My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
4 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Miami Heart-Attack | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Barack Obama. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 185 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. MrBeast is on this team. MrBeast, who is a youtuber and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their camera under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-131 (L)
This absolute legend Barack Obama opens the scoring! A catch-and-shoot triple! Early advantage!
Barack Obama, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A half-court heave off target at the buzzer!
Osama bin Laden forces the pass! Forcing the theodolite where it doesn't fit!
This surprise package Master Garmadon bites on the fake! Beaten under the basket!
Master Garmadon posts up away from the huddle! This raw talent in a dark place mentally!
Rest time. Barack Obama isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. True story: Barack Obama had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Master Garmadon forces a deep three from the left corner! This rising star trying too hard!
Master Garmadon, this tweener, laboring up and down! Limited stamina draining the energy!
Osama bin Laden with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the river gorge!
Osama bin Laden kicks the air! The frustration of a civil engineer who knows they can do better!
MrBeast reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Master Garmadon lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Osama bin Laden holds his in. Tonight I had a revelation: Osama bin Laden runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
75-120 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Master Garmadon in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy nobody was talking about brings!
Barack Obama launches from deep and misses! A community organizer's range doesn't apply here!
Osama bin Laden fades away the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this absolute legend!
Barack Obama loses their assignment! Like losing their bullhorn in the workshop!
Barack Obama fires away and kicks the stanchion! This guy with rings on every finger losing composure!
The players leave the court. Osama bin Laden clings to the tunnel railing. Confession: Osama bin Laden believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This certified GOAT candidate Osama bin Laden short-arms a thunderous slam at the top of the key! Not enough lift!
Osama bin Laden takes the rest play! Even a civil engineer needs a breather!
Stolen from Osama bin Laden! A civil engineer who let it slip through their fingers!
Osama bin Laden walks away muttering! Muttering about the river gorge under their breath!
Osama bin Laden shakes hands through the pain! A civil engineer who respects the theodolite and the game!
Barack Obama's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Master Garmadon hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-132 (L)
MrBeast spins onto the floor! The crowd roars for this bonafide star!
MrBeast bricks it! Not the same accuracy as captivating the algorithm!
MrBeast, this oversized freak, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the rock!
Master Garmadon scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
Barack Obama vents at their teammates! The community organizer who vents about the neighborhood!
Halftime! MrBeast checks his stats on the board and winces. I've been told MrBeast once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Barack Obama launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the neighborhood, and it shows!
MrBeast tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a youtuber's energy for the algorithm!
Sloppy handling by MrBeast! Captivating the algorithm is done with more finesse!
MrBeast, this multi-time All-Star, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
Osama bin Laden walks off in defeat! Even a civil engineer's skills couldn't save tonight!
MrBeast bites his lip, fists clenched. Barack Obama shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
87-131 (L)
Osama bin Laden begins their shift on the gymnasium! A civil engineer starting the theodolite shift!
Osama bin Laden gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!
Osama bin Laden, this oversized freak, steps out of bounds with the Spalding! Mental lapse!
This franchise cornerstone Osama bin Laden fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Osama bin Laden mouths off at the jump ball! A civil engineer venting about the river gorge!
Players head to the locker room. Barack Obama has tape on three fingers. Little scoop: Barack Obama collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Osama bin Laden takes a tough free throw and it doesn't go! Limited stamina in shot selection!
MrBeast grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their camera in the workshop!
MrBeast, this titan, gets stripped under the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
MrBeast penetrates angrily after the turnover! This certified bucket spiraling!
Osama bin Laden wipes a tear! A civil engineer who poured everything into the effort!
Master Garmadon looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Osama bin Laden looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-132 (L)
MrBeast huddles with the team! Huddling up, the youtuber strategizes!
Master Garmadon, this versatile guy, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Turnover by MrBeast! Captivating the algorithm requires less coordination, clearly!
This certified GOAT candidate Barack Obama misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Osama bin Laden, this hall-of-fame lock, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Well-deserved break. Barack Obama looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little secret: Barack Obama listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Barack Obama misses! Even a community organizer can't fix that shot!
MrBeast attacks but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Osama bin Laden throws it away! A pass worse than a civil engineer tossing the river gorge!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
MrBeast packs up and heads out! Packing their camera, unpacking emotions!
Barack Obama avoids the cameras like the plague. MrBeast gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-134 (L)
And we're underway! Master Garmadon touches the ball first! This dark horse looks eager!
MrBeast misses the free throw! Captivating the algorithm under pressure is easier!
Master Garmadon with the lazy pass! Occasional mental lapses leading to easy points!
Barack Obama loses the screen battle! Shaky emotions under pressure around the picks!
Barack Obama can't mask the disappointment! This guy with rings on every finger wearing it on the sleeve!
Halftime. Osama bin Laden's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Barack Obama misfires! The community organizer's precision with the neighborhood is nowhere to be found!
Osama bin Laden is gassed! More tired than after a full day of bridging the river gorge!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Barack Obama dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
MrBeast stares in disbelief! The look of a youtuber who just lost everything!
This global icon Barack Obama stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this global icon wanted.
Barack Obama takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Master Garmadon doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Evening confession: I'm wearing Barack Obama's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-121 (L)
Master Garmadon, this surprise package, embraces the Finals-like atmosphere! Game on!
Osama bin Laden dishes and fires but misses everything! Defense that's basically a suggestion tonight!
This bonafide star MrBeast commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Barack Obama gets posterized! A community organizer framed by their bullhorn in the worst way!
Osama bin Laden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to bridging the river gorge!
Into the tunnel. Master Garmadon grabs a banana on the way and devours it. I've been told Master Garmadon always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Air ball from Osama bin Laden! Being a civil engineer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
MrBeast is clearly fatigued! This ball game of this plus this ball game of captivating the algorithm!
MrBeast coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Osama bin Laden slams the ball in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
MrBeast refuses to make excuses! A youtuber owns the algorithm failures too!
Osama bin Laden's face is locked shut, zero emotion. MrBeast hides his eyes under a towel. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
78-122 (L)
Osama bin Laden checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This big-name player MrBeast rattles it out! So close yet so far back to the basket!
MrBeast with the careless pass! Captivating the algorithm with more care, please!
Barack Obama can't stay in front! Rallying the neighborhood doesn't build lateral quickness!
MrBeast, this reliable star, yells at the coaching staff! Defense that's basically a suggestion causing friction!
The players head to the locker room. Osama bin Laden is sweating like a racehorse. They say Osama bin Laden has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back! The players look fired up.
This global icon Osama bin Laden shanks a devastating dunk in the paint! That's uncharacteristic!
Barack Obama needs oxygen! More winded than a community organizer after overtime!
Barack Obama throws it into the stands! What was that from this household name!
Master Garmadon glares at the scoreboard! This surprise package not happy with the situation!
MrBeast had the chances but couldn't convert. This max-contract guy left wanting.
Barack Obama's gaze is cold, distant. MrBeast's gaze is hot, angry. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-129 (L)
Master Garmadon, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
MrBeast launches the pill into nothing! Sometimes predictable game on full display tonight!
Master Garmadon tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Barack Obama gets blown by! Even a community organizer couldn't stop that!
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This generational talent fighting inner demons!
Time to breathe. Master Garmadon has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Word is Master Garmadon sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
MrBeast crosses over the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this jersey-selling name!
Osama bin Laden barely gets back on defense! Moving like a civil engineer on a Friday afternoon!
Osama bin Laden, this beanpole, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
Barack Obama sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a community organizer after a long shift!
Osama bin Laden looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a civil engineer!
Master Garmadon's lip is trembling. Osama bin Laden dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
83-127 (L)
This total unknown Master Garmadon comes out aggressive! Opens with a deep three driving to the hoop!
MrBeast, this tower, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this established star!
Barack Obama botches the handoff! Even their bullhorn exchanges go smoother!
This headliner MrBeast picks up the cheap foul! Hot head showing!
MrBeast buries their face! Hidden from view, the youtuber can't watch!
Break! Barack Obama rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: Barack Obama lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Barack Obama misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the neighborhood!
Osama bin Laden, this certified GOAT candidate, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Barack Obama passes to nobody! This generational talent with a head-scratching decision!
Osama bin Laden, this oversized freak, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Osama bin Laden absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a civil engineer knows tough days!
Osama bin Laden has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Barack Obama has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-122 (L)
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, takes the court! The immense pressure is electric!
Master Garmadon, this do-it-all player, can't get a reverse layup to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Barack Obama double-dribbles! Rallying the neighborhood doesn't have that rule!
Barack Obama fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a community organizer chasing the neighborhood!
MrBeast, this oversized freak, throws the hands up! Exasperated in the paint!
Back to the locker room. Barack Obama's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know Barack Obama plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Master Garmadon posts up but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
MrBeast, this beanpole, looks exhausted in the paint! The legs are gone!
Master Garmadon coughs up the Wilson! Sometimes predictable game strikes again at the top of the key!
Master Garmadon mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
Master Garmadon dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This newcomer will learn from this.
Barack Obama turns back to look at the court one last time. MrBeast doesn't turn around. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
73-118 (L)
Osama bin Laden steps onto the temple of basketball! From bridging the river gorge to this, game time!
Master Garmadon goes to work but overcooks it! Heavy feet showing up again!
MrBeast, this beanpole, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
MrBeast, this tower, can't keep up with the speed! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Barack Obama looks to the heavens! A community organizer praying for their bullhorn to work!
Halftime. Barack Obama glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Intel: Barack Obama asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This generational talent Barack Obama misses the mark! A thunderous slam goes begging along the baseline!
This total unknown Master Garmadon calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Limited stamina taking its toll!
MrBeast takes off into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
MrBeast storms to the bench! Heated! This youtuber doesn't handle losing well!
Barack Obama gave it everything! Everything a community organizer has, left on the court!
MrBeast refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Barack Obama watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-134 (L)
Osama bin Laden, this towering presence, is introduced and the arena explodes! This guy with rings on every finger is in the building!
Osama bin Laden, this tree of a man, loses the handle and the opportunity! Heavy feet!
Osama bin Laden with the backcourt violation! This household name under too much pressure!
Master Garmadon turns the head and loses the man! This diamond in the rough napping defensively!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Shaky emotions under pressure written all over his face!
Back to the locker room. MrBeast punches his locker. True story: MrBeast walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Master Garmadon misfires driving to the hoop! Even this player nobody saw coming has off nights!
This raw talent Master Garmadon signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Master Garmadon throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure from the right corner!
This living legend Osama bin Laden can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Osama bin Laden takes the loss hard! Hard as the river gorge on a bad civil engineer day!
Osama bin Laden pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Master Garmadon takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-121 (L)
Osama bin Laden attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This household name locked in!
Osama bin Laden rushes a reverse layup from mid-range! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Master Garmadon with a wild pass that sails out! This total unknown giving it away!
Osama bin Laden loses the battle in the paint! Being a civil engineer doesn't help you here!
Master Garmadon, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Hot head hurting the team!
Halftime whistle! Barack Obama slides down against the hallway wall. Staff confession: Barack Obama is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Osama bin Laden whiffs on a euro-step! The crowd groans!
Osama bin Laden digs deep! Deep as a civil engineer digs into the river gorge!
Osama bin Laden trips up in the baseline! A civil engineer never trips at work... Right?
MrBeast slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a youtuber hits the workbench!
Barack Obama leaves the gymnasium quietly! Quiet as a community organizer after the neighborhood setback!
Barack Obama avoids the cameras like the plague. Master Garmadon gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
Barack Obama announces themselves! The community organizer has arrived and the building knows it!
MrBeast short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their camera!
Osama bin Laden with the backcourt violation! A civil engineer going backwards with the river gorge!
MrBeast overcommits! Going all-in like a youtuber on the algorithm, but wrong!
This generational talent Osama bin Laden slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime. Master Garmadon throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Master Garmadon keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
MrBeast misfires from way beyond the arc! Their camera calibration needed!
Barack Obama waves for a timeout! The community organizer needs the neighborhood break!
Master Garmadon charges right into the defender! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas when controlling pace!
Master Garmadon picks up the second technical! This surprise package ejected! Tendency to rush!
Osama bin Laden vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the theodolite reinforced with the river gorge!
Barack Obama refuses the coach's embrace. Master Garmadon accepts it but his body is stiff. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Barack Obama.
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Season journal
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