My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | My Team | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Houston Blast-Off | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Phoenix No-Defense | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Albert Einstein. An inventor in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their prototype sketch better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Albert Einstein has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the status quo and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
101-121 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal lets fly into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, fumbles the finish from way beyond the arc! Back to the drawing board!
Shaquille O'Neal with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal picks up the cheap foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
A floater by Albert Einstein from downtown! Next-level basketball IQ in every fiber!
The players head to the locker room. Albert Einstein is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Albert Einstein threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
LeBron James slams the damn ball in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Albert Einstein whiffs on the jumper! An inventor off their game with their prototype sketch!
LeBron James sets the screen at the perfect angle! This household name cerebral play!
Shaquille O'Neal blows past but can't sustain the effort! Ego the size of Texas emptying the tank!
Albert Einstein reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.
LeBron James hurls his water bottle at the wall. Michael Jordan flinches but doesn't react. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
121-83 (W)
Tupac Shakur lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
A sky hook from downtown by LeBron James! This beanpole with the long range!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, hits the cutter perfectly! Unreal swagger right on time!
What a shot from Tupac Shakur! An activist bringing their megaphone energy to the venue!
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, switches seamlessly and locks up! That dawg mentality shining through!
Break. Albert Einstein's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Intel: Albert Einstein asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
LeBron James, this big fella, uses strength and skill for an off-balance shot! Complete player!
Albert Einstein stat-pads without shame! Filling the box score like a resume!
LeBron James trips over the basketball! Even this household name has those moments!
Albert Einstein explodes and celebrates! A chest bump at the buzzer! The crowd erupts!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, celebrates the win! A victory dance! What a game!
Tupac Shakur and Michael Jordan share a 30-second hug. LeBron James wants in. Gets pushed away. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-77 (W)
This living legend LeBron James means business! Fast start from downtown!
Albert Einstein hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of an inventor lifting their prototype sketch!
Albert Einstein, this solid build, drops the dime! Freakish explosiveness passing on display!
Michael Jordan dunks and it's a two-handed slam! This franchise cornerstone proving the doubters wrong!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, swats it into the third row! A left-handed block!
Halftime whistle! LeBron James slides down against the hallway wall. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Tupac Shakur with a reverse layup to seal the deal! An activist who always closes!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, is toying with the opposition at the top of the key! Dominant!
LeBron James, this towering presence, gets tangled in the net! This household name stuck!
Shaquille O'Neal with the slide across the hardwood after the and-one! This living legend is fired up!
Tupac Shakur delivers in this top clash! The activist shows up with their megaphone!
Shaquille O'Neal cries tears of joy in Tupac Shakur's arms. LeBron James is also crying but nobody knows why. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
120-93 (W)
Albert Einstein steps onto the court! From revolutionizing the status quo to this, game time!
This generational talent Michael Jordan goes to work from mid-range! A catch-and-shoot triple drops beautifully!
This all-time great Tupac Shakur holds ground from the right corner! Immovable object!
LeBron James with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Next-level basketball IQ on that one!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Halftime. Tupac Shakur glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Rumor has it Tupac Shakur talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Tupac Shakur knocks down a scoop layup from the left corner! Ice in the veins!
LeBron James, this colossus, gets the standing ovation! A crowd fully behind them!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, holds the team together with a gym-rat work ethic! Captain!
LeBron James overcomes the early struggles! This global icon rising like a phoenix!
Albert Einstein tosses the orange in the air! A slide across the hardwood! This global icon mission accomplished!
Tupac Shakur slides across the court in his socks while LeBron James splashes water on everyone. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
132-87 (W)
Tip-off! Tupac Shakur gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, dominates on the low block and puts up a devastating dunk! Unstoppable!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, finds the trailer! A tear drop off the assist, easy money!
A pull-up jumper! Shaquille O'Neal cannot be stopped tonight! This potential GOAT is locked in!
LeBron James anticipates the cut and deflects the ball! This all-time great reading minds!
Halftime! LeBron James looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Rumor has it LeBron James talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Albert Einstein gets the friendly bounce! Even the ball respects an inventor!
Albert Einstein and the garbage time lineup! This all-time great can rest easy!
Albert Einstein tries the behind-the-back and loses it! This hall-of-fame lock too fancy!
Tupac Shakur, this franchise cornerstone, with the too-small gesture! A bench mob celebration! Mismatch!
Tupac Shakur, this generational talent, embraces the teammates! A primal scream! Sweet victory!
LeBron James dumps his Gatorade on Tupac Shakur who screams because it was cold. Michael Jordan piles on. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
129-91 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this all-time great, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
Tupac Shakur drives past the defense for a catch-and-shoot triple! Size advantage from this this tweener!
Michael Jordan threads the needle! Beautiful assist from the right corner! Unreal court vision!
Albert Einstein with the step-back free throw! Creating space like an inventor with their prototype sketch!
Tupac Shakur forces the shot-clock violation! That dawg mentality on full display!
Halftime! Michael Jordan is limping slightly heading off the court. Confession: Michael Jordan believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Michael Jordan buries an off-balance shot along the baseline! This household name is on fire tonight!
This first-ballot legend Shaquille O'Neal puts the exclamation point! An and-one off the pick and roll!
Michael Jordan drives and the leather goes into the stands! Free souvenir!
Tupac Shakur mimes rallying after scoring! The crowd loves it!
Shaquille O'Neal hugs the coach! This household name with a complete performance!
LeBron James does a handstand. Albert Einstein holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
120-84 (W)
LeBron James fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified GOAT candidate starting strong!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, reads the play perfectly and delivers a scoop layup!
Shaquille O'Neal fires away and dishes! Gorgeous feed facing the rim! Insane court vision!
A buzzer-beater from Tupac Shakur! This potential GOAT reminding everyone why they're on top!
Tupac Shakur rotates beautifully! Spinning with precision worthy of their megaphone!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Michael Jordan to massage his thighs. Bus driver's confession: Michael Jordan raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Michael Jordan, this living legend, operates back to the basket with a fadeaway jumper! Clinic!
Michael Jordan explodes and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, steps on the teammate's foot! Down goes this living legend!
LeBron James taps the logo on the jersey! A victory dance! That's pride right there!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, acknowledges the fans! A hostile crowd! A salute to the fans!
LeBron James cries tears of joy in Michael Jordan's arms. Tupac Shakur is also crying but nobody knows why. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
119-73 (W)
The game begins and Shaquille O'Neal is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
A hook shot from Tupac Shakur! This guy with rings on every finger just keeps delivering!
Shaquille O'Neal explodes the Wilson through traffic! What a pass by this living legend!
Tupac Shakur, this household name, drops a fadeaway jumper in the paint! Pure artistry!
Michael Jordan, this global icon, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
Halftime. The doctor examines Tupac Shakur's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know? Tupac Shakur tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, sinks a hook shot with surgical precision under the basket!
LeBron James even the deep bench is scoring! Complete team effort tonight!
Tupac Shakur just tried to use their megaphone on the leather! Wrong equipment, right energy!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, cups the ear to the crowd! A victory dance! They want more!
This household name Michael Jordan thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Tupac Shakur and Albert Einstein attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Michael Jordan films the whole thing. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
109-87 (W)
Michael Jordan takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal capitalizes from mid-range! A pull-up jumper with nerves of steel!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, with the clutch ball recovery! The crowd is on its feet!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
This living legend Michael Jordan switches defensive assignments on the fly! Nerves of steel!
Break! Michael Jordan heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: Michael Jordan tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Michael Jordan attacks the Spalding with insane court vision. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Shaquille O'Neal dribbles and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Tupac Shakur takes the blame for the mistake! This franchise cornerstone protecting teammates!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! Immense pressure!
Albert Einstein, this versatile guy, takes the final bow! A primal scream! Dominant display!
Tupac Shakur points both hands at the sky. LeBron James points at Tupac Shakur. Michael Jordan points at the exit. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-94 (W)
Tupac Shakur locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an activist who means business!
Shaquille O'Neal times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A sky-high block from downtown!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, gets stuffed trying a layup! Denied!
LeBron James catches fire! And it's a pull-up jumper! Nerves of steel taking over!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
The players head to the locker room. Tupac Shakur is sweating like a racehorse. Juicy anecdote: Tupac Shakur was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, orchestrates the last possession! A scoop layup! Perfection!
Tupac Shakur, this potential GOAT, shuts down the play facing the rim! Lockdown defender!
Standing room only! A standing ovation as Michael Jordan takes over facing the rim!
Albert Einstein, this swiss-army-knife type, with the late-game finger roll! A gym-rat work ethic shining through!
Michael Jordan sits on the bench with a smile! This living legend job well done!
Albert Einstein runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Shaquille O'Neal follows doing the wave alone. Tonight I learned Albert Einstein used to be an inventor before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
103-97 (W)
Albert Einstein stretches center court! Loosening up, the inventor is getting ready!
Michael Jordan with the highlight-reel sky hook! This living legend owning the moment!
Albert Einstein clamps down! Tighter than an inventor's grip on their prototype sketch!
Albert Einstein spots the mismatch! Eagle-eyed like an inventor inspecting the status quo!
LeBron James dunks into the right spacing! Freakish explosiveness and elite court awareness!
Off to the locker room. Tupac Shakur has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Tupac Shakur has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Michael Jordan, this long boy, posts up and delivers a free throw! Textbook!
LeBron James drives in front of the home faithful! A Finals-like atmosphere! Beautiful!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan swings the pill around! An off-the-charts basketball IQ ball movement!
This is the Shaquille O'Neal game! This living legend taking over in the second quarter!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, salutes the faithful! A salute to the fans! What a night!
LeBron James performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Michael Jordan imitates it. It's worse. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
111-97 (W)
And we're underway! Michael Jordan touches the rock first! This certified GOAT candidate looks eager!
Albert Einstein attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Tupac Shakur blankets the shooter! Covering them with their megaphone thoroughness!
This all-time great LeBron James with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Tupac Shakur, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Back in the locker room, Albert Einstein sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote of the day: Albert Einstein forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
A double-clutch layup by LeBron James! The building is rocking! This household name takeover!
Post-game fireworks for Albert Einstein! Brighter than their prototype sketch on a perfect day!
Shaquille O'Neal celebrates the team's success! This potential GOAT knows together is better!
LeBron James, this big fella, sets the tone with iron discipline! Leader!
This hall-of-fame lock Albert Einstein wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Albert Einstein and Michael Jordan fake a wrestling match. LeBron James plays the referee and calls a timeout. Tonight I learned Albert Einstein used to be an inventor before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
120-102 (W)
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Michael Jordan with the tough hook shot through contact! This hall-of-fame lock won't be denied!
Shaquille O'Neal plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this undisputed superstar!
Michael Jordan with the incredible court vision! This household name sees passes nobody else does!
Tupac Shakur takes off to the right spot! Ridiculous creativity off-ball movement!
Well-deserved break. Albert Einstein looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Albert Einstein once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Tupac Shakur spins with the precision of an activist at work. And it's an off-balance shot!
A crowd fully behind them as Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, is introduced! Goosebumps!
LeBron James, this titan, repositions on defense! A killer instinct collective effort!
This living legend Michael Jordan silences the noise! An unmatched feel for the game locked in! Nothing else matters!
Shaquille O'Neal, this basketball god, points to the crowd! A raised fist! This was for the fans!
Shaquille O'Neal takes Tupac Shakur by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
100-102 (L)
Tupac Shakur announces themselves! The activist has arrived and the building knows it!
LeBron James scores at will! A scoop layup facing the rim! This living legend domination!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Injury-prone body!
Tupac Shakur sparks the comeback! A sky hook in the paint! This all-time great leads the charge!
End of the second quarter. Tupac Shakur is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. True story: Tupac Shakur had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, gets blocked in the clutch! A clutch steal denies this first-ballot legend!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
This is Albert Einstein's chapter: the inventor who rose from the status quo to stardom!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal misses the free throws! Lack of consistency at the line!
Albert Einstein sits alone on the bench. This first-ballot legend processing the defeat.
Tupac Shakur's eyes are red, jaw tight. Albert Einstein apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
101-90 (W)
This guy with rings on every finger Albert Einstein catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Michael Jordan with the smooth layup! This hall-of-fame lock making it look easy!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, blankets the shooter off the pick and roll! No daylight!
Albert Einstein with the transition assist! This all-time great pushing the pace with silky smooth technique!
Albert Einstein, this first-ballot legend, manipulates the defense with the eyes! An unmatched feel for the game!
The players disappear. Michael Jordan has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: Michael Jordan asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, showcases insane court vision with a gorgeous buzzer beater!
The crowd chants Tupac Shakur's name! A standing ovation for the activist with their megaphone!
Shaquille O'Neal makes the extra pass! This hall-of-fame lock hockey assist for a tear drop!
The stadium knows it! Albert Einstein is special! This absolute legend writing legacy!
That's the game! Tupac Shakur finishes with a monster performance! This generational talent victorious!
Michael Jordan improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Albert Einstein plays the imaginary violin. Behind the scenes, I learned Albert Einstein was also an inventor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
My Team finishes #2, a fantastic season! 13W-2L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Albert Einstein. An inventor in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their prototype sketch better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Albert Einstein has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the status quo and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
My Team finishes #2, a fantastic season! 13W-2L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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