My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 218 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Jesus Christ. The man is a messiah. A freaking messiah. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with bare hands and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-125 (L)
This potential GOAT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the starting lineup! Let's see what this potential GOAT brings!
Jesus Christ misfires in transition! Even this global icon has off nights!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar steps back away from the huddle! This hall-of-fame lock in a dark place mentally!
The locker room fills up. Jesus Christ has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Jesus Christ was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, looks exhausted back to the basket! The legs are gone!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this tower, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Jesus Christ pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The messiah in them is showing!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!
Jesus Christ collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
108-113 (L)
Jesus Christ starts in the rim protector! Playing the rim protector the way a messiah plays with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ goes baseline and scores! The game prepared them for this moment!
Jesus Christ gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a messiah's worst day on the job!
Jesus Christ fires a brick off the pick and roll! Way off, even for a messiah!
Jesus Christ orchestrates the miracle comeback! Miraculous as a messiah saving their bare hands!
Time to breathe. Jesus Christ has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Rumor has it Jesus Christ has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ misfires on the potential dagger! This once-in-a-lifetime player lets them off the hook!
Jesus Christ mutters to himself walking back! This undisputed superstar fighting inner demons!
Jesus Christ dedicates this game to the game and every messiah who believed!
This household name Jesus Christ gets the look but can't convert! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Jesus Christ walks off in silence. This undisputed superstar gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jesus Christ hides his eyes under a towel. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
100-111 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Jesus Christ denied by the basket! Even a messiah can't pry it open!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over defense that's basically a suggestion!
Jesus Christ dishes and fires a buzzer-beater! This versatile guy lighting it up!
Rest. Jesus Christ buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little secret: Jesus Christ listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this oversized freak, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar air-mails a buzzer beater in the paint! Way off for this franchise cornerstone!
Jesus Christ triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with messiah urgency!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jesus Christ watches it and immediately regrets it. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
95-96 (L)
Jesus Christ huddles with the team! Huddling up, the messiah strategizes!
What a play by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! A floater at the top of the key! This absolute legend is cooking!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
Jesus Christ just barely misses! Close as a messiah getting the game almost right!
This generational talent Jesus Christ refuses to accept defeat! A two-handed slam keeps hope alive!
Well-deserved break. Jesus Christ looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little scoop: Jesus Christ collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Jesus Christ throws it away in the second quarter! A messiah wasting their bare hands at the worst time!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
This global icon Jesus Christ has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Pure God-given talent!
Jesus Christ turns it over at the last second! Worst time to drop the basketball!
Jesus Christ wipes a tear! A messiah who poured everything into the effort!
Jesus Christ bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
112-111 (W)
Jesus Christ opens with an and-one! This global icon making an early statement!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the huge charge taken back to the basket! This all-time great says no!
Jesus Christ can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The damn ball through the hoop, nope!
Jesus Christ turns the high post into a workshop. A floater crafted with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ executes the delay! Patient as a messiah waiting for their bare hands results!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this certified GOAT candidate, with a vintage performance in overtime! That dawg mentality!
Jesus Christ with the defensive masterclass! A messiah teaching everyone a lesson!
Deafening noise! Jesus Christ spins and the building shakes!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar breaks the tie! A step-back three! This first-ballot legend wants to be the hero!
Jesus Christ launches into the tunnel with the W! This absolute legend all smiles!
Jesus Christ runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-110 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A tear drop! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ takes off the leather into the front rim! That's frustrating for this franchise cornerstone!
This guy with rings on every finger Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Jesus Christ beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a messiah!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar attacks past everyone for a reverse layup! This tree of a man on a mission!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jesus Christ walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? Jesus Christ tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this guy with rings on every finger, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!
Brick! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar misfires from the right corner! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Jesus Christ positions perfectly in beyond the arc! Placement of their bare hands on the game!
Jesus Christ misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
This living legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Jesus Christ stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar comes back to get him. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-131 (L)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ penetrates and fires but misses everything! Defense that's basically a suggestion tonight!
Jesus Christ double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Jesus Christ is visibly upset! Upset as a messiah when the game goes sideways!
Back in the locker room, Jesus Christ sits down and stares at the ceiling. I've been told Jesus Christ always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
A half-court heave by Jesus Christ along the baseline is way off! Tough night for this generational talent!
This potential GOAT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jesus Christ mouths off in the dying seconds! A messiah venting about the game!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Jesus Christ whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Jesus Christ nods without conviction. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-103 (L)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified GOAT candidate!
Jesus Christ scores again! When you're a messiah by trade, the Spalding is child's play!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
Jesus Christ can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this franchise cornerstone!
Jesus Christ with the momentum-shifting play! The willpower of a messiah right there!
Cut! Halftime. Jesus Christ's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Jesus Christ threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this undisputed superstar, delivers a moment of truth! Wisdom and poise!
Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, misses the potential game-winner! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ shakes hands through the pain! A messiah who respects their bare hands and the game!
Jesus Christ sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
80-124 (L)
The gym welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, can't get a fadeaway jumper to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Jesus Christ gets crossed over! This undisputed superstar left frozen along the baseline!
This household name Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime whistle! Jesus Christ grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
A reverse layup from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking off the pick and roll!
Jesus Christ can't get lift! Legs heavy as their bare hands after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ with turnover number lengths ahead! Defense that's basically a suggestion is piling up!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this absolute legend wanted.
Jesus Christ's gaze is cold, distant. Jesus Christ's gaze is hot, angry. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
73-118 (L)
Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!
Jesus Christ misses the bunny! A messiah dropping the game from point-blank!
Jesus Christ turns it over at after a timeout! A messiah dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Ego the size of Texas around the picks!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar drops the head after another miss! Lack of consistency sapping the confidence!
Heading in. Jesus Christ's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Jesus Christ got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Jesus Christ forces a bad bank shot! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to trust teammates!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this mammoth, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jesus Christ fidgets with his wristband nervously. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-124 (L)
Jesus Christ fires up the crowd to open the game! This first-ballot legend starting strong!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, with the shot-clock heave! No good off the pick and roll!
Jesus Christ trips up in the three-point line! A messiah never trips at work... Right?
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jesus Christ slams the pill in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ high-fives his teammates on the way out. They say Jesus Christ has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
The rim rejects Jesus Christ! The rim says no! Even a messiah gets rejected sometimes!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 4 periods of 12 minutes!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar coughs up the pill! Lack of consistency strikes again at half court!
This guy with rings on every finger Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jesus Christ leaves the court quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-124 (L)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar steps back into position! This undisputed superstar not wasting any time!
Jesus Christ clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Jesus Christ fires away into a trap! Hot head when reading the defense!
Jesus Christ gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ does it again! A scoop layup with effortless precision!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jesus Christ dribbles the towel! This undisputed superstar showing injury-prone body!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Jesus Christ schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true messiah!
Jesus Christ is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Jesus Christ walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-114 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Jesus Christ shanks it from the corner! Competing the game uses different muscles!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the left corner!
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ with a rare miss from downtown! Even the best stumble!
This living legend Jesus Christ signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this tower, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an off-the-charts basketball IQ effort.
Jesus Christ stares at the floor while Jesus Christ mutters something inaudible under his breath. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-134 (L)
This generational talent Jesus Christ comes out aggressive! Opens with a layup driving to the hoop!
A buzzer beater from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar spins into a dead end under the basket! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
This household name Jesus Christ commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the ball frustration!
Back in the locker room, Jesus Christ sits down and stares at the ceiling. The staff told me Jesus Christ sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Jesus Christ misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Jesus Christ is clearly fatigued! The allotted time of this plus the allotted time of competing the game!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this big fella, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Jesus Christ buries their face! Hidden from view, the messiah can't watch!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesus Christ lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Jesus Christ. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-131 (L)
Jesus Christ rises up with energy from the opening whistle! This once-in-a-lifetime player locked in!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, comes up empty! A step-back three off target from downtown!
Jesus Christ charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets caught flat-footed! This absolute legend beaten to the spot!
Jesus Christ tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the messiah will bounce back!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Jesus Christ got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jesus Christ fires a double-clutch layup from the right corner but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Jesus Christ can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of competing the game!
Jesus Christ loses the rock! A messiah would never be this careless!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ chews his nails on the bench. Jesus Christ stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Season journal
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