That dawg mentality at the rim!
Joe Biden with the ugly miss! The university professor touch is absent tonight!
Stephen Curry penetrates the ball with flair and hits a layup! Sensational!
Jeffrey Epstein outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a philanthropist with their bare hands!
Break. Stephen Curry asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Little scoop: Stephen Curry collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Joe Biden hits nothing but net! A catch-and-shoot triple in crunch time! Iron discipline!
Stephen Curry forces the step-out-of-bounds! This reliable star hawking the ball!
Stephen Curry soaks in wild stands! This guy everybody knows living for these moments!
Joe Biden with a tear drop in the final minute! The university professor's last the young scholars of the day!
That's the game! LeBron James finishes with a monster performance! This household name victorious!
Stephen Curry launches his shoe into the air. Michael Jordan catches it. Standing ovation. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
The retards ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... The retards!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jeffrey Epstein. The man is a philanthropist. A freaking philanthropist. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
The retards ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
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