Broncoas — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Broncoas | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Broncoas! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Seijuro Akashi is on this team. Seijuro Akashi, who is an amateur and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-126 (L)
Izuku Midoriya steps onto the den! From competing the game to this, game time!
All Might can't convert! The superhero's touch with the game deserted them!
This rising star Ryota Kise with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Ryota Kise loses the battle in the paint! Being a game designer doesn't help you here!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal high-fives his teammates on the way out. Word is Shaquille O'Neal sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Seijuro Akashi, this potential breakout star, pulls the trigger in transition but no luck!
Izuku Midoriya misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Shaquille O'Neal with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Shaquille O'Neal drives angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
Seijuro Akashi walks off in silence. This hungry young player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
All Might's eyes are glassy. Ryota Kise mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
114-80 (W)
All Might looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
Seijuro Akashi with the decisive sky hook! That dawg mentality when it matters most!
All Might drops it off underneath! Sneaky as a superhero slipping the game into place!
Ryota Kise shoots to the rack for a deep three! Can't contain this smooth operator!
All Might, this versatile guy, walls off the drive off the pick and roll! No way through!
End of the second quarter. Ryota Kise is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Ryota Kise tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Shaquille O'Neal goes coast to coast for a bucket! This all-time great is relentless!
Ryota Kise, this tweener, caps off a dominant performance! Iron discipline from start to finish!
Izuku Midoriya treated the water break like the game maintenance break! Efficient!
Izuku Midoriya does the superhero dance after a free throw! The game has never looked this fun!
This certified GOAT candidate Shaquille O'Neal wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Seijuro Akashi does a handstand. Izuku Midoriya holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-80 (W)
Seijuro Akashi, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This newcomer is in the building!
A finger roll from Seijuro Akashi! This who-is-this-guy player reminding everyone why they're on top!
Shaquille O'Neal threads the needle! Beautiful assist from downtown! Unreal court vision!
Ryota Kise scores at the buzzer! A two-handed slam with next-level basketball IQ! Brilliant!
This potential breakout star Seijuro Akashi with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Halftime. Seijuro Akashi wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little secret: Seijuro Akashi watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
A euro-step by Shaquille O'Neal! The building is rocking! This once-in-a-lifetime player takeover!
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
Ryota Kise wore their bare hands to the press conference! Fashion statement!
Ryota Kise flexes like they just finished competing the game! What a moment!
Ryota Kise celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their bare hands!
Ryota Kise and Shaquille O'Neal freestyle a victory rap. Izuku Midoriya does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
127-95 (W)
Izuku Midoriya announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
This unknown gem Seijuro Akashi capitalizes at the top of the key! A bucket with silky smooth technique!
Ryota Kise rotates beautifully! Spinning with precision worthy of their bare hands!
Shaquille O'Neal with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Iron discipline on that one!
Izuku Midoriya sets the screen at the perfect angle! This guy nobody was talking about cerebral play!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Seijuro Akashi to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Seijuro Akashi once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Seijuro Akashi with the smooth pull-up jumper! This hidden prospect making it look easy!
A sold-out gym on fire as Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, is introduced! Goosebumps!
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
All Might's superhero colleagues watch from the stands, the game banners held high!
All Might embraces teammates! The bond of competing the game together!
All Might and Izuku Midoriya lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
103-92 (W)
All Might shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this rising star!
Ryota Kise drives with the precision of a game designer at work. And it's a bank shot!
All Might blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
This hidden prospect Seijuro Akashi with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
All Might schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true superhero!
Break! Seijuro Akashi has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Seijuro Akashi once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Shaquille O'Neal with the and-one finger roll! Silky smooth technique through the whistle!
Deafening noise! Shaquille O'Neal fades away and the building shakes!
Shaquille O'Neal puts ego aside! The team comes first for this basketball god!
Izuku Midoriya, this hidden prospect, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! Wild stands!
This dude out of nowhere Seijuro Akashi is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Seijuro Akashi and Shaquille O'Neal pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. I learned tonight that Seijuro Akashi used to be a volunteer firefighter. That explains the unique running style. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-95 (W)
Seijuro Akashi, this who-is-this-guy player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Seijuro Akashi launches and converts! An and-one along the baseline! Money!
All Might an iron-wall defense and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a buzzer beater!
Izuku Midoriya shoots to the right spot! Ridiculous creativity off-ball movement!
Break time. Ryota Kise bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Exclusive info: Ryota Kise is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Shaquille O'Neal converts in transition! A bucket with trademark a killer instinct!
A roaring arena fills the arena! This rising star Ryota Kise feeds off the energy!
Izuku Midoriya tips the rebound to a teammate! Selfless play from this superhero!
The stadium knows it! Seijuro Akashi is special! This hungry young player writing legacy!
Izuku Midoriya explodes into the tunnel with the W! This hungry young player all smiles!
Seijuro Akashi mimes popping a champagne bottle. Shaquille O'Neal mimes chugging straight from it. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
106-116 (L)
Ryota Kise wins the opening tip! Tipping off with game designer energy!
Air ball from All Might! Being a superhero doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This total unknown Seijuro Akashi with turnover number buckets! Hot head is piling up!
Shaquille O'Neal scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!
All Might penetrates the damn ball with flair and hits a tear drop! Sensational!
The locker room fills up. Ryota Kise has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Ryota Kise blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Break's over, the players take their positions.
All Might pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The superhero in them is showing!
All Might misses! Even a superhero can't fix that shot!
All Might executes a full-court press perfectly! Precision learned as a superhero!
Seijuro Akashi, this all-around player, with tired legs from way beyond the arc! Sometimes predictable game slowing this guy nobody was talking about down!
Seijuro Akashi, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite eyes in the back of the head effort.
Ryota Kise's eyes are red, jaw tight. Seijuro Akashi apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
103-119 (L)
Ryota Kise spins with energy from the opening whistle! This hidden prospect locked in!
That one wasn't even close, Izuku Midoriya! Stick to competing the game!
Seijuro Akashi, this combo guard, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
All Might bites on the fake! Fooled like a superhero by counterfeit the game!
The technical flair of All Might recalls their superhero days. A bucket! Sublime!
Break! Izuku Midoriya takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. They say Izuku Midoriya eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
All Might argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
All Might forces a catch-and-shoot triple at the top of the key! This total unknown trying too hard!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Ryota Kise tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a game designer's energy for the game!
Ryota Kise had the chances but couldn't convert. This total unknown left wanting.
All Might walks head down toward the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
102-101 (W)
Tip-off! Seijuro Akashi gets us started! Let's go!
This player nobody saw coming Seijuro Akashi with the weak-side clutch steal! Incredible help!
Izuku Midoriya gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the superhero touch can't save that one!
Izuku Midoriya drops a fadeaway jumper! The accuracy of a superhero on full display!
Ryota Kise, this swiss-army-knife type, exploits the mismatch from the right corner! Smart play!
Coach calls everyone back. Shaquille O'Neal drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Shaquille O'Neal collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Seijuro Akashi wants the ball and delivers! An off-balance shot in the second half! Clutch gene!
Izuku Midoriya with a defensive stop! The reflexes of a superhero catching the game!
What a packed arena! Seijuro Akashi and the fans creating a spectacle!
Shaquille O'Neal rises up for the game-winner! A double-clutch layup! This potential GOAT is the moment!
Final buzzer! All Might's superhero shift on the field house ends in triumph!
All Might mimes popping a champagne bottle. Ryota Kise mimes chugging straight from it. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
105-107 (L)
Ryota Kise blows past into position! This raw talent not wasting any time!
All Might, this smooth operator, takes over in the paint. A two-handed slam! That's elite!
All Might gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
This dude out of nowhere Seijuro Akashi shanks an alley-oop from downtown! That's uncharacteristic!
Seijuro Akashi, this player nobody saw coming, wills the team back! Ridiculous creativity driving the comeback!
Break! Seijuro Akashi heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Seijuro Akashi talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Izuku Midoriya misses in the clutch! A reverse layup off the mark in the third quarter!
This newcomer All Might gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This surprise package Seijuro Akashi flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, chokes on the big stage! With seconds left on the clock miss!
Despite the loss, Ryota Kise held their own with the game! The game designer fought!
All Might walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Seijuro Akashi speeds up. Wants it to be over. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-127 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Ryota Kise catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Izuku Midoriya fires and misses in the paint. Should have stuck with the game!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Seijuro Akashi, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
A fadeaway jumper from All Might! This total unknown is putting on a show tonight!
Halftime. Izuku Midoriya's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Locker room intel: Izuku Midoriya has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This who-is-this-guy player Seijuro Akashi stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
A buzzer-beater from Ryota Kise hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Izuku Midoriya manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their bare hands on the game!
All Might gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a superhero begging the game for mercy!
Ryota Kise consoles teammates! The heart of a game designer in that moment!
All Might whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Seijuro Akashi nods without conviction. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-124 (L)
Izuku Midoriya stretches center court! Loosening up, the superhero is getting ready!
Seijuro Akashi can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this rising star!
All Might throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!
All Might gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
All Might kicks the air! The frustration of a superhero who knows they can do better!
The players file out. Ryota Kise exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Ryota Kise tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Ryota Kise bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
All Might is clearly fatigued! The four quarters of this plus the four quarters of competing the game!
Seijuro Akashi with a wild pass that sails out! This rising star giving it away!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This surprise package All Might tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
All Might lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Seijuro Akashi holds his in. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-102 (L)
Ryota Kise huddles with the team! Huddling up, the game designer strategizes!
Izuku Midoriya, this do-it-all player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this dark horse!
Seijuro Akashi coughs up the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again from the right corner!
Ryota Kise beaten to the spot! Slower than a game designer on a Monday morning!
What a play by All Might! A reverse layup off the pick and roll! This potential breakout star is cooking!
That's a cut. All Might stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Exclusive info: All Might is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Izuku Midoriya mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
This hidden prospect Ryota Kise misses the mark! A sky hook goes begging at the top of the key!
Ryota Kise goes small-ball! Adapting like a game designer who reads the room!
Seijuro Akashi, this player nobody saw coming, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Izuku Midoriya looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a superhero!
Seijuro Akashi kicks his towel across the floor. All Might has already left for the locker room, alone. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
93-121 (L)
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer beater from way beyond the arc!
Ryota Kise misfires at the buzzer! This guy nobody was talking about searching for answers!
All Might with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Ryota Kise can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
A pull-up jumper from Seijuro Akashi! This potential breakout star just keeps delivering!
Halftime whistle. Shaquille O'Neal spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Shaquille O'Neal once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Shaquille O'Neal glares at the scoreboard! This once-in-a-lifetime player not happy with the situation!
A euro-step from Ryota Kise catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
All Might spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Ryota Kise is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure game designer stubbornness!
All Might walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to superhero life tomorrow!
Seijuro Akashi mutters while walking out. Izuku Midoriya watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-120 (L)
The hardwood welcomes All Might! The superhero with the game has arrived!
Ryota Kise drives the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this raw talent!
Ryota Kise throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure in the paint!
Izuku Midoriya, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
A buzzer-beater by Seijuro Akashi driving to the hoop! Night-in night-out consistency in every fiber!
Into the tunnel. Ryota Kise grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know? Ryota Kise once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Izuku Midoriya rises up away from the huddle! This who-is-this-guy player in a dark place mentally!
Ryota Kise off the back iron! Hard miss, even a game designer cringes at that!
Ryota Kise positions perfectly in the right wing! Placement of their bare hands on the game!
Seijuro Akashi attacks but can't sustain the effort! Hot head emptying the tank!
Seijuro Akashi, this diamond in the rough, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Izuku Midoriya's lip is trembling. Seijuro Akashi dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Broncoas ends the season #8 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Broncoas!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Seijuro Akashi is on this team. Seijuro Akashi, who is an amateur and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Financially, we're in no man's land. Not poor, not rich. The kind of team that eyes the trade deadline with longing but knows it can only afford the appetizer, not the full meal. They've built a solid core through smart Draft picks and savvy free agent signings, but don't ask them to compete with the big dogs. Their weapon? Chemistry. And a coach who turns lead into gold. Well, bronze. Okay, silver on a good day.
Broncoas ends the season #8 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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