The Iranian team — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | The Iranian team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The Iranian team! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Stephen Curry. The man. The beast. Standing at 188 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Osama bin Laden. The man is a civil engineer. Yes, you heard that right. A civil engineer. On a basketball court. With theodolite in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Osama bin Laden had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Ali Khamenei heaves and misses! Should have heaved the public policy instead!
Osama bin Laden loses the pill! A civil engineer would never be this careless!
Mahatma Gandhi gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Osama bin Laden shakes their head! A civil engineer who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime. Ali Khamenei throws his towel on the floor walking in. Confession: Ali Khamenei calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Ali Khamenei gets a clean look but sometimes predictable game costs the bucket!
Mother Teresa gulps water! As thirsty as a missionary reaching for the sacred word!
Osama bin Laden with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost civil engineer!
Ali Khamenei stares in disbelief! The look of a politician who just lost everything!
Stephen Curry reflects on what could have been. Tendency to rush the difference tonight.
Mother Teresa turns back to look at the court one last time. Osama bin Laden doesn't turn around. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
84-116 (L)
Mother Teresa, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! A killer instinct from the jump!
Ali Khamenei launches a catch-and-shoot triple and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Osama bin Laden coughs it up! A civil engineer's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Ali Khamenei fouls reaching in! Occasional mental lapses on defense!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Osama bin Laden slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime! Mother Teresa looks in the mirror and shakes her head. True story: Mother Teresa walked into the wrong locker room during her first game against Miami Heart-Attack. Awkward. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This guy with rings on every finger Mother Teresa shanks an and-one in the paint! That's uncharacteristic!
Mahatma Gandhi is cramping up! This once-in-a-lifetime player trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Stephen Curry with the lazy pass! Limited stamina leading to easy points!
Osama bin Laden, this undisputed superstar, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Mahatma Gandhi stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Osama bin Laden exhales. Again. And again. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-99 (W)
Stephen Curry spins onto the floor! The crowd roars for this established star!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, alters the shot! An unmatched feel for the game at the rim!
Stephen Curry with the off-balance fadeaway jumper! This reliable star couldn't set the feet!
Ali Khamenei scores the go-ahead! A politician who always finishes the job on time!
Ali Khamenei makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true politician!
Break! Ali Khamenei heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Confession: Ali Khamenei calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This all-time great Ali Khamenei converts the free throws under pressure! Pure God-given talent under pressure!
Mahatma Gandhi forces the bad shot! Their bare hands intimidation factor!
What an immense pressure! Osama bin Laden and the fans creating a spectacle!
Stephen Curry tips in the rebound for an alley-oop! All hustle, all heart!
It's over! Ali Khamenei delivers the goods! This first-ballot legend walks off a winner!
Osama bin Laden and Mother Teresa play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Osama bin Laden loses. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-92 (W)
Mahatma Gandhi huddles with the team! Huddling up, the revolutionary strategizes!
Osama bin Laden goes baseline and scores! The river gorge prepared them for this moment!
Osama bin Laden times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A surgical steal along the baseline!
Mother Teresa with the lob pass from the right corner! This basketball god to the teammate! Boom!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, orchestrates the delay game! An off-the-charts basketball IQ in action!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Stephen Curry plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This undisputed superstar Osama bin Laden is automatic from the left corner! A tear drop drops again!
The road crowd tries to rally but Osama bin Laden silences them! Wild stands!
Osama bin Laden plays their role perfectly! Role player, role civil engineer with the theodolite!
Ali Khamenei overcomes the early struggles! This undisputed superstar rising like a phoenix!
Ali Khamenei owns the night! Owner of the temple of basketball and the public policy alike!
Mahatma Gandhi blows a kiss to the camera. Osama bin Laden blows twelve. Stephen Curry blocks the lens. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
93-102 (L)
The arena welcomes Osama bin Laden! The civil engineer with the river gorge has arrived!
Mother Teresa launches and misses! The ball isn't the sacred word, and it shows!
Mother Teresa with the backcourt violation! A missionary going backwards with the sacred word!
Mahatma Gandhi, this scrappy guard, gets dunked on from the right corner! Poster material!
Ali Khamenei, this living legend, drops an off-balance shot at half court! Pure artistry!
Coach calls everyone back. Mother Teresa drags her feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote of the day: Mother Teresa forgot her shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Mahatma Gandhi waves off the play! The authority of a revolutionary in that gesture!
A pull-up jumper attempt by Stephen Curry falls short! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Osama bin Laden makes the hockey pass! Silky smooth technique finding the extra pass!
Mahatma Gandhi dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
Mother Teresa vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their worn bible reinforced with the sacred word!
Mahatma Gandhi refuses Phoenix No-Defense's handshake. Mother Teresa offers a limp one with just her fingertips. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-114 (L)
Osama bin Laden, this long boy, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!
Mahatma Gandhi skips it off the rim! The game has better hop than that!
Mother Teresa coughs up the orange! Sometimes predictable game strikes again from downtown!
Mother Teresa can't contain the drive! Spreading the sacred word is more containable!
Osama bin Laden drills it driving to the hoop! That civil engineer precision with the theodolite pays off!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry punches his locker. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Curry raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Osama bin Laden buries their face! Hidden from view, the civil engineer can't watch!
Mahatma Gandhi just barely misses! Close as a revolutionary getting the game almost right!
Ali Khamenei positions perfectly in the left wing! Placement of their campaign podium on the public policy!
Mother Teresa soldiers on! The soldier who spreads the sacred word with their worn bible!
Stephen Curry lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This top-tier talent will learn from this.
Osama bin Laden pulls his cap down over his eyes. Stephen Curry doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-113 (L)
Ali Khamenei opens with a reverse layup! This potential GOAT making an early statement!
This certified GOAT candidate Mahatma Gandhi puts up a devastating dunk but it won't fall! Off night!
Ali Khamenei loses possession! The public policy never leaves a politician's hands like that!
Mahatma Gandhi gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Mahatma Gandhi spins and scores! Pivoting like they pivot with their bare hands at work!
Heading in. Osama bin Laden's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little secret: Osama bin Laden has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Stephen Curry picks up the second technical! This certified bucket ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Mahatma Gandhi misses! Even a revolutionary can't fix that shot!
Mother Teresa reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this missionary!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Ali Khamenei launches past the media. This hall-of-fame lock not in the mood to talk.
Ali Khamenei stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
109-96 (W)
And we're underway! Stephen Curry touches the rock first! This guy everybody knows looks eager!
Stephen Curry with the crafty alley-oop! Scary good handles on display!
Ali Khamenei forces the step-out-of-bounds! This franchise cornerstone hawking the ball!
Mother Teresa threads the needle! Precision of their worn bible through the sacred word!
Ali Khamenei sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a politician at work!
Cut! Halftime. Osama bin Laden's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Osama bin Laden keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Stephen Curry shoots the Wilson with flair and hits a euro-step! Sensational!
This undisputed superstar Mahatma Gandhi acknowledges the fans! A Finals-like atmosphere of mutual respect!
Mahatma Gandhi, this little guy, holds the team together with natural-born leadership! Captain!
Mahatma Gandhi bridges two worlds: the game and a devastating dunk, bound by passion!
Mahatma Gandhi talks to reporters! Explaining the orange like explaining the game!
Mahatma Gandhi and Ali Khamenei chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
106-108 (L)
Mahatma Gandhi checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Ali Khamenei handles the rock like their campaign podium. A layup from the right corner! The precision of a politician!
This absolute legend Mother Teresa gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
A fadeaway jumper from Stephen Curry goes in and out! Heartbreaking in the paint!
Osama bin Laden sparks the comeback! The civil engineer fire from the theodolite ignites the palace of hoops!
Halftime whistle! Stephen Curry slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it Stephen Curry tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Mother Teresa airballs the potential winner! Spreading the sacred word is easier than this!
This franchise cornerstone Mahatma Gandhi stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Ali Khamenei, this combo guard, sets the tone with ridiculous creativity! Leader!
Osama bin Laden misfires on the potential dagger! This living legend lets them off the hook!
This reliable star Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this reliable star.
Stephen Curry walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Mother Teresa speeds up. Wants it to be over. I learned backstage that Mother Teresa also does missionary on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
80-125 (L)
Mother Teresa announces themselves! The missionary has arrived and the building knows it!
This global icon Ali Khamenei rattles it out! So close yet so far from the left corner!
Mahatma Gandhi throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the revolutionary got too confident!
Mahatma Gandhi gets posterized! A revolutionary framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Stephen Curry slams the pill in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Halftime. Stephen Curry's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Stephen Curry has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
That one wasn't even close, Osama bin Laden! Stick to bridging the river gorge!
Ali Khamenei is gassed! This global icon bent over at half court! Hot head catching up!
Mahatma Gandhi trips up in the center circle! A revolutionary never trips at work... Right?
Ali Khamenei fires away and kicks the stanchion! This first-ballot legend losing composure!
Mahatma Gandhi walks off in defeat! Even a revolutionary's skills couldn't save tonight!
Mahatma Gandhi scratches the back of his neck nervously. Stephen Curry has the look of someone who has seen things. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-122 (L)
Osama bin Laden wins the opening tip! Tipping off with civil engineer energy!
Ali Khamenei misses the open look! A politician never misses the public policy... But misses the rock!
This established star Stephen Curry dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Mahatma Gandhi caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Mahatma Gandhi drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a revolutionary's spirit has limits!
Break! Mother Teresa rips her shoes off the second she reaches the locker room. Intel: Mother Teresa asked New York Over-Timers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Mother Teresa forces a bad reverse layup! This guy with rings on every finger needs to trust teammates!
Mother Teresa tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a missionary's energy for the sacred word!
Stolen from Ali Khamenei! A politician who let it slip through their fingers!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Mahatma Gandhi absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a revolutionary knows tough days!
Stephen Curry shakes Mahatma Gandhi's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-125 (L)
Ali Khamenei sets the tone early! The politician came to play tonight!
Mother Teresa misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Mahatma Gandhi gets picked! A revolutionary getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Mother Teresa reacts too late to rotate! Sometimes predictable game on the help side!
Ali Khamenei glares at the scoreboard! This first-ballot legend not happy with the situation!
End of the first act. Ali Khamenei is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Ali Khamenei has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Mother Teresa fires and misses facing the rim. Should have stuck with the sacred word!
Osama bin Laden plays through exhaustion! The endurance of bridging the river gorge daily!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Ali Khamenei mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Mother Teresa fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the missionary gave everything!
Ali Khamenei bites the inside of his cheek. Mahatma Gandhi pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-128 (L)
This reliable star Stephen Curry in the starting lineup! Let's see what this reliable star brings!
Mother Teresa, this smooth operator, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
Mother Teresa launches into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Heavy feet!
Mahatma Gandhi gets blown by! Even a revolutionary couldn't stop that!
Mother Teresa glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this missionary!
Cut! Halftime. Stephen Curry's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know? Stephen Curry once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Mother Teresa sends it wide! Their worn bible wouldn't forgive that either!
Mahatma Gandhi finds a second wind! The revolutionary engine roars back to life!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry with turnover number buckets! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
Mahatma Gandhi pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The revolutionary in them is showing!
Ali Khamenei walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to politician life tomorrow!
Stephen Curry mutters while walking out. Mother Teresa watches from the corner of her eye, worried. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-131 (L)
Ali Khamenei takes the court to a cathedral silence! The politician with their campaign podium is here!
Stephen Curry rises up but overcooks it! Shaky emotions under pressure showing up again!
Intercepted! Mother Teresa's pass snatched right out of the air! A missionary would never be that careless!
Mother Teresa gets crossed over! This first-ballot legend left frozen off the pick and roll!
Mahatma Gandhi penetrates away from the huddle! This generational talent in a dark place mentally!
Both teams head to the locker room. Osama bin Laden wipes his forehead with his jersey. Bus driver's confession: Osama bin Laden raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This absolute legend Ali Khamenei muscles up a bank shot but can't get it to fall!
Ali Khamenei is running on fumes! The politician tank is completely empty!
Mahatma Gandhi, this pint-sized baller, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Despite the loss, Mahatma Gandhi held their own with the game! The revolutionary fought!
Mahatma Gandhi bites the inside of his cheek. Osama bin Laden pinches the bridge of his nose. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-129 (L)
Stephen Curry, this multi-time All-Star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Osama bin Laden can't connect! The theodolite in hand, sure. The Spalding through the hoop, nope!
This generational talent Osama bin Laden loses concentration and the rock with it!
Mother Teresa caught flat-footed! Standing still, the missionary reflexes took a nap!
Ali Khamenei walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
Halftime! Mahatma Gandhi is limping slightly heading off the court. Bus driver's confession: Mahatma Gandhi raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This living legend Mother Teresa misfires again! Defense that's basically a suggestion could cost the team!
Ali Khamenei stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a politician over the public policy!
Stephen Curry drives the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this bonafide star!
Ali Khamenei gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Mahatma Gandhi gave it everything! Everything a revolutionary has, left on the court!
Osama bin Laden looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Mahatma Gandhi looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
The Iranian team finishes #13 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Stephen Curry.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The Iranian team!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Stephen Curry. The man. The beast. Standing at 188 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Osama bin Laden. The man is a civil engineer. Yes, you heard that right. A civil engineer. On a basketball court. With theodolite in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Osama bin Laden had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
The Iranian team finishes #13 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Stephen Curry.
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