My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jeffrey Epstein. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jeffrey Epstein. The man. Is. A philanthropist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A philanthropist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a philanthropist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified GOAT candidate starting strong!
Off the mark for Jeffrey Epstein! Great philanthropist, not so great at basketball tonight!
67 kid gets picked! A student getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Peter Griffin scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
Peter Griffin mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Well-deserved break. Peter Griffin looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Intel: Peter Griffin once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jeffrey Epstein can't score in the first half! This philanthropist is way off tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Drake throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the movie actor got too confident!
Sean Combs, this certified bucket, with the frustrated foul! Heavy feet in tough moments!
This guy with a proven track record Peter Griffin tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
67 kid closes his eyes walking out. Peter Griffin keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Peter Griffin. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
83-109 (L)
Game time! Drake and this once-in-a-lifetime player ready to put on a show at the temple of basketball!
Jeffrey Epstein, this franchise cornerstone, pulls the trigger from mid-range but no luck!
Drake with the backcourt violation! A movie actor going backwards with the film character!
Drake, this solid build, gets dunked on from the left corner! Poster material!
Sean Combs scores on the putback! Recycling the game is second nature for a philanthropist!
Back in the locker room, Sean Combs sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? Sean Combs has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
67 kid pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The student in them is showing!
A reverse layup attempt by Peter Griffin falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
This undisputed superstar Jeffrey Epstein with the savvy veteran play! Nerves of steel experience showing!
Sean Combs struggles in crunch time! The philanthropist hitting the wall with the game!
Jeffrey Epstein wipes a tear! A philanthropist who poured everything into the effort!
Peter Griffin sits on the bench, staring into nothing. 67 kid has his head in his hands. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-123 (L)
This rising star 67 kid opens the scoring! An alley-oop! Early advantage!
Drake bricks another one! Building something awful with the script binder tonight!
This global icon Jeffrey Epstein commits the 5-second violation! Clock management heavy feet!
67 kid gets screened out of the play! This hidden prospect lost in traffic!
Drake scores the go-ahead! A movie actor who always finishes the job on time!
Break. Peter Griffin asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Locker room intel: Peter Griffin has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This once-in-a-lifetime player Drake throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Sean Combs misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
67 kid executes a lockdown zone defense perfectly! Precision learned as a student!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Peter Griffin, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.
Sean Combs slams his fist on the bench. Jeffrey Epstein places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-121 (L)
Drake checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Jeffrey Epstein launches an off-balance shot and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Jeffrey Epstein dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a philanthropist like that!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, can't keep up with the speed! Limited stamina exposed!
Drake slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a movie actor hits the workbench!
Back to the locker room. Drake's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Drake fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jeffrey Epstein throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Peter Griffin, this up-and-coming baller, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Peter Griffin, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Sometimes predictable game in the footwork!
67 kid slams the rock in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Drake attacks past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Jeffrey Epstein's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Peter Griffin breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-114 (L)
The game begins and 67 kid is ready! You can see pure God-given talent written all over his face!
67 kid can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
This household name Drake commits the offensive foul! Turnover at half court!
Sean Combs gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Jeffrey Epstein knocks down a bank shot back to the basket! Ice in the veins!
Break. Jeffrey Epstein's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! The players look fired up.
67 kid walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Peter Griffin, this do-it-all player, gets the look from mid-range but the lid's on the rim!
Drake blows past with purpose every possession! This certified GOAT candidate chess master!
67 kid misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Jeffrey Epstein vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Peter Griffin stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. 67 kid exhales. Again. And again. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-124 (L)
67 kid wins the opening tip! Tipping off with student energy!
67 kid with the ugly miss! The student touch is absent tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
Drake overcommits! Going all-in like a movie actor on the film character, but wrong!
Drake looks to the heavens! A movie actor praying for the script binder to work!
End of the first half. Jeffrey Epstein is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Jeffrey Epstein once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Peter Griffin gets a clean look but occasional mental lapses costs the bucket!
Drake is spent! Used up like the film character after a movie actor's long day!
Sloppy handling by 67 kid! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Drake shakes their head! A movie actor who can't believe that just happened!
Peter Griffin, this versatile guy, trudges off the arena. Lessons to take from this one.
67 kid kicks his towel across the floor. Drake has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-121 (L)
This solid pro Peter Griffin gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jeffrey Epstein, this tweener, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this generational talent!
Jeffrey Epstein loses the pill! A philanthropist would never be this careless!
This global icon Drake can't recover! Scored on along the baseline! Tendency to force bad shots!
Sean Combs glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this philanthropist!
Well-deserved break. Peter Griffin looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Staff confession: Peter Griffin is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jeffrey Epstein rises up the leather into the front rim! That's frustrating for this certified GOAT candidate!
Drake, this generational talent, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
This legit talent Peter Griffin dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Sean Combs gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Jeffrey Epstein, this guy with rings on every finger, takes the loss hard. Hot head at the wrong moments.
Drake watches the crowd file out in silence. Sean Combs prefers not to look. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-127 (L)
Drake goes to work onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with rings on every finger!
An and-one by Peter Griffin from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this guy with a proven track record!
Jeffrey Epstein botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Jeffrey Epstein loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
This jersey-selling name Sean Combs slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Heading in. Jeffrey Epstein's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: Jeffrey Epstein collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Jeffrey Epstein fires and misses from the right corner. Should have stuck with the game!
Peter Griffin lets fly a step slower than usual! Limited stamina in the tank!
Peter Griffin coughs up the rock! Limited stamina strikes again facing the rim!
Sean Combs, this established star, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Drake shakes hands through the pain! A movie actor who respects the script binder and the game!
Sean Combs chews his nails on the bench. Peter Griffin stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Did you know that Peter Griffin practices philanthropist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-130 (L)
This big-name player Sean Combs in the starting lineup! Let's see what this big-name player brings!
Jeffrey Epstein gets blocked! Rejected harder than a philanthropist's worst day on the job!
67 kid turns it over at coming out of the locker room! A student dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Sean Combs gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a philanthropist's worst day on the job!
Jeffrey Epstein storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Rest time. Drake isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Drake tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
An and-one from Peter Griffin catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Drake tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a movie actor's energy for the film character!
Drake with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost movie actor!
Drake kicks the air! The frustration of a movie actor who knows they can do better!
67 kid takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad student day!
Peter Griffin kicks his towel across the floor. Drake has already left for the locker room, alone. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
80-124 (L)
Drake steps onto the floor! From portraying the film character to this, game time!
Peter Griffin, this combo guard, can't finish in transition! That one stings!
Drake loses the leather in traffic! This first-ballot legend can't afford that!
Drake gives up the back door! Sometimes predictable game when overplaying!
Jeffrey Epstein posts up angrily after the turnover! This undisputed superstar spiraling!
Break. Drake asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Drake knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Drake, this combo guard, gets stuffed trying a floater! Denied!
Jeffrey Epstein barely gets back on defense! Moving like a philanthropist on a Friday afternoon!
Drake forces the pass! Forcing the script binder where it doesn't fit!
67 kid mouths off at right from the tip-off! A student venting about the game!
67 kid, this diamond in the rough, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Drake takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Sean Combs follows the same path. Did you know that Sean Combs practices philanthropist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
74-118 (L)
67 kid, this player nobody saw coming, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
67 kid with a rough scoop layup from the right corner! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Jeffrey Epstein rises up into a dead end from the right corner! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Sean Combs bites on the fake! Fooled like a philanthropist by counterfeit the game!
Sean Combs stares in disbelief! The look of a philanthropist who just lost everything!
Break. Peter Griffin collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Peter Griffin entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
67 kid whiffs on the jumper! A student off their game with their bare hands!
Drake digs deep! Deep as a movie actor digs into the film character!
67 kid dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the student's finest moment!
Drake drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a movie actor's spirit has limits!
Drake leaves the field house with dignity! The dignity of a movie actor with the script binder!
Jeffrey Epstein clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Sean Combs fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-130 (L)
Opening possession for Sean Combs! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Peter Griffin with the contested pull-up jumper from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
This dude putting the league on notice Peter Griffin loses concentration and the orange with it!
Drake gets posterized! A movie actor framed by the script binder in the worst way!
67 kid blows past away from the huddle! This newcomer in a dark place mentally!
The locker room. Drake sprawls out full-length on the bench. True story: Drake walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jeffrey Epstein shoots an air ball in palpable tension! A philanthropist lost in the noise!
67 kid asks for ice! Cooling down, even a student's engine needs a rest!
Jeffrey Epstein passes to nobody! This undisputed superstar with a head-scratching decision!
This guy with rings on every finger Drake stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jeffrey Epstein walks off in defeat! Even a philanthropist's skills couldn't save tonight!
67 kid's lip is trembling. Jeffrey Epstein dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-129 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein lands the first devastating dunk! First blood! The philanthropist strikes first!
Peter Griffin forces a bad tear drop! This name that's buzzing needs to trust teammates!
Drake throws it away! A pass worse than a movie actor tossing the film character!
Sean Combs gets posted up and scored on! This max-contract guy overpowered!
Jeffrey Epstein shoots the towel! This guy with rings on every finger showing hot head!
Halftime. Drake throws his towel on the floor walking in. I've been told Drake once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Drake can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this certified GOAT candidate!
Drake soldiers on! The soldier who portrays the film character with the script binder!
Sean Combs with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Jeffrey Epstein storms to the bench! Heated! This philanthropist doesn't handle losing well!
Sean Combs leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Peter Griffin takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. 67 kid doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Drake gets the starting nod! A movie actor starting with the script binder confidence!
Peter Griffin, this legit talent, comes up empty! A catch-and-shoot triple off target back to the basket!
67 kid coughs it up! A student's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
67 kid gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Sean Combs tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the philanthropist will bounce back!
Break. Peter Griffin collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. I've been told Peter Griffin always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Sean Combs misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
67 kid bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a student after their bare hands overtime!
Peter Griffin with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
This legit talent Peter Griffin hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from mid-range!
67 kid sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a student after their bare hands broke!
Jeffrey Epstein pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. 67 kid takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Drake stretches center court! Loosening up, the movie actor is getting ready!
Jeffrey Epstein puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Peter Griffin with a wild pass that sails out! This name that's buzzing giving it away!
67 kid left in the dust! Even a student moves faster than that!
Sean Combs buries their face! Hidden from view, the philanthropist can't watch!
Both teams head to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein wipes his forehead with his jersey. Bus driver's confession: Jeffrey Epstein raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
67 kid clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Sean Combs labors up the court! Trudging like a philanthropist dragging the game!
Turnover by Jeffrey Epstein! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Drake can't hide the frustration! The script binder frustration meets the basketball frustration!
67 kid consoles teammates! The heart of a student in that moment!
Drake sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Sean Combs winces. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jeffrey Epstein. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jeffrey Epstein. The man. Is. A philanthropist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A philanthropist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a philanthropist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
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