President team — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | President team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... President team! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Donald Trump. Standing at 190 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Michelle Obama. A lawyer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a lawyer, with their heavy case law, on an NBA hardwood. The girl showed up at her first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Michelle Obama has "something." We don't know what exactly, but she has "something." In the meantime, the girl runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the prosecution's claim with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-127 (L)
Donald Trump announces themselves! The film producer has arrived and the building knows it!
Joe Biden can't find the range! Their lecture notes has better accuracy than that!
Joe Biden botches the handoff! Even their lecture notes exchanges go smoother!
Joe Biden fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a university professor chasing the young scholars!
Michelle Obama throws their hands up! Like a lawyer when their heavy case law breaks!
Halftime! Donald Trump checks his stats on the board and winces. The staff told me Donald Trump sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Joe Biden, this solid build, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
Donald Trump is gassed! More tired than after a full day of greenlighting the risky picture!
Michelle Obama with the backcourt violation! A lawyer going backwards with the prosecution's claim!
This undisputed superstar Charlie Kirk fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Joe Biden walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Charlie Kirk's eyes are glassy. Michelle Obama mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
103-117 (L)
Donald Trump opens with a step-back three! This once-in-a-lifetime player making an early statement!
Barack Obama misses! Even a community organizer can't fix that shot!
This global icon Charlie Kirk loses concentration and the Spalding with it!
Charlie Kirk gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
Michelle Obama cuts and scores! Sharp as their heavy case law, this lawyer!
Halftime! Joe Biden is limping slightly heading off the court. Little scoop: Joe Biden tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Charlie Kirk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a conspiracy theorist's spirit has limits!
Donald Trump can't convert! The film producer's touch with the risky picture deserted them!
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, exploits the mismatch on the low block! Smart play!
Michelle Obama grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their heavy case law in the workshop!
Charlie Kirk takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad conspiracy theorist day!
Charlie Kirk pulls his cap down over his eyes. Michelle Obama doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I got a text from Charlie Kirk after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-123 (L)
Michelle Obama huddles with the team! Huddling up, the lawyer strategizes!
Joe Biden gets blocked! Rejected harder than a university professor's worst day on the job!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over heavy feet!
Barack Obama converts a tough scoop layup at the buzzer! Skill level: elite!
End of the first half. Joe Biden is beet red but still standing. They say Joe Biden eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Barack Obama shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A community organizer lost in the noise!
This household name Charlie Kirk with the savvy veteran play! Eyes in the back of the head experience showing!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
This household name Barack Obama tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Charlie Kirk's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Michelle Obama breathes through her nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
92-106 (L)
And we're underway! Barack Obama touches the ball first! This hall-of-fame lock looks eager!
Joe Biden can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the rock differently than the young scholars!
Michelle Obama throws it out of bounds! Like launching their heavy case law into the void!
Barack Obama, this tweener, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
This living legend Michelle Obama with a picture-perfect half-court heave! The crowd goes wild!
Back to the locker room. Charlie Kirk's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know? Charlie Kirk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Michelle Obama, this first-ballot legend, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!
Charlie Kirk bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Donald Trump spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Michelle Obama is visibly tired! This basketball god needs a timeout badly!
Michelle Obama packs up and heads out! Packing their heavy case law, unpacking emotions!
Charlie Kirk stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Michelle Obama comes back to get him. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-100 (L)
Joe Biden locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!
This living legend Charlie Kirk with a vintage finger roll! The old magic is still there!
Charlie Kirk gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Michelle Obama can't buy a bucket! Maybe the prosecution's claim would be easier to aim!
Charlie Kirk orchestrates the miracle comeback! Miraculous as a conspiracy theorist saving their bare hands!
First half is done. Donald Trump is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Small detail: Donald Trump whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Michelle Obama can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their heavy case law vision failing!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This absolute legend Barack Obama has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Unreal swagger!
Donald Trump turns it over in the money time! Worst time to drop the basketball!
Michelle Obama walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to lawyer life tomorrow!
Charlie Kirk isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Michelle Obama tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-117 (L)
Charlie Kirk starts in the point guard! Playing the point guard the way a conspiracy theorist plays with their bare hands!
A devastating dunk attempt by Michelle Obama falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
Intercepted! Barack Obama's pass snatched right out of the air! A community organizer would never be that careless!
This first-ballot legend Charlie Kirk caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Donald Trump crosses over away from the huddle! This once-in-a-lifetime player in a dark place mentally!
The players head to the locker room. Joe Biden is sweating like a racehorse. Quick anecdote about Joe Biden: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back! The players look fired up.
Charlie Kirk gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the conspiracy theorist touch can't save that one!
Michelle Obama can't get lift! Legs heavy as their heavy case law after the 48 regulation minutes!
Charlie Kirk throws it away! A pass worse than a conspiracy theorist tossing the game!
Michelle Obama, this all-time great, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Michelle Obama sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a lawyer after their heavy case law broke!
Charlie Kirk takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Barack Obama follows the same path. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
116-100 (W)
Donald Trump bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Barack Obama pops the jumper! Clean as their bullhorn after a polish!
Joe Biden smothers the ball handler! That's a university professor who doesn't let go!
This certified GOAT candidate Joe Biden with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Michelle Obama, this solid build, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Halftime whistle. Michelle Obama spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Michelle Obama lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Joe Biden turns the right wing into a workshop. A devastating dunk crafted with their lecture notes!
Michelle Obama, this combo guard, commands wild stands! The arena belongs to this basketball god!
Barack Obama picks up the assignment! Locked in, the community organizer accepts the mission!
Barack Obama bridges two worlds: the neighborhood and a pull-up jumper, bound by passion!
Michelle Obama delivers in this rematch! The lawyer shows up with their heavy case law!
Charlie Kirk dumps his Gatorade on Donald Trump who screams because it was cold. Joe Biden piles on. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-92 (W)
Barack Obama steps onto the court! From rallying the neighborhood to this, game time!
Charlie Kirk scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a conspiracy theorist right there!
Barack Obama picks their pocket! A community organizer with quick hands knows how to handle thieves!
Michelle Obama hits the trailer! Connecting plays with their heavy case law accuracy!
Michelle Obama plays the chess match! Outsmarted them like a lawyer on their best day!
End of the first act. Charlie Kirk is puffing like a steam engine heading back. The staff told me Charlie Kirk sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Joe Biden goes to work with the precision of a university professor at work. And it's a floater!
Barack Obama tips their kicks to the crowd! The community organizer gesture with their bullhorn!
Barack Obama plugs the gap! Plugging holes with community organizer efficiency!
Every conspiracy theorist in the crowd sees themselves in Charlie Kirk's battle with the damn ball!
Barack Obama spins the trophy! This potential GOAT adds to the collection! A bench mob celebration!
Donald Trump and Barack Obama play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Donald Trump loses. Evening confession: I'm wearing Donald Trump's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-130 (L)
Charlie Kirk sets the tone early! The conspiracy theorist came to play tonight!
Off the mark for Donald Trump! Great film producer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Sloppy handling by Barack Obama! Rallying the neighborhood is done with more finesse!
Barack Obama left in the dust! Even a community organizer moves faster than that!
Barack Obama storms to the bench! This first-ballot legend is visibly upset!
Halftime. Michelle Obama is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Michelle Obama once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Michelle Obama puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their heavy case law can save that!
Michelle Obama, this first-ballot legend, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Charlie Kirk throws it into the stands! What was that from this all-time great!
Charlie Kirk rises up and kicks the stanchion! This all-time great losing composure!
Joe Biden leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a university professor after the young scholars setback!
Charlie Kirk walks head down toward the tunnel. Michelle Obama drags her feet behind, shoulders slumped. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Michelle Obama. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
78-123 (L)
Charlie Kirk stretches center court! Loosening up, the conspiracy theorist is getting ready!
Michelle Obama, this combo guard, gets stuffed trying a buzzer beater! Denied!
This undisputed superstar Donald Trump with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joe Biden beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the young scholars slipping from a university professor!
Joe Biden mouths off at the last second! A university professor venting about the young scholars!
Halftime. The doctor examines Charlie Kirk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Barack Obama misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bullhorn at the neighborhood!
Donald Trump bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a film producer after their loaded checkbook overtime!
Joe Biden gets the ball stripped! The young scholars would have stayed in a university professor's grip!
Joe Biden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Barack Obama hangs their head! A community organizer who gave everything they had!
Charlie Kirk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Donald Trump looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Charlie Kirk's name. Forgive me. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
92-121 (L)
Donald Trump, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Donald Trump with a wild attempt! This guy with rings on every finger not finding the range tonight!
Charlie Kirk loses the basketball! A conspiracy theorist would never be this careless!
This franchise cornerstone Barack Obama fouls reaching in! Lack of consistency on defense!
Barack Obama rises and fires! Rallying the neighborhood never felt this athletic!
That's a wrap for now. Donald Trump dives into the tunnel. I've been told Donald Trump always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Barack Obama tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the community organizer will bounce back!
Barack Obama denied by the basket! Even a community organizer can't pry it open!
Joe Biden makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a university professor behind the young scholars!
Barack Obama finds a second wind! The community organizer engine roars back to life!
Despite the loss, Charlie Kirk held their own with the game! The conspiracy theorist fought!
Charlie Kirk lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Michelle Obama decides not to comment. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-107 (L)
Joe Biden lands the first free throw! First blood! The university professor strikes first!
Donald Trump throws up a clunker! Their loaded checkbook would weep at that trajectory!
This certified GOAT candidate Barack Obama with turnover number buckets! Lack of consistency is piling up!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump picks up the cheap foul! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Michelle Obama drives the Spalding with flair and hits a sky hook! Sensational!
Finally a breather. Michelle Obama has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: Michelle Obama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in her contract. Denied. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Joe Biden storms to the bench! Heated! This university professor doesn't handle losing well!
Donald Trump fires a devastating dunk back to the basket but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Donald Trump communicates the switch! Clear as a film producer's instructions!
This all-time great Michelle Obama has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Barack Obama, this hall-of-fame lock, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Charlie Kirk avoids the cameras like the plague. Michelle Obama gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-124 (L)
This basketball god Charlie Kirk opens the scoring! A catch-and-shoot triple! Early advantage!
Barack Obama rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their bullhorn intensity!
This global icon Charlie Kirk gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Joe Biden falls asleep on the weak side! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Donald Trump slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Break time. Michelle Obama bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Michelle Obama once wore her jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Donald Trump rises up but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Michelle Obama asks for ice! Cooling down, even a lawyer's engine needs a rest!
Michelle Obama with the careless pass! Dismantling the prosecution's claim with more care, please!
This guy with rings on every finger Joe Biden slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Michelle Obama leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a lawyer with their heavy case law!
Barack Obama stares at the floor while Donald Trump mutters something inaudible under his breath. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-105 (L)
This basketball god Michelle Obama comes out aggressive! Opens with a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc!
That one wasn't even close, Michelle Obama! Stick to dismantling the prosecution's claim!
Joe Biden loses the damn ball in traffic! This basketball god can't afford that!
Donald Trump loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Charlie Kirk pulls up and drills a pull-up jumper! Can't teach that!
Halftime! Michelle Obama checks her stats on the board and winces. Physio's confession: Michelle Obama purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Michelle Obama, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
This hall-of-fame lock Charlie Kirk rattles it out! So close yet so far back to the basket!
Donald Trump launches the ball out of the trap! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
Donald Trump tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a film producer's energy for the risky picture!
Donald Trump vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Joe Biden stares at the floor while Donald Trump mutters something inaudible under his breath. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-121 (L)
This global icon Charlie Kirk means business! Fast start from way beyond the arc!
This hall-of-fame lock Barack Obama muscles up a bank shot but can't get it to fall!
Joe Biden dribbles it off their foot! Their lecture notes would never betray a university professor like that!
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, showcases a gym-rat work ethic with a gorgeous double-clutch layup!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Barack Obama picks up the pace. Did you know Barack Obama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Joe Biden walks away muttering! Muttering about the young scholars under their breath!
A buzzer-beater from Michelle Obama goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the left corner!
Donald Trump creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, film producer-level thinking!
Barack Obama labors up the court! Trudging like a community organizer dragging the neighborhood!
Joe Biden refuses to make excuses! A university professor owns the young scholars failures too!
Charlie Kirk walks toward the tunnel without a word. Barack Obama stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
President team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... President team!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Donald Trump. Standing at 190 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Michelle Obama. A lawyer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a lawyer, with their heavy case law, on an NBA hardwood. The girl showed up at her first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Michelle Obama has "something." We don't know what exactly, but she has "something." In the meantime, the girl runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the prosecution's claim with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
President team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
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