My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Kushagra Singh is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Kushagra Singh, his brother-in-law and a researcher by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their lab notebook and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Kushagra Singh can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the unknown variable to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-133 (L)
The game begins and Kurt Kaufmann is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Kushagra Singh misfires facing the rim! Their lab notebook calibration needed!
This all-time great Joe Biden commits the offensive foul! Turnover in the paint!
Joe Biden beaten to the spot! Slower than a university professor on a Monday morning!
Kushagra Singh, this tweener, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
The locker room fills up. Johnny Sins has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Johnny Sins once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Albert Einstein misses the open look! This first-ballot legend can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Albert Einstein gulps water! As thirsty as an inventor reaching for the status quo!
Kurt Kaufmann with the backcourt violation! A politician going backwards with the public policy!
Kushagra Singh buries their face! Hidden from view, the researcher can't watch!
This global icon Joe Biden tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Albert Einstein collapses into the first available chair. Kurt Kaufmann stays standing, eyes glazed over. Did you know that Kurt Kaufmann practices tv host on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-124 (L)
Kurt Kaufmann, this surprise package, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
Kurt Kaufmann takes off but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Albert Einstein posts up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Johnny Sins gets posted up and scored on! This next-level player overpowered!
Johnny Sins, this player on the come-up, threads the needle for a bank shot from the left corner!
Halftime. Joe Biden glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Fun fact: Joe Biden blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Albert Einstein can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Johnny Sins with a rough fadeaway jumper facing the rim! Injury-prone body at the worst time!
Kurt Kaufmann makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true politician!
Johnny Sins powers through! The tv host in them won't quit on the game!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Albert Einstein leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Johnny Sins's gaze is cold, distant. Albert Einstein's gaze is hot, angry. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
75-119 (L)
Joe Biden steps onto the floor! From challenging the young scholars to this, game time!
Albert Einstein, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Kurt Kaufmann throws it away! A pass worse than a politician tossing the public policy!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This undisputed superstar Albert Einstein fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Players head to the locker room. Johnny Sins has tape on three fingers. Little secret: Johnny Sins has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Albert Einstein heaves and misses! Should have heaved the status quo instead!
Kushagra Singh waves for a timeout! The researcher needs the unknown variable break!
Sloppy handling by Johnny Sins! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Kurt Kaufmann kicks the air! The frustration of a politician who knows they can do better!
Kurt Kaufmann shoots past the media. This total unknown not in the mood to talk.
Johnny Sins has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Albert Einstein has aged ten years in forty minutes. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-131 (L)
Kurt Kaufmann, this combo guard, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Kurt Kaufmann can't buy a bucket! Another miss at half court! Frustrating!
Kushagra Singh tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Tendency to rush in the decision-making!
Albert Einstein gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the status quo behind their prototype sketch!
Kurt Kaufmann storms to the bench! This diamond in the rough is visibly upset!
Break. Joe Biden collapses next to the vending machine. Bus driver's confession: Joe Biden raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Kushagra Singh, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Johnny Sins dishes sluggishly! Tendency to force bad shots catching up with this guy with a proven track record!
Albert Einstein with a wild pass that sails out! This certified GOAT candidate giving it away!
Joe Biden can't hide the frustration! Their lecture notes frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
This surprise package Kurt Kaufmann shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
Kurt Kaufmann's complexion is grey. Johnny Sins's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
82-127 (L)
Albert Einstein, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
Kushagra Singh fires a bucket driving to the hoop but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Kushagra Singh loses the Spalding! A researcher would never be this careless!
This hooper's hooper Johnny Sins caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Johnny Sins slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a tv host hits the workbench!
Rest time. Albert Einstein isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Albert Einstein got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Albert Einstein launches from deep and misses! An inventor's range doesn't apply here!
Johnny Sins mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
Albert Einstein double-dribbles! Revolutionizing the status quo doesn't have that rule!
Albert Einstein pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The inventor in them is showing!
Joe Biden tips the cap to the winners! The university professor's grace with the young scholars!
Joe Biden replays the score in his head on a loop. Johnny Sins tries to think about something else. Did you know that Johnny Sins practices tv host on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-134 (L)
Johnny Sins looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
Albert Einstein launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the status quo, and it shows!
Kushagra Singh throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure on the low block!
Albert Einstein watches them score! Just watching, like watching their prototype sketch gather dust!
Kushagra Singh argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to investigating the unknown variable!
Back to the locker room. Kushagra Singh punches his locker. True story: Kushagra Singh had his parking spot stolen by Los Angeles Nursing-Home's mascot. Still talks about it. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Joe Biden skips it off the rim! The young scholars has better hop than that!
Joe Biden is gassed! This basketball god bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Kushagra Singh throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the researcher got too confident!
Albert Einstein, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Albert Einstein looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for an inventor!
Johnny Sins hurls his water bottle at the wall. Albert Einstein flinches but doesn't react. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-124 (L)
Kushagra Singh wins the opening tip! Tipping off with researcher energy!
Kushagra Singh bricks another one! Building something awful with their lab notebook tonight!
Johnny Sins dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a tv host like that!
Johnny Sins can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
This player on the come-up Johnny Sins slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
That's a wrap for now. Kurt Kaufmann dives into the tunnel. Word is Kurt Kaufmann sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kurt Kaufmann, this tweener, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hungry young player!
Albert Einstein is huffing and puffing! Winded, even an inventor would call it quits!
Joe Biden, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Hot head in ball-handling!
Johnny Sins spins angrily after the turnover! This name that's buzzing spiraling!
Joe Biden takes the loss hard! Hard as the young scholars on a bad university professor day!
Johnny Sins closes his eyes walking out. Albert Einstein keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
78-123 (L)
Johnny Sins fires up the crowd to open the game! This player making noise starting strong!
Air ball from Joe Biden! Being a university professor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Kurt Kaufmann loses possession! The public policy never leaves a politician's hands like that!
Kushagra Singh beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the unknown variable slipping from a researcher!
This living legend Albert Einstein shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Time to breathe. Kushagra Singh has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Kushagra Singh plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Joe Biden rattles in and out! The young scholars never teases a university professor like that!
Kushagra Singh is running on fumes! The researcher tank is completely empty!
Albert Einstein gets picked! An inventor getting the status quo stolen in broad daylight!
Kushagra Singh drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
This hungry young player Kushagra Singh stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hungry young player wanted.
Albert Einstein's gaze is cold, distant. Johnny Sins's gaze is hot, angry. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-122 (L)
Kurt Kaufmann, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! Scary good handles from the jump!
A pull-up jumper from Kurt Kaufmann hits the iron! Ego the size of Texas under the spotlight!
Johnny Sins turns it over on the inbound pass! A tv host dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Kurt Kaufmann loses the battle in the paint! Being a politician doesn't help you here!
Kushagra Singh, this dude out of nowhere, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
End of the first act. Kushagra Singh is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote of the day: Kushagra Singh forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
A pull-up jumper by Kurt Kaufmann from way beyond the arc is way off! Tough night for this unknown gem!
Kushagra Singh fires away but can't sustain the effort! Hot head emptying the tank!
Albert Einstein gets the ball stripped! The status quo would have stayed in an inventor's grip!
Kushagra Singh posts up away from the huddle! This surprise package in a dark place mentally!
Joe Biden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Johnny Sins collapses into the first available chair. Joe Biden stays standing, eyes glazed over. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
77-122 (L)
This generational talent Albert Einstein catches the Wilson early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, can't finish in transition! That one stings!
Albert Einstein crosses over into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Albert Einstein left in the dust! Even an inventor moves faster than that!
Kushagra Singh takes off and kicks the stanchion! This hungry young player losing composure!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Albert Einstein to massage his thighs. Intel: Albert Einstein once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Kurt Kaufmann misses at the buzzer! A politician who missed the deadline!
Kushagra Singh can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of investigating the unknown variable!
Joe Biden with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost university professor!
Johnny Sins gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Kurt Kaufmann fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the politician gave everything!
Johnny Sins and Kurt Kaufmann share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-121 (L)
Johnny Sins opens with a floater! This hooper's hooper making an early statement!
Joe Biden gets blocked! Rejected harder than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Joe Biden with the errant pass! This guy with rings on every finger needs to settle down!
Kushagra Singh can't stay in front! Investigating the unknown variable doesn't build lateral quickness!
Kushagra Singh storms to the bench! Heated! This researcher doesn't handle losing well!
Rest time. Kushagra Singh isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: Kushagra Singh once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Joe Biden shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a university professor would cringe!
Joe Biden tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a university professor's energy for the young scholars!
Joe Biden loses the rock in traffic! This potential GOAT can't afford that!
Kurt Kaufmann, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Johnny Sins walks off in defeat! Even a tv host's skills couldn't save tonight!
Joe Biden avoids the cameras like the plague. Kurt Kaufmann gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-128 (L)
Tip-off! Joe Biden gets us started! Let's go!
Joe Biden clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lecture notes hitting the young scholars!
Albert Einstein with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Kurt Kaufmann gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
This first-ballot legend Albert Einstein stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Rest. Kurt Kaufmann buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Kurt Kaufmann got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Off the mark for Kushagra Singh! Great researcher, not so great at basketball tonight!
Kushagra Singh plays through exhaustion! The endurance of investigating the unknown variable daily!
Kurt Kaufmann, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Kushagra Singh looks to the heavens! A researcher praying for their lab notebook to work!
Joe Biden wipes a tear! A university professor who poured everything into the effort!
Johnny Sins shakes Kushagra Singh's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
Joe Biden huddles with the team! Huddling up, the university professor strategizes!
Albert Einstein, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild and-one!
Kurt Kaufmann, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped from the right corner! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Kushagra Singh gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a researcher's worst day on the job!
Joe Biden posts up the towel! This first-ballot legend showing tendency to force bad shots!
Break! Albert Einstein takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little secret: Albert Einstein watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Johnny Sins bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
This hungry young player Kushagra Singh calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Limited stamina taking its toll!
Johnny Sins penetrates into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Kurt Kaufmann picks up the second technical! This total unknown ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Kushagra Singh, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Joe Biden is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Kushagra Singh waits at the tunnel entrance. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-119 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes Kushagra Singh! The researcher with the unknown variable has arrived!
Kurt Kaufmann rattles it out! Shaking the floor with their campaign podium intensity!
Johnny Sins turns it over in the free-throw line! Butterfingers from this tv host!
This hidden prospect Kushagra Singh gives up the offensive rebound! Hot head when boxing out!
Kushagra Singh waves off the play! The authority of a researcher in that gesture!
Break! Albert Einstein takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Albert Einstein raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
The rim rejects Johnny Sins! The rim says no! Even a tv host gets rejected sometimes!
Kurt Kaufmann needs oxygen! More winded than a politician after overtime!
This franchise cornerstone Albert Einstein dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Johnny Sins mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Kurt Kaufmann, this hungry young player, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Kurt Kaufmann scratches the back of his neck nervously. Joe Biden has the look of someone who has seen things. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-127 (L)
Kurt Kaufmann comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the politician means business!
A thunderous slam from Joe Biden sails wide! This all-time great needs to regroup!
Joe Biden trips up in beyond the arc! A university professor never trips at work... Right?
Johnny Sins turns the head and loses the man! This name that's buzzing napping defensively!
Kurt Kaufmann, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Lack of consistency written all over his face!
Halftime. The doctor examines Joe Biden's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little scoop: Joe Biden collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Kurt Kaufmann can't score in the fourth quarter! This politician is way off tonight!
Joe Biden grabs the shorts! This potential GOAT is running on fumes!
Stolen from Joe Biden! A university professor who let it slip through their fingers!
Kushagra Singh tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the researcher will bounce back!
Johnny Sins sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a tv host after their bare hands broke!
Johnny Sins's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Albert Einstein breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kushagra Singh.
Season journal
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