My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jérémy Doku on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 173 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. The chef's surprise of the evening is Phil Foden. An association football player by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the winning goal with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
73-118 (L)
Jérémy Doku steps onto the den! From scoring the winning goal to this, game time!
Phil Foden launches and misses! The rock isn't the winning goal, and it shows!
This guy with rings on every finger Lionel Messi commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
Jérémy Doku can't stay in front! Scoring the winning goal doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jérémy Doku goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This player making noise losing composure!
Back in the locker room, Jérémy Doku sits down and stares at the ceiling. Rumor has it Jérémy Doku has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Cristiano Ronaldo can't find the range! Their football boots has better accuracy than that!
Phil Foden launches but can't sustain the effort! Shaky emotions under pressure emptying the tank!
Phil Foden trips up in the low post! An association football player never trips at work... Right?
Jérémy Doku stares in disbelief! The look of an association football player who just lost everything!
Jérémy Doku vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their football boots reinforced with the winning goal!
Kevin De Bruyne bites the inside of his cheek. Cristiano Ronaldo pinches the bridge of his nose. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
78-122 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo, this living legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Lionel Messi posts up but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Kevin De Bruyne forces the pass! Forcing their football boots where it doesn't fit!
Kevin De Bruyne, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
Cristiano Ronaldo mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Break time. Cristiano Ronaldo bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Cristiano Ronaldo was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Kevin De Bruyne, this once-in-a-lifetime player, pulls the trigger from downtown but no luck!
Jérémy Doku is running on fumes! The association football player tank is completely empty!
Phil Foden throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the association football player got too confident!
Lionel Messi can't mask the disappointment! This franchise cornerstone wearing it on the sleeve!
This legit talent Jérémy Doku tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kevin De Bruyne whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Phil Foden nods without conviction. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
81-124 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The association football player strikes first!
Jérémy Doku fires a brick at the buzzer! Way off, even for an association football player!
Phil Foden, this pocket rocket, fumbles the entry pass at the buzzer!
Phil Foden can't contain the drive! Scoring the winning goal is more containable!
Lionel Messi argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to scoring the winning goal!
Halftime! Cristiano Ronaldo walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. I've been told Cristiano Ronaldo always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A free throw by Kevin De Bruyne off the pick and roll is way off! Tough night for this household name!
Jérémy Doku is gassed! More tired than after a full day of scoring the winning goal!
Phil Foden with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost association football player!
This elite player Phil Foden can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jérémy Doku fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the association football player gave everything!
Cristiano Ronaldo's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Kevin De Bruyne breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
81-125 (L)
This living legend Kevin De Bruyne means business! Fast start on the low block!
Lionel Messi dribbles the rock right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
Lionel Messi with the backcourt violation! This hall-of-fame lock under too much pressure!
This household name Cristiano Ronaldo caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Lionel Messi is visibly upset! Upset as an association football player when the winning goal goes sideways!
The players file out. Cristiano Ronaldo exchanges a tense look with the coach. Locker room anecdote: Cristiano Ronaldo talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Jérémy Doku forces a pull-up jumper from mid-range! This solid pro trying too hard!
Cristiano Ronaldo calls for the sub! Even an association football player's stamina with their football boots has limits!
Jérémy Doku blows past the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this next-level player!
Jérémy Doku, this little guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Lionel Messi looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for an association football player!
Jérémy Doku whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Phil Foden nods without conviction. I got a text from Jérémy Doku after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-127 (L)
Jérémy Doku sets the tone early! The association football player came to play tonight!
Cristiano Ronaldo sends it wide! Their football boots wouldn't forgive that either!
Jérémy Doku turns it over at after a timeout! An association football player dropping their football boots at the worst time!
Lionel Messi overcommits! Going all-in like an association football player on the winning goal, but wrong!
Cristiano Ronaldo mouths off on the decisive possession! An association football player venting about the winning goal!
Break! Phil Foden has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Phil Foden once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Phil Foden denied by the basket! Even an association football player can't pry it open!
Lionel Messi posts up a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Kevin De Bruyne drives into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Lionel Messi can't hide the frustration! Their football boots frustration meets the Wilson frustration!
Kevin De Bruyne leaves the venue with dignity! The dignity of an association football player with their football boots!
Lionel Messi leaves the court at a jog. Jérémy Doku stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
84-114 (L)
Kevin De Bruyne pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified GOAT candidate!
A euro-step from Kevin De Bruyne goes in and out! Heartbreaking from downtown!
Cristiano Ronaldo botches the handoff! Even their football boots exchanges go smoother!
This global icon Lionel Messi misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This certified GOAT candidate Cristiano Ronaldo slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break. Phil Foden collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Phil Foden blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Jérémy Doku gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the association football player touch can't save that one!
Jérémy Doku tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an association football player's energy for the winning goal!
Intercepted! Phil Foden's pass snatched right out of the air! An association football player would never be that careless!
Phil Foden throws their hands up! Like an association football player when their football boots breaks!
Lionel Messi sits alone on the bench. This household name processing the defeat.
Phil Foden stares at the floor while Kevin De Bruyne mutters something inaudible under his breath. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
82-126 (L)
This generational talent Lionel Messi opens the scoring! An and-one! Early advantage!
Cristiano Ronaldo forces up a bank shot over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
Lionel Messi commits the live-ball turnover! Their football boots would be ashamed!
Kevin De Bruyne lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this global icon fooled!
Cristiano Ronaldo sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an association football player after a long shift!
Halftime! Jérémy Doku looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little scoop: Jérémy Doku collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jérémy Doku gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Phil Foden finds a second wind! The association football player engine roars back to life!
Cristiano Ronaldo takes off carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Lionel Messi glares at the scoreboard! This undisputed superstar not happy with the situation!
Jérémy Doku walks off in defeat! Even an association football player's skills couldn't save tonight!
Lionel Messi clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jérémy Doku fidgets with his wristband nervously. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-119 (L)
Phil Foden stretches center court! Loosening up, the association football player is getting ready!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this certified GOAT candidate, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target at the buzzer!
Turnover by Cristiano Ronaldo! Scoring the winning goal requires less coordination, clearly!
Jérémy Doku gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
This potential GOAT Lionel Messi stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime whistle. Jérémy Doku high-fives his teammates on the way out. Confession: Jérémy Doku tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jérémy Doku with the off-balance half-court heave! This player on the come-up couldn't set the feet!
Lionel Messi, this miniature missile, laboring up and down! Shaky emotions under pressure draining the energy!
Jérémy Doku with the errant pass! This established player needs to settle down!
Lionel Messi buries their face! Hidden from view, the association football player can't watch!
Cristiano Ronaldo packs up and heads out! Packing their football boots, unpacking emotions!
Kevin De Bruyne sits on the floor in the hallway. Jérémy Doku sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-123 (L)
Lionel Messi, this pint-sized baller, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
Kevin De Bruyne misfires at half court! Their football boots calibration needed!
Sloppy handling by Phil Foden! Scoring the winning goal is done with more finesse!
Kevin De Bruyne gets blown by! Even an association football player couldn't stop that!
Lionel Messi mutters to himself walking back! This household name fighting inner demons!
The players head in. Jérémy Doku slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: Jérémy Doku fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Jérémy Doku with a wild attempt! This player making noise not finding the range tonight!
Jérémy Doku asks for the ball to slow the pace! This solid pro needs air!
Phil Foden dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the association football player's finest moment!
Lionel Messi, this little thunder, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Jérémy Doku wipes a tear! An association football player who poured everything into the effort!
Kevin De Bruyne sits on the floor in the hallway. Jérémy Doku sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I learned backstage that Jérémy Doku also does association football player on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-119 (L)
Phil Foden, this little firecracker, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
This seasoned vet Jérémy Doku rattles it out! So close yet so far under the basket!
Jérémy Doku, this small but mighty player, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
Kevin De Bruyne, this do-it-all player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Jérémy Doku finishes with style! Years of scoring the winning goal built those hands!
The players leave the court. Jérémy Doku clings to the tunnel railing. Confession: Jérémy Doku tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Cristiano Ronaldo drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
This hall-of-fame lock Cristiano Ronaldo whiffs on a euro-step! The crowd groans!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this undisputed superstar, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Freakish explosiveness!
Jérémy Doku soldiers on! The soldier who scores the winning goal with their football boots!
Lionel Messi consoles teammates! The heart of an association football player in that moment!
Jérémy Doku sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Cristiano Ronaldo puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-129 (L)
This established player Jérémy Doku comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook at half court!
Kevin De Bruyne takes off but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Jérémy Doku with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the winning goal!
Phil Foden beaten to the spot! Slower than an association football player on a Monday morning!
Jérémy Doku rises up angrily after the turnover! This dude putting the league on notice spiraling!
Rest time. Kevin De Bruyne isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Small detail: Kevin De Bruyne wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Phil Foden shoots an air ball in immense pressure! An association football player lost in the noise!
Kevin De Bruyne is running on pure willpower! This undisputed superstar refusing to quit!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kevin De Bruyne with turnover number points! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Jérémy Doku gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Phil Foden tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we scores better, like the winning goal!'
Kevin De Bruyne refuses the coach's embrace. Lionel Messi accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-130 (L)
Kevin De Bruyne huddles with the team! Huddling up, the association football player strategizes!
Lionel Messi can't hit from the baseline! That zone is cursed for this association football player!
Stolen from Jérémy Doku! An association football player who let it slip through their fingers!
This player on the come-up Jérémy Doku gives up the offensive rebound! Heavy feet when boxing out!
Lionel Messi slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an association football player hits the workbench!
Halftime. Jérémy Doku wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: Jérémy Doku fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Phil Foden fires away and fires but misses everything! Defense that's basically a suggestion tonight!
Lionel Messi cramps up! Muscles tight from their football boots and the Spalding double duty!
This generational talent Lionel Messi loses concentration and the orange with it!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Despite the loss, Jérémy Doku held their own with the winning goal! The association football player fought!
Phil Foden has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Lionel Messi has aged ten years in forty minutes. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-128 (L)
This all-time great Cristiano Ronaldo in the starting lineup! Let's see what this all-time great brings!
Phil Foden launches from deep and misses! An association football player's range doesn't apply here!
Jérémy Doku loses the rock! An association football player would never be this careless!
Kevin De Bruyne overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Cristiano Ronaldo drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an association football player's spirit has limits!
Halftime whistle. Phil Foden high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Phil Foden tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Cristiano Ronaldo misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Jérémy Doku, this hooper's hooper, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Cristiano Ronaldo gets picked! An association football player getting the winning goal stolen in broad daylight!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this first-ballot legend, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
Cristiano Ronaldo sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an association football player after their football boots broke!
Phil Foden sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Lionel Messi has his head in his hands. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-134 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like an association football player on day one!
Kevin De Bruyne, this swiss-army-knife type, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
Cristiano Ronaldo gets the ball stripped! The winning goal would have stayed in an association football player's grip!
Jérémy Doku loses their assignment! Like losing their football boots in the workshop!
This player on the come-up Jérémy Doku fouls hard out of frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Intermission. Jérémy Doku dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Rumor has it Jérémy Doku does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kevin De Bruyne bobbles and misses! Fumbling the pill like it's a Monday morning!
This absolute legend Lionel Messi has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Kevin De Bruyne coughs up the damn ball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again on the low block!
Kevin De Bruyne shakes their head! An association football player who can't believe that just happened!
This guy with rings on every finger Cristiano Ronaldo shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
Lionel Messi lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jérémy Doku decides not to comment. Behind the scenes, I learned Jérémy Doku was also an association football player in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-120 (L)
Lionel Messi starts in the slasher! Playing the slasher way an association football player plays with their football boots!
Air ball from Jérémy Doku! Being an association football player doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Lionel Messi tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Jérémy Doku gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the winning goal on a rough day!
Jérémy Doku, this league veteran, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Back to the locker room. Kevin De Bruyne punches his locker. Exclusive info: Kevin De Bruyne is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Cristiano Ronaldo, this tweener, gets stuffed trying a deep three! Denied!
Phil Foden misses the rotation! Too tired, like an association football player too tired for the winning goal!
Lionel Messi throws it away! A pass worse than an association football player tossing the winning goal!
Jérémy Doku vents at their teammates! The association football player who vents about the winning goal!
Kevin De Bruyne walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to association football player life tomorrow!
Cristiano Ronaldo walks head down toward the tunnel. Phil Foden drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jérémy Doku.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jérémy Doku on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 173 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Phil Foden. An association football player by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the winning goal with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jérémy Doku.
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