special forces — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | special forces | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Special forces! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Donald Trump. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 190 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Joe Biden. A university professor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a university professor, with their lecture notes, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Joe Biden has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the young scholars with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-121 (L)
Donald Trump begins their shift on the arena! A film producer starting the their loaded checkbook shift!
Stephen Hawking misses! Even a university professor can't fix that shot!
Adolf Hitler throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!
Kim Jong-un, this undersized dog, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. Adolf Hitler wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden whiffs on a bucket! The crowd groans!
Kim Jong-un gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a politician begging the public policy for mercy!
Kim Jong-un charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Kim Jong-un argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to shaping the public policy!
Joe Biden, this all-time great, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Donald Trump refuses Detroit Engine-Roar's handshake. Stephen Hawking offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Behind the scenes, I learned Stephen Hawking was also a politician in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
100-105 (L)
Joe Biden takes the court to an electric crowd! The university professor with their lecture notes is here!
Donald Trump converts the and-one! Tough as greenlighting the risky picture all day!
Kim Jong-un gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Joe Biden misfires off the pick and roll! Even this living legend has off nights!
Kim Jong-un with the momentum-shifting bucket! This certified GOAT candidate turning the tide!
Halftime. Kim Jong-un is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know? Kim Jong-un launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Donald Trump dunks and bricks it! Tendency to rush in the second quarter!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
The crowd chants for Stephen Hawking! The university professor who became a legend at the gymnasium!
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, forces a bad shot in the extra period! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Donald Trump shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Adolf Hitler's eyes are red, jaw tight. Kim Jong-un apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned backstage that Kim Jong-un also does politician on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-128 (L)
Joe Biden, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
Adolf Hitler dishes but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
Adolf Hitler with the careless pass! Defending the front line with more care, please!
Donald Trump loses the battle in the paint! Being a film producer doesn't help you here!
Joe Biden buries their face! Hidden from view, the university professor can't watch!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Little scoop: Adolf Hitler collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Kim Jong-un sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this politician!
Stephen Hawking calls for the sub! Even a university professor's stamina with their lecture notes has limits!
Kim Jong-un trips up in the top of the key! A politician never trips at work... Right?
Kim Jong-un tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the politician will bounce back!
This basketball god Joe Biden stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this basketball god wanted.
Kim Jong-un leaves the court at a jog. Donald Trump stays there, planted at center court, motionless. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
99-111 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Stephen Hawking comes out firing! A buzzer-beater in the first minute!
Donald Trump, this combo guard, bobbles the rock and the chance evaporates from mid-range!
Intercepted! Adolf Hitler's pass snatched right out of the air! A soldier would never be that careless!
Joe Biden beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the young scholars slipping from a university professor!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, rises above and hammers a pull-up jumper!
Halftime! Donald Trump has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Rumor has it Donald Trump has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Joe Biden, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
Donald Trump clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their loaded checkbook hitting the risky picture!
This absolute legend Donald Trump runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Kim Jong-un, this global icon, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Donald Trump chews his nails on the bench. Kim Jong-un stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-122 (L)
This first-ballot legend Kim Jong-un opens the scoring! A layup! Early advantage!
The rim rejects Stephen Hawking! The rim says no! Even a university professor gets rejected sometimes!
This living legend Kim Jong-un commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Donald Trump beaten to the spot! Slower than a film producer on a Monday morning!
Donald Trump slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Physio's confession: Stephen Hawking purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kim Jong-un, this little guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Stephen Hawking, this swiss-army-knife type, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Joe Biden with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking throws their hands up! Like a university professor when their lecture notes breaks!
Adolf Hitler looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a soldier!
Stephen Hawking sits on the floor in the hallway. Joe Biden sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
109-105 (W)
The game begins and Adolf Hitler is ready! You can see natural-born leadership written all over his face!
This potential GOAT Kim Jong-un reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Kim Jong-un, this undisputed superstar, comes up empty! A two-handed slam off target facing the rim!
Joe Biden blows past the leather with flair and hits a deep three! Sensational!
Joe Biden exploits the soft spot in the three-point line! Soft as the young scholars under their lecture notes!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Donald Trump asks for an ice pack. Anecdote of the day: Donald Trump forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Kim Jong-un makes the crucial stop! Plugging the leak, that's what a politician does!
Donald Trump with the chase-down charge taken! Running like a film producer chasing the risky picture!
A cathedral silence as Donald Trump warms up with some film producer moves!
This all-time great Kim Jong-un won't let the team lose! A buzzer beater in the third quarter!
Adolf Hitler reflects on the game! The thoughtful reflection of a soldier after a big day!
Kim Jong-un gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Donald Trump gives his shoes. Stephen Hawking gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Evening confession: I'm wearing Kim Jong-un's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-106 (L)
And we're underway! Kim Jong-un touches the Wilson first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
Donald Trump misses the free throw! Greenlighting the risky picture under pressure is easier!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! A film producer going backwards with the risky picture!
Adolf Hitler loses their assignment! Like losing their service rifle in the workshop!
Donald Trump muscles through for a buzzer beater! The strength of a film producer moving the risky picture!
The locker room. Joe Biden sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Joe Biden failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Stephen Hawking vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
Joe Biden, this undisputed superstar, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Stephen Hawking draws the double team! Attracting attention, the university professor is a magnet out there!
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump can't close out! The legs are shot from way beyond the arc!
Donald Trump hangs their head! A film producer who gave everything they had!
Kim Jong-un isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Adolf Hitler tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
82-126 (L)
Joe Biden huddles with the team! Huddling up, the university professor strategizes!
Adolf Hitler throws up a clunker! Their service rifle would weep at that trajectory!
Stephen Hawking throws it into the stands! What was that from this global icon!
Kim Jong-un gets screened out of the play! This franchise cornerstone lost in traffic!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Time to breathe. Donald Trump has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Donald Trump once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Adolf Hitler misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their service rifle at the front line!
Adolf Hitler needs oxygen! More winded than a soldier after overtime!
Joe Biden, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Kim Jong-un slams the ball in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Donald Trump takes the loss hard! Hard as the risky picture on a bad film producer day!
Kim Jong-un's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Stephen Hawking hides his eyes under a towel. Behind the scenes, I learned Stephen Hawking was also a politician in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
91-125 (L)
Kim Jong-un sets the tone early! The politician came to play tonight!
Donald Trump misses the open look! A film producer never misses the risky picture... But misses the Wilson!
Donald Trump, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the ball!
This absolute legend Donald Trump fouls reaching in! Sometimes predictable game on defense!
This absolute legend Joe Biden slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break! Stephen Hawking has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Brick! Stephen Hawking misfires at the buzzer! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Stephen Hawking, this basketball god, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Donald Trump gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
Stephen Hawking stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
Stephen Hawking tips the cap to the winners! The university professor's grace with the young scholars!
Donald Trump's gaze is cold, distant. Kim Jong-un's gaze is hot, angry. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
110-109 (W)
Game time! Adolf Hitler and this absolute legend ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
Adolf Hitler a left-handed block with authority! This little firecracker protecting the paint!
Joe Biden misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Stephen Hawking converts from mid-range! A double-clutch layup with trademark eyes in the back of the head!
This hall-of-fame lock Joe Biden attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Players head to the locker room. Stephen Hawking has tape on three fingers. Little scoop: Stephen Hawking logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This first-ballot legend Donald Trump with the monster iron-wall defense during crunch time! Saved the game!
Donald Trump strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
The PA announcer can't pronounce Adolf Hitler's their service rifle! Comedy at the court!
Adolf Hitler refuses to lose! A soldier who never accepts failure!
It's over! Stephen Hawking delivers the goods! This first-ballot legend walks off a winner!
Kim Jong-un and Stephen Hawking pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. I learned backstage that Stephen Hawking also does politician on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-111 (L)
Adolf Hitler attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this franchise cornerstone!
Kim Jong-un can't find the range! Their campaign podium has better accuracy than that!
Sloppy handling by Adolf Hitler! Defending the front line is done with more finesse!
Joe Biden gets blown by! Even a university professor couldn't stop that!
Kim Jong-un scores with iron discipline. A euro-step on the low block! Too smooth!
End of the first act. Kim Jong-un is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Exclusive: Kim Jong-un was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Adolf Hitler mouths off at after a timeout! A soldier venting about the front line!
Donald Trump can't hit from the paint! That zone is cursed for this film producer!
Joe Biden, this household name, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Kim Jong-un, this scrappy guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Joe Biden sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
Adolf Hitler stares at the floor while Stephen Hawking mutters something inaudible under his breath. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-124 (L)
Adolf Hitler bounces the leather pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Adolf Hitler misses the open look! This household name can't believe it! Heavy feet!
Donald Trump botches the handoff! Even their loaded checkbook exchanges go smoother!
Adolf Hitler gives up the easy bucket! Easier than defending the front line!
Adolf Hitler gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Rest. Stephen Hawking buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Kim Jong-un can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the public policy, a politician always hits!
Kim Jong-un is cramping up! This household name trying to shake it off! Sometimes predictable game!
Turnover by Adolf Hitler! Defending the front line requires less coordination, clearly!
Kim Jong-un posts up the towel! This generational talent showing lack of consistency!
Joe Biden sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a university professor after their lecture notes broke!
Joe Biden looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Donald Trump looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-121 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this potential GOAT, draws first blood! A deep three to start!
Joe Biden launches and misses! The ball isn't the young scholars, and it shows!
Kim Jong-un dunks into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
Stephen Hawking lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this basketball god fooled!
Adolf Hitler looks to the heavens! A soldier praying for their service rifle to work!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Donald Trump asks for an ice pack. Did you know Donald Trump knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Boston Ring-Chasers's colors. By accident, obviously. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Stephen Hawking, this franchise cornerstone, fumbles the finish in transition! Back to the drawing board!
Stephen Hawking wipes sweat with the arm sleeve! Drenched, the university professor has been putting in work!
Kim Jong-un loses the basketball! A politician would never be this careless!
Stephen Hawking, this hall-of-fame lock, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
Adolf Hitler walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to soldier life tomorrow!
Donald Trump unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Adolf Hitler runs a hand down his face. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-114 (L)
Donald Trump announces themselves! The film producer has arrived and the building knows it!
Adolf Hitler misses at the buzzer! A soldier who missed the deadline!
This all-time great Adolf Hitler dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Joe Biden loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
Joe Biden drops a fadeaway jumper from the baseline! Range that would impress any university professor!
Halftime. Joe Biden glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Joe Biden has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kim Jong-un can't hide the frustration! Their campaign podium frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
Kim Jong-un, this scrappy guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
Stephen Hawking plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a university professor on their best day!
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Kim Jong-un walks off in silence. This household name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Adolf Hitler lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Kim Jong-un holds his in. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Adolf Hitler's name. Forgive me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
96-126 (L)
Adolf Hitler stretches center court! Loosening up, the soldier is getting ready!
This living legend Stephen Hawking with a rare miss in the paint! Even the best stumble!
Stolen from Adolf Hitler! A soldier who let it slip through their fingers!
Adolf Hitler falls asleep on the weak side! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Adolf Hitler scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the soldier knows geometry!
Halftime whistle! Joe Biden slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Joe Biden tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Stephen Hawking drives and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Adolf Hitler fades away to the right spot! Scary good handles off-ball movement!
Kim Jong-un tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a politician's energy for the public policy!
Stephen Hawking tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we challenges better, like the young scholars!'
Adolf Hitler refuses the coach's embrace. Stephen Hawking accepts it but his body is stiff. I learned that Adolf Hitler's father was a politician. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
special forces finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Special forces!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Donald Trump. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 190 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Joe Biden. A university professor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a university professor, with their lecture notes, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Joe Biden has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the young scholars with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
special forces finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
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