Nigger — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Nigger | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. Ladies and gentlemen... Nigger! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Destroy Lonely. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Ken Carson. An amateur in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Ken Carson has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
Playboi Carti fades away into position! This dude putting the league on notice not wasting any time!
Ken Carson with the contested floater in transition! No good! Bad selection!
Playboi Carti with the backcourt violation! A rapper going backwards with the fiery bars!
Playboi Carti, this swiss-army-knife type, gets exploited in the switch! Lack of consistency exposed in the mismatch!
Ken Carson, this legit talent, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Cut! Halftime. Destroy Lonely's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little secret: Destroy Lonely watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Ken Carson, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish at half court! That one stings!
This multi-time All-Star MrBeast can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fires away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Destroy Lonely argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
This seasoned vet Ken Carson stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this seasoned vet wanted.
MrBeast walks toward the tunnel without a word. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Did you know that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart practices youtuber on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
93-103 (L)
MrBeast sets the tone early! The youtuber came to play tonight!
Playboi Carti misses! Even a rapper can't fix that shot!
Playboi Carti loses the orange! A rapper would never be this careless!
This absolute legend Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Playboi Carti knocks down a tear drop facing the rim! Ice in the veins!
Heading in. Ken Carson's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Word is Ken Carson sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this composer!
MrBeast steps back the leather into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this composer!
MrBeast is gassed! More tired than after a full day of captivating the algorithm!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, this short king, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
MrBeast's gaze is cold, distant. Playboi Carti's gaze is hot, angry. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
76-120 (L)
Destroy Lonely steps onto the floor! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
Ken Carson fires a buzzer beater back to the basket but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Ken Carson, this solid build, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart bites on the pump fake! This hall-of-fame lock sent flying at the top of the key!
Playboi Carti picks up the second technical! This guy with a proven track record ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Halftime! Playboi Carti checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know Playboi Carti entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Destroy Lonely can't score in the first quarter! This rapper is way off tonight!
Playboi Carti is running on pure willpower! This legit talent refusing to quit!
MrBeast turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this youtuber!
MrBeast is visibly upset! Upset as a youtuber when the algorithm goes sideways!
Playboi Carti walks off in defeat! Even a rapper's skills couldn't save tonight!
Destroy Lonely walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Ken Carson speeds up. Wants it to be over. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-118 (L)
This league veteran Ken Carson in the starting lineup! Let's see what this league veteran brings!
This league veteran Ken Carson puts up a step-back three but it won't fall! Off night!
MrBeast with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!
Destroy Lonely gets blown by! Even a rapper couldn't stop that!
MrBeast storms to the bench! This multi-time All-Star is visibly upset!
Rest. MrBeast buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. I've been told MrBeast always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Playboi Carti, this tweener, gets stuffed trying a layup! Denied!
Playboi Carti looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a rapper relieved of their hot mic!
This well-respected player Ken Carson with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
MrBeast mouths off during crunch time! A youtuber venting about the algorithm!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a composer after the grand symphony setback!
Destroy Lonely and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
81-126 (L)
Destroy Lonely takes the court to wild stands! The rapper with their hot mic is here!
Destroy Lonely, this solid pro, comes up empty! A bank shot off target at the top of the key!
Playboi Carti with a wild pass that sails out! This dude putting the league on notice giving it away!
This respected competitor Destroy Lonely bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
This solid pro Destroy Lonely gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart picks up the pace. Anecdote of the day: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Playboi Carti misses from the corner! At the buzzer is no place for their hot mic!
Ken Carson is gassed! This respected competitor bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
Turnover by Playboi Carti! Spitting the fiery bars requires less coordination, clearly!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart shakes their head! A composer who can't believe that just happened!
Playboi Carti vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their hot mic reinforced with the fiery bars!
Playboi Carti chews his nails on the bench. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
98-125 (L)
Destroy Lonely looks dialed in from the start! A killer instinct preparation showing!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, this little thunder, can't get a buzzer beater to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Playboi Carti gets the ball stripped! The fiery bars would have stayed in a rapper's grip!
MrBeast, this mammoth, lets the shooter get free off the pick and roll! Costly lapse!
Destroy Lonely drills it in the paint! That rapper precision with their hot mic pays off!
Break. Playboi Carti asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Word is Playboi Carti sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Playboi Carti mutters to himself walking back! This seasoned vet fighting inner demons!
This hall-of-fame lock Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart shanks a reverse layup from mid-range! That's uncharacteristic!
Ken Carson uses the hesitation dribble! A killer instinct creating separation!
Playboi Carti asks for the ball to slow the pace! This hooper's hooper needs air!
Destroy Lonely fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the rapper gave everything!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Playboi Carti watches it and immediately regrets it. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-124 (L)
Ken Carson, this all-around player, sets the tone immediately! A killer instinct from the jump!
Ken Carson, this established player, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Playboi Carti with the backcourt violation! This hooper's hooper under too much pressure!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart caught flat-footed! Standing still, the composer reflexes took a nap!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a composer hits the workbench!
The locker room fills up. MrBeast has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: MrBeast was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
A buzzer-beater from Ken Carson hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Playboi Carti plays through exhaustion! The endurance of spitting the fiery bars daily!
Ken Carson, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Occasional mental lapses when protecting the Wilson!
Destroy Lonely can't mask the disappointment! This player making noise wearing it on the sleeve!
This global icon Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this global icon.
MrBeast and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Evening confession: I'm wearing MrBeast's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-128 (L)
And we're underway! Destroy Lonely touches the pill first! This legit talent looks eager!
Ken Carson forces a bad fadeaway jumper! This guy with a proven track record needs to trust teammates!
MrBeast throws it out of bounds! Like launching their camera into the void!
Destroy Lonely gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the fiery bars behind their hot mic!
Ken Carson gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime. Playboi Carti is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Playboi Carti purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
MrBeast, this guy everybody knows, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
MrBeast with the lazy pass! Hot head leading to easy points!
Destroy Lonely drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart packs up and heads out! Packing their conductor's baton, unpacking emotions!
MrBeast's complexion is grey. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-131 (L)
Destroy Lonely comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the rapper means business!
Playboi Carti, this all-around player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this well-respected player!
Destroy Lonely trips up in beyond the arc! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
MrBeast gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the algorithm on a rough day!
MrBeast drives angrily after the turnover! This established star spiraling!
Break! Ken Carson grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little scoop: Ken Carson collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
MrBeast steps back the pill but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Destroy Lonely gulps water! As thirsty as a rapper reaching for the fiery bars!
This legit talent Ken Carson dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Destroy Lonely looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Destroy Lonely wipes a tear! A rapper who poured everything into the effort!
Ken Carson kicks his towel across the floor. Playboi Carti has already left for the locker room, alone. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
78-122 (L)
Destroy Lonely huddles with the team! Huddling up, the rapper strategizes!
A deep three by MrBeast under the basket is way off! Tough night for this top-tier talent!
Ken Carson throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure at half court!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart watches them score! Just watching, like watching their conductor's baton gather dust!
Playboi Carti buries their face! Hidden from view, the rapper can't watch!
Back in the locker room, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little scoop: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Playboi Carti rattles in and out! The fiery bars never teases a rapper like that!
Destroy Lonely shoots sluggishly! Ego the size of Texas catching up with this dude putting the league on notice!
Destroy Lonely gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
This hooper's hooper Ken Carson hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
MrBeast gave it everything! Everything a youtuber has, left on the court!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. MrBeast nods without conviction. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-122 (L)
Game time! Playboi Carti and this name that's buzzing ready to put on a show at the gymnasium!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, this small but mighty player, gets the look along the baseline but the lid's on the rim!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart dribbles it off their foot! Their conductor's baton would never betray a composer like that!
Ken Carson gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
This max-contract guy MrBeast throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Break. Playboi Carti collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Little scoop: Playboi Carti logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Destroy Lonely shoots but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
MrBeast barely gets back on defense! Moving like a youtuber on a Friday afternoon!
Playboi Carti with the errant pass! This established player needs to settle down!
This next-level player Playboi Carti fouls hard out of frustration! Limited stamina showing!
Playboi Carti hangs their head! A rapper who gave everything they had!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Ken Carson drags one foot after the other. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-129 (L)
This name that's buzzing Destroy Lonely opens the scoring! A two-handed slam! Early advantage!
Destroy Lonely forces a bucket off the pick and roll! This up-and-coming baller trying too hard!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart posts up the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this living legend!
Destroy Lonely overcommits! Going all-in like a rapper on the fiery bars, but wrong!
Destroy Lonely, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Break! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Destroy Lonely forces up a reverse layup over the defense! Tendency to rush! Bad decision!
Ken Carson, this solid build, looks exhausted in the paint! The legs are gone!
Ken Carson tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the decision-making!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart pulls up away from the huddle! This guy with rings on every finger in a dark place mentally!
Ken Carson walks off in silence. This legit talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Destroy Lonely sits on the floor in the hallway. Ken Carson sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-133 (L)
Ken Carson, this respected competitor, draws first blood! A reverse layup to start!
MrBeast can't convert! The youtuber's touch with the algorithm deserted them!
Playboi Carti, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
Playboi Carti loses the battle in the paint! Being a rapper doesn't help you here!
Destroy Lonely vents at their teammates! The rapper who vents about the fiery bars!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart picks up the pace. Rumor has it Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
MrBeast with a rough deep three off the pick and roll! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
MrBeast grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a youtuber finishing the algorithm!
MrBeast with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the algorithm!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a composer after a long shift!
Ken Carson sits alone on the bench. This legit talent processing the defeat.
MrBeast lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Playboi Carti holds his in. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-132 (L)
This league veteran Playboi Carti means business! Fast start in transition!
Ken Carson rushes a free throw in transition! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Stolen from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart! A composer who let it slip through their fingers!
Playboi Carti, this do-it-all player, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
MrBeast waves off the play! The authority of a youtuber in that gesture!
Halftime whistle. MrBeast flops into the first available chair. The staff told me MrBeast sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Destroy Lonely misfires facing the rim! Their hot mic calibration needed!
Playboi Carti waves for a timeout! The rapper needs the fiery bars break!
Playboi Carti coughs it up! A rapper's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Destroy Lonely walks away muttering! Muttering about the fiery bars under their breath!
Playboi Carti absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a rapper knows tough days!
MrBeast has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Playboi Carti has aged ten years in forty minutes. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-130 (L)
Ken Carson takes off with energy from the opening whistle! This next-level player locked in!
That one wasn't even close, MrBeast! Stick to captivating the algorithm!
Intercepted! MrBeast's pass snatched right out of the air! A youtuber would never be that careless!
This all-time great Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fouls reaching in! Tendency to force bad shots on defense!
Playboi Carti, this combo guard, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
The players head in. Destroy Lonely slips on the wet tunnel floor. Staff confession: Destroy Lonely is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart just barely misses! Close as a composer getting the grand symphony almost right!
Ken Carson, this versatile guy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
MrBeast, this big fella, gets stripped facing the rim! Hot head exposed!
This jersey-selling name MrBeast stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This respected competitor Ken Carson shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
MrBeast's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart hides his eyes under a towel. I learned that MrBeast's father was a youtuber. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Nigger finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Destroy Lonely.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. Ladies and gentlemen... Nigger!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Destroy Lonely. The man is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Ken Carson. An amateur in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Ken Carson has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Nigger finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Destroy Lonely.
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