touching tigers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | touching tigers | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Touching tigers! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Caleb Miller on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed IShowSpeed, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if IShowSpeed can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
74-118 (L)
Opening possession for IShowSpeed! First touch, like first touch of their hot mic!
Kai Cenat can't finish! The streamer who finishes the live chat can't finish the play!
Druski gets picked! A comedian getting the stunned audience stolen in broad daylight!
Caleb Miller, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Hot head in the legs!
Caleb Miller storms to the bench! This guy nobody was talking about is visibly upset!
Coach calls everyone back. Caleb Miller drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little secret: Caleb Miller listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This living legend IShowSpeed rattles it out! So close yet so far in transition!
This established player Kai Cenat is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
Caleb Miller trips up in the perimeter! A dogsled musher never trips at work... Right?
This household name IShowSpeed slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Caleb Miller leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a dogsled musher after the frozen trail setback!
Kai Cenat punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. IShowSpeed slides down the wall to the floor. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
87-132 (L)
Druski huddles with the team! Huddling up, the comedian strategizes!
Jayden rameriz, this newcomer, comes up empty! An alley-oop off target driving to the hoop!
This newcomer Jayden rameriz dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Druski bites on the pump fake! This unknown gem sent flying from way beyond the arc!
Caleb Miller walks away muttering! Muttering about the frozen trail under their breath!
Break. Caleb Miller collapses next to the vending machine. I've been told Caleb Miller once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Jayden rameriz fires a finger roll from mid-range but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This absolute legend IShowSpeed has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jayden rameriz, this combo guard, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Caleb Miller drops the head after another miss! Occasional mental lapses sapping the confidence!
This guy with a proven track record Kai Cenat tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Caleb Miller stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Druski comes back to get him. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
81-126 (L)
This global icon IShowSpeed comes out firing! A buzzer beater in the first minute!
Caleb Miller misses at the buzzer! A dogsled musher who missed the deadline!
Kai Cenat tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Kai Cenat left in the dust! Even a streamer moves faster than that!
Jayden rameriz, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Players head to the locker room. Caleb Miller has tape on three fingers. Juicy anecdote: Caleb Miller was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Caleb Miller, this combo guard, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hidden prospect!
Caleb Miller jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for racing the frozen trail tomorrow!
IShowSpeed dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the rapper's finest moment!
Kai Cenat throws their hands up! Like a streamer when their streaming rig breaks!
This potential breakout star Jayden rameriz leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Kai Cenat and IShowSpeed walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
94-116 (L)
Jayden rameriz, this diamond in the rough, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Caleb Miller can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this player nobody saw coming!
Kai Cenat loses the ball! A streamer would never be this careless!
Jayden rameriz gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
Kai Cenat, this combo guard, takes over from the left corner. A finger roll! That's elite!
Time to breathe. IShowSpeed has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: IShowSpeed lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Caleb Miller gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Jayden rameriz, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Injury-prone body!
Kai Cenat communicates the switch! Clear as a streamer's instructions!
This potential breakout star Druski signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
IShowSpeed fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the rapper gave everything!
Kai Cenat mutters while walking out. Jayden rameriz watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Evening confession: I'm wearing Kai Cenat's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-125 (L)
Jayden rameriz, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
Caleb Miller heaves and misses! Should have heaved the frozen trail instead!
Jayden rameriz with the lazy pass! Limited stamina leading to easy points!
Jayden rameriz turns the head and loses the man! This newcomer napping defensively!
This surprise package Jayden rameriz hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
The players head in. Jayden rameriz slips on the wet tunnel floor. Word is Jayden rameriz sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
A pull-up jumper from Druski hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Caleb Miller labors up the court! Trudging like a dogsled musher dragging the frozen trail!
IShowSpeed, this do-it-all player, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Caleb Miller pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The dogsled musher in them is showing!
IShowSpeed had the chances but couldn't convert. This generational talent left wanting.
IShowSpeed's lip is trembling. Kai Cenat dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
81-125 (L)
IShowSpeed sets the tone early! The rapper came to play tonight!
Jayden rameriz pulls up but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Jayden rameriz lets fly into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
IShowSpeed overcommits! Going all-in like a rapper on the fiery bars, but wrong!
Kai Cenat waves off the play! The authority of a streamer in that gesture!
That's a cut. IShowSpeed stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little secret: IShowSpeed watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
IShowSpeed air-mails a finger roll along the baseline! Way off for this household name!
Jayden rameriz is gassed! This diamond in the rough bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Druski coughs it up! A comedian's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Druski mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
Kai Cenat vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their streaming rig reinforced with the live chat!
Kai Cenat scratches the back of his neck nervously. IShowSpeed has the look of someone who has seen things. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
73-118 (L)
IShowSpeed fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy with rings on every finger starting strong!
A finger roll from IShowSpeed catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jayden rameriz blows past the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this total unknown!
Kai Cenat gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Caleb Miller tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the dogsled musher will bounce back!
Halftime! Druski looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little scoop: Druski collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Brick! Druski misfires along the baseline! Hot head at the worst time!
IShowSpeed misses the rotation! Too tired, like a rapper too tired for the fiery bars!
Druski with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost comedian!
Jayden rameriz picks up the second technical! This surprise package ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Druski walks off in defeat! Even a comedian's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jayden rameriz sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Kai Cenat has his head in his hands. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-130 (L)
Caleb Miller begins their shift on the temple of basketball! A dogsled musher starting the their lead sled shift!
Caleb Miller, this newcomer, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Kai Cenat commits the live-ball turnover! Their streaming rig would be ashamed!
Druski gets blown by! Even a comedian couldn't stop that!
Caleb Miller drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a dogsled musher's spirit has limits!
Time to breathe. Jayden rameriz has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Jayden rameriz knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Minnesota Ice-Wall's colors. By accident, obviously. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
IShowSpeed spins the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this certified GOAT candidate!
Caleb Miller wipes sweat with the shorts! Drenched, the dogsled musher has been putting in work!
This dark horse Caleb Miller with turnover number buckets! Ego the size of Texas is piling up!
This hall-of-fame lock IShowSpeed stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Caleb Miller drives past the media. This raw talent not in the mood to talk.
IShowSpeed walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Jayden rameriz speeds up. Wants it to be over. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-130 (L)
And we're underway! Caleb Miller touches the Wilson first! This diamond in the rough looks eager!
Kai Cenat, this league veteran, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jayden rameriz charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
IShowSpeed watches them score! Just watching, like watching their hot mic gather dust!
This potential breakout star Jayden rameriz shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Both teams head in. Kai Cenat has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Fun fact: Kai Cenat blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
IShowSpeed shanks it from the key! Spitting the fiery bars uses different muscles!
Jayden rameriz spins but can't sustain the effort! Occasional mental lapses emptying the tank!
Sloppy handling by Druski! Roasting the stunned audience is done with more finesse!
Druski can't hide the frustration! Their killer timing frustration meets the Wilson frustration!
Jayden rameriz reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Druski watches the crowd file out in silence. Jayden rameriz prefers not to look. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-131 (L)
IShowSpeed steps onto the arena! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
This rising star Druski muscles up a hook shot but can't get it to fall!
This established player Kai Cenat gets pickpocketed from the left corner! Sloppy handling!
Kai Cenat fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a streamer chasing the live chat!
Druski vents at their teammates! The comedian who vents about the stunned audience!
Halftime. IShowSpeed's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. They say IShowSpeed has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Kai Cenat, this tweener, can't get a free throw to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This household name IShowSpeed can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Caleb Miller gets the ball stripped! The frozen trail would have stayed in a dogsled musher's grip!
Druski buries their face! Hidden from view, the comedian can't watch!
IShowSpeed consoles teammates! The heart of a rapper in that moment!
Druski snaps at the bench on his way out. Caleb Miller says nothing, but his look says everything. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Jayden rameriz, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
IShowSpeed lets fly but overcooks it! Tendency to force bad shots showing up again!
Kai Cenat loses possession! The live chat never leaves a streamer's hands like that!
Kai Cenat bites on the fake! Fooled like a streamer by counterfeit the live chat!
Druski crosses over angrily after the turnover! This rising star spiraling!
Halftime! IShowSpeed is limping slightly heading off the court. Rumor has it IShowSpeed does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Caleb Miller misfires in the paint! This guy nobody was talking about searching for answers!
Caleb Miller misses from fatigue! This rising star can't get the elevation from the right corner!
Kai Cenat throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the streamer got too confident!
Druski argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to roasting the stunned audience!
Kai Cenat sits alone on the bench. This next-level player processing the defeat.
Jayden rameriz scratches the back of his neck nervously. Caleb Miller has the look of someone who has seen things. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-131 (L)
Caleb Miller announces themselves! The dogsled musher has arrived and the building knows it!
Kai Cenat just barely misses! Close as a streamer getting the live chat almost right!
Kai Cenat coughs up the pill! Injury-prone body strikes again at the top of the key!
IShowSpeed gets posted up and scored on! This first-ballot legend overpowered!
Kai Cenat shakes their head! A streamer who can't believe that just happened!
Break! Druski takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Druski tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
A catch-and-shoot triple attempt by Kai Cenat falls short! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Caleb Miller soldiers on! The soldier who races the frozen trail with their lead sled!
Kai Cenat, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Kai Cenat can't mask the disappointment! This solid pro wearing it on the sleeve!
Despite the loss, Druski held their own with the stunned audience! The comedian fought!
Kai Cenat walks toward the tunnel without a word. IShowSpeed stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Behind the scenes, I learned IShowSpeed was also a streamer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-129 (L)
This dude out of nowhere Jayden rameriz comes out aggressive! Opens with a double-clutch layup along the baseline!
Jayden rameriz gets a clean look but heavy feet costs the bucket!
This rising star Jayden rameriz forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Caleb Miller falls asleep on the weak side! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Druski, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Halftime. The doctor examines Kai Cenat's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Kai Cenat knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Boston Ring-Chasers's colors. By accident, obviously. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Caleb Miller, this solid build, wastes a golden chance with a wild pull-up jumper!
Kai Cenat, this player making noise, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Jayden rameriz, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass back to the basket!
Caleb Miller kicks the air! The frustration of a dogsled musher who knows they can do better!
IShowSpeed refuses to make excuses! A rapper owns the fiery bars failures too!
Kai Cenat's eyes are glassy. Druski mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-120 (L)
Druski stretches center court! Loosening up, the comedian is getting ready!
IShowSpeed misses! Even a rapper can't fix that shot!
IShowSpeed throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure at the buzzer!
This franchise cornerstone IShowSpeed gives up the offensive rebound! Limited stamina when boxing out!
Jayden rameriz, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Halftime. Kai Cenat glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Locker room anecdote: Kai Cenat talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This surprise package Druski misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Caleb Miller, this all-around player, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Jayden rameriz, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from mid-range!
IShowSpeed mouths off on a clutch free throw! A rapper venting about the fiery bars!
Druski gave it everything! Everything a comedian has, left on the court!
IShowSpeed rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Caleb Miller picks up his own and folds it carefully. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
The game begins and Druski is ready! You can see scary good handles written all over his face!
Caleb Miller shoots an air ball in palpable tension! A dogsled musher lost in the noise!
IShowSpeed, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the pill!
Kai Cenat, this do-it-all player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
This potential breakout star Caleb Miller can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break. Caleb Miller's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Locker room intel: Caleb Miller has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Air ball from Druski! Being a comedian doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This guy with a proven track record Kai Cenat calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Limited stamina taking its toll!
IShowSpeed turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this rapper!
This guy nobody was talking about Druski fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Kai Cenat sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a streamer after their streaming rig broke!
Kai Cenat hurls his water bottle at the wall. Caleb Miller flinches but doesn't react. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
touching tigers finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Caleb Miller.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Touching tigers!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Caleb Miller on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed IShowSpeed, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if IShowSpeed can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
touching tigers finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Caleb Miller.
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