My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Duke Dennis. The man is a youtuber. Yes, you heard that right. A youtuber. On a basketball court. With their camera in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Duke Dennis had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-125 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
Duke Dennis can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the leather differently than the algorithm!
Damian Lillard, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
This hooper's hooper Damian Lillard caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Damian Lillard storms to the bench! This next-level player is visibly upset!
Heading in. Damian Lillard's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Damian Lillard slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Damian Lillard misses the open look! This next-level player can't believe it! Tendency to rush!
Damian Lillard is cramping up! This legit talent trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Damian Lillard lets fly carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
This legit talent Ja Morant tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Ja Morant refuses the coach's embrace. Damian Lillard accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-91 (W)
Jesser takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Duke Dennis scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a youtuber!
Damian Lillard, this versatile guy, alters the shot! Pure God-given talent at the rim!
Jesser with the no-look pass! Captivating the algorithm blindfolded!
Jesser uses that youtuber IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Halftime. Ja Morant is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Ja Morant tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jesser with the step-back and-one! Creating space like a youtuber with their camera!
Ja Morant in a standing ovation! This league veteran has been waiting for this stage!
Ja Morant, this solid build, boxes out for the teammate! This up-and-coming baller doing the dirty work!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal is living their best moment right now from mid-range!
That's the game! Ja Morant finishes with a monster performance! This up-and-coming baller victorious!
Jesser and Shaquille O'Neal freestyle a victory rap. Damian Lillard does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
104-110 (L)
Duke Dennis stretches center court! Loosening up, the youtuber is getting ready!
Damian Lillard gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!
Stolen from Jesser! A youtuber who let it slip through their fingers!
Damian Lillard gets burned on the drive! Tendency to force bad shots in lateral movement!
Damian Lillard buries a catch-and-shoot triple on the low block! This guy with a proven track record is on fire tonight!
Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Shaquille O'Neal purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Duke Dennis slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a youtuber hits the workbench!
Damian Lillard forces a bank shot at the top of the key! This player on the come-up trying too hard!
Jesser adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a youtuber with the algorithm!
This unknown gem Duke Dennis can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Ja Morant posts up past the media. This legit talent not in the mood to talk.
Duke Dennis avoids the cameras like the plague. Jesser gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
121-102 (W)
The game begins and Jesser is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!
Damian Lillard, this player making noise, operates from way beyond the arc with a half-court heave! Clinic!
Duke Dennis, this tweener, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
Damian Lillard, this smooth operator, runs the offense with scary good handles! Beautiful passing!
Damian Lillard, this solid pro, manages the clock beautifully in the fourth quarter!
The players head in. Ja Morant slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Ja Morant launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Duke Dennis strings together a half-court heave at the buzzer. Scary good handles on full display!
Duke Dennis throws the shorts to the crowd! Better than throwing the algorithm!
This up-and-coming baller Ja Morant swings the basketball around! That dawg mentality ball movement!
Jesser plays with the grit of someone who captivates the algorithm daily!
Jesser is named player of the game! The youtuber is also the star!
Duke Dennis drops to his knees and kisses the court. Damian Lillard pretends to gag. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
115-106 (W)
Duke Dennis opens with an off-balance shot! This unknown gem making an early statement!
Duke Dennis fades away and delivers a devastating dunk! Their camera by day, buckets by night!
This seasoned vet Ja Morant anchors the defense in transition! Nothing gets through!
Duke Dennis with the kick-out pass! Kicking the offense into gear, youtuber style!
This dude putting the league on notice Damian Lillard switches defensive assignments on the fly! Insane court vision!
The players disappear. Jesser has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: Jesser asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal converts driving to the hoop! A pull-up jumper right on cue!
You can feel an incredible energy through the screen! Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight!
Duke Dennis feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with youtuber generosity!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
This name that's buzzing Damian Lillard thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Jesser rips the net off the rim. Damian Lillard wraps it around his neck like a scarf. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
123-88 (W)
Jesser, this combo guard, is introduced and the arena explodes! This diamond in the rough is in the building!
Damian Lillard converts a tough layup at the top of the key! Skill level: elite!
Jesser with the incredible court vision! This raw talent sees passes nobody else does!
Damian Lillard, this established player, knifes through for a bank shot on the low block! Wow!
Shaquille O'Neal plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this certified GOAT candidate!
The players head to the locker room. Duke Dennis is sweating like a racehorse. Exclusive: Duke Dennis was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Duke Dennis lays it in softly! Touch softer than a youtuber's hands on the job!
Jesser turns it into a clinic! Schooling everybody out there!
Jesser high-fived a teammate with their camera still in hand! Ouch!
Duke Dennis with a bench mob celebration after the big play! That's a youtuber who knows how to party!
Shaquille O'Neal, this franchise cornerstone, high-fives the bench! A salute to the fans! Team effort!
Duke Dennis hits a dab in 2026. Ja Morant does an ironic dab. Shaquille O'Neal has no idea what that is. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-121 (L)
Jesser announces themselves! The youtuber has arrived and the building knows it!
Ja Morant, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild sky hook!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
This established player Damian Lillard can't recover! Scored on under the basket! Lack of consistency!
Jesser launches and it's an alley-oop! This who-is-this-guy player proving the doubters wrong!
Break. Damian Lillard collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Little scoop: Damian Lillard collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Ja Morant mutters to himself walking back! This dude putting the league on notice fighting inner demons!
This hidden prospect Jesser whiffs on an off-balance shot! The crowd groans!
This next-level player Damian Lillard calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Duke Dennis looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a youtuber relieved of their camera!
Jesser packs up and heads out! Packing their camera, unpacking emotions!
Duke Dennis closes his eyes walking out. Damian Lillard keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-118 (L)
Damian Lillard, this up-and-coming baller, draws first blood! A layup to start!
Jesser bricks another one! Building something awful with their camera tonight!
Damian Lillard with a wild pass that sails out! This up-and-coming baller giving it away!
Ja Morant, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Lack of consistency exposed!
Duke Dennis, this swiss-army-knife type, muscles in for a finger roll! Pure power!
Halftime. Duke Dennis wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Locker room anecdote: Duke Dennis talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Ja Morant slams the Spalding in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Jesser whiffs on the jumper! A youtuber off their game with their camera!
Damian Lillard reads the defense perfectly! Unreal swagger and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Ja Morant short-arms the shot from fatigue! This league veteran has nothing left!
Duke Dennis absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a youtuber knows tough days!
Shaquille O'Neal walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Ja Morant drags one foot after the other. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
110-105 (W)
Jesser comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the youtuber means business!
This player nobody saw coming Jesser forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Brick! Shaquille O'Neal misfires back to the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Ja Morant scores with iron discipline. A devastating dunk facing the rim! Too smooth!
Duke Dennis uses the hesitation dribble! Nerves of steel creating separation!
Halftime! Ja Morant has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. True story: Ja Morant walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Houston Blast-Off. Awkward. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Shaquille O'Neal with the pressure-proof pull-up jumper from mid-range! On a clutch free throw!
Jesser blocks the layup attempt! A charge taken with their camera authority!
Duke Dennis, this swiss-army-knife type, basks in a roaring arena! This is home!
Damian Lillard launches and drills it! During crunch time! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Jesser leaves everything on the temple of basketball! Left it all out there tonight!
Duke Dennis and Shaquille O'Neal cradle the game ball like a baby. Ja Morant takes a photo. Did you know that Ja Morant practices youtuber on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-126 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this global icon!
Damian Lillard forces up a bank shot over the defense! Occasional mental lapses! Bad decision!
Damian Lillard with the backcourt violation! This name that's buzzing under too much pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, gets dunked on at half court! Poster material!
Damian Lillard with the tough double-clutch layup through contact! This name that's buzzing won't be denied!
Break! Ja Morant grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Locker room anecdote: Ja Morant talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This total unknown Jesser fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Damian Lillard with a rough bucket from mid-range! Heavy feet at the worst time!
This legit talent Damian Lillard uses the floater over this do-it-all player coverage! Smart!
Duke Dennis can barely run! The four quarters harder than the four quarters of captivating the algorithm!
Jesser consoles teammates! The heart of a youtuber in that moment!
Shaquille O'Neal's lip is trembling. Jesser dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I learned that Shaquille O'Neal's father was a youtuber. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-113 (L)
Ja Morant fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy with a proven track record starting strong!
Jesser fades away the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this dark horse!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, gets called for the carry! Tendency to rush in ball-handling!
Damian Lillard gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Damian Lillard can't mask the disappointment! This player on the come-up wearing it on the sleeve!
Break. Ja Morant collapses next to the vending machine. Staff confession: Ja Morant is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Damian Lillard launches a bank shot and... Airball! Hot head at its peak!
Jesser drags their feet! Heavy as their camera at the end of a shift!
Ja Morant loses the leather in traffic! This up-and-coming baller can't afford that!
Jesser, this diamond in the rough, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
Damian Lillard, this seasoned vet, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Duke Dennis walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Damian Lillard drags one foot after the other. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
117-105 (W)
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal in the starting lineup! Let's see what this basketball god brings!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Jesser! The crowd erupts! Unreal swagger personified!
Duke Dennis with the denial defense! This hidden prospect not giving an inch!
Ja Morant, this all-around player, finds the trailer! A step-back three off the assist, easy money!
Ja Morant goes to work the ball out of the trap! Eyes in the back of the head under pressure!
Back to the locker room. Jesser's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote of the day: Jesser forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, uses strength and skill for a pull-up jumper! Complete player!
Duke Dennis fires away and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Damian Lillard sprints back on defense! This up-and-coming baller leading by example!
Ja Morant, this name that's buzzing, delivers an All-Star Game worthy play! Wisdom and poise!
Jesser pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This dark horse savors the win!
Shaquille O'Neal mimes popping a champagne bottle. Damian Lillard mimes chugging straight from it. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
98-99 (L)
This potential breakout star Duke Dennis opens the scoring! A half-court heave! Early advantage!
A thunderous slam from Damian Lillard! This seasoned vet is putting on a show tonight!
Duke Dennis, this do-it-all player, fouls unnecessarily at half court! Occasional mental lapses!
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, gets the separation but can't finish! Hot head!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal draws the charge! Momentum swinging from the right corner!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Shaquille O'Neal asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Duke Dennis gets stripped on a clutch free throw! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
Jesser buries their face! Hidden from view, the youtuber can't watch!
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this first-ballot legend right now!
Shaquille O'Neal can't convert in the extra period! This global icon shrinks in the moment!
Shaquille O'Neal steps back to the tunnel in disappointment. This hall-of-fame lock will learn from this.
Shaquille O'Neal taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Duke Dennis walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight I learned Shaquille O'Neal used to be a youtuber before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
105-111 (L)
This hidden prospect Duke Dennis comes out firing! A finger roll in the first minute!
Ja Morant, this legit talent, pulls the trigger along the baseline but no luck!
Shaquille O'Neal fades away the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this undisputed superstar!
Jesser watches them score! Just watching, like watching their camera gather dust!
A two-handed slam from Duke Dennis driving to the hoop! That's a statement right there!
The players head in. Damian Lillard slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Damian Lillard has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
Duke Dennis, this versatile guy, can't get a half-court heave to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Damian Lillard bends over during the dead ball! This hooper's hooper gathering what's left!
Damian Lillard walks off in silence. This dude putting the league on notice gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Duke Dennis presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Damian Lillard walks right past without noticing. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
102-95 (W)
Ja Morant, this solid build, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
Jesser blows past past everyone for an off-balance shot! This do-it-all player on a mission!
This seasoned vet Ja Morant takes the charge at half court! Gutsy play!
Jesser spots the mismatch! Eagle-eyed like a youtuber inspecting the algorithm!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, sets a brick-wall screen! Unreal swagger on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Ja Morant wipes his forehead with his jersey. Quick anecdote about Ja Morant: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jesser converts the and-one! Tough as captivating the algorithm all day!
Damian Lillard, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the standing ovation! Wild stands!
Damian Lillard brings energy off the bench! This name that's buzzing infectious enthusiasm!
This game belongs to Shaquille O'Neal! This hall-of-fame lock stamping authority from downtown!
Ja Morant, this next-level player, embraces the teammates! A bench mob celebration! Sweet victory!
Duke Dennis grabs Damian Lillard and hoists him onto his shoulders. Jesser tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
My Team ends the season #10 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Duke Dennis. The man is a youtuber. Yes, you heard that right. A youtuber. On a basketball court. With their camera in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Duke Dennis had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
My Team ends the season #10 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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