My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Shaquille O'Neal. The man. The beast. Standing at 216 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Michael Jackson, his brother-in-law and a philanthropist by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying bare hands and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Michael Jackson can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the game to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Galactus forces up a free throw over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
Spider-Man with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Spider-Man, this undersized dog, gets exploited in the switch! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed in the mismatch!
Joe Biden, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Off to the locker room. Shaquille O'Neal has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Michael Jackson, this little guy, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
Michael Jackson, this low-to-the-ground speedster, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Spider-Man loses the leather! A superhero would never be this careless!
Michael Jackson, this generational talent, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
Despite the loss, Michael Jackson held their own with the game! The philanthropist fought!
Michael Jackson kicks his towel across the floor. Joe Biden has already left for the locker room, alone. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
83-118 (L)
This undisputed superstar Joe Biden gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, wastes a golden chance with a wild step-back three!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!
This potential GOAT Michael Jackson gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to rush when boxing out!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Rest. Joe Biden buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Locker room intel: Joe Biden has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
A reverse layup by Shaquille O'Neal on the low block is way off! Tough night for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to force bad shots!
Michael Jackson throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure at the buzzer!
Shaquille O'Neal storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden shakes hands and moves on. In the end, ego the size of Texas proved costly.
Spider-Man sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Shaquille O'Neal puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
86-131 (L)
This potential GOAT Michael Jackson comes out aggressive! Opens with a two-handed slam along the baseline!
Spider-Man shoots and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
This undisputed superstar Joe Biden forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Spider-Man gets crossed over! This franchise cornerstone left frozen from mid-range!
Shaquille O'Neal slams the damn ball in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Break. Joe Biden's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Intel: Joe Biden asked Orlando Magic-Beans for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Galactus can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this total unknown!
Joe Biden grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their lecture notes in the workshop!
Joe Biden with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost university professor!
Joe Biden shakes their head! A university professor who can't believe that just happened!
Galactus posts up to the tunnel in disappointment. This who-is-this-guy player will learn from this.
Michael Jackson watches the crowd file out in silence. Shaquille O'Neal prefers not to look. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
110-113 (L)
Michael Jackson stretches center court! Loosening up, the philanthropist is getting ready!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, muscles in for a pull-up jumper! Pure power!
Shaquille O'Neal falls asleep on the weak side! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Spider-Man misses at the buzzer! A superhero who missed the deadline!
Spider-Man, this absolute legend, with the gutsy play! Clawing back one possession at a time!
Halftime. Spider-Man is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Spider-Man collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This global icon Spider-Man misses the free throws! Limited stamina at the line!
This generational talent Spider-Man stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, stands tall when the team needs this household name most!
Joe Biden sends the free throw long! Overcooked it, the university professor touch is off tonight!
Joe Biden leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a university professor after the young scholars setback!
Spider-Man stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Michael Jackson exhales. Again. And again. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
93-109 (L)
Galactus takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Michael Jackson shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a philanthropist would cringe!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
This household name Shaquille O'Neal fouls reaching in! Defense that's basically a suggestion on defense!
Michael Jackson knocks down a double-clutch layup from mid-range! Ice in the veins!
Break. Galactus collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Galactus entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Joe Biden stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
A floater from Galactus hits the iron! Heavy feet under the spotlight!
Joe Biden, this solid build, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Joe Biden bends over during the dead ball! This absolute legend gathering what's left!
This basketball god Michael Jackson stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this basketball god wanted.
Shaquille O'Neal closes his eyes walking out. Spider-Man keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
75-119 (L)
Tip-off! Galactus gets us started! Let's go!
Galactus, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Michael Jackson, this little guy, steps out of bounds with the Spalding! Mental lapse!
Spider-Man gets blown by! Even a superhero couldn't stop that!
Michael Jackson glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this philanthropist!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Joe Biden to massage his thighs. Locker room intel: Joe Biden has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Joe Biden bobbles and misses! Fumbling the orange like it's a Monday morning!
Galactus steps back sluggishly! Heavy feet catching up with this newcomer!
Shaquille O'Neal throws it into the stands! What was that from this basketball god!
Galactus, this rising star, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Michael Jackson consoles teammates! The heart of a philanthropist in that moment!
Galactus turns back to look at the court one last time. Joe Biden doesn't turn around. I learned backstage that Joe Biden also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
78-122 (L)
Michael Jackson fires up the crowd to open the game! This once-in-a-lifetime player starting strong!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, comes up empty! A hook shot off target in the paint!
Shaquille O'Neal coughs up the ball! Lack of consistency strikes again from mid-range!
Michael Jackson loses the screen battle! Heavy feet around the picks!
Spider-Man is visibly upset! Upset as a superhero when the game goes sideways!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Shaquille O'Neal has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back! The players look fired up.
Spider-Man heaves and misses! Should have heaved the game instead!
Joe Biden struggles in the closing moments! The university professor hitting the wall with the young scholars!
Joe Biden throws it out of bounds! Like launching their lecture notes into the void!
This franchise cornerstone Spider-Man hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
Joe Biden walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Michael Jackson sits on the floor in the hallway. Spider-Man sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-127 (L)
Joe Biden dishes with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Galactus misfires facing the rim! Even this dude out of nowhere has off nights!
Shaquille O'Neal with the backcourt violation! This potential GOAT under too much pressure!
Spider-Man gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Joe Biden waves off the play! The authority of a university professor in that gesture!
Well-deserved break. Michael Jackson looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Small detail: Michael Jackson whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Spider-Man sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Joe Biden is gassed! More tired than after a full day of challenging the young scholars!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Michael Jackson storms to the bench! Heated! This philanthropist doesn't handle losing well!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, hangs the head. Tough loss despite freakish explosiveness effort.
Joe Biden pulls his cap down over his eyes. Galactus doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
73-118 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, is introduced and the arena explodes! This living legend is in the building!
Joe Biden whiffs on the jumper! A university professor off their game with their lecture notes!
Michael Jackson with the errant pass! This certified GOAT candidate needs to settle down!
Spider-Man fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a superhero chasing the game!
Shaquille O'Neal, this basketball god, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
End of the first act. Shaquille O'Neal is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Shaquille O'Neal has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Galactus gets a clean look but injury-prone body costs the bucket!
Galactus is visibly tired! This player nobody saw coming needs a timeout badly!
Stolen from Michael Jackson! A philanthropist who let it slip through their fingers!
Michael Jackson, this little thunder, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Shaquille O'Neal had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy with rings on every finger left wanting.
Galactus lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Shaquille O'Neal decides not to comment. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-113 (L)
Michael Jackson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with philanthropist energy!
Shaquille O'Neal blows past the basketball into nothing! Tendency to rush on full display tonight!
Turnover by Spider-Man! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Galactus, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Michael Jackson blows past with the precision of a philanthropist at work. And it's a buzzer-beater!
Intermission. Michael Jackson dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Quick anecdote about Michael Jackson: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Galactus can't mask the disappointment! This surprise package wearing it on the sleeve!
Michael Jackson can't finish! The philanthropist who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Spider-Man, this generational talent, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a fadeaway jumper!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This hidden prospect Galactus tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Michael Jackson walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Joe Biden drags one foot after the other. Tonight I had a revelation: Joe Biden runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-125 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, draws first blood! A tear drop to start!
Galactus takes off but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!
Spider-Man coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Spider-Man overcommits! Going all-in like a superhero on the game, but wrong!
Shaquille O'Neal mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Rest. Spider-Man buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know? Spider-Man once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Spider-Man, this global icon, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Spider-Man, this all-time great, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Spider-Man gets picked! A superhero getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Galactus dunks angrily after the turnover! This guy nobody was talking about spiraling!
This rising star Galactus congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this rising star.
Joe Biden pulls his cap down over his eyes. Shaquille O'Neal doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
81-125 (L)
The game begins and Galactus is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal shanks a deep three on the low block! That's uncharacteristic!
Galactus, this smooth operator, gets stripped at half court! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal bites on the fake! Beaten from mid-range!
Joe Biden kicks the air! The frustration of a university professor who knows they can do better!
Break! Joe Biden rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Joe Biden talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Spider-Man lets fly but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
Spider-Man misses from fatigue! This living legend can't get the elevation from downtown!
Michael Jackson dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a philanthropist like that!
Galactus spins the towel! This who-is-this-guy player showing sometimes predictable game!
Michael Jackson vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Michael Jackson lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Shaquille O'Neal holds his in. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-120 (L)
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal means business! Fast start in the paint!
A scoop layup from Spider-Man goes in and out! Heartbreaking from downtown!
This rising star Galactus with turnover number buckets! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Joe Biden loses their assignment! Like losing their lecture notes in the workshop!
Spider-Man buries their face! Hidden from view, the superhero can't watch!
Players head to the locker room. Michael Jackson has tape on three fingers. I've been told Michael Jackson once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Joe Biden launches and misses! The leather isn't the young scholars, and it shows!
Galactus, this do-it-all player, laboring up and down! Occasional mental lapses draining the energy!
Shaquille O'Neal with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jackson gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Galactus dunks past the media. This dark horse not in the mood to talk.
Michael Jackson snaps at the bench on his way out. Spider-Man says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-134 (L)
This basketball god Spider-Man opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Joe Biden with the off-balance off-balance shot! This hall-of-fame lock couldn't set the feet!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the top of the key!
Joe Biden gets posterized! A university professor framed by their lecture notes in the worst way!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Well-deserved break. Michael Jackson looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Small detail: Michael Jackson wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
An and-one from Galactus sails wide! This diamond in the rough needs to regroup!
Spider-Man tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a superhero's energy for the game!
Joe Biden posts up the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this household name!
Michael Jackson gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Spider-Man wipes a tear! A superhero who poured everything into the effort!
Michael Jackson shakes Joe Biden's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this first-ballot legend!
Shaquille O'Neal with a rough floater from mid-range! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Shaquille O'Neal charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Spider-Man can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Shaquille O'Neal drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Both teams head to the locker room. Joe Biden wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Joe Biden believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Spider-Man misses on the final possession! A superhero dropping the game at the worst time!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, looks exhausted at half court! The legs are gone!
Galactus passes to nobody! This hidden prospect with a head-scratching decision!
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Spider-Man leaves the gym with dignity! The dignity of a superhero with their bare hands!
Michael Jackson pulls his cap down over his eyes. Galactus doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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Season journal
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