goated — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | New York Over-Timers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | goated | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Goated! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Standing at 218 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Pope Francis. The man. Is. A chemist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A chemist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their glass beaker and apparently, the technical motion of a chemist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
93-125 (L)
Pope Francis blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This undisputed superstar locked in!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar spins but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
This guy with rings on every finger Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets pickpocketed from way beyond the arc! Sloppy handling!
Bill Walton, this mountain of a man, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
A pull-up jumper from Bill Walton under the basket! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Halftime! Bill Walton has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Little scoop: Bill Walton logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This basketball god Dwayne Johnson gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Dwayne Johnson posts up the orange into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Pope Francis communicates the switch! Clear as a chemist's instructions!
Pope Francis rises up but the legs won't cooperate! Hot head catching up!
This hooper's hooper Anthony Edwards tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's gaze is cold, distant. Anthony Edwards's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
124-78 (W)
Tip-off! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets us started! Let's go!
Bill Walton, this dude putting the league on notice, operates from the left corner with a finger roll! Clinic!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar dunks the leather through traffic! What a pass by this potential GOAT!
Dwayne Johnson with the smooth reverse layup! This absolute legend making it look easy!
Bill Walton, this solid pro, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
End of the second quarter. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little secret: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Pope Francis, this do-it-all player, rises above and hammers a floater!
Bill Walton, this towering presence, is toying with the opposition back to the basket! Dominant!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this 7-footer, headbands slips over the eyes mid-play! Blind this undisputed superstar!
Pope Francis pumps their fist! The fist that grips their glass beaker all day!
This up-and-coming baller Bill Walton seals the deal! Victory with a killer instinct!
Bill Walton blows a kiss to the camera. Anthony Edwards blows twelve. Pope Francis blocks the lens. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-100 (W)
This living legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar comes out firing! A free throw in the first minute!
Pope Francis catches and shoots,a free throw! Quick hands from synthesizing the new compound!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this potential GOAT, clamps down on the star player! Next-level basketball IQ on the assignment!
Anthony Edwards fires away the damn ball with precision! Assist driving to the hoop! Floor general!
This generational talent Pope Francis calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
End of the second quarter. Bill Walton is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. They say Bill Walton eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
A half-court heave from Dwayne Johnson! This household name reminding everyone why they're on top!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar spins to an eruption! An electric crowd! What a moment!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this franchise cornerstone, communicates the switch! That dawg mentality and vocal leadership!
This will be talked about for years! Pope Francis with a half-court heave! Iconic!
This respected competitor Bill Walton caps off a special night! A raised fist! Until next time!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Anthony Edwards do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
123-78 (W)
Anthony Edwards, this oversized freak, announced to huge cheers! A roaring arena!
Anthony Edwards, this oversized freak, elevates for a monster buzzer-beater!
Anthony Edwards, this mountain of a man, finds the rolling big man! A bank shot off the assist!
Bill Walton, this colossus, uses every inch to deliver a sky hook!
Pope Francis times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A rebound in traffic in transition!
Halftime! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knocks down a free throw in transition! Ice in the veins!
Anthony Edwards, this titan, caps off a dominant performance! A gym-rat work ethic from start to finish!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this hall-of-fame lock, waves off the screen and runs into it anyway! Classic!
Anthony Edwards taps the logo on the jersey! A raised fist! That's pride right there!
Pope Francis caps a perfect night! Clean as a chemist on their best day!
Bill Walton and Anthony Edwards fake a wrestling match. Pope Francis plays the referee and calls a timeout. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
108-109 (L)
Bill Walton goes to work into position! This up-and-coming baller not wasting any time!
Bill Walton with an incredible bank shot in the paint! Standing ovation!
Bill Walton gets posted up and scored on! This well-respected player overpowered!
Anthony Edwards, this titan, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
Bill Walton forces the turnover! This name that's buzzing creating opportunities on both ends!
Break! Dwayne Johnson grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know? Dwayne Johnson has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Dwayne Johnson can't hit the go-ahead! Shaky emotions under pressure when the lights are brightest!
Bill Walton, this up-and-coming baller, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Anthony Edwards is writing the story tonight! This respected competitor with a two-handed slam from downtown!
Anthony Edwards can't convert in the third quarter! This well-respected player shrinks in the moment!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Bill Walton decides not to comment. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
123-86 (W)
Bill Walton, this established player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Bill Walton with another deep three! You can't stop this man!
Pope Francis finds the open teammate! Vision of a chemist spotting the new compound!
This established player Anthony Edwards goes to work under the basket! A pull-up jumper drops beautifully!
This absolute legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
End of the first act. Anthony Edwards is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Rumor has it Anthony Edwards tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
What a play by Bill Walton! A half-court heave driving to the hoop! This next-level player is cooking!
Anthony Edwards penetrates to yet another easy bucket! The floodgates opened!
This solid pro Anthony Edwards forgets the play call! Looking at the bench confused!
Pope Francis mimics using their glass beaker as a microphone! The chemist is the star tonight!
Anthony Edwards fades away into the tunnel with the W! This next-level player all smiles!
Anthony Edwards runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
125-94 (W)
And we're underway! Anthony Edwards touches the pill first! This next-level player looks eager!
Bill Walton, this walking skyscraper, posts up and delivers a pull-up jumper! Textbook!
Bill Walton plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this guy with a proven track record!
This living legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Dwayne Johnson, this all-around player, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
The players file out. Pope Francis exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Pope Francis once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This potential GOAT Dwayne Johnson punishes the defense with a finger roll in transition!
Anthony Edwards, this titan, gets the standing ovation! A boiling cauldron!
Dwayne Johnson, this smooth operator, anchors the second unit! This once-in-a-lifetime player versatile contributor!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this global icon, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A roaring arena!
This well-respected player Bill Walton is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Dwayne Johnson performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Bill Walton imitates it. It's worse. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
110-81 (W)
This next-level player Anthony Edwards means business! Fast start from the left corner!
This player making noise Anthony Edwards finishes with authority! A hook shot from the right corner!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar drives and finds the trailer for a scoop layup! Great awareness!
This player making noise Anthony Edwards with a picture-perfect buzzer beater! The crowd goes wild!
Anthony Edwards rejects the layup! A flawless defensive rotation by this oversized freak! Get that out!
Break! Anthony Edwards heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know? Anthony Edwards tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
An alley-oop from downtown by Anthony Edwards! This walking skyscraper with the long range!
Anthony Edwards launches and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This household name oops!
Anthony Edwards silences the away crowd! Ice-cold a slide across the hardwood! Love it!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this towering presence, salutes the faithful! A chest bump! What a night!
Dwayne Johnson rips the net off the rim. Anthony Edwards wraps it around his neck like a scarf. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
116-95 (W)
Game time! Anthony Edwards and this legit talent ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
Pope Francis converts with authority! Same energy they bring to synthesizing the new compound!
Dwayne Johnson with the huge flawless defensive rotation in transition! This certified GOAT candidate says no!
Pope Francis picks apart the defense! Assist leads to a thunderous slam!
Dwayne Johnson crosses over with purpose every possession! This all-time great chess master!
End of the first half. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is beet red but still standing. Rumor has it Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Bill Walton with eyes in the back of the head finds the angle for a fadeaway jumper!
Bill Walton soaks in a roaring arena! This established player living for these moments!
This up-and-coming baller Bill Walton unites the locker room! A killer instinct captain's mentality!
This player on the come-up Anthony Edwards embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
That's the game! Bill Walton finishes with a monster performance! This legit talent victorious!
Dwayne Johnson takes a bow for the crowd. Pope Francis bows to Dwayne Johnson. The nobility of basketball. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
106-115 (L)
This living legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar opens the scoring! A floater! Early advantage!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can't buy a bucket! Another miss facing the rim! Frustrating!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Pope Francis, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over heavy feet!
Dwayne Johnson attacks in the paint and finishes with a half-court heave! Too good!
Break! Pope Francis grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Intel: Pope Francis refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This hooper's hooper Anthony Edwards hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the top of the key!
Anthony Edwards, this towering presence, wastes a golden chance with a wild hook shot!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this walking skyscraper, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Insane court vision!
This league veteran Anthony Edwards calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Occasional mental lapses taking its toll!
This certified GOAT candidate Dwayne Johnson shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Anthony Edwards scratches the back of his neck nervously. Bill Walton has the look of someone who has seen things. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
106-113 (L)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fires up the crowd to open the game! This global icon starting strong!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar forces a bad hook shot! This hall-of-fame lock needs to trust teammates!
This guy with a proven track record Anthony Edwards with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Pope Francis caught flat-footed! Standing still, the chemist reflexes took a nap!
Pope Francis handles the leather like their glass beaker. A deep three facing the rim! The precision of a chemist!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Pope Francis asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Pope Francis listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Anthony Edwards fires a step-back three driving to the hoop but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Pope Francis triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with chemist urgency!
Pope Francis, this hall-of-fame lock, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
Dwayne Johnson walks off in silence. This household name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Pope Francis refuses the coach's embrace. Bill Walton accepts it but his body is stiff. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
120-101 (W)
Dwayne Johnson, this combo guard, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
Pope Francis nails a deep three from deep! Range like their glass beaker reaching across the workshop!
This global icon Dwayne Johnson holds ground along the baseline! Immovable object!
Dwayne Johnson with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open double-clutch layup!
Dwayne Johnson fades away into the right spacing! Pure God-given talent and elite court awareness!
Off to the locker room. Dwayne Johnson has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Dwayne Johnson slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Bill Walton scores at will! A bucket from the left corner! This established player domination!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets hot!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sacrifices the body taking the charge! This hall-of-fame lock ultimate teammate!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this oversized freak, sets the tone with a gym-rat work ethic! Leader!
Pope Francis ends on a high note! A chemist who finishes strong every time!
Anthony Edwards dumps his Gatorade on Bill Walton who screams because it was cold. Pope Francis piles on. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
109-116 (L)
Bill Walton pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this name that's buzzing!
This first-ballot legend Pope Francis rattles it out! So close yet so far off the pick and roll!
Pope Francis passes to nobody! This first-ballot legend with a head-scratching decision!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this 7-footer, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
This name that's buzzing Anthony Edwards does it again! A bucket with effortless precision!
Finally a breather. Pope Francis has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Pope Francis knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Boston Ring-Chasers's colors. By accident, obviously. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Bill Walton slams the orange in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Bill Walton clanks another one off the rim! This player on the come-up needs to find rhythm!
This undisputed superstar Dwayne Johnson switches defensive assignments on the fly! Unreal swagger!
Anthony Edwards is gassed! This league veteran bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Pope Francis, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite silky smooth technique effort.
Dwayne Johnson punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Pope Francis slides down the wall to the floor. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
110-111 (L)
This seasoned vet Bill Walton comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater from the left corner!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the tough reverse layup through contact! This certified GOAT candidate won't be denied!
Bill Walton loses the screen battle! Shaky emotions under pressure around the picks!
A pull-up jumper from Dwayne Johnson catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Bill Walton with the momentum-shifting hook shot! This hooper's hooper turning the tide!
Cut! Halftime. Anthony Edwards's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Anthony Edwards has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Pope Francis turns it over on a strategic timeout! Worst time to drop the Spalding!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar picks up the second technical! This once-in-a-lifetime player ejected! Tendency to rush!
Pope Francis goes to work with elegance and power! This hall-of-fame lock is the complete package!
Dwayne Johnson throws it away with the game on the line! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Dwayne Johnson, this hall-of-fame lock, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Bill Walton collapses into the first available chair. Anthony Edwards stays standing, eyes glazed over. I learned backstage that Anthony Edwards also does chemist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-128 (L)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
Pope Francis misfires again! Having the new compound-shaped night!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar charges right into the defender! Turnover! Lack of consistency when controlling pace!
This generational talent Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can't recover! Scored on from way beyond the arc! Lack of consistency!
This undisputed superstar Dwayne Johnson slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Halftime! Bill Walton is limping slightly heading off the court. I've been told Bill Walton once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Bill Walton takes a tough two-handed slam and it doesn't go! Ego the size of Texas in shot selection!
Dwayne Johnson, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Anthony Edwards coughs up the basketball! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again off the pick and roll!
This hall-of-fame lock Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
This hall-of-fame lock Kareem Abdul-Jabbar leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Pope Francis stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Bill Walton comes back to get him. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
goated ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Goated!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Standing at 218 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Pope Francis. The man. Is. A chemist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A chemist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their glass beaker and apparently, the technical motion of a chemist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
goated ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
Do you like this creation?
Share it with your friends!
.jpg?width=300&width=400)
