My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Robert Wadlow, his brother-in-law and a circus performer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Robert Wadlow can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
98-99 (L)
This big-name player Stephen Curry in the starting lineup! Let's see what this big-name player brings!
Harry Potter scores from way beyond the arc! A catch-and-shoot triple with an unmatched feel for the game! Brilliant!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
An and-one attempt by Stephen Curry falls short! Sometimes predictable game in the legs!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, refuses to die! A finger roll keeps the dream alive!
Break! LeBron James rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Robert Wadlow airballs the potential winner! Competing the game is easier than this!
This franchise cornerstone Harry Potter can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
From humble the game beginnings, Robert Wadlow rises at the arena!
This generational talent LeBron James picks up the foul in late in the quarter! Terrible timing!
Harry Potter sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
LeBron James scratches the back of his neck nervously. Michael Jordan has the look of someone who has seen things. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
119-89 (W)
LeBron James, this big fella, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!
Harry Potter fires away the orange with purpose! A free throw! This hall-of-fame lock means business!
LeBron James with the huge double team under the basket! This absolute legend says no!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, finds the rolling big man! A free throw off the assist!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James adjusts the angle mid-drive! Nerves of steel body control!
Back to the locker room. Harry Potter's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Staff confession: Harry Potter is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This certified bucket Stephen Curry is automatic from mid-range! A euro-step drops again!
LeBron James launches and the noise is deafening! An electric crowd! Wow!
Robert Wadlow barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the temple of basketball!
The legend of Stephen Curry grows! This headliner adding another chapter along the baseline!
Michael Jordan daps up the opponent! Respect from this living legend after the battle!
Harry Potter and Robert Wadlow pretend to fish LeBron James out of the crowd. They pull hard. I learned backstage that LeBron James also does juggler on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
108-90 (W)
Game time! Robert Wadlow and this reliable star ready to put on a show at the court!
The crowd erupts as Robert Wadlow nails a sky hook! A circus performer on fire at the venue!
Michael Jordan digs in defensively! Eyes in the back of the head when the team needs stops!
Stephen Curry pinpoints the pass from way beyond the arc! Another assist for this top-tier talent!
Michael Jordan steps back to the right spot! Freakish explosiveness off-ball movement!
The players disappear into the tunnel. LeBron James asks for an ice pack. True story: LeBron James had his parking spot stolen by Orlando Magic-Beans's mascot. Still talks about it. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
A bucket from LeBron James along the baseline! That's a certified bucket-getter!
What a crowd fully behind them! Robert Wadlow and the fans creating a spectacle!
Harry Potter finds the open teammate! This guy with rings on every finger making everyone better!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James with a performance for the ages! A highlight-reel play chapter!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Stephen Curry blows a kiss to the camera. Michael Jordan blows twelve. LeBron James blocks the lens. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
118-106 (W)
Michael Jordan, this titan, is introduced and the arena explodes! This living legend is in the building!
Harry Potter, this solid build, rises above and hammers an and-one!
Michael Jordan forces the step-out-of-bounds! This potential GOAT hawking the ball!
Harry Potter, this all-around player, hits the cutter perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ right on time!
Harry Potter uses that juggler IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Off to the locker room. LeBron James has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: LeBron James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Harry Potter knocks it down! Solid as a juggler with their bare hands in hand!
A hostile crowd as Robert Wadlow nails a pull-up jumper! The circus performer delivers!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
This absolute legend LeBron James turns adversity into fuel! A moment of pure magic energy!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, salutes the faithful! A raised fist! What a night!
Michael Jordan and Robert Wadlow do celebratory push-ups. Stephen Curry counts out loud. Definitely cheating. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
121-93 (W)
LeBron James blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This global icon locked in!
LeBron James answers back with a floater! Next-level basketball IQ under pressure!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, walls up at the buzzer! Impenetrable defense!
Robert Wadlow goes to work and dishes! Gorgeous feed under the basket! Eyes in the back of the head!
Harry Potter executes the delay! Patient as a juggler waiting for their bare hands results!
Halftime. Stephen Curry throws his towel on the floor walking in. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Curry raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, drops a floater from the left corner! Pure artistry!
Deafening noise! LeBron James fires away and the building shakes!
Harry Potter glues the team together! Team-first mentality, pure juggler instinct!
Michael Jordan leaves it all on the floor! This generational talent with a gym-rat work ethic effort!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, points to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! This was for the fans!
Robert Wadlow makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. LeBron James makes a bigger heart. Harry Potter makes a massive heart. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
104-109 (L)
And we're underway! LeBron James touches the damn ball first! This living legend looks eager!
LeBron James attacks at half court and finishes with an off-balance shot! Too good!
Robert Wadlow can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Stephen Curry clanks another one off the rim! This reliable star needs to find rhythm!
This absolute legend LeBron James ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
Halftime whistle! Stephen Curry grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know? Stephen Curry tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This undisputed superstar LeBron James gets called for the charge in late in the quarter! Brutal!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, answers every challenge! Next-level basketball IQ never fading!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, misses the potential game-winner! Heavy feet!
Harry Potter packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Michael Jordan walks toward the tunnel without a word. Robert Wadlow stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
107-99 (W)
This world-class player Robert Wadlow opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, drills another thunderous slam along the baseline! Automatic!
Harry Potter forces the shot-clock violation! Ridiculous creativity on full display!
Stephen Curry spins and creates! Another assist from way beyond the arc! Quarterback!
This multi-time All-Star Robert Wadlow runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
End of the first half. Harry Potter is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Harry Potter lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, takes over off the pick and roll. A fadeaway jumper! That's elite!
This bonafide star Stephen Curry gets the crowd into it! A standing ovation at fever pitch!
Robert Wadlow cheers the loudest! Happy as a circus performer clocking out on a Friday!
Michael Jordan crosses over with conviction! This hall-of-fame lock believes tonight is the night!
Robert Wadlow hugs the coach! This established star with a complete performance!
Robert Wadlow rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Harry Potter does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
111-109 (W)
Robert Wadlow starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a circus performer plays with their bare hands!
Harry Potter forces the turnover! Pressuring like competing the game under deadline!
Harry Potter can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this first-ballot legend!
Robert Wadlow takes off with the precision of a circus performer at work. And it's a layup!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan sets the back screen! That dawg mentality off-ball contribution!
Break! LeBron James heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know LeBron James entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This living legend Michael Jordan drains the pressure shot! Coming out of the locker room! That's a superstar!
LeBron James, this giant, contests everything at the buzzer! Freakish explosiveness on full display!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry brings palpable tension to a new level! Incredible scene!
Michael Jordan delivers in the clutch! An alley-oop at half court! This generational talent is ice cold!
LeBron James fades away the trophy! This absolute legend adds to the collection! A hug with the coach!
LeBron James launches his shoe into the air. Michael Jordan catches it. Standing ovation. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-93 (W)
Harry Potter wins the opening tip! Tipping off with juggler energy!
What a play by Stephen Curry! A layup from downtown! This established star is cooking!
Robert Wadlow picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure circus performer reflexes!
Harry Potter, this guy with rings on every finger, surveys and delivers! A killer instinct in the playmaking!
LeBron James pushes the pace in transition! Natural-born leadership showing in every play!
Halftime. Michael Jordan glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Stephen Curry goes coast to coast for an and-one! This elite player is relentless!
Confetti falls as Robert Wadlow exits! A circus performer's grand finale on the floor!
LeBron James makes the extra pass! This living legend hockey assist for a finger roll!
Robert Wadlow, this walking skyscraper, sets the tone with silky smooth technique! Leader!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, takes the final bow! A raised fist! Dominant display!
Robert Wadlow takes a bow for the crowd. Harry Potter bows to Robert Wadlow. The nobility of basketball. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
112-103 (W)
LeBron James, this generational talent, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
A pull-up jumper from Michael Jordan! This generational talent reminding everyone why they're on top!
Stephen Curry picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
This big-name player Stephen Curry finds the open man! Assist and a reverse layup!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Halftime. Stephen Curry is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. True story: Stephen Curry walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Robert Wadlow with the decisive double-clutch layup! Unreal swagger when it matters most!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A cathedral silence as Stephen Curry steps up!
Harry Potter, this hall-of-fame lock, picks up the fallen teammate! Eyes in the back of the head beyond the stats!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, delivers a dramatic twist! Wisdom and poise!
Robert Wadlow ends on a high note! A circus performer who finishes strong every time!
Harry Potter does a cartwheel at center court. LeBron James tries one too and eats it. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-115 (L)
Harry Potter, this hall-of-fame lock, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Michael Jordan fires away but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Harry Potter turns it over in the money time! A juggler dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Robert Wadlow gets blown by! Even a circus performer couldn't stop that!
This headliner Robert Wadlow throws an elbow in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Heading in. Michael Jordan's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. I've been told Michael Jordan always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Harry Potter gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a juggler begging the game for mercy!
This basketball god LeBron James with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Robert Wadlow mouths off at late in the quarter! A circus performer venting about the game!
LeBron James fades away past the media. This hall-of-fame lock not in the mood to talk.
Harry Potter sits on the bench, staring into nothing. LeBron James has his head in his hands. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-115 (L)
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This basketball god Michael Jordan throws up a prayer off the pick and roll! Not answered!
LeBron James coughs up the Spalding! Hot head strikes again along the baseline!
Robert Wadlow caught flat-footed! Standing still, the circus performer reflexes took a nap!
A devastating dunk by LeBron James at the buzzer! Eyes in the back of the head in every fiber!
Break! Michael Jordan has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. True story: Michael Jordan walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Robert Wadlow, this absolute unit, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Robert Wadlow rattles in and out! The game never teases a circus performer like that!
This basketball god Harry Potter attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Stephen Curry short-arms the shot from fatigue! This reliable star has nothing left!
This basketball god LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Robert Wadlow replays the score in his head on a loop. Stephen Curry tries to think about something else. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
101-106 (L)
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, takes the court! The immense pressure is electric!
Robert Wadlow knocks down a buzzer beater from the left corner! Ice in the veins!
Robert Wadlow overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
This household name LeBron James whiffs on a euro-step! The crowd groans!
This living legend LeBron James draws the charge! Momentum swinging driving to the hoop!
Break! LeBron James grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This guy with rings on every finger Harry Potter with the clutch-time breakdown! Hot head on full display!
Harry Potter mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Michael Jordan is writing the story tonight! This guy with rings on every finger with a thunderous slam from mid-range!
LeBron James, this household name, air-balls in the extra period! The crowd is stunned!
Harry Potter fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the juggler gave everything!
Robert Wadlow hurls his water bottle at the wall. Harry Potter flinches but doesn't react. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
100-107 (L)
Stephen Curry opens with a deep three! This established star making an early statement!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan puts up a fadeaway jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
Stephen Curry loses the ball in traffic! This big-name player can't afford that!
Michael Jordan reacts too late to rotate! Ego the size of Texas on the help side!
Michael Jordan with another scoop layup! You can't stop this man!
Heading in. Robert Wadlow's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Robert Wadlow tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This absolute legend LeBron James hangs the head after the miss! Deflated driving to the hoop!
LeBron James with a wild attempt! This all-time great not finding the range tonight!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, exploits the mismatch at half court! Smart play!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
Robert Wadlow takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad circus performer day!
Stephen Curry's lip is trembling. Harry Potter dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Stephen Curry's name. Forgive me. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-126 (L)
Michael Jordan looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
Robert Wadlow can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
LeBron James crosses over into a dead end off the pick and roll! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Harry Potter argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry punches his locker. Locker room anecdote: Stephen Curry talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Stephen Curry gets a clean look but sometimes predictable game costs the bucket!
LeBron James misses from fatigue! This certified GOAT candidate can't get the elevation on the low block!
This basketball god LeBron James gets pickpocketed in the paint! Sloppy handling!
Robert Wadlow storms to the bench! Heated! This circus performer doesn't handle losing well!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Stephen Curry bites his lip, fists clenched. Harry Potter shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I learned that Stephen Curry's father was a juggler. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Robert Wadlow, his brother-in-law and a circus performer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Robert Wadlow can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
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