goofy goobers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | goofy goobers | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Goofy goobers! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Elon Musk. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Eminem. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
Game time! Donald Trump and this all-time great ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
Lord Voldemort can't finish! The fictional tyrant who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Intercepted! Donald Trump's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Eminem beaten to the spot! Slower than a rapper on a Monday morning!
Donald Trump stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Lord Voldemort picks up the pace. Small detail: Lord Voldemort wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Elon Musk launches a thunderous slam and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!
This franchise cornerstone Eminem calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Sylas jenson, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Eminem, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Donald Trump tips the cap to the winners! The film producer's grace with the risky picture!
Elon Musk mutters 'damn' under his breath. Lord Voldemort says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-124 (L)
This living legend Eminem comes out firing! A bucket in the first minute!
A euro-step from Lord Voldemort goes in and out! Heartbreaking in transition!
This max-contract guy Lord Voldemort forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Elon Musk gets blown by! Even an engineer couldn't stop that!
Lord Voldemort glares at the scoreboard! This guy everybody knows not happy with the situation!
Players head to the locker room. Eminem has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Eminem is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Donald Trump fires away the Spalding right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
Sylas jenson short-arms the shot from fatigue! This dark horse has nothing left!
Eminem throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Lord Voldemort kicks the air! The frustration of a fictional tyrant who knows they can do better!
Donald Trump leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a film producer after the risky picture setback!
Sylas jenson walks toward the tunnel without a word. Elon Musk stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Did you know that Elon Musk practices volunteer firefighter on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
89-133 (L)
Eminem bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Elon Musk fades away the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this global icon!
Stolen from Lord Voldemort! A fictional tyrant who let it slip through their fingers!
Lord Voldemort gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Elon Musk mouths off at the last second! An engineer venting about the impossible structure!
End of the first half. Donald Trump is beet red but still standing. Locker room anecdote: Donald Trump talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Eminem launches from deep and misses! A rapper's range doesn't apply here!
Lord Voldemort is spent! Used up like the game after a fictional tyrant's long day!
Eminem dunks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Sylas jenson drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Donald Trump vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Elon Musk refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Sylas jenson watches it and immediately regrets it. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-110 (L)
Elon Musk fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified GOAT candidate starting strong!
Donald Trump can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the risky picture, a film producer always hits!
Elon Musk dribbles it off their foot! Their slide rule would never betray an engineer like that!
Donald Trump gets posterized! A film producer framed by their loaded checkbook in the worst way!
Elon Musk, this once-in-a-lifetime player, knifes through for a layup under the basket! Wow!
Off to the locker room. Lord Voldemort has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Lord Voldemort once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Lord Voldemort pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The fictional tyrant in them is showing!
Elon Musk dribbles and fires but misses everything! Limited stamina tonight!
Sylas jenson, this smooth operator, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Donald Trump is running on pure willpower! This generational talent refusing to quit!
Sylas jenson had the chances but couldn't convert. This hungry young player left wanting.
Sylas jenson claps his hands in frustration. Elon Musk clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-96 (W)
The game begins and Lord Voldemort is ready! You can see insane court vision written all over his face!
Donald Trump walls up in the left wing! Immovable as their loaded checkbook bolted down!
Donald Trump with the off-balance free throw! This franchise cornerstone couldn't set the feet!
The technical flair of Donald Trump recalls their film producer days. A thunderous slam! Sublime!
Elon Musk schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true engineer!
Halftime. Sylas jenson wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: sylas jenson once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Elon Musk makes the crucial stop! Plugging the leak, that's what an engineer does!
Eminem with the weak-side block! Appearing from nowhere like a rapper finding the fiery bars!
Kids in the stands mimic Elon Musk's building celebration! Adorable!
This living legend Elon Musk with the heroic drawn charge! Preserves the lead!
Elon Musk heads to the locker room with a smile! Good day at the office for the engineer!
Elon Musk charges toward the crowd. Sylas jenson catches him just before he dives into the stands. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
73-118 (L)
Sylas jenson, this player nobody saw coming, draws first blood! An off-balance shot to start!
Elon Musk can't hit from the key! That zone is cursed for this engineer!
Elon Musk double-dribbles! Building the impossible structure doesn't have that rule!
This unknown gem sylas jenson fouls reaching in! Heavy feet on defense!
This all-time great Donald Trump fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Break. Lord Voldemort collapses next to the vending machine. Quick anecdote about Lord Voldemort: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Donald Trump posts up but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Lord Voldemort is gassed! This top-tier talent bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Lord Voldemort commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Donald Trump launches away from the huddle! This generational talent in a dark place mentally!
Eminem spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This absolute legend will learn from this.
Eminem sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Lord Voldemort puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-107 (L)
Donald Trump steps onto the hardwood! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Elon Musk, this first-ballot legend, sends the damn ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Donald Trump trips up in the corner! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Eminem gets screened out of the play! This absolute legend lost in traffic!
Lord Voldemort with a free throw! The finesse of their bare hands right there on the venue!
Back in the locker room, Donald Trump sits down and stares at the ceiling. Staff confession: Donald Trump is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Elon Musk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an engineer's spirit has limits!
Eminem with the ugly miss! The rapper touch is absent tonight!
Lord Voldemort, this swiss-army-knife type, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Donald Trump can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of greenlighting the risky picture!
Lord Voldemort refuses to make excuses! A fictional tyrant owns the game failures too!
Donald Trump's eyes are red, jaw tight. Elon Musk apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-124 (L)
This absolute legend Eminem gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Eminem rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
This franchise cornerstone Donald Trump loses concentration and the leather with it!
Lord Voldemort gambles for the steal and pays the price! Limited stamina!
Eminem, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Intermission. Elon Musk dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Anecdote: Elon Musk once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
This undisputed superstar Donald Trump throws up a prayer facing the rim! Not answered!
Lord Voldemort is cramping up! This All-Star caliber talent trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Elon Musk loses the rock! An engineer would never be this careless!
Donald Trump throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Elon Musk packs up and heads out! Packing their slide rule, unpacking emotions!
Sylas jenson scratches the back of his neck nervously. Donald Trump has the look of someone who has seen things. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
81-126 (L)
Donald Trump takes the court to a roaring arena! The film producer with their loaded checkbook is here!
That one wasn't even close, Donald Trump! Stick to greenlighting the risky picture!
This franchise cornerstone Donald Trump dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Eminem, this tweener, gets dunked on from the left corner! Poster material!
Sylas jenson crosses over the towel! This hidden prospect showing tendency to rush!
Halftime. The doctor examines Lord Voldemort's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Lord Voldemort lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Sylas jenson forces a sky hook from mid-range! This unknown gem trying too hard!
Lord Voldemort cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the rock double duty!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted off the pick and roll!
This player nobody saw coming sylas jenson stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Lord Voldemort hangs their head! A fictional tyrant who gave everything they had!
Sylas jenson clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Eminem fidgets with his wristband nervously. Evening confession: I'm wearing sylas jenson's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-129 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Elon Musk catches the damn ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This hidden prospect sylas jenson shanks a two-handed slam from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Eminem gets the ball stripped! The fiery bars would have stayed in a rapper's grip!
Eminem gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the fiery bars on a rough day!
This total unknown sylas jenson shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Heading in. Elon Musk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Intel: Elon Musk asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Sylas jenson, this do-it-all player, loses the handle and the opportunity! Ego the size of Texas!
Elon Musk gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from building the impossible structure and hooping!
Sylas jenson with a wild pass that sails out! This dude out of nowhere giving it away!
Eminem vents at their teammates! The rapper who vents about the fiery bars!
Donald Trump, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Hot head at the wrong moments.
Elon Musk clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Donald Trump fidgets with his wristband nervously. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-131 (L)
Eminem, this all-around player, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
Eminem gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the rapper touch can't save that one!
Elon Musk loses the Wilson in traffic! This household name can't afford that!
Lord Voldemort fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a fictional tyrant chasing the game!
Eminem is visibly upset! Upset as a rapper when the fiery bars goes sideways!
Back to the locker room. Lord Voldemort punches his locker. Quick anecdote about Lord Voldemort: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Sylas jenson fires a euro-step on the low block but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Donald Trump barely gets back on defense! Moving like a film producer on a Friday afternoon!
This unknown gem sylas jenson commits the offensive foul! Turnover from downtown!
This top-tier talent Lord Voldemort hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Sylas jenson reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Elon Musk stares at the floor while sylas jenson mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-124 (L)
And we're underway! Eminem touches the pill first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
Sylas jenson forces up a finger roll over the defense! Limited stamina! Bad decision!
Donald Trump throws it away! A pass worse than a film producer tossing the risky picture!
This dude out of nowhere sylas jenson caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Sylas jenson can't mask the disappointment! This rising star wearing it on the sleeve!
Off to the locker room. Donald Trump has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote of the day: Donald Trump forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Donald Trump, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Sometimes predictable game!
This newcomer sylas jenson signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Sylas jenson with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
Donald Trump slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
This first-ballot legend Eminem congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this first-ballot legend.
Eminem pulls his cap down over his eyes. Lord Voldemort doesn't have a cap, and it shows. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-127 (L)
Donald Trump sets the tone early! The film producer came to play tonight!
Air ball from Elon Musk! Being an engineer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Lord Voldemort, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Donald Trump lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this basketball god fooled!
Eminem argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
Break. Eminem collapses next to the vending machine. The staff told me Eminem sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This guy with rings on every finger Elon Musk whiffs on a floater! The crowd groans!
Donald Trump is visibly tired! This household name needs a timeout badly!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass in transition!
Eminem looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Elon Musk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an engineer after their slide rule broke!
Eminem closes his eyes walking out. Elon Musk keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-130 (L)
This rising star sylas jenson comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook along the baseline!
This undisputed superstar Donald Trump muscles up a fadeaway jumper but can't get it to fall!
This franchise guy Lord Voldemort with turnover number buckets! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Sylas jenson scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Lord Voldemort crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This franchise guy losing composure!
Both teams head to the locker room. Eminem wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Eminem got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Off the mark for Lord Voldemort! Great fictional tyrant, not so great at basketball tonight!
This household name Eminem can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This hungry young player sylas jenson with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Eminem shakes their head! A rapper who can't believe that just happened!
Sylas jenson walks off in silence. This guy nobody was talking about gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Lord Voldemort replays the score in his head on a loop. Elon Musk tries to think about something else. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Tip-off! Sylas jenson gets us started! Let's go!
Donald Trump dishes the leather into nothing! Tendency to rush on full display tonight!
Sylas jenson coughs up the ball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again from the left corner!
Eminem overcommits! Going all-in like a rapper on the fiery bars, but wrong!
Lord Voldemort, this jersey-selling name, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Both teams head to the locker room. Sylas jenson wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know sylas jenson keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Eminem bricks it! Not the same accuracy as spitting the fiery bars!
Eminem tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a rapper's energy for the fiery bars!
Lord Voldemort with the backcourt violation! A fictional tyrant going backwards with the game!
Elon Musk can't hide the frustration! Their slide rule frustration meets the leather frustration!
Elon Musk fades away past the media. This franchise cornerstone not in the mood to talk.
Donald Trump shakes Elon Musk's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
goofy goobers finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elon Musk.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Goofy goobers!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Elon Musk. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Eminem. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
goofy goobers finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elon Musk.
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