My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Wally West on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Galactus. The man. Is. An amateur. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An amateur. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of an amateur and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-126 (L)
King Kong takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Galactus, this unknown gem, sends the Wilson wide! The touch is off tonight!
Megatron loses the basketball! A warlord would never be this careless!
Galactus, this smooth operator, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Bullseye kicks the air! The frustration of a mercenary who knows they can do better!
Back in the locker room, King Kong sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know? King Kong has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Bullseye, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hooper's hooper!
This dark horse Galactus stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Megatron trips up in beyond the arc! A warlord never trips at work... Right?
Megatron sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a warlord after a long shift!
This player nobody saw coming Galactus leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
King Kong refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Galactus watches it and immediately regrets it. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
88-132 (L)
Tip-off! King Kong gets us started! Let's go!
This player making noise Megatron rattles it out! So close yet so far in transition!
This dude out of nowhere Galactus commits the 5-second violation! Clock management hot head!
This solid pro Bullseye bites on the fake! Beaten back to the basket!
This world-class player King Kong hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
Break! Wally West rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know Wally West once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Wally West throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Galactus is gassed! This unknown gem bent over at half court! Ego the size of Texas catching up!
Bullseye with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost mercenary!
Bullseye pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The mercenary in them is showing!
Megatron walks off in defeat! Even a warlord's skills couldn't save tonight!
Megatron refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. King Kong watches it and immediately regrets it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-128 (L)
Megatron fires up the crowd to open the game! This seasoned vet starting strong!
Wally West whiffs on the jumper! A superhero off their game with their bare hands!
Galactus loses the damn ball in traffic! This dark horse can't afford that!
Galactus, this do-it-all player, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
Bullseye waves off the play! The authority of a mercenary in that gesture!
End of the second quarter. Galactus is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know Galactus keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Bullseye, this league veteran, with the shot-clock heave! No good facing the rim!
King Kong, this all-around player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Galactus coughs up the basketball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again facing the rim!
Bullseye buries their face! Hidden from view, the mercenary can't watch!
Galactus, this versatile guy, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Bullseye chews his nails on the bench. Wally West stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
85-129 (L)
Bullseye begins their shift on the temple of basketball! A mercenary starting the their blade shift!
Bullseye with a wild attempt! This player on the come-up not finding the range tonight!
This top-tier talent King Kong loses concentration and the orange with it!
Megatron loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Bullseye looks to the heavens! A mercenary praying for their blade to work!
Time to breathe. Bullseye has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Bullseye tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Megatron can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a warlord always hits!
This player on the come-up Megatron signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
Stolen from Wally West! A superhero who let it slip through their fingers!
Galactus, this who-is-this-guy player, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
King Kong, this top-tier talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Wally West shakes King Kong's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-133 (L)
Wally West pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This unknown gem locked in!
This newcomer Galactus short-arms a hook shot from downtown! Not enough lift!
Galactus throws it into the stands! What was that from this surprise package!
Bullseye gets posted up and scored on! This guy with a proven track record overpowered!
King Kong mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Halftime whistle. Bullseye spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Exclusive info: Bullseye is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
A free throw attempt by King Kong falls short! Hot head in the legs!
This dude putting the league on notice Megatron calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Shaky emotions under pressure taking its toll!
This up-and-coming baller Bullseye forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
King Kong picks up the second technical! This top-tier talent ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
King Kong dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This franchise guy will learn from this.
King Kong shakes Galactus's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
73-117 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Galactus catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
King Kong can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this guy everybody knows!
Galactus, this solid build, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
Galactus falls asleep on the weak side! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Megatron glares at the scoreboard! This seasoned vet not happy with the situation!
Halftime. King Kong glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: King Kong calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Megatron gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the warlord touch can't save that one!
Wally West, this tweener, with tired legs on the low block! Sometimes predictable game slowing this who-is-this-guy player down!
Megatron passes to nobody! This well-respected player with a head-scratching decision!
Bullseye lets fly angrily after the turnover! This next-level player spiraling!
King Kong had the chances but couldn't convert. This elite player left wanting.
Galactus snaps at the bench on his way out. Megatron says nothing, but his look says everything. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-131 (L)
Bullseye steps onto the floor! From fighting the highest bidder to this, game time!
Bullseye can't connect! Their blade in hand, sure. The leather through the hoop, nope!
Megatron dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a warlord like that!
Wally West overcommits! Going all-in like a superhero on the game, but wrong!
Bullseye, this combo guard, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
Time to breathe. Bullseye has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Bullseye was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Bullseye gets blocked! Rejected harder than a mercenary's worst day on the job!
Bullseye is running on fumes! The mercenary tank is completely empty!
Galactus posts up into a trap! Occasional mental lapses when reading the defense!
Galactus mutters to himself walking back! This dark horse fighting inner demons!
Megatron sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a warlord after their bare hands broke!
Megatron presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Wally West walks right past without noticing. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-128 (L)
King Kong looks dialed in from the start! Pure God-given talent preparation showing!
Megatron, this tweener, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates from the left corner!
King Kong charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Wally West bites on the pump fake! This dark horse sent flying facing the rim!
This elite player King Kong slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Back to the locker room. Bullseye punches his locker. Confession: Bullseye tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Wally West fires and misses off the pick and roll. Should have stuck with the game!
Megatron barely gets back on defense! Moving like a warlord on a Friday afternoon!
This who-is-this-guy player Wally West with turnover number buckets! Hot head is piling up!
King Kong spins the towel! This world-class player showing injury-prone body!
Galactus walks off in silence. This unknown gem gave it all but it wasn't enough.
King Kong sits on the floor in the hallway. Wally West sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-122 (L)
King Kong, this reliable star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This dude out of nowhere Galactus muscles up a bucket but can't get it to fall!
This diamond in the rough Wally West gets pickpocketed off the pick and roll! Sloppy handling!
This multi-time All-Star King Kong fouls reaching in! Heavy feet on defense!
King Kong, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
That's a cut. Bullseye stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Confession: Bullseye calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This top-tier talent King Kong shanks a buzzer-beater in the paint! That's uncharacteristic!
This dude putting the league on notice Megatron can't close out! The legs are shot at half court!
King Kong, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the damn ball!
King Kong drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Wally West leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
King Kong claps his hands in frustration. Galactus clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-128 (L)
Megatron takes the court to a hostile crowd! The warlord with their bare hands is here!
Galactus fires a thunderous slam under the basket but can't connect! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Sloppy handling by Megatron! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Galactus gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
This world-class player King Kong fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Halftime. Wally West is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Wally West fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Bullseye denied by the basket! Even a mercenary can't pry it open!
Megatron gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
This total unknown Galactus with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
King Kong, this big-name player, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Wally West packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Galactus kicks his towel across the floor. King Kong has already left for the locker room, alone. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
75-120 (L)
Megatron lands the first sky hook! First blood! The warlord strikes first!
A pull-up jumper from Wally West catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Wally West double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
King Kong reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
Bullseye vents at their teammates! The mercenary who vents about the highest bidder!
That's a cut. Megatron stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. I've been told Megatron always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
King Kong, this versatile guy, can't finish in the paint! That one stings!
King Kong, this headliner, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
King Kong, this solid build, gets stripped off the pick and roll! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Wally West glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this superhero!
King Kong, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Galactus unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. King Kong runs a hand down his face. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-131 (L)
Megatron fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this league veteran!
Brick! Galactus misfires in the paint! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Bullseye forces the pass! Forcing their blade where it doesn't fit!
Bullseye turns the head and loses the man! This league veteran napping defensively!
King Kong goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This multi-time All-Star losing composure!
Break! Galactus rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Small detail: Galactus wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Bullseye rattles it out! Shaking the gymnasium with their blade intensity!
Wally West finds a second wind! The superhero engine roars back to life!
Wally West commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Galactus, this dark horse, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
Megatron fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the warlord gave everything!
King Kong leaves the court at a jog. Galactus stays there, planted at center court, motionless. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-120 (L)
Galactus, this raw talent, draws first blood! A tear drop to start!
Megatron misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Bullseye with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the highest bidder!
Megatron beaten to the spot! Slower than a warlord on a Monday morning!
Wally West throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Halftime whistle! King Kong grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: King Kong slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Galactus takes a tough devastating dunk and it doesn't go! Lack of consistency in shot selection!
Bullseye bends over during the dead ball! This solid pro gathering what's left!
Bullseye, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the ball! Mental lapse!
Megatron stares in disbelief! The look of a warlord who just lost everything!
Wally West reflects on what could have been. Tendency to force bad shots the difference tonight.
Megatron mutters while walking out. King Kong watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-121 (L)
This who-is-this-guy player Galactus gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This newcomer Wally West misfires again! Tendency to force bad shots could cost the team!
Megatron turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this warlord!
King Kong, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over heavy feet!
Galactus, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
The players leave the court. Bullseye clings to the tunnel railing. Rumor has it Bullseye has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Off the mark for Megatron! Great warlord, not so great at basketball tonight!
Megatron mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
King Kong with a wild pass that sails out! This bonafide star giving it away!
King Kong slams the leather in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Megatron looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a warlord!
Wally West walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Bullseye drags one foot after the other. Did you know that Bullseye practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Wally West sets the tone early! The superhero came to play tonight!
Wally West, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild and-one!
This seasoned vet Megatron commits the offensive foul! Turnover off the pick and roll!
King Kong gets screened out of the play! This world-class player lost in traffic!
Wally West argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Halftime whistle! Galactus slides down against the hallway wall. Small detail: Galactus wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Wally West launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the game, and it shows!
Wally West misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Galactus throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure driving to the hoop!
Wally West, this guy nobody was talking about, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to rush causing friction!
Wally West leaves the floor with dignity! The dignity of a superhero with their bare hands!
Wally West walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Bullseye drags one foot after the other. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Wally West.
Season journal
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