My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Victor Wembanyama. The man. The beast. Standing at 224 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Goku. Profession? Farmer. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with seed dibber, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into stubborn soil could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Goku can't buy a bucket! Maybe the stubborn soil would be easier to aim!
This dark horse Fluffy commits the 5-second violation! Clock management ego the size of Texas!
Kobe Bryant gets caught flat-footed! This potential GOAT beaten to the spot!
Goku buries their face! Hidden from view, the farmer can't watch!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Darth Vader to massage his thighs. Fun fact: Darth Vader failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Fluffy gets a clean look but hot head costs the bucket!
Fluffy, this diamond in the rough, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Victor Wembanyama throws it into the stands! What was that from this player on the come-up!
Victor Wembanyama slams the rock in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Fluffy had the chances but couldn't convert. This diamond in the rough left wanting.
Victor Wembanyama's eyes are glassy. Kobe Bryant mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-106 (W)
Goku, this bonafide star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Goku drains a free throw from the low block! Textbook ridiculous creativity!
Darth Vader blankets the shooter! Covering them with their bare hands thoroughness!
This rising star Fluffy connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a sky hook!
Goku exploits the soft spot in the top of the key! Soft as the stubborn soil under the seed dibber!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Victor Wembanyama walks head down toward the tunnel. Confession: Victor Wembanyama believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Kobe Bryant, this beanpole, with a silky reverse layup under the basket! Smooth operator!
The crowd is on its feet! A boiling cauldron as Kobe Bryant takes the court!
Victor Wembanyama fades away the basketball with patience! This hooper's hooper trusting the system!
Darth Vader, this mountain of a man, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Darth Vader pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This once-in-a-lifetime player savors the win!
Kobe Bryant and Darth Vader stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-106 (L)
Darth Vader bounces the pill pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Goku air-mails a pull-up jumper in the paint! Way off for this max-contract guy!
Fluffy dunks the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this player nobody saw coming!
Goku caught flat-footed! Standing still, the farmer reflexes took a nap!
Victor Wembanyama, this seasoned vet, drills another deep three at the buzzer! Automatic!
Break. Victor Wembanyama asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Juicy intel: Victor Wembanyama turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Victor Wembanyama, this tree of a man, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
An and-one attempt by Fluffy falls short! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
Darth Vader fires away to the right spot! Nerves of steel off-ball movement!
Darth Vader jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
This respected competitor Victor Wembanyama leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Goku and Darth Vader walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-114 (L)
Goku starts in the facilitator! Playing the facilitator way a farmer plays with the seed dibber!
Fluffy dunks the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This hungry young player Fluffy with turnover number points! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Kobe Bryant gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, showcases freakish explosiveness with a gorgeous euro-step!
Break. Kobe Bryant's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Darth Vader pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The jedi in them is showing!
Air ball from Darth Vader! Being a jedi doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Goku cramps up! Muscles tight from the seed dibber and the damn ball double duty!
Victor Wembanyama, this giant, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Darth Vader and Fluffy walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-99 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this long boy, sets the tone immediately! Iron discipline from the jump!
Goku forces a floater at half court! This elite player trying too hard!
Victor Wembanyama coughs up the rock! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again back to the basket!
Darth Vader gets blown by! Even a jedi couldn't stop that!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, posts up and delivers a catch-and-shoot triple! Textbook!
Time to breathe. Fluffy has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know? Fluffy once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Darth Vader walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Darth Vader with the contested two-handed slam facing the rim! No good! Bad selection!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Darth Vader, this mammoth, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Fluffy, this hungry young player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Fluffy bites the inside of his cheek. Darth Vader pinches the bridge of his nose. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-96 (W)
Game time! Fluffy and this raw talent ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
Victor Wembanyama dribbles past the defense for a half-court heave! Size advantage from this this oversized freak!
Kobe Bryant a monster swat with authority! This mammoth protecting the paint!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant with assist number points! Nerves of steel on display!
Goku changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a farmer!
Intermission. Goku dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know? Goku launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
A half-court heave from Fluffy! Another dagger! This raw talent closing the door!
The crowd chants Goku's name! A cathedral silence for the farmer with the seed dibber!
Darth Vader shares the ball unselfishly! No ego, just a jedi who gets it!
Victor Wembanyama, this solid pro, has been building to this all game! In the money time!
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Goku mimes popping a champagne bottle. Kobe Bryant mimes chugging straight from it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
114-110 (W)
Goku, this certified bucket, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, covers ground to get the brilliant anticipation! Wow!
This multi-time All-Star Goku muscles up a euro-step but can't get it to fall!
Goku scores a step-back three! The seed dibber by day, buckets by night!
This guy with rings on every finger Darth Vader recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Break. Goku collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Goku knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kobe Bryant delivers in the clutch! A bank shot from way beyond the arc! This undisputed superstar is ice cold!
Kobe Bryant, this titan, swats it into the third row! A perfect contest!
The PA announcer can't pronounce Goku's the seed dibber! Comedy at the palace of hoops!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, battles through contact for a floater! Will not be denied!
Fluffy hugs the coach! This potential breakout star with a complete performance!
Victor Wembanyama takes Darth Vader by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. I learned backstage that Darth Vader also does farmer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-104 (L)
Goku comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the farmer means business!
A step-back three from Fluffy sails wide! This diamond in the rough needs to regroup!
Fluffy, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Darth Vader, this 7-footer, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
The technical flair of Darth Vader recalls their jedi days. A finger roll! Sublime!
End of the second quarter. Victor Wembanyama is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. I've been told Victor Wembanyama once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This undisputed superstar Kobe Bryant slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Darth Vader forces a bad scoop layup! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to trust teammates!
Victor Wembanyama, this player on the come-up, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a half-court heave!
Goku takes off but can't sustain the effort! Occasional mental lapses emptying the tank!
Goku shakes hands through the pain! A farmer who respects the seed dibber and the game!
Darth Vader turns back to look at the court one last time. Victor Wembanyama doesn't turn around. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-117 (L)
Darth Vader gets the starting nod! A jedi starting with their bare hands confidence!
Fluffy clanks another one off the rim! This surprise package needs to find rhythm!
Darth Vader loses the basketball in traffic! This potential GOAT can't afford that!
Fluffy overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
Goku launches the Wilson into a buzzer-beater! A gym-rat work ethic shining through!
Halftime whistle! Darth Vader slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Darth Vader tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Fluffy storms to the bench! This diamond in the rough is visibly upset!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
Victor Wembanyama, this name that's buzzing, manages the clock beautifully in the fourth quarter!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Kobe Bryant pulls up to the tunnel in disappointment. This undisputed superstar will learn from this.
Darth Vader claps his hands in frustration. Kobe Bryant clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
108-98 (W)
This jersey-selling name Goku comes out aggressive! Opens with an alley-oop driving to the hoop!
Fluffy, this potential breakout star, drops a catch-and-shoot triple at the top of the key! Pure artistry!
Fluffy with the huge left-handed block facing the rim! This unknown gem says no!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant creates for others! Unselfish play with pure God-given talent!
Goku goes to work the ball out of the trap! That dawg mentality under pressure!
The players head in. Darth Vader slips on the wet tunnel floor. Little scoop: Darth Vader tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Goku treats the ball like the stubborn soil and sinks it. Easy as pie for a farmer!
Standing ovation for Goku! The hardwood salutes the farmer and their seed dibber!
Kobe Bryant, this big fella, repositions on defense! Silky smooth technique collective effort!
Darth Vader plays for every jedi who ever picked up the damn ball after the game!
This dude out of nowhere Fluffy raises the arms! The win is in the books! A primal scream!
Kobe Bryant pretends to plant a flag at center court. Darth Vader stands at attention. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-120 (L)
This dude out of nowhere Fluffy comes out firing! A deep three in the first minute!
Fluffy, this raw talent, with the shot-clock heave! No good on the low block!
This raw talent Fluffy with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Kobe Bryant glares at the scoreboard! This generational talent not happy with the situation!
Halftime! Fluffy has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Fluffy keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Goku launches a free throw and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Goku short-arms the shot from fatigue! This guy everybody knows has nothing left!
Victor Wembanyama, this mammoth, fumbles the entry pass off the pick and roll!
This hungry young player Fluffy can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this solid pro wanted.
Victor Wembanyama takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Darth Vader follows the same path. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
104-101 (W)
The game begins and Fluffy is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Fluffy draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
A pull-up jumper from Victor Wembanyama hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
Fluffy, this dark horse, exploits the mismatch for an and-one! Too easy!
This franchise cornerstone Kobe Bryant adjusts the angle mid-drive! Iron discipline body control!
Halftime whistle. Darth Vader flops into the first available chair. Little secret: Darth Vader watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Darth Vader nails the free throws to ice it! This basketball god with steady hands!
Victor Wembanyama, this mammoth, contests everything under the basket! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
Goku's fan section holds up the stubborn soil! The farmer army is loud!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant with the monster defensive rebound in late in the quarter! Saved the game!
Goku walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to cultivating the stubborn soil!
Goku gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Fluffy gives his shoes. Kobe Bryant gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-130 (L)
Tip-off! Victor Wembanyama gets us started! Let's go!
Darth Vader misses the open look! This basketball god can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Goku throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the farmer got too confident!
Darth Vader loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Fluffy, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated in the paint!
Halftime. Victor Wembanyama wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? Victor Wembanyama has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
This all-time great Kobe Bryant throws up a prayer under the basket! Not answered!
Darth Vader is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Goku slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a farmer hits the workbench!
Victor Wembanyama sits alone on the bench. This seasoned vet processing the defeat.
Goku clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Kobe Bryant fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
108-104 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Fluffy with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Victor Wembanyama fires a floater from the right corner but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Goku catches and shoots,an and-one! Quick hands from cultivating the stubborn soil!
Kobe Bryant dishes with purpose every possession! This certified GOAT candidate chess master!
The players file out. Fluffy exchanges a tense look with the coach. Little scoop: Fluffy tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Fluffy drives for the game-tying deep three! Right from the tip-off! Unbelievable!
Victor Wembanyama with the suffocating defense! This established player is a wall out there!
Goku dunks to an eruption! A cathedral silence! What a moment!
Goku converts the and-one in traffic! Tough as cultivating the stubborn soil in a crowd!
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama seals the deal! Victory with insane court vision!
Goku jumps into Darth Vader's arms without warning. They both go down. I learned that Goku's father was a farmer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
107-113 (L)
And we're underway! Darth Vader touches the rock first! This basketball god looks eager!
A deep three by Darth Vader from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this guy with rings on every finger!
Kobe Bryant shoots into a dead end on the low block! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Fluffy lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this rising star fooled!
Goku applies the same technique to the basketball as to the stubborn soil. A bucket along the baseline!
The players head to the locker room. Goku is sweating like a racehorse. Little scoop: Goku tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Goku steps back away from the huddle! This world-class player in a dark place mentally!
This global icon Kobe Bryant shanks a two-handed slam facing the rim! That's uncharacteristic!
Goku finds the angle! The angle farmer uses for the stubborn soil!
Fluffy posts up a step slower than usual! Occasional mental lapses in the tank!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Victor Wembanyama's eyes are red, jaw tight. Darth Vader apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team ends the season #10 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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