My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Usain Bolt. The man. The beast. Standing at 196 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Usain Bolt, his brother-in-law and an athlete by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying starting blocks and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Usain Bolt can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for personal records to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-119 (L)
This well-respected player Bol Bol comes out firing! A layup in the first minute!
Usain Bolt, this colossus, can't finish from the left corner! That one stings!
Bol Bol, this lightning-quick little man, commits the travel! Ego the size of Texas in the footwork!
Usain Bolt gets screened out! Stuck behind the starting blocks like it's a wall!
This well-respected player Bol Bol capitalizes back to the basket! A hook shot with that dawg mentality!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Barack Obama asks for an ice pack. Fun fact: Barack Obama was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We're back! The players look fired up.
Bol Bol, this up-and-coming baller, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Bol Bol, this undersized dog, loses the handle and the opportunity! Limited stamina!
Bol Bol pushes the pace in transition! Scary good handles showing in every play!
Lola Bunnie calls for the sub! Even a tv host's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Usain Bolt looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for an athlete!
Lola Bunnie sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. J. Cole winces. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
76-118 (L)
This generational talent Barack Obama comes out aggressive! Opens with a free throw from way beyond the arc!
Barack Obama misses the free throw! Rallying the neighborhood under pressure is easier!
Barack Obama forces the pass! Forcing their bullhorn where it doesn't fit!
Usain Bolt, this mountain of a man, gets dunked on from the left corner! Poster material!
This global icon Barack Obama stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break! J. Cole rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little scoop: J. Cole logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Lola Bunnie launches a finger roll and... Airball! Defense that's basically a suggestion at its peak!
This hooper's hooper J. Cole calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Shaky emotions under pressure taking its toll!
J. Cole with a wild pass that sails out! This name that's buzzing giving it away!
Barack Obama, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Usain Bolt goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This undisputed superstar will learn from this.
Usain Bolt whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. J. Cole nods without conviction. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-130 (L)
Tip-off! J. Cole gets us started! Let's go!
Barack Obama bricks another one! Building something awful with their bullhorn tonight!
Barack Obama coughs up the leather! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again from mid-range!
Bol Bol bites on the pump fake! This established player sent flying at the buzzer!
J. Cole, this combo guard, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Halftime. Barack Obama throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know? Barack Obama tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This league veteran Bol Bol muscles up an and-one but can't get it to fall!
This solid pro J. Cole can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This player on the come-up J. Cole dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This basketball god Usain Bolt throws an elbow in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
J. Cole, this established player, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Usain Bolt's eyes are red, jaw tight. Bol Bol apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned backstage that Bol Bol also does athlete on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
87-131 (L)
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
Usain Bolt gets blocked! Rejected harder than an athlete's worst day on the job!
J. Cole with the errant pass! This established player needs to settle down!
J. Cole, this do-it-all player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
Lola Bunnie goes to work the towel! This rising star showing occasional mental lapses!
Break! Barack Obama rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Quick anecdote about Barack Obama: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Barack Obama misses from the corner! Driving to the hoop is no place for their bullhorn!
J. Cole, this player making noise, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Bol Bol posts up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Usain Bolt, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
J. Cole sits alone on the bench. This respected competitor processing the defeat.
Barack Obama sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. J. Cole puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
91-133 (L)
This solid pro J. Cole in the starting lineup! Let's see what this solid pro brings!
Lola Bunnie misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Usain Bolt throws it away! A pass worse than an athlete tossing the personal records!
J. Cole, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily in transition! Tendency to rush!
Lola Bunnie slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a tv host hits the workbench!
The locker room fills up. Usain Bolt has already eaten three oranges. Juicy anecdote: Usain Bolt was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Lola Bunnie forces a step-back three from the left corner! This hidden prospect trying too hard!
Lola Bunnie labors up the court! Trudging like a tv host dragging the game!
Bol Bol, this short king, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the leather!
Usain Bolt is visibly upset! Upset as an athlete when the personal records goes sideways!
Lola Bunnie walks off in defeat! Even a tv host's skills couldn't save tonight!
J. Cole chews his nails on the bench. Usain Bolt stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-113 (L)
J. Cole, this next-level player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
J. Cole, this all-around player, gets the separation but can't finish! Limited stamina!
Bol Bol charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
Lola Bunnie gets posterized! A tv host framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
A step-back three by Bol Bol at half court! Eyes in the back of the head in every fiber!
Halftime whistle! J. Cole grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: J. Cole listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Barack Obama kicks the air! The frustration of a community organizer who knows they can do better!
Bol Bol, this pocket rocket, wastes a golden chance with a wild and-one!
Lola Bunnie overloads one side! Loading up with tv host strategy!
Lola Bunnie, this do-it-all player, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This guy with rings on every finger Usain Bolt tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Usain Bolt walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Barack Obama speeds up. Wants it to be over. I learned tonight that Usain Bolt used to be an athlete. That explains the unique running style. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-117 (L)
This legit talent J. Cole catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Usain Bolt misses! Even an athlete can't fix that shot!
Bol Bol, this pint-sized baller, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Lola Bunnie can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
This respected competitor Bol Bol punishes the defense with a buzzer beater at the buzzer!
Halftime! Bol Bol is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Bol Bol fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Usain Bolt waves off the play! The authority of an athlete in that gesture!
Bol Bol, this next-level player, sends the orange wide! The touch is off tonight!
Usain Bolt spaces the floor! Making room out there like an athlete clears the workspace!
Bol Bol is gassed! This player making noise bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Barack Obama leaves the hardwood with dignity! The dignity of a community organizer with their bullhorn!
J. Cole and Bol Bol share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
78-116 (L)
This league veteran Bol Bol opens the scoring! A floater! Early advantage!
Air ball from Lola Bunnie! Being a tv host doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Barack Obama loses possession! The neighborhood never leaves a community organizer's hands like that!
This next-level player Bol Bol misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This respected competitor Bol Bol can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Players head to the locker room. Usain Bolt has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Usain Bolt slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Brick! Lola Bunnie misfires under the basket! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Lola Bunnie tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a tv host's energy for the game!
J. Cole tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Occasional mental lapses in the decision-making!
Bol Bol slams the basketball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Lola Bunnie hangs their head! A tv host who gave everything they had!
Barack Obama and Lola Bunnie walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
91-107 (L)
J. Cole, this well-respected player, draws first blood! A pull-up jumper to start!
Lola Bunnie misfires on the floater! Too much float, the tv host touch abandoned them!
J. Cole blows past the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this player making noise!
This respected competitor J. Cole caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Barack Obama treats the Spalding like the neighborhood and sinks it. Easy as pie for a community organizer!
Break. Lola Bunnie asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Physio's confession: Lola Bunnie purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Usain Bolt, this guy with rings on every finger, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
Lola Bunnie, this raw talent, comes up empty! A bucket off target from mid-range!
Bol Bol explodes into the right spacing! Next-level basketball IQ and elite court awareness!
J. Cole, this tweener, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
J. Cole, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.
Lola Bunnie's face is locked shut, zero emotion. J. Cole hides his eyes under a towel. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
85-129 (L)
Usain Bolt stretches center court! Loosening up, the athlete is getting ready!
This unknown gem Lola Bunnie with a rare miss at the top of the key! Even the best stumble!
This player on the come-up J. Cole with turnover number lengths ahead! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
J. Cole turns the head and loses the man! This next-level player napping defensively!
J. Cole picks up the second technical! This league veteran ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Both teams head in. Barack Obama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know? Barack Obama tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
J. Cole misfires under the basket! Even this seasoned vet has off nights!
Usain Bolt drags their feet! Heavy as the starting blocks at the end of a shift!
This solid pro Bol Bol gets pickpocketed at half court! Sloppy handling!
Bol Bol, this pocket rocket, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Barack Obama shakes hands through the pain! A community organizer who respects their bullhorn and the game!
J. Cole kicks his towel across the floor. Barack Obama has already left for the locker room, alone. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-111 (L)
The floor welcomes Lola Bunnie! The tv host with the game has arrived!
Usain Bolt misses the open look! This household name can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Bol Bol throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure in the paint!
Barack Obama watches helplessly! A community organizer watching the neighborhood fall off the shelf!
Barack Obama, this solid build, dominates back to the basket and puts up a free throw! Unstoppable!
Halftime whistle. Lola Bunnie high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know Lola Bunnie keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Lola Bunnie, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
J. Cole fires a layup from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
Bol Bol spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
This basketball god Usain Bolt stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 48 regulation minutes!
Usain Bolt tips the cap to the winners! The athlete's grace with the personal records!
Usain Bolt and J. Cole walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I learned tonight that Usain Bolt used to be an athlete. That explains the unique running style. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
97-108 (L)
This seasoned vet J. Cole means business! Fast start from the right corner!
Barack Obama fires and misses from mid-range. Should have stuck with the neighborhood!
Stolen from Usain Bolt! An athlete who let it slip through their fingers!
Barack Obama gives up the easy bucket! Easier than rallying the neighborhood!
Usain Bolt pulls up past everyone for a layup! This walking skyscraper on a mission!
The players disappear. Lola Bunnie has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Lola Bunnie once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Lola Bunnie, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Bol Bol dishes the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this guy with a proven track record!
Barack Obama makes the hockey pass! Eyes in the back of the head finding the extra pass!
This established player J. Cole is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
This seasoned vet J. Cole leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
J. Cole's eyes are red, jaw tight. Usain Bolt apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-119 (L)
Bol Bol attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This name that's buzzing locked in!
Barack Obama misses the bunny! A community organizer dropping the neighborhood from point-blank!
Barack Obama with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the neighborhood!
Barack Obama gets blown by! Even a community organizer couldn't stop that!
This up-and-coming baller Bol Bol hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the top of the key!
End of the first act. J. Cole is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: J. Cole once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Lola Bunnie can't hit from the corner! That zone is cursed for this tv host!
Bol Bol bends over during the dead ball! This player making noise gathering what's left!
Lola Bunnie with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Barack Obama goes to work away from the huddle! This all-time great in a dark place mentally!
Bol Bol walks off in silence. This up-and-coming baller gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Usain Bolt and J. Cole walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-118 (L)
Usain Bolt, this beanpole, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Bol Bol pulls up the rock into nothing! Sometimes predictable game on full display tonight!
Barack Obama dribbles it off their foot! Their bullhorn would never betray a community organizer like that!
Usain Bolt reacts too late to rotate! Hot head on the help side!
J. Cole storms to the bench! This established player is visibly upset!
Both teams head in. Lola Bunnie has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little scoop: Lola Bunnie tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
J. Cole forces a bad deep three! This player on the come-up needs to trust teammates!
Lola Bunnie bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a tv host after their bare hands overtime!
Bol Bol, this little thunder, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Barack Obama, this generational talent, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Lola Bunnie leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a tv host after the game setback!
J. Cole lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Usain Bolt holds his in. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-119 (L)
Usain Bolt locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an athlete who means business!
Barack Obama misses on the decisive possession! A community organizer dropping the neighborhood at the worst time!
J. Cole, this versatile guy, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
Barack Obama gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a community organizer's worst day on the job!
Bol Bol takes off and kicks the stanchion! This seasoned vet losing composure!
Halftime. J. Cole wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. The staff told me J. Cole sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
An alley-oop from J. Cole sails wide! This next-level player needs to regroup!
Bol Bol short-arms the shot from fatigue! This dude putting the league on notice has nothing left!
This league veteran Bol Bol commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Usain Bolt gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Bol Bol, this dude putting the league on notice, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Bol Bol takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Lola Bunnie doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Usain Bolt.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Usain Bolt. The man. The beast. Standing at 196 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Usain Bolt, his brother-in-law and an athlete by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying starting blocks and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Usain Bolt can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for personal records to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Usain Bolt.
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