My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Shaquille O'Neal. The man. The beast. Standing at 216 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Juice Wrld. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
94-100 (L)
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
Juice Wrld shanks it from the left wing! Spitting the fiery bars uses different muscles!
Lord Voldemort with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
This world-class player Lord Voldemort bites on the fake! Beaten at half court!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, glides to from downtown for a silky euro-step!
End of the first act. Michael Jordan is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Shaquille O'Neal storms to the bench! This global icon is visibly upset!
Lord Voldemort dribbles but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
This big-name player Lord Voldemort can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James leaves the venue with head held high. Fought to the end.
Lord Voldemort chews his nails on the bench. Michael Jordan stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
131-85 (W)
Michael Jordan lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this all-time great!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan capitalizes from downtown! A catch-and-shoot triple with a gym-rat work ethic!
LeBron James dribbles the Spalding through traffic! What a pass by this certified GOAT candidate!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, posts up and delivers a floater! Textbook!
Juice Wrld sprints to close out! A monster swat from way beyond the arc! Great effort!
Back in the locker room, Michael Jordan sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Michael Jordan once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal does it again! A fadeaway jumper with effortless precision!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
Michael Jordan does the victory dance at halftime! This certified GOAT candidate getting ahead of themselves!
LeBron James pumps the fist! This undisputed superstar feeling it facing the rim! A victory dance!
Final buzzer! Michael Jordan is the hero! This living legend with a game for the ages!
Juice Wrld takes Shaquille O'Neal by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
110-91 (W)
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, is introduced and the arena explodes! This basketball god is in the building!
Juice Wrld scoops it up and in! The touch of a rapper with the fiery bars!
Lord Voldemort covers acres of the court! The endurance of a fictional tyrant on a double shift!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, runs the offense with unreal swagger! Beautiful passing!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, manages the clock beautifully in the first half!
Into the tunnel. Lord Voldemort grabs a banana on the way and devours it. True story: Lord Voldemort had his parking spot stolen by Orlando Magic-Beans's mascot. Still talks about it. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
A step-back three by Shaquille O'Neal! The crowd erupts! Pure God-given talent personified!
Lord Voldemort, this smooth operator, gets the standing ovation! Palpable tension!
LeBron James finds the open teammate! This household name making everyone better!
Shaquille O'Neal is writing the story tonight! This hall-of-fame lock with a floater at half court!
That's the game! Lord Voldemort finishes with a monster performance! This certified bucket victorious!
Juice Wrld and Shaquille O'Neal stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Shaquille O'Neal. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
127-82 (W)
Juice Wrld, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
LeBron James attacks from the right corner and finishes with a buzzer-beater! Too good!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Next-level basketball IQ!
A reverse layup from downtown by Michael Jordan! This titan with the long range!
This established star Lord Voldemort anchors the defense driving to the hoop! Nothing gets through!
Halftime whistle. Lord Voldemort flops into the first available chair. Did you know Lord Voldemort plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, overpowers for an alley-oop! Size matters!
This basketball god LeBron James and the team deliver a masterpiece! A euro-step! Perfection!
Shaquille O'Neal shoots a full-court shot and almost makes it! This first-ballot legend so close!
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, with the primal scream! A fist pump toward the bench! Raw emotion!
Shaquille O'Neal, this undisputed superstar, high-fives the bench! A fist pump toward the bench! Team effort!
Lord Voldemort and LeBron James swing Shaquille O'Neal around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. I learned backstage that Shaquille O'Neal also does fictional tyrant on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
127-91 (W)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, uses strength and skill for a pull-up jumper! Complete player!
Juice Wrld dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this rapper!
Juice Wrld explodes at half court with the same confidence they bring to spitting the fiery bars.
Juice Wrld wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a rapper on the clock!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Lord Voldemort walks head down toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Lord Voldemort has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, with the exclamation-point pull-up jumper! Game changer!
Juice Wrld mercy-rules them! Even a rapper wouldn't be this ruthless!
Michael Jordan, this tower, accidentally passes to the ref! Nice assist this guy with rings on every finger!
Michael Jordan drives and celebrates! A hug with the coach driving to the hoop! The crowd erupts!
Lord Voldemort soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a fictional tyrant savoring glory!
Shaquille O'Neal and Lord Voldemort pretend to fish Juice Wrld out of the crowd. They pull hard. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-78 (W)
Juice Wrld looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
Michael Jordan crosses over past everyone for a double-clutch layup! This titan on a mission!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, drops the dime! Nerves of steel passing on display!
This global icon LeBron James goes to work from way beyond the arc! A double-clutch layup drops beautifully!
Juice Wrld closes out perfectly! Precise as spitting the fiery bars!
Finally a breather. LeBron James has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: LeBron James lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal with a picture-perfect buzzer-beater! The crowd goes wild!
This generational talent LeBron James puts the exclamation point! A bank shot facing the rim!
LeBron James dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This franchise cornerstone oops!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, takes a bow! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! This guy with rings on every finger knows that was special!
LeBron James, this colossus, takes the final bow! A slide across the hardwood! Dominant display!
Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan carry LeBron James like a trophy across the entire court. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-110 (L)
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, draws first blood! A fadeaway jumper to start!
Juice Wrld forces up an and-one over the defense! Injury-prone body! Bad decision!
Juice Wrld, this tweener, commits the travel! Shaky emotions under pressure in the footwork!
LeBron James gets crossed over! This first-ballot legend left frozen from way beyond the arc!
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, operates from the right corner with a hook shot! Clinic!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Juice Wrld picks up the pace. Little secret: Juice Wrld watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Michael Jordan goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This global icon losing composure!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal puts up a fadeaway jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Night-in night-out consistency!
Juice Wrld labors up the court! Trudging like a rapper dragging the fiery bars!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This absolute legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James hurls his water bottle at the wall. Juice Wrld flinches but doesn't react. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
110-87 (W)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see that dawg mentality written all over his face!
Shaquille O'Neal steps back the Wilson with scary good handles. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Juice Wrld, this guy with a proven track record, walls up at the buzzer! Impenetrable defense!
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, sets the table in transition! Assist master!
This well-respected player Juice Wrld with the savvy veteran play! An unmatched feel for the game experience showing!
Halftime whistle! Shaquille O'Neal slides down against the hallway wall. Intel: Shaquille O'Neal once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back! The players look fired up.
A bank shot from Lord Voldemort! This All-Star caliber talent reminding everyone why they're on top!
Michael Jordan soaks in a hostile crowd! This generational talent living for these moments!
This absolute legend LeBron James dives for the loose ball! Eyes in the back of the head on every play!
Shaquille O'Neal is the protagonist tonight! This global icon authoring a masterpiece!
Juice Wrld sits on the bench with a smile! This respected competitor job well done!
Lord Voldemort does the robot at center court while Michael Jordan pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
108-86 (W)
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Michael Jordan scores with night-in night-out consistency. A pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! Too smooth!
Lord Voldemort slides to the passing lane and steals it! Eyes in the back of the head!
Michael Jordan reads the defense like a book! Assist driving to the hoop! That dawg mentality!
This absolute legend LeBron James attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Rest time. Lord Voldemort isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Exclusive info: Lord Voldemort is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
What a play by Lord Voldemort! A bucket from the right corner! This max-contract guy is cooking!
LeBron James, this giant, basks in an electric crowd! This is home!
Shaquille O'Neal, this beanpole, repositions on defense! Silky smooth technique collective effort!
Lord Voldemort becomes the symbol of this trap game, a fictional tyrant defying all the odds!
Final buzzer! Juice Wrld's rapper shift on the venue ends in triumph!
Lord Voldemort and Shaquille O'Neal share a 30-second hug. Michael Jordan wants in. Gets pushed away. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
107-90 (W)
LeBron James lets fly into position! This living legend not wasting any time!
Michael Jordan buries a devastating dunk driving to the hoop! This guy with rings on every finger is on fire tonight!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, walls off the drive back to the basket! No way through!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, surveys and delivers! Scary good handles in the playmaking!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
End of the first half. Lord Voldemort is beet red but still standing. Little scoop: Lord Voldemort logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Michael Jordan lets fly to the rack for a pull-up jumper! Can't contain this 7-footer!
Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, plays to the crowd! Immense pressure is contagious!
LeBron James, this basketball god, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, has been building to this all game! At the jump ball!
Juice Wrld caps a perfect night! Clean as a rapper on their best day!
Lord Voldemort does the floss while Michael Jordan spins like a top. LeBron James just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
108-93 (W)
This name that's buzzing Juice Wrld catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
A two-handed slam from LeBron James! Another dagger! This undisputed superstar closing the door!
Michael Jordan plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this hall-of-fame lock!
Shaquille O'Neal with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! A killer instinct on that one!
LeBron James, this living legend, orchestrates the delay game! Nerves of steel in action!
The players head in. Lord Voldemort slips on the wet tunnel floor. Confession: Lord Voldemort tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Juice Wrld, this legit talent, drills another deep three in transition! Automatic!
The arena trembles! Shaquille O'Neal with the play and palpable tension follows!
Shaquille O'Neal sprints back on defense! This all-time great leading by example!
What a journey for LeBron James! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, celebrates the win! A team high-five! What a game!
Michael Jordan and LeBron James form a tunnel for Shaquille O'Neal to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
119-94 (W)
Michael Jordan takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Lord Voldemort converts a tough buzzer beater from downtown! Skill level: elite!
This guy everybody knows Lord Voldemort with the weak-side defensive rebound! Incredible help!
Lord Voldemort with the hockey assist! That extra pass, beautiful basketball!
Juice Wrld exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their hot mic acumen!
First half is done. LeBron James is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know LeBron James knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Shaquille O'Neal knocks down a devastating dunk facing the rim! Ice in the veins!
This potential GOAT LeBron James gets the crowd into it! A roaring arena at fever pitch!
Michael Jordan pulls up the basketball with patience! This all-time great trusting the system!
Lord Voldemort brings the game wisdom to the venue tactics!
Juice Wrld gets the post-game interview! 'It's like spitting the fiery bars,' they say!
Lord Voldemort mimes popping a champagne bottle. LeBron James mimes chugging straight from it. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-107 (L)
Juice Wrld stretches center court! Loosening up, the rapper is getting ready!
Juice Wrld fires and misses from under the basket. Should have stuck with the fiery bars!
LeBron James coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to rush strikes again back to the basket!
Juice Wrld can't stay in front! Spitting the fiery bars doesn't build lateral quickness!
LeBron James penetrates through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Coach calls everyone back. Juice Wrld drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Juice Wrld plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Juice Wrld picks up the second technical! This next-level player ejected! Ego the size of Texas!
Brick! Shaquille O'Neal misfires from way beyond the arc! Heavy feet at the worst time!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Lord Voldemort finds a second wind! The fictional tyrant engine roars back to life!
This guy everybody knows Lord Voldemort shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Juice Wrld clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Shaquille O'Neal fidgets with his wristband nervously. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
104-115 (L)
Lord Voldemort locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a fictional tyrant who means business!
Juice Wrld, this swiss-army-knife type, bobbles the Spalding and the chance evaporates at half court!
Shaquille O'Neal with a wild pass that sails out! This living legend giving it away!
Lord Voldemort gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Juice Wrld rises and fires! Spitting the fiery bars never felt this athletic!
Off to the locker room. LeBron James has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: LeBron James watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Shaquille O'Neal spins angrily after the turnover! This generational talent spiraling!
Shaquille O'Neal dishes but it's well off! Lack of consistency under fatigue!
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, manipulates the defense with the eyes! A gym-rat work ethic!
Michael Jordan bends over during the dead ball! This guy with rings on every finger gathering what's left!
This living legend LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Shaquille O'Neal collapses into the first available chair. Lord Voldemort stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-104 (L)
Michael Jordan opens with a thunderous slam! This certified GOAT candidate making an early statement!
Juice Wrld can't convert! The rapper's touch with the fiery bars deserted them!
Lord Voldemort loses possession! The game never leaves a fictional tyrant's hands like that!
Michael Jordan loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Lord Voldemort hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a fictional tyrant lifting their bare hands!
Coach calls everyone back. Juice Wrld drags his feet toward the tunnel. Exclusive: Juice Wrld was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. We're back! The players look fired up.
Lord Voldemort tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the fictional tyrant will bounce back!
Lord Voldemort gets a clean look but limited stamina costs the bucket!
Lord Voldemort uses the hesitation dribble! Pure God-given talent creating separation!
Michael Jordan asks for the ball to slow the pace! This undisputed superstar needs air!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Lord Voldemort bites the inside of his cheek. Michael Jordan pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Shaquille O'Neal. The man. The beast. Standing at 216 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Juice Wrld. The man. Is. A rapper. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A rapper. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their hot mic and apparently, the technical motion of a rapper and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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