My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Dwayne Johnson slips Zinedine Zidane in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Feint from Zinedine Zidane, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. GOOOOAL for Zinedine Zidane! He plays Jude Bellingham in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Sonic the Hedgehog slides a beauty through the gap, Dwayne Johnson is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. OHHH Dwayne Johnson strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Lev Yashin boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Ronaldo! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Smooth transition from Ronaldo to James Bond, no delay, the game keeps flowing. The 00 agent wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

The film producer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Dwayne Johnson to Hulk, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Hulk tries to find Sonic the Hedgehog but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. James Bond finds Dwayne Johnson in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

Rapid combination: Michael Jackson to Ronaldo, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Nutmeg from Ronaldo, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Ronaldo curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save! Ronaldo sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Ronaldo boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

Paolo Maldini punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Hulk reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 28-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ronaldo leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Massive clearance from the film producer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Lev Yashin sends an absolute rocket towards Sonic the Hedgehog, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Crossfield pass from Sonic the Hedgehog to Zinedine Zidane, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Firm pass from Zinedine Zidane into Jude Bellingham, right into the boots. No waste.

Zinedine Zidane passes short to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball comes back, new delivery coming up. The player slides a perfect cut-back for Dwayne Johnson in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. Dwayne Johnson is going to have nightmares about that one. Ronaldo hands him the goal and he fires it three yards wide. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Jude Bellingham lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. Driven kick from Lev Yashin to James Bond, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. James Bond sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Lev Yashin fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Zinedine Zidane plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Absolute peach from Sonic the Hedgehog, threading it through for Hulk, the centre-halves are done for! Marginal offside called on Hulk, Flash's through ball cut the defence open perfectly. Everything hangs in the balance, VAR replaying it in slow motion. The stadium is petrified.

Lev Yashin plays it along the ground to Paolo Maldini, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Paolo Maldini rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Sonic the Hedgehog. The far side is completely deserted. The player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Flash hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job!

Defeat. Hulk sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Paolo Maldini comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Shoulder charge from Dwayne Johnson on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Dwayne Johnson whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Hulk throws himself at it for a header. Hulk meets the cross from Flash victoriously! The header is on target, the ball is in the net, GOOOAL!

Dwayne Johnson fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Flash plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Zinedine Zidane puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Dwayne Johnson is there to finish. The film producer rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Dwayne Johnson throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Paolo Maldini spreads it to Zinedine Zidane, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Delicious through ball from Zinedine Zidane, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Ronaldo is there to gobble it up. Ronaldo sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal.

Tidy restart from Lev Yashin along the deck to Paolo Maldini, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Brilliant switch of play from Paolo Maldini! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Dwayne Johnson. Dwayne Johnson wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. The film producer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Ronaldo plays it into the channel for Dwayne Johnson, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. The film producer roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Dwayne Johnson lobs it over the entire defence for Jude Bellingham, that is laser-guided. Header from Jude Bellingham, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

Hulk starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Michael Jackson conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Inside info here — Dwayne Johnson insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 54, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Jude Bellingham is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Lev Yashin gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Lev Yashin takes his time and plays it short to Sonic the Hedgehog. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Sonic the Hedgehog pings a ridiculous diagonal to James Bond. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Lay-off from Jude Bellingham to Hulk, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Hulk sees what nobody else sees and puts Jude Bellingham through on goal with a genius through ball. Jude Bellingham powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

Paolo Maldini pings a long diagonal to Ronaldo, completely shifts the point of attack. Ronaldo curls a cross to the near post, Paolo Maldini is lurking in the box. Paolo Maldini takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

The whole team steps up to smother the build-up, the opposition is gasping. Error from the philanthropist, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Lovely interception from Hulk, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Shot from Sonic the Hedgehog, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

What a performance! Hulk exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Michael Jackson just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Fantastic surging run from Michael Jackson, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. GOOOOAL from the philanthropist! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Jude Bellingham delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Sonic the Hedgehog is there to receive. Aerial duel won by the player, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Monster clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

Michael Jackson changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Hulk. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Crafty ball from Hulk into the gap, Jude Bellingham arrives into the space and collects on the move. Overlap from Jude Bellingham on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Cut-back along the ground from Jude Bellingham on the right, Ronaldo picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance.

Sonic the Hedgehog gives it to Jude Bellingham into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Jude Bellingham gets down the left and pulls it back low, Ronaldo is stationed on the penalty spot. NOOOOO Ronaldo! The whole stadium had screamed goal after the pass from Zinedine Zidane, but he fires wide of the open net. Stunned silence. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Lev Yashin rolls it short to Zinedine Zidane into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Interception from Zinedine Zidane right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Zinedine Zidane links up with Hulk, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. One touch football: Hulk to Dwayne Johnson, faster than the opposition can think.

Paolo Maldini mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. James Bond wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." A former teammate has revealed that Flash once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 180, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Michael Jackson leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Heroic recovery from the film producer, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. Dwayne Johnson puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing.

Lev Yashin plays out from the back with Paolo Maldini, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Paolo Maldini sends an aerial beauty to James Bond, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. James Bond feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Dwayne Johnson shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Michael Jackson. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Michael Jackson charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Michael Jackson floats a lobbed cross over the defence, Sonic the Hedgehog pops up behind the back line. Sonic the Hedgehog outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Sonic the Hedgehog shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Short restart from Lev Yashin to Hulk, building from the back nice and tidy. Quick one-two between Hulk and Flash, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Flash chips a cross over the defensive line, Sonic the Hedgehog controls in space. That is world class. Volley attempt from the player, flies wide. In that role, the technique was superb, just needs a fraction more precision. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

That's what it MEANS! Michael Jackson rips off his shirt and whips it around his head, sprinting toward the corner flag. Ronaldo catches up and they collide in a mess of limbs and pure joy. The gaffer's fist-pumping on the touchline. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are done. Absolutely done. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

High recovery from Michael Jackson, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. GOOOAL! Ronaldo follows up the strike from Sonic the Hedgehog and toes it in at the back post! POACHER'S goal!

Magnificent tackle from Hulk! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Incredible solo charge from the scientist, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Hulk tries one trick too many and loses the ball cheaply. The defender barely had to try. Huge interception from Ronaldo! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match.

The player dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Michael Jackson. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level. Volley from Michael Jackson! It balloons up, shame because the technique deserved better. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Lev Yashin narrows the angle to perfection and stretches in front of the attacker. One-on-one, KEEPER VICTORIOUS! Lev Yashin opts for the short option to Flash, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Flash swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Ronaldo, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. What a CHARGE from Lev Yashin! He smothers the attacker in full flight and smothers the ball. Emergency clearance from the film producer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Lovely anticipation from the player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal.

The boss pulls Ronaldo aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 50 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Ronaldo just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. James Bond's car broke down on the M25 twenty minutes before a cup final, and the 28-year-old hitchhiked with a plumber called Keith from Watford. Both made it in time — Keith got a free programme. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' Zinedine Zidane leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Textbook tackle from James Bond there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. James Bond picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. James Bond weights his pass into the space for Dwayne Johnson who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

Short distribution from Lev Yashin to Flash, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Lovely use of the ball by Flash, finding Zinedine Zidane in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Lev Yashin throws it out quickly to Flash, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Brilliant interception from Flash, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Good ball from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sonic the Hedgehog strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Sonic the Hedgehog whips in a cross at head height, Jude Bellingham anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

The 00 agent boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Lev Yashin hoofs it forward towards Paolo Maldini, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Change of flanks from Paolo Maldini, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find James Bond. The 00 agent reads the movement before anyone else and puts Michael Jackson into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Michael Jackson picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

The 00 agent reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already.

Get in! Flash and Hulk do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Flash turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Jude Bellingham sets it for Ronaldo, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Sharp cut inside from Ronaldo, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. What a GOAL from Ronaldo! On the cross from Flash, he curls his shot and the ball dies in the bottom corner.

Jude Bellingham fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Sonic the Hedgehog plays the medic running in. Lev Yashin plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The 00 agent plays it simple to Paolo Maldini, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Paolo Maldini skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. Paolo Maldini slides it to Sonic the Hedgehog, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Sonic the Hedgehog gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Hulk is there to meet it. Phenomenal stop from Lev Yashin! That is a reflex save from another planet!

Oh what a challenge! Paolo Maldini goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Wing switch from Paolo Maldini, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Hulk brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

Nutmeg from Ronaldo on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Ronaldo is knocked off balance in the box by the defender. The referee looks, blows and points to the SPOT. PENALTY! The tension is thick enough to cut with a KNIFE! Penalty saved by the keeper! Ronaldo struck it but the goalkeeper stood firm. No goal. The scientist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. Flash crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Michael Jackson is there to meet it. Dominant header from Michael Jackson on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Zinedine Zidane winces. James Bond looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. James Bond once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 28, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Kick-off! Zinedine Zidane wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

What a mess! Douala Makossa-Corner capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Lev Yashin and James Bond do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Lev Yashin arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Short build-up from Hulk to Zinedine Zidane, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Sideways ball from Zinedine Zidane to Michael Jackson, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Michael Jackson nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. CRAAACKER from Michael Jackson outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

Jude Bellingham puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Zinedine Zidane gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Dribble attempt aborted for Zinedine Zidane, the defender reads the play and steps in. Interception from Michael Jackson who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Michael Jackson.

Ronaldo sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery. Ronaldo eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Ronaldo lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Lev Yashin smashes a volley towards Hulk, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Jude Bellingham uses Flash as a wall, the return is instant, Jude Bellingham carries on into space. Crystal clear. Overlap from Jude Bellingham on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. The referee spots the foul by Jude Bellingham, a push in the back on the opponent. Jude Bellingham gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle.

Michael Jackson tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. Michael Jackson takes his free kick and the wall does its job. Blocked, no worries. Totally wasted corner from Ronaldo, straight out for a goal kick, outrageous.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Zinedine Zidane shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Ronaldo goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Little shift from Flash to Jude Bellingham, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Jude Bellingham nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. What PRESENCE from Jude Bellingham in the box! He toes the ball into the net. PURE OPPORTUNIST'S GOAL!

Flash dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Ronaldo can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Lev Yashin claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

James Bond reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Jude Bellingham puts Ronaldo into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Lev Yashin dives at the attacker's feet and gathers! One-on-one WON by the keeper! Lev Yashin sparks the transition with a quick throw to Jude Bellingham, the break is lightning fast.

Beautiful distribution from Lev Yashin to Flash, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Great vision from Flash who switches to Jude Bellingham. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Cross from Jude Bellingham, he puts it on the far post for Paolo Maldini. Paolo Maldini attempts to cross but the defender gets a foot in, blocked cleanly.

Brilliant pass from Sonic the Hedgehog! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and James Bond is onto it. The flag goes up against James Bond. He was leaning offside when Hulk struck the pass. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Sonic the Hedgehog shifts it to Ronaldo with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Long ball from Zinedine Zidane to Paolo Maldini, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Paolo Maldini rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Paolo Maldini picks out James Bond with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Flash reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Dwayne Johnson cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Jude Bellingham is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 23-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 7272 and answer this question: 'Which British town was accidentally built upside down?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Zinedine Zidane is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

And there it is, Lagos No-Carry-Last score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Three-man routine: Lev Yashin, Dwayne Johnson and Lev Yashin do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Lev Yashin launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Sonic the Hedgehog after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Sonic the Hedgehog fires the ball over to Zinedine Zidane with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Zinedine Zidane puts it right into the feet of Hulk, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Hulk clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Dwayne Johnson gets across the near post first.

Hulk throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Superb pass from Zinedine Zidane into the gap for Paolo Maldini, the defender is rooted to the spot. Pull-back from Paolo Maldini along the ground, Dwayne Johnson is in position in the area. Clean as you like.

Zinedine Zidane sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Dwayne Johnson pops up between two defenders. The attacker crushes Dwayne Johnson in the aerial duel, he got significantly higher. Dwayne Johnson was helpless. Lev Yashin makes a HUUUUGE save! The attacker hit it well but the keeper read it all the way.

Emergency clearance from James Bond, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Cross from Sonic the Hedgehog far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Sonic the Hedgehog delivers a tidy ball to James Bond, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Perfect cut-back from James Bond, Hulk receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario.

Shared match. Jude Bellingham walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Dwayne Johnson does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British town was accidentally built upside down?'. The answer was of course Scunthorpe, which explains why the drains are on the roof and everyone walks on the ceiling. Brenda wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

They've scored! Barranquilla Toque-Toque break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Hulk with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Ronaldo sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Give and go from the philanthropist with James Bond, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Michael Jackson unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Jude Bellingham! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

The 00 agent switches the play to Michael Jackson, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Michael Jackson plays the simple ball to Sonic the Hedgehog, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Sonic the Hedgehog finds Jude Bellingham between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Jude Bellingham gives it to Flash and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Jude Bellingham is away.

The player puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Paolo Maldini rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Powerful run from Paolo Maldini down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Paolo Maldini slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Paolo Maldini opts for the short pass to James Bond instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Zinedine Zidane is biting {his} nails in the corner. Sonic the Hedgehog stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Ronaldo once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 50, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' And we are back underway! Flash jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Lev Yashin goes long for Michael Jackson, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. The philanthropist wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Dwayne Johnson opens up to Hulk on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Header lost by Hulk, the opponent took the elevator while Hulk stayed on the ground floor. Flash lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

It was bound to happen. Barranquilla Toque-Toque score and honestly, we deserved that.

The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. That's a beauty from Dwayne Johnson! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. The film producer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Well spotted by Dwayne Johnson who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. SHOOOOT from Jude Bellingham... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. BY A WHISKER! Zinedine Zidane fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

Lev Yashin plays it short to Michael Jackson, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Michael Jackson rolls it to Hulk, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Hulk powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Chipped cross from Hulk over the block, Ronaldo peels off and finds himself one on one with the keeper.

James Bond anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Good ball from James Bond to Sonic the Hedgehog, playing it quick between the lines. High recovery from the player who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Sonic the Hedgehog plays it simple to Flash, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Draw. Jude Bellingham takes the time to shake every Barranquilla Toque-Toque player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Flash follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-2 (L)

The scientist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. BOOOOOM! Zinedine Zidane sends a BOMB from 25 yards, the keeper just watched the ball fly past!

Hulk and Dwayne Johnson do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Lev Yashin arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Decisive glance from James Bond who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. James Bond launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Flash, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Aerial duel lost by Flash, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. SAAAAAVED by Lev Yashin! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips!

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. Lev Yashin comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone. Lev Yashin finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Paolo Maldini threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Ronaldo bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Ronaldo fires wide, not far from the post though! Lev Yashin distributes short to Michael Jackson, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Quick exchange between Michael Jackson and Jude Bellingham, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Jude Bellingham goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Jude Bellingham just won it.

It's a goal for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Lev Yashin sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Hulk is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Hulk once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 28, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Hulk leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Lob from Sonic the Hedgehog over the entire defence, Dwayne Johnson finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Dwayne Johnson connects on a left-footed volley, the foot is sweet but the ball sails over. Shame, it was gorgeous. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Monster clearance from Lev Yashin, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Dwayne Johnson. What a tackle by Dwayne Johnson! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Dwayne Johnson to Flash, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

James Bond with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! James Bond keeps it short to Michael Jackson, no frills, just good football intelligence. Michael Jackson sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

We're in limbo now, the VAR room is checking the footage. Both benches on their feet. The referee reluctantly returns and shows Flash the red after VAR! The player snaps and throws a punch. His team will be fuming — that's left them with a mountain to climb. The player plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Lev Yashin sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Lev Yashin, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Devastating burst of pace from Michael Jackson, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Michael Jackson sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers. Quick throw from Lev Yashin to Sonic the Hedgehog out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Sonic the Hedgehog switches the play to James Bond on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Ronaldo goes crossfield to Hulk, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. The scientist misplaces his pass to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Lightning press from Paolo Maldini, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. WHAT A SHAME for Sonic the Hedgehog! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Ronaldo sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Flash reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Flash. Ronaldo almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Sonic the Hedgehog feeds Ronaldo in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Ronaldo finds James Bond with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. James Bond takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Effort from Zinedine Zidane that flies into the stands! The keeper didn't even pretend to move. Lev Yashin fires it out quickly by hand to Dwayne Johnson, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

The ball from Michael Jackson rips through the defensive curtain, Sonic the Hedgehog is flying into the space like an arrow. The player winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The 00 agent shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Ronaldo. Pure quality, as per usual.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Lev Yashin climbs onto Ronaldo's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Lev Yashin circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Sonic the Hedgehog! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! That's a penalty all day long! Sonic the Hedgehog's shot hits the arm of a defender. The ref spots it immediately. Penalty completely missed by Flash! The shot goes two yards wide of the post. Dreadful.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Lev Yashin gets shifted. Dwayne Johnson drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Lovely story from Hulk's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And the second half is go! Flash charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

The player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Flash beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Flash goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all.

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Lev Yashin rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Hulk jumps on his back, Lev Yashin is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Hulk with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Hulk looks up and launches a long pass towards Paolo Maldini. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Paolo Maldini with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Paolo Maldini boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Long kick from Lev Yashin, Dwayne Johnson positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Switch from Dwayne Johnson! The ball arcs over the midfield and Jude Bellingham collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

James Bond pierces the backline with a low through ball, Flash latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Flash puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Botched intervention from Flash, caught on the deck and out of position now. That'll come back to haunt him. There goes Zinedine Zidane — red card for a last-man foul on the attacker racing towards goal. Calculated risk.

Sharp turn from Ronaldo, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Ronaldo goes over the top of the ball and rakes down the attacker's shin. Ugly, ugly tackle. The referee books Ronaldo for unsporting conduct. That was a sly dig at the opponent. Ronaldo goes short to Hulk, they are trying to find a way through with a set piece routine. The scientist finds Paolo Maldini along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Zinedine Zidane climbs above everyone on the corner from Flash but his header is too wide. Lev Yashin distributes by hand to Dwayne Johnson on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Decisive interception from the film producer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Massive diagonal from Dwayne Johnson! James Bond receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Brilliant opening from James Bond for Hulk, frees up the entire left flank.

Defeat. Jude Bellingham sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Flash comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Ronaldo lays it off first time to Flash, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Sonic the Hedgehog. That is exactly why he is out there. The player winds up and sends a SCREAMER top bins! In that position, that level of power is what makes you unpredictable. GOAL!

Perfect back flip from Ronaldo right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Jude Bellingham tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Lev Yashin has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

'I told you so' mode. Lev Yashin eyeballs the Rio Malandro FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Paolo Maldini pulls Lev Yashin away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Free kick swung in by Zinedine Zidane, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Paolo Maldini is lurking. Corner from Paolo Maldini to the back post, it's knocked back across, SCRAMBLE! Defense boots it clear! Shot blocked! Sonic the Hedgehog couldn't get it past the defender who gets in the way at the last second. James Bond clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Michael Jackson launches it to Dwayne Johnson on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Dwayne Johnson tries a crossfield ball to Jude Bellingham but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Paolo Maldini barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Paolo Maldini plays the free kick into the danger zone, Hulk arrives at the penalty spot.

Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Michael Jackson tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Lev Yashin is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Lev Yashin: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Paolo Maldini holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 58, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Paolo Maldini leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Massive punt from Lev Yashin, sends the ball sixty yards, Hulk is scrapping for it up top. Hulk launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Hulk was flying. Overlap from the scientist with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

James Bond produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. James Bond finds Michael Jackson between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Michael Jackson sends Hulk into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

Ball in behind from the film producer, Michael Jackson is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The philanthropist jumps the gun on James Bond's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Flash clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. The scientist slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Hulk clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Lev Yashin catapults the ball towards Paolo Maldini from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Burst of pace from Paolo Maldini on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Paolo Maldini puts too much power on his cross, it flies through the box and out for a throw. Lovely claim from Lev Yashin! He comes through traffic and gathers without flinching. Top class goalkeeping. Lev Yashin lumps it long towards James Bond, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

The timing is everything: Flash releases the ball at the perfect moment and Ronaldo explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. The assistant flags Ronaldo offside, it's a matter of inches! Dwayne Johnson kicks the turf in frustration. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

Draw. Jude Bellingham takes the time to shake every Rio Malandro FC player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Paolo Maldini follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Smooth transition from Hulk to Paolo Maldini, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Paolo Maldini takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Paolo Maldini picks up speed and FIIIRES with power! But it is also placed, the keeper can only watch. GOAL!

Corner from Sonic the Hedgehog, it's a MADHOUSE in the box! Three blocks, two ricochets, defense survives! OHHH the goal from James Bond! The keeper was on the floor, the ball was loose, he prods it in at point-blank range. POACHER'S GOAL!

Clearance from Hulk under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Paolo Maldini spreads it to Ronaldo, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Poor decision from Ronaldo on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break.

Monumental ball from Zinedine Zidane to Sonic the Hedgehog, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. The player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Quick exchange between Sonic the Hedgehog and Michael Jackson, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Michael Jackson gives it to Dwayne Johnson into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The film producer plays the one-two with Michael Jackson and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc.

Short corner from the player to Jude Bellingham, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. Jude Bellingham reaches the byline and pulls it back for Sonic the Hedgehog, the low ball fizzes through the area. Oh Sonic the Hedgehog... Flash lays on an absolute peach, the keeper is nowhere, and he puts it wide. Heartbreaking. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Zinedine Zidane winces. Flash looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Hulk has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 28, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' Lev Yashin is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Jude Bellingham gives it to Dwayne Johnson into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Dwayne Johnson spots the gap and sends Ronaldo into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open.

James Bond sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Sonic the Hedgehog. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Sonic the Hedgehog crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed.

Ronaldo spreads it to Sonic the Hedgehog, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now.

Absolutely dreadful! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Lev Yashin mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Hulk does the wave with contortionist grace. Lev Yashin solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

You can feel it coming any second, the stadium holds its breath. Zinedine Zidane meets the cross from Ronaldo with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Long ball from Lev Yashin for Paolo Maldini who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

'I told you so' mode. Lev Yashin eyeballs the Istanbul Cehennem FK bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Sonic the Hedgehog pulls Lev Yashin away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Through ball from the 00 agent for Paolo Maldini, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Paolo Maldini looks for Sonic the Hedgehog but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Phenomenal run from Zinedine Zidane, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

1-1. Lev Yashin and James Bond are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Lev Yashin. "Next time," replies James Bond. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Lev Yashin dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Ground pass from Zinedine Zidane into the free zone for Paolo Maldini, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Paolo Maldini looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Zinedine Zidane fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Ronaldo plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The philanthropist accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Michael Jackson lobs the centre-halves with an inch-perfect cross, Zinedine Zidane arrives centrally behind them. Dream scenario. Zinedine Zidane plants the ball with his head on the gift from Jude Bellingham! The keeper dives but it is too late, GOOOOAL!

'I told you so' mode. Michael Jackson eyeballs the Milano Piano-Piano bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Zinedine Zidane pulls Michael Jackson away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Lev Yashin sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Ronaldo photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

What a block! Paolo Maldini slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Paolo Maldini lights the fuse with a cutting pass for James Bond down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. The flag is up! James Bond offside by a whisker on Flash's pass. That's cruel that is.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Paolo Maldini takes the hit without responding. James Bond drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Now here's a proper one — Lev Yashin was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 189, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' And we are back underway! Jude Bellingham jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Jude Bellingham puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Zinedine Zidane comes steaming in. Magnificent leap from Zinedine Zidane who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Zinedine Zidane bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Zinedine Zidane blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Zinedine Zidane shapes to shoot but plays it short to Ronaldo, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Oh no, it's in! Milano Piano-Piano punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Lev Yashin mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. James Bond plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Lev Yashin applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Lev Yashin smashes a volley towards James Bond, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. James Bond triggers a change of flanks for Michael Jackson, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Quick one-two between Michael Jackson and Hulk, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Lev Yashin distributes by hand to Hulk on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Hulk looks for Ronaldo with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Michael Jackson cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Massive clearance from the philanthropist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

With one swing of the boot, Ronaldo finds Zinedine Zidane on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Pass into no-man's land from Zinedine Zidane, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Flash slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Flash spots Jude Bellingham in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Short pass from the 00 agent to Hulk, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Hulk drops it into space for Dwayne Johnson, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average.

Authoritative clearance from Paolo Maldini in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Ronaldo slips Flash in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Step-overs from Flash, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Sonic the Hedgehog pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Free kick from Sonic the Hedgehog, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report. The film producer delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need.

It's over and Milano Piano-Piano take the points. Lev Yashin shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Ronaldo walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Oh that's terrible! Sevilla Olé-Olé score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Key pass from Michael Jackson! It fizzes between the lines and Zinedine Zidane collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Zinedine Zidane hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

Michael Jackson and Zinedine Zidane do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Lev Yashin arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Unbelievable! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Ronaldo rolls it to Hulk, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Hulk bounces off Zinedine Zidane, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. The scientist produces a phenomenal slalom and scores all on his own! GOAL! In that position, that individual talent is what sets you apart from the rest.

Ronaldo stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Hulk follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Lev Yashin plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Firm pass from Ronaldo into Sonic the Hedgehog, right into the boots. No waste. Sonic the Hedgehog puts Zinedine Zidane in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Zinedine Zidane drills a low ball back for Ronaldo, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Hulk shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Zinedine Zidane picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Now here's a proper one — Hulk was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Ronaldo is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Little shift from Ronaldo to Jude Bellingham, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Jude Bellingham. Held the opponent back by the arm.

Crucial intervention from the film producer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Diagonal from Dwayne Johnson to Paolo Maldini, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality.

Ronaldo finds Paolo Maldini between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Paolo Maldini puts the ball right into the path of Zinedine Zidane, played to the inch, the space is found. Overlap and cross from Zinedine Zidane, the ball drops at the feet of James Bond in the heart of the box. What a scramble from James Bond's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears!

Paolo Maldini brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Paolo Maldini fancies top bins from the free kick but puts it two yards over the bar.

Lev Yashin sparks the transition with a quick throw to James Bond, the break is lightning fast. Decisive interception from James Bond who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but James Bond saw it all.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Wicked through ball from Michael Jackson, the ball skims the grass and finds Ronaldo who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Ronaldo is caught offside from Michael Jackson's through ball. Flag goes up straight away.

Monster clearance from Lev Yashin, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog unleashes a raking ball out to James Bond, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Enormous leap from the 00 agent who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. James Bond boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Long ball from Lev Yashin for Dwayne Johnson who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared. Ronaldo sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Jude Bellingham crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-0 (W)

Huge tackle from James Bond! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. Jude Bellingham chips the ball OVER the keeper! GOAL! That is the PERFECT touch, the PERFECT timing, the PERFECT trajectory. You cannot do it better, that is GENIUS!

James Bond stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Ronaldo follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Lev Yashin plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Enormous anticipation from Hulk who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in.

Paolo Maldini drops a lofted ball to Flash, it sails over the entire midfield line. What a leap from Flash! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

Lovely use of the ball by Jude Bellingham, finding Zinedine Zidane in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Zinedine Zidane floats a cross in from the wing for Hulk, the ball hangs in the box! The cross from Hulk is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. Lev Yashin smashes a volley towards Hulk, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Hulk wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Sonic the Hedgehog. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Just wide from Jude Bellingham, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Lev Yashin finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. The player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre.

The boss pulls Flash aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 28 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Flash just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We're told that Dwayne Johnson once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Paolo Maldini is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Paolo Maldini slips James Bond in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Pinpoint delivery from the 00 agent towards Flash, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Flash crosses and it takes a deflection off the defender's shin. Ball goes out for a throw. Lev Yashin plays it along the ground to Paolo Maldini, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Jude Bellingham sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Ronaldo. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Aerial duel lost by Ronaldo, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head. Jude Bellingham scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The film producer lays it off first time to Zinedine Zidane, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

James Bond picks out Zinedine Zidane with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The referee's whistle goes against Zinedine Zidane, caught the opponent late.

Short pass from the player to Sonic the Hedgehog, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Sonic the Hedgehog beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Oh my word Sonic the Hedgehog fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Lev Yashin throws it out quickly to Jude Bellingham, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Lev Yashin launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Dwayne Johnson after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Raking ball from the film producer to James Bond, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Clean lay-off from the 00 agent to Flash into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Flash plays it back across the box for Sonic the Hedgehog, the low cross is inch-perfect. Superb defensive work from Sonic the Hedgehog there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that!

It's all over and it's OURS! Hulk leads the squad on a lap of honour, clapping every section of the ground. Paolo Maldini picks up a scarf thrown from the stands and wears it like a medal. The stewards have given up trying to keep order. Beautiful chaos. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-0 (W)

Zinedine Zidane gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. Zinedine Zidane winds up and unleashes an APOCALYPTIC strike! The ball explodes in the goal, GOOOOOAL!

Zinedine Zidane sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Hulk snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Lev Yashin waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Zinedine Zidane charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Zinedine Zidane puts way too much on his cross, it sails over everyone's head. Short restart from Lev Yashin to Jude Bellingham, building from the back nice and tidy. Jude Bellingham triggers a change of flanks for Hulk, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Paolo Maldini throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff.

Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now. Dwayne Johnson turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Zinedine Zidane. The defence did not even have time to blink. Zinedine Zidane takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race.

James Bond gives it to Sonic the Hedgehog, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. The 00 agent takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Good ball from the 00 agent to Hulk, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Burst of speed from the scientist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Lev Yashin has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Flash from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Now Lev Yashin — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 189, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' And we are back underway! Lev Yashin jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

High recovery from Ronaldo after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Ronaldo takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. Ronaldo picks out James Bond with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. Zinedine Zidane is stunned, VAR has just turned his yellow into a straight red! Zinedine Zidane has completely lost his head! He's thrown an elbow straight at the opponent's face. Straight red! The free kick is worked short, Zinedine Zidane sets up Sonic the Hedgehog who finds himself in a good position.

Flash and Ronaldo exchange passes on the corner, looking for the opening for a better cross. Ronaldo slides the ball across the ground in the box, Flash arrives for the finish. The player wastes the gift from Zinedine Zidane, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those.

The film producer bounces off James Bond for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Killer ball from Dwayne Johnson through the gap! Flash bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Offside by a toenail for the player, Paolo Maldini can't believe the flag went up. Lev Yashin fires it out quickly by hand to Michael Jackson, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Commanding header from Michael Jackson who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Michael Jackson did not budge an inch.

Dwayne Johnson goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. The free kick from Dwayne Johnson goes wide of the near post. He was aiming for the corner but got it all wrong.

Brilliant! Sonic the Hedgehog goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Zinedine Zidane photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.