History xi — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | History xi | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... History xi! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Thanos. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. The chef's surprise of the evening is Goonball. An amateur by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Goonball penetrates into position! This diamond in the rough not wasting any time!
Thanos launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the vast empire, and it shows!
Mewtwo turns it over in the center circle! Butterfingers from this astrologer!
Goonball, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
King von attacks and kicks the stanchion! This potential breakout star losing composure!
Rest. Flight buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Flight is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This surprise package Flight shanks a finger roll from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!
Mewtwo attacks a step slower than usual! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the tank!
King von throws it away! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure at half court!
Mewtwo walks away muttering! Muttering about the cosmic fate under their breath!
King von walks off in silence. This surprise package gave it all but it wasn't enough.
King von pulls his cap down over his eyes. Mewtwo doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
88-132 (L)
Tip-off! Flight gets us started! Let's go!
Goonball misses the open look! This player nobody saw coming can't believe it! Limited stamina!
Mewtwo dribbles it off their foot! Their star chart would never betray an astrologer like that!
Flight, this tweener, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Hot head!
Goonball, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Break time. Thanos bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Thanos started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Mewtwo, this unknown gem, with the shot-clock heave! No good from the right corner!
Flight, this do-it-all player, with tired legs at the buzzer! Lack of consistency slowing this diamond in the rough down!
Goonball, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the pill!
Flight, this diamond in the rough, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
Mewtwo had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy nobody was talking about left wanting.
Goonball lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Thanos decides not to comment. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
77-121 (L)
Mewtwo dunks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this total unknown!
King von steps back the orange but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Mewtwo with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost astrologer!
King von gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Goonball, this tweener, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Halftime. Thanos is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know Thanos once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Flight, this dude out of nowhere, comes up empty! A hook shot off target in transition!
Goonball drives but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Mewtwo gets the ball stripped! The cosmic fate would have stayed in an astrologer's grip!
This unknown gem King von slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
King von dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy nobody was talking about will learn from this.
Goonball lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Thanos holds his in. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
76-121 (L)
Mewtwo takes the court to a cathedral silence! The astrologer with their star chart is here!
Thanos with the contested floater off the pick and roll! No good! Bad selection!
Goonball, this all-around player, gets stripped back to the basket! Heavy feet exposed!
Mewtwo, this all-around player, gets dunked on under the basket! Poster material!
Goonball, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
Time to breathe. Goonball has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Goonball plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Goonball forces a bad floater! This hungry young player needs to trust teammates!
Thanos misses from fatigue! Tired arms from ruling the vast empire all week!
Goonball with a wild pass that sails out! This dark horse giving it away!
King von, this player nobody saw coming, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
This surprise package Goonball leaves the venue with head held high. Fought to the end.
Thanos has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Mewtwo has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-134 (L)
King von, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Thanos, this potential breakout star, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Mewtwo with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the cosmic fate!
Mewtwo, this solid build, lets the shooter get free from mid-range! Costly lapse!
Flight dishes the towel! This dark horse showing tendency to force bad shots!
Halftime whistle! Flight grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Flight has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This hungry young player Mewtwo misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Thanos waves for a timeout! The emperor needs the vast empire break!
King von dribbles the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this surprise package!
This total unknown Mewtwo stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This dude out of nowhere King von tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Mewtwo replays the score in his head on a loop. Thanos tries to think about something else. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
83-127 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player King von in the starting lineup! Let's see what this who-is-this-guy player brings!
Flight forces up a hook shot over the defense! Lack of consistency! Bad decision!
Sloppy handling by Thanos! Ruling the vast empire is done with more finesse!
Mewtwo gets screened out! Stuck behind their star chart like it's a wall!
Thanos can't mask the disappointment! This dude out of nowhere wearing it on the sleeve!
Halftime whistle! Goonball grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Goonball was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Mewtwo shoots short! Not enough juice! Even an astrologer would cringe!
This newcomer Goonball can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This dude out of nowhere Goonball with turnover number points! Heavy feet is piling up!
Flight drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
Goonball sits alone on the bench. This rising star processing the defeat.
King von's gaze is cold, distant. Mewtwo's gaze is hot, angry. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-132 (L)
Thanos gets the starting nod! An emperor starting with their imperial scepter confidence!
Mewtwo clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their star chart hitting the cosmic fate!
This raw talent Mewtwo forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Mewtwo lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this dude out of nowhere fooled!
Thanos mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
End of the second quarter. Mewtwo is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? Mewtwo tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Thanos misfires from the low block! Their imperial scepter calibration needed!
This diamond in the rough Mewtwo signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
King von launches carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Mewtwo explodes angrily after the turnover! This potential breakout star spiraling!
King von, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an off-the-charts basketball IQ effort.
Flight takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. King von doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
78-122 (L)
Thanos steps onto the den! From ruling the vast empire to this, game time!
Thanos, this newcomer, pulls the trigger at the buzzer but no luck!
Goonball charges right into the defender! Turnover! Lack of consistency when controlling pace!
Goonball overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
This player nobody saw coming King von hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the left corner!
End of the second quarter. Flight is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Flight calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
King von dunks but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Thanos, this all-around player, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
This diamond in the rough Goonball dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Flight, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
Mewtwo, this dude out of nowhere, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Thanos stares at the floor while Mewtwo mutters something inaudible under his breath. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-122 (L)
This dark horse Goonball comes out aggressive! Opens with an and-one in the paint!
A scoop layup from Goonball catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This unknown gem Thanos commits the offensive foul! Turnover in the paint!
Goonball scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Limited stamina!
King von, this surprise package, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
The players file out. Goonball exchanges a tense look with the coach. Confession: Goonball believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Goonball can't buy a bucket! Another miss from way beyond the arc! Frustrating!
King von, this guy nobody was talking about, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This hungry young player Mewtwo with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Mewtwo mutters to himself walking back! This total unknown fighting inner demons!
King von, this all-around player, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Mewtwo's face is locked shut, zero emotion. King von hides his eyes under a towel. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
73-118 (L)
Mewtwo, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This newcomer is in the building!
Goonball, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
Thanos, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Mewtwo fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an astrologer chasing the cosmic fate!
Flight slams the Spalding in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Goonball wipes his forehead with his jersey. I've been told Goonball always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Thanos can't buy a bucket! Maybe the vast empire would be easier to aim!
Mewtwo soldiers on! The soldier who divines the cosmic fate with their star chart!
King von, this versatile guy, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
King von, this newcomer, yells at the coaching staff! Ego the size of Texas causing friction!
This hidden prospect King von stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hidden prospect wanted.
Flight unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. King von runs a hand down his face. I learned backstage that King von also does astrologer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-128 (L)
Thanos locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an emperor who means business!
Thanos, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild scoop layup!
This unknown gem Goonball loses concentration and the pill with it!
This total unknown King von misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This diamond in the rough Mewtwo can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime! Thanos checks his stats on the board and winces. Quick anecdote about Thanos: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
A scoop layup by Flight from downtown is way off! Tough night for this diamond in the rough!
Mewtwo struggles in overtime! The astrologer hitting the wall with the cosmic fate!
King von with the backcourt violation! This unknown gem under too much pressure!
Mewtwo throws their hands up! Like an astrologer when their star chart breaks!
Mewtwo vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their star chart reinforced with the cosmic fate!
Goonball scratches the back of his neck nervously. Mewtwo has the look of someone who has seen things. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-134 (L)
Mewtwo sets the tone early! The astrologer came to play tonight!
Flight, this smooth operator, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
King von, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Heavy feet in the footwork!
Thanos beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the vast empire slipping from an emperor!
This raw talent King von gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Back to the locker room. Thanos's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Small detail: Thanos whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
King von, this raw talent, fumbles the finish along the baseline! Back to the drawing board!
King von, this guy nobody was talking about, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Thanos loses possession! The vast empire never leaves an emperor's hands like that!
Mewtwo buries their face! Hidden from view, the astrologer can't watch!
This hidden prospect Flight shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
Mewtwo mutters 'damn' under his breath. Flight says 'yeah' in the same tone. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-121 (L)
Flight looks dialed in from the start! Nerves of steel preparation showing!
Flight, this smooth operator, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hungry young player!
Goonball spins into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
Flight gets caught flat-footed! This rising star beaten to the spot!
This total unknown Goonball fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to rush showing!
Break time. Thanos bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Juicy intel: Thanos turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Mewtwo with a wild attempt! This player nobody saw coming not finding the range tonight!
King von is visibly tired! This guy nobody was talking about needs a timeout badly!
King von coughs up the Wilson! Hot head strikes again from way beyond the arc!
This hungry young player Flight throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Mewtwo tips the cap to the winners! The astrologer's grace with the cosmic fate!
Mewtwo hurls his mouthguard into the trash. King von keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
Goonball, this total unknown, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
Thanos can't finish! The emperor who finishes the vast empire can't finish the play!
King von, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the leather! Mental lapse!
Thanos gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the vast empire on a rough day!
Flight glares at the scoreboard! This player nobody saw coming not happy with the situation!
Halftime whistle! King von slides down against the hallway wall. I've been told King von always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
A bank shot attempt by Thanos falls short! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Goonball grabs the shorts! This diamond in the rough is running on fumes!
Goonball throws it into the stands! What was that from this newcomer!
Thanos can't hide the frustration! Their imperial scepter frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Thanos walks off in defeat! Even an emperor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Thanos stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Mewtwo comes back to get him. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-126 (L)
King von, this newcomer, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Goonball forces a bucket back to the basket! This total unknown trying too hard!
Flight passes to nobody! This guy nobody was talking about with a head-scratching decision!
Flight reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Thanos slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an emperor hits the workbench!
Halftime whistle. Goonball flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Goonball talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
A thunderous slam from King von goes in and out! Heartbreaking on the low block!
Goonball, this dark horse, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
This player nobody saw coming Flight commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
This hidden prospect Flight shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Mewtwo hangs their head! An astrologer who gave everything they had!
Flight punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Thanos slides down the wall to the floor. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
History xi finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Thanos.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... History xi!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Thanos. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Goonball. An amateur by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
History xi finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Thanos.
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