My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jesus Christ is on this team. Jesus Christ, who is a messiah and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-124 (L)
Game time! Muhammad and this household name ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
DJ Khaled sends it wide! Their mixing console wouldn't forgive that either!
Muhammad trips up in beyond the arc! A military leader never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a messiah chasing the game!
DJ Khaled explodes the towel! This seasoned vet showing heavy feet!
Back to the locker room. Jesus Christ's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Jesus Christ tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This global icon Muhammad throws up a prayer on the low block! Not answered!
The Buddha bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a religious founder after their bare hands overtime!
DJ Khaled dribbles it off their foot! Their mixing console would never betray a record producer like that!
DJ Khaled tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the record producer will bounce back!
This absolute legend Edgar Allan Poe tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Edgar Allan Poe's face is locked shut, zero emotion. The Buddha hides his eyes under a towel. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
104-105 (L)
Muhammad, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
DJ Khaled, this tweener, showcases that dawg mentality with a gorgeous pull-up jumper!
Jesus Christ gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Muhammad takes a tough half-court heave and it doesn't go! Hot head in shot selection!
This household name Edgar Allan Poe rallies the troops! The team feeds off nerves of steel!
Break! The Buddha takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Confession: The Buddha believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Edgar Allan Poe dribbles into trouble! Lost out there like a playwright on the wrong floor!
DJ Khaled mouths off on the decisive possession! A record producer venting about the raw track!
Win or lose, Edgar Allan Poe has earned respect tonight! This guy with rings on every finger warrior spirit!
Muhammad fouls at the worst time! A military leader tripping over the war front!
Jesus Christ fires away past the media. This household name not in the mood to talk.
Muhammad pulls his cap down over his eyes. DJ Khaled doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-111 (L)
DJ Khaled checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Muhammad misses! Even a military leader can't fix that shot!
Edgar Allan Poe launches the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this franchise cornerstone!
This generational talent The Buddha caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
The Buddha strings together a thunderous slam from mid-range. That dawg mentality on full display!
Coach calls everyone back. Edgar Allan Poe drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know? Edgar Allan Poe once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
The Buddha slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a religious founder hits the workbench!
Muhammad launches from deep and misses! A military leader's range doesn't apply here!
Muhammad makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true military leader!
The Buddha short-arms the shot from fatigue! This once-in-a-lifetime player has nothing left!
The Buddha had the chances but couldn't convert. This all-time great left wanting.
Muhammad mutters while walking out. Jesus Christ watches from the corner of his eye, worried. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
102-89 (W)
The Buddha, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
A step-back three from Muhammad along the baseline! That's a statement right there!
Muhammad contests every shot! Relentless as a military leader with the war front!
Muhammad, this do-it-all player, finds the rolling big man! A sky hook off the assist!
The Buddha draws the double team! Attracting attention, the religious founder is a magnet out there!
The players disappear. Edgar Allan Poe has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Edgar Allan Poe watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Muhammad scoops it up and in! The touch of a military leader with the war front!
This guy with a proven track record DJ Khaled acknowledges the fans! An incredible energy of mutual respect!
Edgar Allan Poe plays their role perfectly! Role player, role playwright with their fountain pen!
The Buddha is the protagonist tonight! This franchise cornerstone authoring a masterpiece!
DJ Khaled, this versatile guy, celebrates the win! A victory dance! What a game!
Muhammad and Jesus Christ fake a wrestling match. The Buddha plays the referee and calls a timeout. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does playwright on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-102 (L)
The Buddha gets the starting nod! A religious founder starting with their bare hands confidence!
DJ Khaled gets blocked! Rejected harder than a record producer's worst day on the job!
Turnover by Muhammad! Rallying the war front requires less coordination, clearly!
DJ Khaled caught flat-footed! Standing still, the record producer reflexes took a nap!
Jesus Christ drops an and-one from beyond the arc! Range that would impress any messiah!
Break! The Buddha has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Fun fact: The Buddha tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
DJ Khaled, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Jesus Christ launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the game, and it shows!
Muhammad spaces the floor! Making room out there like a military leader clears the workspace!
The Buddha misses from fatigue! This potential GOAT can't get the elevation in transition!
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Defense that's basically a suggestion at the wrong moments.
DJ Khaled lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jesus Christ holds his in. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
99-122 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This first-ballot legend Muhammad shanks a euro-step from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Edgar Allan Poe, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
The Buddha, this swiss-army-knife type, lets the shooter get free in transition! Costly lapse!
This living legend Jesus Christ with a vintage half-court heave! The old magic is still there!
The players disappear. Jesus Christ has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
This first-ballot legend Edgar Allan Poe whiffs on a buzzer beater! The crowd groans!
The Buddha uses the hesitation dribble! Freakish explosiveness creating separation!
Edgar Allan Poe is running on fumes! The playwright tank is completely empty!
Jesus Christ leaves the field house quietly! Quiet as a messiah after the game setback!
Jesus Christ's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Edgar Allan Poe breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jesus Christ's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-110 (L)
Jesus Christ blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This household name locked in!
DJ Khaled, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Muhammad with the careless pass! Rallying the war front with more care, please!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Edgar Allan Poe picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
This established player DJ Khaled punishes the defense with a finger roll from way beyond the arc!
Break time. Edgar Allan Poe bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Edgar Allan Poe threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
The Buddha posts up and kicks the stanchion! This franchise cornerstone losing composure!
This potential GOAT Muhammad muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!
The Buddha makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a religious founder behind the game!
The Buddha plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
Jesus Christ takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. The Buddha follows the same path. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-105 (L)
This hooper's hooper DJ Khaled catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
The Buddha steps back the Wilson into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
DJ Khaled coughs it up! A record producer's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Edgar Allan Poe, this do-it-all player, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Edgar Allan Poe finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a playwright who's running late!
Halftime whistle. The Buddha spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know The Buddha entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
The Buddha, this certified GOAT candidate, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
The Buddha with the contested step-back three at the buzzer! No good! Bad selection!
DJ Khaled manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their mixing console on the raw track!
Jesus Christ drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
This generational talent Edgar Allan Poe stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this generational talent wanted.
The Buddha collapses into the first available chair. Muhammad stays standing, eyes glazed over. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-116 (L)
This first-ballot legend Edgar Allan Poe comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater at half court!
Jesus Christ forces a bad buzzer-beater! This guy with rings on every finger needs to trust teammates!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
DJ Khaled loses their assignment! Like losing their mixing console in the workshop!
The Buddha scores the go-ahead! A religious founder who always finishes the job on time!
The players file out. DJ Khaled exchanges a tense look with the coach. Locker room anecdote: DJ Khaled talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
The Buddha slams the leather in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
DJ Khaled forces a free throw driving to the hoop! This player making noise trying too hard!
Muhammad adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran military leader!
Edgar Allan Poe cramps up! Muscles tight from their fountain pen and the Wilson double duty!
Edgar Allan Poe looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a playwright!
Muhammad looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. DJ Khaled looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-118 (L)
Tip-off! DJ Khaled gets us started! Let's go!
Muhammad can't buy a bucket! Another miss in the paint! Frustrating!
DJ Khaled, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from way beyond the arc!
The Buddha loses the battle in the paint! Being a religious founder doesn't help you here!
Muhammad steps back the basketball into a euro-step! Natural-born leadership shining through!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Jesus Christ slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Muhammad argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the war front!
The Buddha misfires! The religious founder's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Muhammad dishes to the right spot! Freakish explosiveness off-ball movement!
Edgar Allan Poe finds a second wind! The playwright engine roars back to life!
Muhammad walks off in defeat! Even a military leader's skills couldn't save tonight!
DJ Khaled refuses the coach's embrace. Jesus Christ accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-117 (L)
Muhammad starts in the small forward! Playing the small forward the way a military leader plays with the battle standard!
Jesus Christ fires an alley-oop from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
The Buddha passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
The Buddha gets crossed over! This hall-of-fame lock left frozen from downtown!
DJ Khaled pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The record producer in them is showing!
Off to the locker room. Muhammad has already drained two water bottles. Fun fact: Muhammad tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Muhammad bricks it! Not the same accuracy as rallying the war front!
DJ Khaled gulps water! As thirsty as a record producer reaching for the raw track!
Muhammad turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this military leader!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
Muhammad, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Muhammad refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Jesus Christ offers a limp one with just his fingertips. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
110-106 (W)
Muhammad drives onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
The Buddha with a defensive rebound! The reflexes of a religious founder catching the game!
The Buddha sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this religious founder!
The Buddha drills it from the right corner! That religious founder precision with their bare hands pays off!
This living legend The Buddha calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Halftime whistle! Muhammad grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Rumor has it Muhammad does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Jesus Christ hits nothing but net! A half-court heave in the final quarter! An unmatched feel for the game!
Edgar Allan Poe sprints to close out! A rebound in traffic along the baseline! Great effort!
The crowd is on its feet! A hostile crowd as Muhammad takes the court!
This hall-of-fame lock Muhammad converts the free throws under pressure! Next-level basketball IQ under pressure!
Edgar Allan Poe, this household name, points to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! This was for the fans!
Edgar Allan Poe and DJ Khaled stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-130 (L)
Muhammad lands the first buzzer beater! First blood! The military leader strikes first!
Edgar Allan Poe misfires on the floater! Too much float, the playwright touch abandoned them!
Muhammad charges right into the defender! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas when controlling pace!
Edgar Allan Poe gives up the easy bucket! Easier than crafting the gripping act!
Edgar Allan Poe throws their hands up! Like a playwright when their fountain pen breaks!
Coach calls everyone back. Jesus Christ drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Jesus Christ tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Muhammad misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the war front!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
DJ Khaled turns it over on the inbound pass! A record producer dropping their mixing console at the worst time!
Jesus Christ picks up the second technical! This absolute legend ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
The Buddha refuses to make excuses! A religious founder owns the game failures too!
Edgar Allan Poe takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. DJ Khaled doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-131 (L)
DJ Khaled, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
The Buddha rattles it out! Shaking the temple of basketball with their bare hands intensity!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass from the left corner!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
Edgar Allan Poe gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Well-deserved break. Edgar Allan Poe looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know Edgar Allan Poe plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Muhammad misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the battle standard at the war front!
DJ Khaled, this respected competitor, sucking wind after that sprint! The four quarters of battle!
The Buddha throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the religious founder got too confident!
DJ Khaled storms to the bench! Heated! This record producer doesn't handle losing well!
Muhammad hangs their head! A military leader who gave everything they had!
Edgar Allan Poe refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. DJ Khaled watches it and immediately regrets it. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-123 (L)
This generational talent The Buddha opens the scoring! A catch-and-shoot triple! Early advantage!
DJ Khaled can't connect! Their mixing console in hand, sure. The Spalding through the hoop, nope!
The Buddha with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Jesus Christ beaten to the spot! Slower than a messiah on a Monday morning!
The Buddha vents at their teammates! The religious founder who vents about the game!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Muhammad fires and misses facing the rim. Should have stuck with the war front!
Muhammad leans on their knees! Gassed, but the military leader keeps going!
Edgar Allan Poe with the backcourt violation! This all-time great under too much pressure!
This living legend Jesus Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Edgar Allan Poe tips the cap to the winners! The playwright's grace with the gripping act!
Jesus Christ refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. DJ Khaled watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I had a revelation: DJ Khaled runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Jesus Christ is on this team. Jesus Christ, who is a messiah and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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