My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | My Team | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Superman, his brother-in-law and a superhero by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Superman can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget, let's talk about it. Or actually, let's not, because it'll make you dizzy. We're beyond the luxury tax, beyond the second apron, we're in a zone that even the league's tax accountants struggle to calculate. The owner burns cash like others burn firewood, and he doesn't bat an eye. Every season this team doesn't win the title is a financial scandal. The pressure is absolute, the talent is maximal, and the margin for error is zero. Welcome to the world of superteams, where failure isn't an option, it's a public humiliation.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-119 (L)
Superman steps onto the den! From competing the game to this, game time!
Michael Jordan with the off-balance bucket! This living legend couldn't set the feet!
Superman with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Michael Jordan reacts too late to rotate! Heavy feet on the help side!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, knifes through for a thunderous slam facing the rim! Wow!
First half is done. Shaquille O'Neal is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Superman drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a superhero's spirit has limits!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Natural-born leadership and a sky-high basketball IQ!
LeBron James posts up a step slower than usual! Shaky emotions under pressure in the tank!
Superman packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ shakes Michael Jordan's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
127-82 (W)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Michael Jordan scores at will! An alley-oop off the pick and roll! This all-time great domination!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, sets the table in transition! Assist master!
This household name LeBron James does it again! A free throw with effortless precision!
Jesus Christ switches seamlessly! Versatile as a messiah switching between their bare hands and the game!
Into the tunnel. Superman grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Superman blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jesus Christ turns the three-point line into a workshop. An and-one crafted with their bare hands!
Superman adds insult to injury! Salt on the game wounds from a superhero!
LeBron James trips over the Wilson! Even this franchise cornerstone has those moments!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, does the shimmy! A chest bump! The arena goes crazy!
LeBron James hugs the coach! This all-time great with a complete performance!
Shaquille O'Neal and Jesus Christ fake a wrestling match. Superman plays the referee and calls a timeout. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
123-78 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal takes off into position! This undisputed superstar not wasting any time!
Shaquille O'Neal lets fly past the defense for a euro-step! Size advantage from this this long boy!
This household name Michael Jordan with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Shaquille O'Neal with the tough bucket through contact! This basketball god won't be denied!
Shaquille O'Neal slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Iron discipline in every step!
Heading in. Shaquille O'Neal's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Exclusive: Shaquille O'Neal was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Superman, this all-around player, uses every inch to deliver a buzzer-beater!
LeBron James with a showtime two-handed slam! This all-time great enjoying every second!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, steps on the teammate's foot! Down goes this franchise cornerstone!
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, with the signature ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! The fans love it!
That's the game! Shaquille O'Neal finishes with a monster performance! This all-time great victorious!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Superman films the whole thing. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
119-74 (W)
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Shaquille O'Neal, this potential GOAT, operates in the paint with a pull-up jumper! Clinic!
Shaquille O'Neal with the incredible court vision! This all-time great sees passes nobody else does!
Michael Jordan, this long boy, takes over driving to the hoop. An alley-oop! That's elite!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, shuts down the play from the right corner! Lockdown defender!
Players head to the locker room. LeBron James has tape on three fingers. I've been told LeBron James always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're back! The players look fired up.
Jesus Christ converts a tough scoop layup at the top of the key! Skill level: elite!
Jesus Christ turns it into a clinic! Schooling everybody out there!
This global icon LeBron James passes to the opponent! Gift exchange in the paint!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, flexes on the crowd! A raised fist after a reverse layup!
Michael Jordan sits on the bench with a smile! This undisputed superstar job well done!
Superman does the floss while Shaquille O'Neal spins like a top. Jesus Christ just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
129-83 (W)
Jesus Christ begins their shift on the gymnasium! A messiah starting the their bare hands shift!
LeBron James drives the ball with flair and hits a catch-and-shoot triple! Sensational!
Shaquille O'Neal with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Pure God-given talent on that one!
Superman steps back the ball with nerves of steel. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Superman blocks from behind! Came outta nowhere like a superhero on a mission!
Rest time. Superman isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. I've been told Superman once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, showcases night-in night-out consistency with a gorgeous euro-step!
Michael Jordan rises up with confidence! The game is well in hand for this potential GOAT!
LeBron James pulls up the wrong way on offense! This global icon needs a GPS!
Shaquille O'Neal spins and celebrates! A victory dance at the buzzer! The crowd erupts!
LeBron James, this basketball god, embraces the teammates! A fist pump toward the bench! Sweet victory!
Superman and LeBron James play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Superman loses. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
114-82 (W)
Game time! Superman and this franchise cornerstone ready to put on a show at the gym!
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, posts up and delivers a tear drop! Textbook!
Jesus Christ dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this messiah!
LeBron James attacks from mid-range and finishes with a tear drop! Too good!
Michael Jordan plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this basketball god!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Superman picks up the pace. Fun fact: Superman blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Michael Jordan with another free throw! You can't stop this man!
LeBron James and the garbage time lineup! This all-time great can rest easy!
Shaquille O'Neal dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This certified GOAT candidate oops!
LeBron James lets out a roar! The emotion is real! A victory dance!
This absolute legend LeBron James is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Jesus Christ and Superman do celebratory push-ups. Shaquille O'Neal counts out loud. Definitely cheating. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
131-85 (W)
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jesus Christ with the step-back reverse layup! Creating space like a messiah with their bare hands!
Jesus Christ serves it on a platter! A messiah serving the game with style!
Superman with an incredible hook shot from the right corner! Standing ovation!
Jesus Christ walls up in the free-throw line! Immovable as their bare hands bolted down!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Shaquille O'Neal plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Michael Jordan buries a devastating dunk in the paint! This absolute legend is on fire tonight!
Shaquille O'Neal, this household name, with the dagger and then some! A deep three!
The announcer confused Superman's stat line with a superhero's daily output! Easy mistake!
Jesus Christ does a victory lap! Lapping the court with messiah swagger!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, acknowledges the fans! A standing ovation! A primal scream!
Shaquille O'Neal and Superman chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. I learned backstage that Superman also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
125-80 (W)
This generational talent Michael Jordan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this generational talent brings!
LeBron James spins the orange into a free throw! That dawg mentality shining through!
LeBron James quarter-backs the possession! Assist for a bank shot! What a pass!
Jesus Christ with a free throw in the paint! Competing the game in tight spaces!
LeBron James with the suffocating defense! This global icon is a wall out there!
Cut! Halftime. Superman's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Superman is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Michael Jordan with the decisive pull-up jumper! Insane court vision when it matters most!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan adds another! This is a demolition job!
Superman ranked their teammates by their bare hands compatibility! Unique scouting!
LeBron James with the finger to the lips to hush the crowd after the and-one! This guy with rings on every finger is fired up!
Superman salutes the fans! A superhero's farewell until the next game!
Superman takes Jesus Christ by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
126-81 (W)
Michael Jordan opens with a fadeaway jumper! This generational talent making an early statement!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan is automatic from downtown! An alley-oop drops again!
This global icon LeBron James zips the pass through! Another dime from this big fella!
Michael Jordan goes to work and converts! A finger roll along the baseline! Money!
Shaquille O'Neal times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A defensive stop from the right corner!
First half is done. LeBron James is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: LeBron James tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jesus Christ carves through and scores! That's what a messiah does best!
Superman, this solid build, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, flexes after a missed shot! This basketball god keeping it positive!
Jesus Christ pumps their fist! The fist that grips their bare hands all day!
Superman wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their bare hands and the basketball!
Jesus Christ hits a dab in 2026. Michael Jordan does an ironic dab. Shaquille O'Neal has no idea what that is. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
117-92 (W)
And we're underway! Michael Jordan touches the Wilson first! This potential GOAT looks eager!
The technical flair of Superman recalls their superhero days. A floater! Sublime!
Shaquille O'Neal deflects the pass and starts the break! This certified GOAT candidate defense to offense!
Superman with the wraparound pass! Smooth hands from all that superhero work!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James with the savvy veteran play! Silky smooth technique experience showing!
Off to the locker room. Michael Jordan has already drained two water bottles. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jesus Christ banks it in off the pick and roll! A messiah's steady hand at work!
Chills at the field house as Superman gets introduced! The superhero with their bare hands!
Superman shares the ball unselfishly! No ego, just a superhero who gets it!
The legend of LeBron James grows! This absolute legend adding another chapter driving to the hoop!
Superman walks off the den victorious! A superhero who conquered it all tonight!
Jesus Christ and Shaquille O'Neal fake a wrestling match. Michael Jordan plays the referee and calls a timeout. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
111-90 (W)
This all-time great Superman opens the scoring! A step-back three! Early advantage!
An alley-oop by Shaquille O'Neal! The crowd erupts! Night-in night-out consistency personified!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Shaquille O'Neal threads the needle! Beautiful assist from the right corner! Unreal court vision!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan high-fives his teammates on the way out. True story: Michael Jordan walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Superman muscles through for a fadeaway jumper! The strength of a superhero moving the game!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Shaquille O'Neal, this all-time great, communicates the switch! Ridiculous creativity and vocal leadership!
The resilience of Jesus Christ! A messiah who never gives up, on or off the court!
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, high-fives the bench! A primal scream! Team effort!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James carry Michael Jordan like a trophy across the entire court. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
125-94 (W)
Tip-off! Superman gets us started! Let's go!
Superman catches and shoots,a reverse layup! Quick hands from competing the game!
Superman sprints to close out! A rebound in traffic along the baseline! Great effort!
This household name LeBron James finds the open man! Assist and a thunderous slam!
LeBron James uses the hesitation dribble! That dawg mentality creating separation!
The players leave the court. Superman clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Superman got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
A bucket! LeBron James cannot be stopped tonight! This household name is locked in!
LeBron James soaks in a standing ovation! This generational talent living for these moments!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this certified GOAT candidate!
LeBron James, this tower, embodies the spirit of competition! What a show!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, points to the crowd! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This was for the fans!
Superman mimes popping a champagne bottle. Jesus Christ mimes chugging straight from it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
100-103 (L)
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, overpowers for an and-one! Size matters!
Superman loses the battle in the paint! Being a superhero doesn't help you here!
Superman takes a tough two-handed slam and it doesn't go! Heavy feet in shot selection!
This household name Michael Jordan with back-to-back buckets! The lead is crumbling!
Well-deserved break. Superman looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: Superman calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jesus Christ airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
This basketball god Michael Jordan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Jesus Christ's arc from the game to a half-court heave is the stuff of movies!
Superman, this living legend, misses the potential game-winner! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this certified GOAT candidate wanted.
Superman refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jesus Christ watches it and immediately regrets it. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
102-105 (L)
Jesus Christ lands the first devastating dunk! First blood! The messiah strikes first!
Superman scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the superhero knows geometry!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
LeBron James drives and scores! The comeback is on! This all-time great believing!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jesus Christ's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Jesus Christ entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, forces a bad shot in crunch time! Tendency to rush!
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This first-ballot legend is visibly upset!
The transformation of Michael Jordan is complete! This all-time great has arrived!
Superman, this do-it-all player, rattles out the free throw! Sometimes predictable game getting the best of this guy with rings on every finger!
This household name Superman shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
Michael Jordan walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Jesus Christ speeds up. Wants it to be over. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
93-111 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal means business! Fast start facing the rim!
LeBron James misfires in the paint! Even this potential GOAT has off nights!
LeBron James dunks into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
Superman gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ with a finger-roll bank shot! Dexterity you only get from years as a messiah!
The players leave the court. Michael Jordan clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Michael Jordan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Michael Jordan drives away from the huddle! This all-time great in a dark place mentally!
Michael Jordan, this titan, gets the look but can't convert at the buzzer!
Jesus Christ uses their size out there! The messiah has a built-in advantage!
Michael Jordan misses from fatigue! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't get the elevation on the low block!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Shaquille O'Neal bites the inside of his cheek. Superman pinches the bridge of his nose. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
My Team ends the season #4 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Superman, his brother-in-law and a superhero by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Superman can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget, let's talk about it. Or actually, let's not, because it'll make you dizzy. We're beyond the luxury tax, beyond the second apron, we're in a zone that even the league's tax accountants struggle to calculate. The owner burns cash like others burn firewood, and he doesn't bat an eye. Every season this team doesn't win the title is a financial scandal. The pressure is absolute, the talent is maximal, and the margin for error is zero. Welcome to the world of superteams, where failure isn't an option, it's a public humiliation.
My Team ends the season #4 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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