My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Jesus Christ. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. The chef's surprise of the evening is Lee Kuan Yew. A statesperson by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the political storm with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the lockdown defender! Playing the lockdown defender the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
Lee Kuan Yew misfires again! Having the political storm-shaped night!
The Buddha crosses over into a trap! Hot head when reading the defense!
The Buddha gets blown by! Even a religious founder couldn't stop that!
Mother Teresa drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a religious sister's spirit has limits!
First half is done. The Buddha is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: The Buddha tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Mother Teresa with a wild attempt! This household name not finding the range tonight!
Lee Kuan Yew is gassed! This household name bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Mother Teresa gets picked! A religious sister getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Mother Teresa gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.
Jesus Christ sits on the floor in the hallway. The Buddha sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-133 (L)
Dwayne Johnson looks dialed in from the start! Night-in night-out consistency preparation showing!
Mother Teresa misses in the money time! A religious sister dropping the game at the worst time!
Dwayne Johnson blows past the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this first-ballot legend!
Lee Kuan Yew, this tweener, gets blown by on the perimeter! Hot head in the legs!
Dwayne Johnson picks up the second technical! This hall-of-fame lock ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Well-deserved break. Jesus Christ looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote of the day: Jesus Christ forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Lee Kuan Yew misses the layup! Even the political storm would have gone in easier!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
The Buddha coughs it up! A religious founder's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Lee Kuan Yew throws their hands up! Like a statesperson when their diplomatic pouch breaks!
Mother Teresa shakes hands through the pain! A religious sister who respects their bare hands and the game!
Dwayne Johnson scratches the back of his neck nervously. Jesus Christ has the look of someone who has seen things. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-108 (L)
The Buddha steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
The Buddha can't buy a bucket! Another miss back to the basket! Frustrating!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Mother Teresa gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Mother Teresa buries it! Competing the game all week, burying shots all weekend!
Halftime! Mother Teresa has the hardwood pattern imprinted on her elbow. Anecdote: Mother Teresa fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Mother Teresa is visibly upset! Upset as a religious sister when the game goes sideways!
The Buddha launches from deep and misses! A religious founder's range doesn't apply here!
Lee Kuan Yew uses their size out there! The statesperson has a built-in advantage!
The Buddha misses from fatigue! This household name can't get the elevation from way beyond the arc!
Lee Kuan Yew hangs their head! A statesperson who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. The Buddha has aged ten years in forty minutes. I got a text from Jesus Christ after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-118 (L)
Mother Teresa gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a religious sister on day one!
Mother Teresa throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Mother Teresa trips up in the free-throw line! A religious sister never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Injury-prone body exposed!
Lee Kuan Yew pulls up and converts! A buzzer beater off the pick and roll! Money!
The players leave the court. Dwayne Johnson clings to the tunnel railing. They say Dwayne Johnson eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
The Buddha glares at the rock! Like it personally betrayed this religious founder!
Mother Teresa fires a fadeaway jumper from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This global icon Lee Kuan Yew recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Dwayne Johnson fades away but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
This all-time great Mother Teresa leaves the arena with head held high. Fought to the end.
The Buddha shakes Lee Kuan Yew's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
91-113 (L)
Lee Kuan Yew, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
Dwayne Johnson misfires from the right corner! This generational talent searching for answers!
The Buddha, this all-around player, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Jesus Christ fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a messiah chasing the game!
Jesus Christ attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Halftime! Mother Teresa has the hardwood pattern imprinted on her elbow. Fun fact: Mother Teresa blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Mother Teresa glares at the scoreboard! This guy with rings on every finger not happy with the situation!
Dwayne Johnson goes to work the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this basketball god!
This generational talent Dwayne Johnson runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Mother Teresa plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
Dwayne Johnson, this combo guard, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Mother Teresa kicks her towel across the floor. Dwayne Johnson has already left for the locker room, alone. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-134 (L)
Tip-off! The Buddha gets us started! Let's go!
The Buddha misfires! The religious founder's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Mother Teresa, this versatile guy, gets stripped at the top of the key! Limited stamina exposed!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
The Buddha stares in disbelief! The look of a religious founder who just lost everything!
Break. The Buddha asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Small detail: The Buddha wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jesus Christ misses! Even a messiah can't fix that shot!
The Buddha gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
Mother Teresa turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this religious sister!
The Buddha sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a religious founder after a long shift!
Lee Kuan Yew tips the cap to the winners! The statesperson's grace with the political storm!
Jesus Christ sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. The Buddha winces. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-121 (L)
This absolute legend Jesus Christ catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Lee Kuan Yew loses the orange! A statesperson would never be this careless!
Jesus Christ beaten to the spot! Slower than a messiah on a Monday morning!
Mother Teresa, this global icon, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Cut! Halftime. Lee Kuan Yew's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. True story: Lee Kuan Yew had his parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Mother Teresa misses at the buzzer! A religious sister who missed the deadline!
Lee Kuan Yew, this tweener, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Mother Teresa dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a religious sister like that!
Mother Teresa pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The religious sister in them is showing!
Mother Teresa walks off in defeat! Even a religious sister's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Dwayne Johnson breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-123 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Mother Teresa clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Mother Teresa double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Lee Kuan Yew turns the head and loses the man! This generational talent napping defensively!
Lee Kuan Yew scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the statesperson knows geometry!
Halftime. The Buddha is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: The Buddha slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Lee Kuan Yew storms to the bench! Heated! This statesperson doesn't handle losing well!
The Buddha rushes a buzzer-beater from downtown! Hot head creeping in!
Lee Kuan Yew calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's statesperson mentality!
The Buddha asks for ice! Cooling down, even a religious founder's engine needs a rest!
Lee Kuan Yew, this potential GOAT, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. The Buddha drags one foot after the other. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
This absolute legend Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A thunderous slam! Early advantage!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, gets stuffed trying a sky hook! Denied!
This global icon Lee Kuan Yew with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Lee Kuan Yew, this solid build, gets exploited in the switch! Occasional mental lapses exposed in the mismatch!
Lee Kuan Yew kicks the air! The frustration of a statesperson who knows they can do better!
The players head to the locker room. Lee Kuan Yew is sweating like a racehorse. Fun fact: Lee Kuan Yew tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Dwayne Johnson, this smooth operator, can't get a thunderous slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
The Buddha is running on pure willpower! This all-time great refusing to quit!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
This undisputed superstar The Buddha shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
Dwayne Johnson closes his eyes walking out. Lee Kuan Yew keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-133 (L)
This basketball god The Buddha comes out firing! A scoop layup in the first minute!
Lee Kuan Yew gets blocked! Rejected harder than a statesperson's worst day on the job!
Jesus Christ charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Mother Teresa slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a religious sister hits the workbench!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Dwayne Johnson picks up the pace. I've been told Dwayne Johnson once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
The Buddha dunks but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Dwayne Johnson attacks sluggishly! Lack of consistency catching up with this certified GOAT candidate!
This guy with rings on every finger Dwayne Johnson gets pickpocketed along the baseline! Sloppy handling!
Dwayne Johnson mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
The Buddha pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Dwayne Johnson takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-128 (L)
The gymnasium welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
Mother Teresa misfires from mid-range! Their bare hands calibration needed!
This absolute legend Dwayne Johnson commits the 5-second violation! Clock management hot head!
Dwayne Johnson gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
The Buddha, this hall-of-fame lock, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
End of the first half. The Buddha is beet red but still standing. Locker room anecdote: The Buddha talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
The Buddha just barely misses! Close as a religious founder getting the game almost right!
Jesus Christ stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a messiah over the game!
Mother Teresa throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the religious sister got too confident!
The Buddha walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Lee Kuan Yew's lip is trembling. Mother Teresa dodges the cameras by pulling up her hood. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-121 (L)
Lee Kuan Yew wins the opening tip! Tipping off with statesperson energy!
Mother Teresa, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild step-back three!
Lee Kuan Yew passes to nobody! This guy with rings on every finger with a head-scratching decision!
Mother Teresa left in the dust! Even a religious sister moves faster than that!
A tear drop from downtown by Mother Teresa! This swiss-army-knife type with the long range!
Off to the locker room. Lee Kuan Yew has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Lee Kuan Yew failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jesus Christ tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the messiah will bounce back!
The Buddha, this do-it-all player, bobbles the Spalding and the chance evaporates at half court!
Mother Teresa, this tweener, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Iron discipline!
The Buddha is running on fumes! The religious founder tank is completely empty!
The Buddha vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Mother Teresa stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Dwayne Johnson comes back to get her. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
Dwayne Johnson crosses over with energy from the opening whistle! This certified GOAT candidate locked in!
The Buddha air-mails a layup back to the basket! Way off for this first-ballot legend!
Jesus Christ throws it away! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure at half court!
This guy with rings on every finger Mother Teresa can't recover! Scored on under the basket! Limited stamina!
Lee Kuan Yew buries their face! Hidden from view, the statesperson can't watch!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Lee Kuan Yew picks up the pace. Fun fact: Lee Kuan Yew tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Lee Kuan Yew whiffs on the jumper! A statesperson off their game with their diplomatic pouch!
This first-ballot legend Lee Kuan Yew can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Dwayne Johnson with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
This undisputed superstar The Buddha shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Dwayne Johnson walks off in silence. This franchise cornerstone gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Lee Kuan Yew claps his hands in frustration. Mother Teresa clenches her jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-128 (L)
Dwayne Johnson, this basketball god, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
A catch-and-shoot triple from The Buddha catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Lee Kuan Yew, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
Lee Kuan Yew, this tweener, fouls unnecessarily from the right corner! Limited stamina!
The Buddha drives the towel! This certified GOAT candidate showing injury-prone body!
The locker room fills up. Dwayne Johnson has already eaten three oranges. They say Dwayne Johnson has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
A two-handed slam from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking in transition!
Jesus Christ powers through! The messiah in them won't quit on the game!
The Buddha with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost religious founder!
The Buddha can't mask the disappointment! This basketball god wearing it on the sleeve!
This household name Dwayne Johnson tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesus Christ sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. The Buddha winces. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-123 (L)
Lee Kuan Yew, this global icon, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
Dwayne Johnson, this generational talent, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jesus Christ dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the messiah's finest moment!
Dwayne Johnson gives up the back door! Sometimes predictable game when overplaying!
The Buddha can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the pill frustration!
Time to breathe. Dwayne Johnson has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Rumor has it Dwayne Johnson does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This certified GOAT candidate Mother Teresa rattles it out! So close yet so far at half court!
Jesus Christ mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Mother Teresa throws it into the stands! What was that from this basketball god!
Lee Kuan Yew storms to the bench! This certified GOAT candidate is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Lee Kuan Yew walks head down toward the tunnel. Dwayne Johnson drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I learned backstage that Dwayne Johnson also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season journal
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