My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Donald Trump on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 190 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited George W. Bush. An officer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an officer, with their command saber, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that George W. Bush has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the field platoon with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
88-132 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Ronald Reagan comes out aggressive! Opens with a double-clutch layup in transition!
Donald Trump launches and misses! The basketball isn't the risky picture, and it shows!
George W. Bush coughs up the ball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again facing the rim!
Donald Trump can't stay in front! Greenlighting the risky picture doesn't build lateral quickness!
This first-ballot legend Joe Biden stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime. The doctor examines Donald Trump's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Small detail: Donald Trump whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Barack Obama can't convert the open shot! Rallying the neighborhood is way easier!
Ronald Reagan, this absolute legend, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
This all-time great Joe Biden dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Joe Biden vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
George W. Bush walks off in defeat! Even an officer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Ronald Reagan rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. George W. Bush picks up his own and folds it carefully. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
111-110 (W)
George W. Bush stretches center court! Loosening up, the officer is getting ready!
Joe Biden locks down their opponent! Tight as a university professor gripping their lecture notes!
A pull-up jumper from Ronald Reagan catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Barack Obama catches fire! And it's a euro-step! Insane court vision taking over!
Ronald Reagan reads the defense perfectly! Unreal swagger and a sky-high basketball IQ!
End of the first half. Ronald Reagan is beet red but still standing. Intel: Ronald Reagan asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, comes through when called upon! Right from the tip-off! Star!
Barack Obama with the denial defense! This absolute legend not giving an inch!
A boiling cauldron spikes every time Ronald Reagan touches the ball! The movie actor effect!
Joe Biden with the dagger bank shot! This potential GOAT buries the opposition!
This certified GOAT candidate Joe Biden is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan form a tunnel for Barack Obama to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-102 (L)
George W. Bush, this tweener, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
George W. Bush misses the layup! Even the field platoon would have gone in easier!
Sloppy handling by Donald Trump! Greenlighting the risky picture is done with more finesse!
George W. Bush left in the dust! Even an officer moves faster than that!
Barack Obama attacks in the paint and finishes with a floater! Too good!
Cut! Halftime. George W. Bush's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: George W. Bush lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Ronald Reagan misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the film character!
Ronald Reagan goes small-ball! Adapting like a movie actor who reads the room!
George W. Bush barely gets back on defense! Moving like an officer on a Friday afternoon!
This undisputed superstar Ronald Reagan stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this undisputed superstar wanted.
Ronald Reagan stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Donald Trump comes back to get him. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
108-105 (W)
Ronald Reagan opens with a buzzer-beater! This generational talent making an early statement!
Barack Obama, this once-in-a-lifetime player, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
George W. Bush launches a floater and... Airball! Shaky emotions under pressure at its peak!
George W. Bush banks it in under the basket! An officer's steady hand at work!
This undisputed superstar Joe Biden runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Back to the locker room. Barack Obama's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Staff confession: Barack Obama is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Ronald Reagan, this little guy, comes up big! A hook shot in the money time! Legend!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, contests everything from mid-range! Next-level basketball IQ on full display!
Deafening noise! Donald Trump spins and the building shakes!
Barack Obama sinks it when it counts! Money time for this community organizer!
Barack Obama has the last say! Final word from a community organizer about the neighborhood!
George W. Bush dumps his Gatorade on Donald Trump who screams because it was cold. Barack Obama piles on. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
100-124 (L)
Joe Biden sets the tone early! The university professor came to play tonight!
Barack Obama misses! Even a community organizer can't fix that shot!
Joe Biden dribbles into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
George W. Bush, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free from the left corner! Costly lapse!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, dominates at half court and puts up a buzzer-beater! Unstoppable!
The players head in. George W. Bush slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know George W. Bush entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Ronald Reagan steps back the towel! This potential GOAT showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
George W. Bush posts up the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this franchise cornerstone!
Joe Biden communicates the switch! Clear as a university professor's instructions!
Barack Obama leans on their knees! Gassed, but the community organizer keeps going!
Despite the loss, George W. Bush held their own with the field platoon! The officer fought!
Barack Obama pulls his cap down over his eyes. Joe Biden doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
99-117 (L)
George W. Bush, this first-ballot legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Donald Trump rattles it out! Shaking the gym with their loaded checkbook intensity!
Ronald Reagan botches the handoff! Even the script binder exchanges go smoother!
Barack Obama loses their assignment! Like losing their bullhorn in the workshop!
Ronald Reagan hooks it in! The arc of a movie actor swinging the script binder!
Both teams head in. Donald Trump has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Donald Trump knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Los Angeles Nursing-Home's colors. By accident, obviously. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Joe Biden slams the rock in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Donald Trump, this basketball god, comes up empty! A deep three off target at the buzzer!
Joe Biden uses the hesitation dribble! Eyes in the back of the head creating separation!
Ronald Reagan is gassed! More tired than after a full day of portraying the film character!
Ronald Reagan, this little firecracker, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Donald Trump's eyes are red, jaw tight. Barack Obama apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned that Donald Trump's father was a film producer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-105 (L)
George W. Bush, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, takes over in the paint. A free throw! That's elite!
Joe Biden gets blown by! Even a university professor couldn't stop that!
Joe Biden with the ugly miss! The university professor touch is absent tonight!
Barack Obama steals and scores! This potential GOAT cutting the gap from the left corner!
First half is done. George W. Bush is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Exclusive: George W. Bush was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Ronald Reagan throws it away in the final quarter! A movie actor wasting the script binder at the worst time!
Donald Trump can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
Joe Biden plays with the young scholars on their mind and the pill in their hands!
Ronald Reagan picks up the offensive foul! A movie actor charging like they charge at the film character!
Donald Trump walks off in silence. This absolute legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Donald Trump stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Ronald Reagan exhales. Again. And again. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-121 (L)
George W. Bush wins the opening tip! Tipping off with officer energy!
Air ball from Ronald Reagan! Being a movie actor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Ronald Reagan throws it out of bounds! Like launching the script binder into the void!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, gets dunked on back to the basket! Poster material!
George W. Bush pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The officer in them is showing!
Finally a breather. Donald Trump has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: Donald Trump is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Joe Biden throws up a clunker! Their lecture notes would weep at that trajectory!
George W. Bush is spent! Used up like the field platoon after an officer's long day!
Joe Biden, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Barack Obama kicks the air! The frustration of a community organizer who knows they can do better!
Joe Biden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Donald Trump looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Ronald Reagan looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
91-132 (L)
The court welcomes George W. Bush! The officer with the field platoon has arrived!
George W. Bush misfires from the low block! Their command saber calibration needed!
This generational talent Barack Obama forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This first-ballot legend Ronald Reagan picks up the cheap foul! Injury-prone body showing!
Ronald Reagan throws their hands up! Like a movie actor when the script binder breaks!
Both teams head to the locker room. Barack Obama wipes his forehead with his jersey. Fun fact: Barack Obama failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
George W. Bush misses the open look! An officer never misses the field platoon... But misses the Wilson!
George W. Bush powers through! The officer in them won't quit on the field platoon!
Barack Obama dribbles it off their foot! Their bullhorn would never betray a community organizer like that!
George W. Bush walks away muttering! Muttering about the field platoon under their breath!
This first-ballot legend Joe Biden shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
George W. Bush walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Donald Trump drags one foot after the other. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-126 (L)
Joe Biden looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
This basketball god Barack Obama shanks a free throw along the baseline! That's uncharacteristic!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! This global icon under too much pressure!
Barack Obama gets crossed over! This undisputed superstar left frozen back to the basket!
Barack Obama, this generational talent, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
That's a wrap for now. Joe Biden dives into the tunnel. Did you know Joe Biden started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
This all-time great Joe Biden misses the mark! A finger roll goes begging under the basket!
Donald Trump calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
George W. Bush with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the field platoon!
George W. Bush picks up the second technical! This franchise cornerstone ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Barack Obama wipes a tear! A community organizer who poured everything into the effort!
Joe Biden and Barack Obama share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-124 (L)
George W. Bush locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an officer who means business!
Ronald Reagan with the contested half-court heave from mid-range! No good! Bad selection!
Ronald Reagan with the careless pass! Portraying the film character with more care, please!
George W. Bush fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an officer chasing the field platoon!
Joe Biden drops the head after another miss! Shaky emotions under pressure sapping the confidence!
Halftime. The doctor examines Donald Trump's shoulder while the others catch their breath. I've been told Donald Trump always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
This basketball god Ronald Reagan muscles up a deep three but can't get it to fall!
This household name Ronald Reagan can barely jump! The springs are gone on the low block!
Donald Trump gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
This absolute legend George W. Bush shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
George W. Bush vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their command saber reinforced with the field platoon!
George W. Bush's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Barack Obama hides his eyes under a towel. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-125 (L)
Donald Trump takes the court to a Playoff atmosphere! The film producer with their loaded checkbook is here!
Joe Biden, this global icon, with a contested half-court heave that misses facing the rim!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, gets stripped from downtown! Heavy feet exposed!
Ronald Reagan gets posterized! A movie actor framed by the script binder in the worst way!
Barack Obama, this certified GOAT candidate, barks at the teammate! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Break! Ronald Reagan takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Word is Ronald Reagan sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Donald Trump forces a two-handed slam at the top of the key! This absolute legend trying too hard!
George W. Bush misses from fatigue! Tired arms from leading the field platoon all week!
Ronald Reagan loses the ball! A movie actor would never be this careless!
George W. Bush glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this officer!
Donald Trump fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the film producer gave everything!
Ronald Reagan walks toward the tunnel without a word. Barack Obama stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-124 (L)
Ronald Reagan announces themselves! The movie actor has arrived and the building knows it!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama misfires again! Limited stamina could cost the team!
Ronald Reagan coughs it up! A movie actor's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Barack Obama beaten to the spot! Slower than a community organizer on a Monday morning!
Barack Obama with the reverse layup! Creative as a community organizer with the neighborhood!
The players disappear. Ronald Reagan has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Ronald Reagan tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Donald Trump, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Donald Trump can't finish! The film producer who finishes the risky picture can't finish the play!
Ronald Reagan creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, movie actor-level thinking!
Donald Trump can barely run! The four quarters harder than the four quarters of greenlighting the risky picture!
Ronald Reagan takes the loss hard! Hard as the film character on a bad movie actor day!
Joe Biden has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Barack Obama has aged ten years in forty minutes. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-130 (L)
Donald Trump fades away into position! This franchise cornerstone not wasting any time!
George W. Bush shanks it from beyond the arc! Leading the field platoon uses different muscles!
George W. Bush with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
Barack Obama turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
Ronald Reagan mouths off in the dying seconds! A movie actor venting about the film character!
Break. Barack Obama's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. I've been told Barack Obama always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Donald Trump misfires from downtown! Even this global icon has off nights!
Joe Biden bends over during the dead ball! This franchise cornerstone gathering what's left!
Intercepted! Joe Biden's pass snatched right out of the air! A university professor would never be that careless!
Joe Biden mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Ronald Reagan tips the cap to the winners! The movie actor's grace with the film character!
Barack Obama walks toward the tunnel without a word. Donald Trump stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-133 (L)
George W. Bush huddles with the team! Huddling up, the officer strategizes!
Joe Biden, this smooth operator, gets the look from downtown but the lid's on the rim!
This basketball god George W. Bush gets pickpocketed back to the basket! Sloppy handling!
Joe Biden gets caught flat-footed! This first-ballot legend beaten to the spot!
This certified GOAT candidate George W. Bush hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Barack Obama to massage his thighs. Did you know Barack Obama keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Joe Biden, this generational talent, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
Joe Biden can't get lift! Legs heavy as their lecture notes after the 48 regulation minutes!
Stolen from Donald Trump! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Joe Biden spins angrily after the turnover! This undisputed superstar spiraling!
Barack Obama leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a community organizer after the neighborhood setback!
Joe Biden slams his fist on the bench. Ronald Reagan places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I learned that Joe Biden's father was a film producer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Donald Trump on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 190 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited George W. Bush. An officer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an officer, with their command saber, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that George W. Bush has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the field platoon with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
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