My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. BigXthaPlug. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed BigXthaPlug. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
92-121 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a philanthropist on day one!
This guy with a proven track record Hasbulla misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
Stephen Hawking with the errant pass! This generational talent needs to settle down!
This franchise cornerstone Jeffrey Epstein can't recover! Scored on along the baseline! Injury-prone body!
Hasbulla with the step-back step-back three! Creating space like an internet celebrity with their ring light!
Halftime! Jeffrey Epstein walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. True story: Jeffrey Epstein walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Detroit Engine-Roar. Awkward. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
BigXthaPlug tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the rapper will bounce back!
BigXthaPlug forces up a bucket over the defense! Defense that's basically a suggestion! Bad decision!
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, exploits the mismatch at the buzzer! Smart play!
Stephen Hawking soldiers on! The soldier who challenges the young scholars with their lecture notes!
This global icon Stephen Hawking congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
Hasbulla hurls his water bottle at the wall. Stephen Hawking flinches but doesn't react. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
111-97 (W)
Adolf Hitler rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This living legend locked in!
Jeffrey Epstein, this solid build, glides to back to the basket for a silky finger roll!
Stephen Hawking denies the entry pass! No the young scholars gets past this university professor!
This all-time great Stephen Hawking finds the open man! Assist and a buzzer-beater!
BigXthaPlug outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a rapper with their hot mic!
The players head in. Jeffrey Epstein slips on the wet tunnel floor. Exclusive info: Jeffrey Epstein is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Hasbulla, this next-level player, reads the play perfectly and delivers a double-clutch layup!
Post-game fireworks for Adolf Hitler! Brighter than their service rifle on a perfect day!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
Jeffrey Epstein brings blue-collar their bare hands grit to the gym!
BigXthaPlug with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, rapper style!
Stephen Hawking rips the net off the rim. Adolf Hitler wraps it around his neck like a scarf. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-106 (W)
BigXthaPlug sets the tone early! The rapper came to play tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein picks their pocket! A philanthropist with quick hands knows how to handle thieves!
BigXthaPlug shoots an air ball in an incredible energy! A rapper lost in the noise!
The crowd erupts as Hasbulla nails a finger roll! An internet celebrity on fire at the court!
Stephen Hawking, this living legend, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a buzzer-beater!
Halftime whistle. BigXthaPlug spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: BigXthaPlug once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Hasbulla steps up when needed! Reliable as their ring light in an internet celebrity's kit!
Stephen Hawking takes the charge! Tough as nails, that's a university professor who doesn't back down!
Jeffrey Epstein gets the loudest cheer! Louder than a philanthropist's proudest moment!
Adolf Hitler scores through the foul! Nothing stops a soldier with their service rifle!
Stephen Hawking pulls up the trophy! This undisputed superstar adds to the collection! A hug with the coach!
BigXthaPlug and Stephen Hawking carry Jeffrey Epstein like a trophy across the entire court. I learned tonight that BigXthaPlug used to be a university professor. That explains the unique running style. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
98-107 (L)
Stephen Hawking checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
BigXthaPlug goes to work the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this player nobody saw coming!
BigXthaPlug throws it into the stands! What was that from this potential breakout star!
BigXthaPlug watches them score! Just watching, like watching their hot mic gather dust!
Adolf Hitler knocks down a half-court heave from the left corner! Ice in the veins!
Halftime! Hasbulla checks his stats on the board and winces. Confession: Hasbulla tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Hasbulla, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Adolf Hitler misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the front line!
Adolf Hitler makes the hockey pass! Unreal swagger finding the extra pass!
Jeffrey Epstein is running on pure willpower! This global icon refusing to quit!
Despite the loss, Adolf Hitler held their own with the front line! The soldier fought!
Jeffrey Epstein clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Stephen Hawking fidgets with his wristband nervously. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-107 (L)
This hooper's hooper Hasbulla catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Adolf Hitler misses! Even a soldier can't fix that shot!
Adolf Hitler passes to nobody! This household name with a head-scratching decision!
Stephen Hawking, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
Hasbulla with the smooth free throw! This name that's buzzing making it look easy!
Halftime whistle. Hasbulla high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know Hasbulla started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
BigXthaPlug slams the leather in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
BigXthaPlug, this unknown gem, comes up empty! An and-one off target from mid-range!
Stephen Hawking lets fly the ball out of the trap! Insane court vision under pressure!
Hasbulla gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like an internet celebrity begging the algorithm for mercy!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite nerves of steel effort.
BigXthaPlug clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Hasbulla fidgets with his wristband nervously. Did you know that Hasbulla practices university professor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
98-122 (L)
This total unknown BigXthaPlug gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Stephen Hawking misses the open look! A university professor never misses the young scholars... But misses the leather!
Hasbulla loses the Wilson! An internet celebrity would never be this careless!
Hasbulla gives up the easy bucket! Easier than captivating the algorithm!
Hasbulla knocks it down! Solid as an internet celebrity with their ring light in hand!
Coach calls everyone back. Adolf Hitler drags his feet toward the tunnel. Confession: Adolf Hitler tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
BigXthaPlug slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rapper hits the workbench!
BigXthaPlug launches from deep and misses! A rapper's range doesn't apply here!
Jeffrey Epstein reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this philanthropist!
Jeffrey Epstein bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a philanthropist after their bare hands overtime!
BigXthaPlug tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we spits better, like the fiery bars!'
Jeffrey Epstein turns back to look at the court one last time. Stephen Hawking doesn't turn around. I learned backstage that Stephen Hawking also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
107-115 (L)
Hasbulla huddles with the team! Huddling up, the internet celebrity strategizes!
Stephen Hawking whiffs on the jumper! A university professor off their game with their lecture notes!
Stolen from Hasbulla! An internet celebrity who let it slip through their fingers!
Stephen Hawking overcommits! Going all-in like a university professor on the young scholars, but wrong!
Hasbulla penetrates the rock with freakish explosiveness. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
The players disappear. BigXthaPlug has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. They say BigXthaPlug has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Hasbulla throws their hands up! Like an internet celebrity when their ring light breaks!
Stephen Hawking takes a tough and-one and it doesn't go! Sometimes predictable game in shot selection!
Hasbulla controls the glass! Board work as precise as a day job with their ring light!
BigXthaPlug tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a rapper's energy for the fiery bars!
Jeffrey Epstein fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the philanthropist gave everything!
Stephen Hawking scratches the back of his neck nervously. Adolf Hitler has the look of someone who has seen things. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
96-119 (L)
Tip-off! Hasbulla gets us started! Let's go!
BigXthaPlug short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their hot mic!
Jeffrey Epstein turns it over in beyond the arc! Butterfingers from this philanthropist!
BigXthaPlug gets posterized! A rapper framed by their hot mic in the worst way!
This absolute legend Jeffrey Epstein capitalizes from mid-range! A hook shot with an unmatched feel for the game!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Stephen Hawking walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? Stephen Hawking has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Adolf Hitler buries their face! Hidden from view, the soldier can't watch!
Hasbulla bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
This seasoned vet Hasbulla switches defensive assignments on the fly! Eyes in the back of the head!
Hasbulla is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the internet celebrity is spent!
Adolf Hitler absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a soldier knows tough days!
Stephen Hawking watches the crowd file out in silence. Adolf Hitler prefers not to look. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-126 (L)
BigXthaPlug stretches center court! Loosening up, the rapper is getting ready!
Stephen Hawking off the back iron! Hard miss, even a university professor cringes at that!
Adolf Hitler with the backcourt violation! This household name under too much pressure!
Stephen Hawking left in the dust! Even a university professor moves faster than that!
BigXthaPlug mouths off on a clutch free throw! A rapper venting about the fiery bars!
Cut! Halftime. BigXthaPlug's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive: BigXthaPlug was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
BigXthaPlug fires and misses from along the baseline. Should have stuck with the fiery bars!
Jeffrey Epstein asks for ice! Cooling down, even a philanthropist's engine needs a rest!
Stephen Hawking forces the pass! Forcing their lecture notes where it doesn't fit!
BigXthaPlug argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
Jeffrey Epstein gave it everything! Everything a philanthropist has, left on the court!
Stephen Hawking's complexion is grey. BigXthaPlug's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
80-113 (L)
Adolf Hitler announces themselves! The soldier has arrived and the building knows it!
BigXthaPlug misfires! The rapper's precision with the fiery bars is nowhere to be found!
Adolf Hitler charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Adolf Hitler gets posted up and scored on! This household name overpowered!
Hasbulla crosses over angrily after the turnover! This next-level player spiraling!
Halftime. The doctor examines Adolf Hitler's shoulder while the others catch their breath. I've been told Adolf Hitler always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Jeffrey Epstein with the contested buzzer-beater facing the rim! No good! Bad selection!
Stephen Hawking gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from challenging the young scholars and hooping!
Hasbulla dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jeffrey Epstein gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jeffrey Epstein takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad philanthropist day!
Stephen Hawking rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Adolf Hitler picks up his own and folds it carefully. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-115 (L)
BigXthaPlug, this smooth operator, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
A pull-up jumper from Hasbulla catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
BigXthaPlug coughs up the ball! Sometimes predictable game strikes again along the baseline!
Hasbulla gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
Hasbulla turns beyond the arc into a workshop. A bucket crafted with their ring light!
First half is done. BigXthaPlug is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: BigXthaPlug failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Stephen Hawking kicks the air! The frustration of a university professor who knows they can do better!
BigXthaPlug drives but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-around player, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! A killer instinct!
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, looks exhausted driving to the hoop! The legs are gone!
Stephen Hawking looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a university professor!
Stephen Hawking whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Adolf Hitler nods without conviction. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-125 (L)
Adolf Hitler steps onto the venue! From defending the front line to this, game time!
Jeffrey Epstein fires a two-handed slam facing the rim but can't connect! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Hasbulla botches the handoff! Even their ring light exchanges go smoother!
Jeffrey Epstein gets blown by! Even a philanthropist couldn't stop that!
Adolf Hitler gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Back to the locker room. Adolf Hitler punches his locker. Did you know? Adolf Hitler once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A scoop layup from BigXthaPlug hits the iron! Ego the size of Texas under the spotlight!
Adolf Hitler stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a soldier over the front line!
Hasbulla loses the basketball in traffic! This up-and-coming baller can't afford that!
Hasbulla storms to the bench! This up-and-coming baller is visibly upset!
Adolf Hitler packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Hasbulla refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Adolf Hitler watches it and immediately regrets it. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-111 (L)
Stephen Hawking starts in the floor general! Playing the floor general the way a university professor plays with their lecture notes!
Jeffrey Epstein can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the ball differently than the game!
Hasbulla throws it away! A pass worse than an internet celebrity tossing the algorithm!
This certified GOAT candidate Stephen Hawking picks up the cheap foul! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Hasbulla, this respected competitor, operates driving to the hoop with a scoop layup! Clinic!
Both teams head to the locker room. Hasbulla wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote: Hasbulla once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Air ball from Adolf Hitler! Being a soldier doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Adolf Hitler draws the double team! Attracting attention, the soldier is a magnet out there!
BigXthaPlug, this dude out of nowhere, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
Hasbulla, this solid pro, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
BigXthaPlug closes his eyes walking out. Hasbulla keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-124 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a philanthropist who means business!
Adolf Hitler can't convert! The soldier's touch with the front line deserted them!
Hasbulla with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the algorithm!
Adolf Hitler reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Stephen Hawking mutters to himself walking back! This undisputed superstar fighting inner demons!
End of the first half. Hasbulla is beet red but still standing. They say Hasbulla has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Hasbulla, this do-it-all player, bobbles the basketball and the chance evaporates back to the basket!
BigXthaPlug can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of spitting the fiery bars!
Hasbulla dunks into a dead end from downtown! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
Adolf Hitler drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a soldier's spirit has limits!
BigXthaPlug walks off in defeat! Even a rapper's skills couldn't save tonight!
BigXthaPlug chews his nails on the bench. Adolf Hitler stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I learned backstage that Adolf Hitler also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-108 (L)
Adolf Hitler looks dialed in from the start! Scary good handles preparation showing!
Hasbulla, this solid build, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Limited stamina!
Stephen Hawking dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the university professor's finest moment!
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
A step-back three from Hasbulla! This hooper's hooper just keeps delivering!
First half is done. Adolf Hitler is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Adolf Hitler watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Adolf Hitler picks up the second technical! This all-time great ejected! Hot head!
Adolf Hitler clanks another one off the rim! This potential GOAT needs to find rhythm!
Hasbulla sets the screen with precision worthy of their ring light! Tactical genius!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
Adolf Hitler leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
BigXthaPlug and Stephen Hawking walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: BigXthaPlug.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. BigXthaPlug. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed BigXthaPlug. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: BigXthaPlug.
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
Do you like this creation?
Share it with your friends!
