john basketball — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Denver Horse-Track | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | john basketball | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... John basketball! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited IShowSpeed. A rapper. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a rapper, with their hot mic, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that IShowSpeed has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the fiery bars with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-124 (L)
This diamond in the rough Dark Brandon comes out firing! A finger roll in the first minute!
This potential breakout star Ian Vicenzio throws up a prayer at half court! Not answered!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Joe Biden gives up the back door! Hot head when overplaying!
Joe Biden throws their hands up! Like a university professor when their lecture notes breaks!
Halftime whistle! IShowSpeed grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: IShowSpeed listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
A bucket by Ian Vicenzio from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this guy nobody was talking about!
Dark Brandon is running on pure willpower! This unknown gem refusing to quit!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, gets stripped from mid-range! Heavy feet exposed!
IShowSpeed slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rapper hits the workbench!
Jesus Christ refuses to make excuses! A messiah owns the game failures too!
Dark Brandon collapses into the first available chair. Joe Biden stays standing, eyes glazed over. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
77-121 (L)
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ shanks a catch-and-shoot triple from downtown! That's uncharacteristic!
Joe Biden commits the live-ball turnover! Their lecture notes would be ashamed!
Joe Biden caught flat-footed! Standing still, the university professor reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Back in the locker room, IShowSpeed sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? IShowSpeed has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Jesus Christ, this solid build, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Jesus Christ leans on their knees! Gassed, but the messiah keeps going!
Jesus Christ loses the Wilson! A messiah would never be this careless!
Ian Vicenzio, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
IShowSpeed leaves the court quietly! Quiet as a rapper after the fiery bars setback!
Ian Vicenzio's complexion is grey. Joe Biden's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
84-129 (L)
The temple of basketball welcomes IShowSpeed! The rapper with the fiery bars has arrived!
Ian Vicenzio with a wild attempt! This raw talent not finding the range tonight!
Jesus Christ attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, gets exploited in the switch! Hot head exposed in the mismatch!
This first-ballot legend Joe Biden throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Halftime! Ian Vicenzio is limping slightly heading off the court. Small detail: Ian Vicenzio whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Jesus Christ fades away the leather awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this hall-of-fame lock!
This potential breakout star Ian Vicenzio has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
IShowSpeed buries their face! Hidden from view, the rapper can't watch!
Ian Vicenzio penetrates to the tunnel in disappointment. This raw talent will learn from this.
Jesus Christ refuses Orlando Magic-Beans's handshake. Joe Biden offers a limp one with just his fingertips. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-127 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the venue! From competing the game to this, game time!
Ian Vicenzio with a rough double-clutch layup at the buzzer! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
This hungry young player Dark Brandon with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joe Biden gets blown by! Even a university professor couldn't stop that!
Joe Biden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Halftime. Jesus Christ throws his towel on the floor walking in. True story: Jesus Christ had his parking spot stolen by Philadelphia Injury-Report's mascot. Still talks about it. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
IShowSpeed misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the leather!
This rising star Dark Brandon can barely jump! The springs are gone at the top of the key!
IShowSpeed double-dribbles! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't have that rule!
IShowSpeed storms to the bench! Heated! This rapper doesn't handle losing well!
Dark Brandon, this diamond in the rough, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Joe Biden refuses Philadelphia Injury-Report's handshake. IShowSpeed offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-130 (L)
This unknown gem Dark Brandon comes out aggressive! Opens with an off-balance shot from downtown!
Dark Brandon launches the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
IShowSpeed, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the rock!
Ian Vicenzio lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this unknown gem fooled!
This player nobody saw coming Ian Vicenzio hangs the head after the miss! Deflated driving to the hoop!
Finally a breather. Dark Brandon has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Intel: Dark Brandon refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Dark Brandon, this versatile guy, can't finish under the basket! That one stings!
IShowSpeed, this living legend, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
Joe Biden steps back into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Dark Brandon, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
IShowSpeed fades away past the media. This certified GOAT candidate not in the mood to talk.
Dark Brandon lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Joe Biden decides not to comment. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
95-118 (L)
This hidden prospect Dark Brandon catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Jesus Christ bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Ian Vicenzio crosses over the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this hidden prospect!
This dude out of nowhere Ian Vicenzio commits the and-one foul! Tendency to rush in positioning!
Jesus Christ turns the restricted area into a workshop. A step-back three crafted with their bare hands!
Halftime! Ian Vicenzio has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Rumor has it Ian Vicenzio does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Joe Biden slams the damn ball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Dark Brandon, this tweener, gets the look along the baseline but the lid's on the rim!
Dark Brandon dishes into the right spacing! Eyes in the back of the head and elite court awareness!
Dark Brandon, this raw talent, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Ian Vicenzio, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite night-in night-out consistency effort.
Ian Vicenzio stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Dark Brandon comes back to get him. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
82-127 (L)
Tip-off! Dark Brandon gets us started! Let's go!
This potential GOAT Joe Biden muscles up a step-back three but can't get it to fall!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
This total unknown Dark Brandon can't recover! Scored on back to the basket! Limited stamina!
IShowSpeed storms to the bench! This franchise cornerstone is visibly upset!
Halftime. The doctor examines IShowSpeed's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know IShowSpeed plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Dark Brandon blows past the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this total unknown!
Ian Vicenzio, this rising star, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Joe Biden forces the pass! Forcing their lecture notes where it doesn't fit!
Joe Biden mutters to himself walking back! This undisputed superstar fighting inner demons!
Ian Vicenzio sits alone on the bench. This player nobody saw coming processing the defeat.
Dark Brandon hurls his mouthguard into the trash. IShowSpeed keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I got a text from Dark Brandon after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
79-124 (L)
Ian Vicenzio opens with a half-court heave! This dark horse making an early statement!
Dark Brandon dishes and fires but misses everything! Heavy feet tonight!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Dark Brandon falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Joe Biden mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Halftime! Joe Biden checks his stats on the board and winces. True story: Joe Biden had his parking spot stolen by Minnesota Ice-Wall's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back! The players look fired up.
Ian Vicenzio, this hidden prospect, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This franchise cornerstone bent over at half court! Tendency to rush catching up!
This hidden prospect Ian Vicenzio commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
Ian Vicenzio crosses over the towel! This rising star showing hot head!
Dark Brandon, this potential breakout star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
IShowSpeed pulls his cap down over his eyes. Ian Vicenzio doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I learned backstage that Ian Vicenzio also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-131 (L)
Ian Vicenzio, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Joe Biden with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Joe Biden gets posted up and scored on! This generational talent overpowered!
This surprise package Ian Vicenzio gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
First half is done. Ian Vicenzio is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Ian Vicenzio slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Ian Vicenzio fires a scoop layup in transition but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Dark Brandon, this swiss-army-knife type, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Ian Vicenzio with the backcourt violation! This rising star under too much pressure!
This guy with rings on every finger Joe Biden slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Dark Brandon walks off in silence. This guy nobody was talking about gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ kicks his towel across the floor. Ian Vicenzio has already left for the locker room, alone. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-121 (L)
Joe Biden gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!
IShowSpeed air-mails a double-clutch layup at the top of the key! Way off for this living legend!
Jesus Christ throws it into the stands! What was that from this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Joe Biden can't contain the drive! Challenging the young scholars is more containable!
Joe Biden glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this university professor!
End of the second quarter. Ian Vicenzio is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Juicy anecdote: Ian Vicenzio was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Joe Biden clanks another one off the rim! This undisputed superstar needs to find rhythm!
Dark Brandon, this guy nobody was talking about, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
This rising star Dark Brandon dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
IShowSpeed can't hide the frustration! Their hot mic frustration meets the basketball frustration!
This guy nobody was talking about Dark Brandon leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
Dark Brandon walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Ian Vicenzio drags one foot after the other. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-125 (L)
Dark Brandon dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hidden prospect!
Jesus Christ shanks it from half court! Competing the game uses different muscles!
Dark Brandon blows past into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
Joe Biden can't stay in front! Challenging the young scholars doesn't build lateral quickness!
This franchise cornerstone IShowSpeed fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Jesus Christ launches and misses! The ball isn't the game, and it shows!
This total unknown Dark Brandon is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Joe Biden throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the university professor got too confident!
Ian Vicenzio, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Ian Vicenzio and Dark Brandon share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I got a text from Ian Vicenzio after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-126 (L)
Jesus Christ dishes into position! This generational talent not wasting any time!
Dark Brandon with the off-balance devastating dunk! This raw talent couldn't set the feet!
Dark Brandon coughs up the basketball! Lack of consistency strikes again on the low block!
IShowSpeed beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
Jesus Christ vents at their teammates! The messiah who vents about the game!
Rest time. IShowSpeed isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: IShowSpeed lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Joe Biden forces a buzzer-beater from mid-range! This global icon trying too hard!
Joe Biden misses from fatigue! This potential GOAT can't get the elevation along the baseline!
Joe Biden dribbles it off their foot! Their lecture notes would never betray a university professor like that!
Joe Biden drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Dark Brandon had the chances but couldn't convert. This potential breakout star left wanting.
IShowSpeed kicks his towel across the floor. Ian Vicenzio has already left for the locker room, alone. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
This dark horse Ian Vicenzio opens the scoring! An alley-oop! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this generational talent!
Dark Brandon, this all-around player, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Ian Vicenzio gets caught flat-footed! This dude out of nowhere beaten to the spot!
This player nobody saw coming Dark Brandon shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The players file out. Ian Vicenzio exchanges a tense look with the coach. Physio's confession: Ian Vicenzio purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Dark Brandon, this all-around player, gets the look but can't convert under the basket!
Dark Brandon, this combo guard, with tired legs under the basket! Lack of consistency slowing this hidden prospect down!
Joe Biden turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! A university professor dropping their lecture notes at the worst time!
Joe Biden, this undisputed superstar, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Dark Brandon's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Joe Biden breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Behind the scenes, I learned Joe Biden was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-129 (L)
This first-ballot legend IShowSpeed in the starting lineup! Let's see what this first-ballot legend brings!
This absolute legend Joe Biden rattles it out! So close yet so far driving to the hoop!
IShowSpeed trips up in the key! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Fooled like a messiah by counterfeit the game!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
Halftime. Jesus Christ is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ tried to impress the San Antonio Skyscrapers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Break's over, the players take their positions.
A bucket attempt by Dark Brandon falls short! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
Jesus Christ calls for the sub! Even a messiah's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Joe Biden, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Joe Biden can't mask the disappointment! This first-ballot legend wearing it on the sleeve!
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this franchise cornerstone.
IShowSpeed is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Ian Vicenzio waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
A bucket from Dark Brandon hits the iron! Tendency to force bad shots under the spotlight!
This surprise package Ian Vicenzio loses concentration and the orange with it!
Dark Brandon gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Ian Vicenzio rises up and kicks the stanchion! This surprise package losing composure!
Time to breathe. Joe Biden has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Rumor has it Joe Biden does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Joe Biden denied by the basket! Even a university professor can't pry it open!
IShowSpeed misses the rotation! Too tired, like a rapper too tired for the fiery bars!
Ian Vicenzio passes to nobody! This raw talent with a head-scratching decision!
Ian Vicenzio, this potential breakout star, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
This dude out of nowhere Dark Brandon shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Ian Vicenzio whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Joe Biden nods without conviction. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
john basketball finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... John basketball!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited IShowSpeed. A rapper. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a rapper, with their hot mic, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that IShowSpeed has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the fiery bars with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
john basketball finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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