Baltimore Ravens — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Baltimore Ravens | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Baltimore Ravens! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Donald Trump is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 190 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Donald Trump. The man is a film producer. A freaking film producer. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their loaded checkbook and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
93-131 (L)
Kylie Feuerbach, this rising star, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
A half-court heave by Lamar Jackson at the top of the key is way off! Tough night for this hooper's hooper!
Jack Black botches the handoff! Even their loaded checkbook exchanges go smoother!
Darth Vader gives up the easy bucket! Easier than portraying the film character!
Donald Trump mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Halftime. Jack Black throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know? Jack Black tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Donald Trump launches and misses! The ball isn't the risky picture, and it shows!
Darth Vader pulls up a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Kylie Feuerbach throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure on the low block!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Jack Black sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
Lamar Jackson lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Donald Trump holds his in. Tonight I had a revelation: Donald Trump runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
95-117 (L)
Game time! Lamar Jackson and this established player ready to put on a show at the floor!
A finger roll from Lamar Jackson hits the iron! Shaky emotions under pressure under the spotlight!
Jack Black turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
Donald Trump gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the risky picture on a rough day!
A euro-step from downtown by Lamar Jackson! This solid build with the long range!
That's a cut. Darth Vader stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Darth Vader raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Darth Vader slams the pill in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Jack Black with a wild attempt! This undisputed superstar not finding the range tonight!
Lamar Jackson explodes with purpose every possession! This legit talent chess master!
Lamar Jackson, this solid build, with tired legs under the basket! Limited stamina slowing this next-level player down!
Despite the loss, Donald Trump held their own with the risky picture! The film producer fought!
Donald Trump watches the crowd file out in silence. Jack Black prefers not to look. Did you know that Jack Black practices film producer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-123 (L)
The game begins and Darth Vader is ready! You can see insane court vision written all over her face!
Darth Vader misses the bunny! A movie actor dropping the film character from point-blank!
Stolen from Jack Black! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Jack Black fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a film producer chasing the risky picture!
Kylie Feuerbach strings together a bucket driving to the hoop. Silky smooth technique on full display!
Break! Kylie Feuerbach grabs an ice bag and slaps it on her knee. Confession: Kylie Feuerbach calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Lamar Jackson picks up the second technical! This hooper's hooper ejected! Lack of consistency!
This unknown gem Kylie Feuerbach misfires again! Shaky emotions under pressure could cost the team!
Darth Vader plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a movie actor on their best day!
Darth Vader gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a movie actor begging the film character for mercy!
Lamar Jackson, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Lamar Jackson's gaze is cold, distant. Jack Black's gaze is hot, angry. Behind the scenes, I learned Jack Black was also a film producer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
112-103 (W)
Kylie Feuerbach crosses over with energy from the opening whistle! This newcomer locked in!
Lamar Jackson rises up and fires a pull-up jumper! This do-it-all player lighting it up!
This league veteran Lamar Jackson comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
This dark horse Kylie Feuerbach connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a euro-step!
Darth Vader adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a movie actor with the film character!
Halftime! Darth Vader looks in the mirror and shakes her head. Exclusive info: Darth Vader is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This newcomer Kylie Feuerbach with a beautiful buzzer beater from way beyond the arc! Poetry in motion!
The arena buzzes for Darth Vader! A movie actor who electrifies wherever they go!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump tips it to the teammate! Freakish explosiveness on full display!
Kylie Feuerbach, this solid build, sets the tone with night-in night-out consistency! Leader!
Jack Black tallied double figures! Double the risky picture, double the glory!
Lamar Jackson and Jack Black attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Donald Trump films the whole thing. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
98-113 (L)
Darth Vader begins their shift on the hardwood! A movie actor starting the script binder shift!
The rim rejects Donald Trump! The rim says no! Even a film producer gets rejected sometimes!
This undisputed superstar Darth Vader commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Jack Black, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Ego the size of Texas!
Darth Vader, this combo guard, glides in transition for a silky two-handed slam!
Break! Darth Vader heads straight to the bathroom moment she hits the locker room. Quick anecdote about Darth Vader: apparently she eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Donald Trump can't mask the disappointment! This guy with rings on every finger wearing it on the sleeve!
Kylie Feuerbach drives but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
This who-is-this-guy player Kylie Feuerbach calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Darth Vader needs oxygen! More winded than a movie actor after overtime!
Lamar Jackson, this solid pro, takes the loss hard. Ego the size of Texas at the wrong moments.
Donald Trump collapses into the first available chair. Lamar Jackson stays standing, eyes glazed over. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-111 (L)
Darth Vader dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
This hall-of-fame lock Darth Vader rattles it out! So close yet so far at the buzzer!
Donald Trump lets fly into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
Lamar Jackson, this do-it-all player, can't keep up with the speed! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Darth Vader, this combo guard, takes over under the basket. A two-handed slam! That's elite!
Rest time. Donald Trump isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Little secret: Donald Trump has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jack Black storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
Darth Vader misses! Even a movie actor can't fix that shot!
Kylie Feuerbach makes the hockey pass! Scary good handles finding the extra pass!
Donald Trump gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from greenlighting the risky picture and hooping!
Darth Vader hangs their head! A movie actor who gave everything they had!
Donald Trump has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Jack Black has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
78-123 (L)
Kylie Feuerbach, this who-is-this-guy player, embraces the roaring arena! Game on!
Donald Trump dribbles the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Sometimes predictable game!
Darth Vader throws it away! A pass worse than a movie actor tossing the film character!
Donald Trump gets crossed over! This absolute legend left frozen at the top of the key!
Jack Black stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
The players leave the court. Donald Trump clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Donald Trump plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Donald Trump puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their loaded checkbook can save that!
Jack Black powers through! The film producer in them won't quit on the risky picture!
Lamar Jackson, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass at the buzzer!
Jack Black gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Darth Vader wipes a tear! A movie actor who poured everything into the effort!
Darth Vader lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Lamar Jackson holds his in. I learned that Darth Vader's father was a film producer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
77-121 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Darth Vader comes out firing! A half-court heave in the first minute!
Lamar Jackson fades away the basketball into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Lamar Jackson tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
Darth Vader gets blown by! Even a movie actor couldn't stop that!
Jack Black drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
Players head to the locker room. Jack Black has tape on three fingers. Staff confession: Jack Black is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Donald Trump bricks another one! Building something awful with their loaded checkbook tonight!
Jack Black, this guy with rings on every finger, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This household name Donald Trump with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Darth Vader walks away muttering! Muttering about the film character under their breath!
Jack Black refuses to make excuses! A film producer owns the risky picture failures too!
Darth Vader sits on the floor in the hallway. Donald Trump sits down next to her. Nobody speaks. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-124 (L)
Kylie Feuerbach fires up the crowd to open the game! This dark horse starting strong!
Kylie Feuerbach, this solid build, wastes a golden chance with a wild off-balance shot!
Lamar Jackson charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Kylie Feuerbach, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
Lamar Jackson, this player on the come-up, drops a floater in transition! Pure artistry!
Break. Jack Black collapses next to the vending machine. Confession: Jack Black tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This undisputed superstar Darth Vader can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Darth Vader bricks it! Not the same accuracy as portraying the film character!
Kylie Feuerbach, this tweener, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Insane court vision!
Kylie Feuerbach attacks but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!
Kylie Feuerbach, this who-is-this-guy player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Lamar Jackson refuses the coach's embrace. Kylie Feuerbach accepts it but her body is stiff. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
113-104 (W)
Kylie Feuerbach, this solid build, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
Darth Vader knocks it down! Solid as a movie actor with the script binder in hand!
Darth Vader pokes it away! Quick fingers from portraying the film character!
Jack Black with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Natural-born leadership on that one!
Kylie Feuerbach reads the defense perfectly! Natural-born leadership and a sky-high basketball IQ!
The locker room. Darth Vader sprawls out full-length on the bench. Bus driver's confession: Darth Vader raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Darth Vader finishes with authority! A sky hook in the paint!
Lamar Jackson shoots to an eruption! Wild stands! What a moment!
Donald Trump sets the perfect screen! Built like a film producer who doesn't skip leg day!
The movie actor identity fuels Darth Vader. The script binder taught them everything about pressure!
Darth Vader pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This first-ballot legend savors the win!
Donald Trump and Kylie Feuerbach do celebratory push-ups. Darth Vader counts out loud. Definitely cheating. I learned that Donald Trump's father was a film producer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-113 (L)
Donald Trump announces themselves! The film producer has arrived and the building knows it!
Lamar Jackson, this respected competitor, comes up empty! A thunderous slam off target at the buzzer!
Lamar Jackson, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
Darth Vader beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the film character slipping from a movie actor!
Donald Trump scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the film producer knows geometry!
Halftime whistle. Donald Trump flops into the first available chair. Confession: Donald Trump calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Jack Black steps back the towel! This hall-of-fame lock showing ego the size of Texas!
Donald Trump fires a brick from the right corner! Way off, even for a film producer!
This undisputed superstar Darth Vader runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Jack Black misses from fatigue! Tired arms from greenlighting the risky picture all week!
This hidden prospect Kylie Feuerbach shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Kylie Feuerbach kicks her towel across the floor. Lamar Jackson has already left for the locker room, alone. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-133 (L)
Darth Vader sets the tone early! The movie actor came to play tonight!
Donald Trump lets fly but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Kylie Feuerbach passes to nobody! This surprise package with a head-scratching decision!
This league veteran Lamar Jackson picks up the cheap foul! Limited stamina showing!
Darth Vader looks to the heavens! A movie actor praying for the script binder to work!
Break time. Kylie Feuerbach bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Kylie Feuerbach keeps a photo of her dog in her right shoe? It's a Bichon. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This unknown gem Kylie Feuerbach misses the mark! A layup goes begging facing the rim!
Donald Trump short-arms the shot from fatigue! This guy with rings on every finger has nothing left!
Jack Black, this do-it-all player, gets stripped at half court! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
This raw talent Kylie Feuerbach stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Lamar Jackson reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Kylie Feuerbach sits down on the hardwood, head on her knees. Lamar Jackson puts a hand on her shoulder without saying a word. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-111 (L)
Jack Black checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, gets the look from the right corner but the lid's on the rim!
This basketball god Jack Black dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jack Black gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the risky picture behind their loaded checkbook!
Kylie Feuerbach, this diamond in the rough, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
The players head in. Donald Trump slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know? Donald Trump launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jack Black rattles it out! Shaking the floor with their loaded checkbook intensity!
Donald Trump is gassed! More tired than after a full day of greenlighting the risky picture!
Darth Vader coughs it up! A movie actor's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Lamar Jackson rises up away from the huddle! This solid pro in a dark place mentally!
Jack Black packs up and heads out! Packing their loaded checkbook, unpacking emotions!
Lamar Jackson replays the score in his head on a loop. Kylie Feuerbach tries to think about something else. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-114 (L)
Darth Vader, this franchise cornerstone, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Darth Vader with the ugly miss! The movie actor touch is absent tonight!
Darth Vader dribbles it off their foot! The script binder would never betray a movie actor like that!
Kylie Feuerbach scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Lack of consistency!
Darth Vader converts with authority! Same energy they bring to portraying the film character!
Back to the locker room. Kylie Feuerbach punches her locker. Fun fact: Kylie Feuerbach blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Donald Trump glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this film producer!
Jack Black misfires on the floater! Too much float, the film producer touch abandoned them!
Darth Vader calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's movie actor mentality!
This potential breakout star Kylie Feuerbach has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Darth Vader walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to movie actor life tomorrow!
Jack Black's eyes are red, jaw tight. Kylie Feuerbach apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
96-127 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Kylie Feuerbach in the starting lineup! Let's see what this who-is-this-guy player brings!
Darth Vader fires and misses from under the basket. Should have stuck with the film character!
Darth Vader turns it over in the free-throw line! Butterfingers from this movie actor!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Darth Vader with the crafty devastating dunk! Pure God-given talent on display!
The players file out. Kylie Feuerbach exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Kylie Feuerbach lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Kylie Feuerbach mutters to herself walking back! This unknown gem fighting inner demons!
Lamar Jackson, this smooth operator, can't finish from way beyond the arc! That one stings!
Jack Black finds the angle! The angle film producer uses for the risky picture!
Donald Trump grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
Darth Vader walks off in defeat! Even a movie actor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jack Black bites his lip, fists clenched. Donald Trump shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Baltimore Ravens finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Baltimore Ravens!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Donald Trump is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 190 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Donald Trump. The man is a film producer. A freaking film producer. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their loaded checkbook and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Baltimore Ravens finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
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