Weirdest NBA Lineup Ever — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Weirdest NBA Lineup Ever | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Weirdest NBA Lineup Ever! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Kobe Bryant. Standing at 198 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed IShowSpeed, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if IShowSpeed can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
92-116 (L)
67 kid, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
IShowSpeed can't connect! Their hot mic in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
IShowSpeed trips up in the three-point line! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
IShowSpeed falls asleep on the weak side! Injury-prone body exposed!
67 kid with pure God-given talent finds the angle for a pull-up jumper!
Cut! Halftime. Kai Cenat's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. I've been told Kai Cenat always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Homer Simpson, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the buzzer!
A hook shot from 67 kid goes in and out! Heartbreaking back to the basket!
Kai Cenat, this tweener, exploits the mismatch from way beyond the arc! Smart play!
Homer Simpson is running on fumes! The security guard tank is completely empty!
Kobe Bryant lets fly past the media. This potential GOAT not in the mood to talk.
67 kid taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Kai Cenat walks through the door without pushing it. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-103 (L)
67 kid announces themselves! The student has arrived and the building knows it!
67 kid misfires! The student's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Kai Cenat coughs up the damn ball! Hot head strikes again on the low block!
IShowSpeed overcommits! Going all-in like a rapper on the fiery bars, but wrong!
IShowSpeed muscles through for a pull-up jumper! The strength of a rapper moving the fiery bars!
Halftime. Kai Cenat throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Kai Cenat failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
This household name Kobe Bryant gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Kai Cenat misfires at the buzzer! Their streaming rig calibration needed!
67 kid, this do-it-all player, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Kai Cenat misses from fatigue! This dude putting the league on notice can't get the elevation from way beyond the arc!
Homer Simpson wipes a tear! A security guard who poured everything into the effort!
67 kid hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Homer Simpson keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
105-112 (L)
Homer Simpson looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
IShowSpeed with a wild attempt! This potential GOAT not finding the range tonight!
Turnover by Kai Cenat! Entertaining the live chat requires less coordination, clearly!
IShowSpeed gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the fiery bars behind their hot mic!
IShowSpeed, this swiss-army-knife type, overpowers for a step-back three! Size matters!
Halftime! Kai Cenat looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Intel: Kai Cenat asked Orlando Magic-Beans for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
IShowSpeed storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Kobe Bryant fades away and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Kai Cenat communicates the switch! Clear as a streamer's instructions!
Kobe Bryant is gassed! This franchise cornerstone bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
67 kid sits alone on the bench. This hungry young player processing the defeat.
IShowSpeed walks head down toward the tunnel. Kobe Bryant drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
95-127 (L)
Homer Simpson, this hungry young player, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
67 kid sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this student!
Kobe Bryant spins the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
Kobe Bryant overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
Kobe Bryant scores with silky smooth technique. A devastating dunk off the pick and roll! Too smooth!
Halftime whistle. 67 kid high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little scoop: 67 kid tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
IShowSpeed drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
Kai Cenat, this next-level player, with the shot-clock heave! No good on the low block!
This unknown gem 67 kid calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
IShowSpeed, this swiss-army-knife type, looks exhausted along the baseline! The legs are gone!
This hungry young player Homer Simpson leaves the arena with head held high. Fought to the end.
Kai Cenat isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Kobe Bryant tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-121 (L)
Kai Cenat takes off with energy from the opening whistle! This league veteran locked in!
Homer Simpson misses! Even a security guard can't fix that shot!
Stolen from 67 kid! A student who let it slip through their fingers!
This diamond in the rough Homer Simpson can't recover! Scored on in the paint! Sometimes predictable game!
The technical flair of IShowSpeed recalls their rapper days. A buzzer-beater! Sublime!
The players head in. 67 kid slips on the wet tunnel floor. Word is 67 kid sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This household name Kobe Bryant hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Kai Cenat, this seasoned vet, fumbles the finish at the buzzer! Back to the drawing board!
IShowSpeed directs traffic on the arena! Traffic control by a rapper with the fiery bars!
Homer Simpson calls for the sub! Even a security guard's stamina with their security badge has limits!
IShowSpeed fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the rapper gave everything!
67 kid sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Kai Cenat has his head in his hands. I learned tonight that 67 kid used to be a student. That explains the unique running style. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
121-98 (W)
IShowSpeed comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the rapper means business!
67 kid just treated the Spalding way they treat the game. A two-handed slam, bang!
67 kid, this all-around player, contests everything at half court! Natural-born leadership on full display!
67 kid fades away and creates! Another assist facing the rim! Quarterback!
Kai Cenat executes an aggressive small-ball lineup perfectly! Precision learned as a streamer!
Halftime. 67 kid is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know 67 kid plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
IShowSpeed pulls up and drills a half-court heave! Can't teach that!
An incredible energy as 67 kid, this combo guard, is introduced! Goosebumps!
This newcomer Homer Simpson swings the Spalding around! Ridiculous creativity ball movement!
This household name Kobe Bryant silences the noise! A killer instinct locked in! Nothing else matters!
IShowSpeed, this living legend, points to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! This was for the fans!
67 kid does a cartwheel at center court. IShowSpeed tries one too and eats it. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
100-114 (L)
The court welcomes IShowSpeed! The rapper with the fiery bars has arrived!
67 kid launches a layup and... Airball! Limited stamina at its peak!
Kai Cenat forces the pass! Forcing their streaming rig where it doesn't fit!
Kobe Bryant gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
This newcomer 67 kid with a vintage off-balance shot! The old magic is still there!
Halftime whistle. 67 kid has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Intel: 67 kid refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. We're back! The players look fired up.
Kai Cenat, this next-level player, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
IShowSpeed, this absolute legend, with a contested tear drop that misses from the right corner!
Kobe Bryant makes the hockey pass! Natural-born leadership finding the extra pass!
Kobe Bryant, this certified GOAT candidate, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
Homer Simpson vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their security badge reinforced with the restricted zone!
Kai Cenat watches the crowd file out in silence. IShowSpeed prefers not to look. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-113 (L)
Kai Cenat, this solid build, is introduced and the arena explodes! This respected competitor is in the building!
IShowSpeed can't score in the first quarter! This rapper is way off tonight!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Kai Cenat gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a streamer's worst day on the job!
Kai Cenat, this swiss-army-knife type, posts up and delivers a hook shot! Textbook!
Halftime. IShowSpeed throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: IShowSpeed lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Homer Simpson throws their hands up! Like a security guard when their security badge breaks!
Kai Cenat misfires driving to the hoop! Even this respected competitor has off nights!
Kobe Bryant dribbles to the right spot! An off-the-charts basketball IQ off-ball movement!
Homer Simpson needs oxygen! More winded than a security guard after overtime!
IShowSpeed takes the loss hard! Hard as the fiery bars on a bad rapper day!
Homer Simpson unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Kai Cenat runs a hand down his face. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-96 (W)
This next-level player Kai Cenat gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kai Cenat rejects the layup! A flawless defensive rotation by this tweener! Get that out!
Kobe Bryant, this tower, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kobe Bryant, this potential GOAT, threads the needle for an off-balance shot from the left corner!
IShowSpeed, this franchise cornerstone, orchestrates the delay game! Iron discipline in action!
Back in the locker room, Kobe Bryant sits down and stares at the ceiling. I've been told Kobe Bryant once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Kobe Bryant nails the free throws to ice it! This first-ballot legend with steady hands!
Homer Simpson switches seamlessly! Versatile as a security guard switching between their security badge and the restricted zone!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant has the arena rocking! Wild stands off the charts!
Homer Simpson drains the clutch free throw! Steady as a security guard steadying their security badge!
This dude out of nowhere Homer Simpson caps off a special night! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Until next time!
67 kid takes a bow for the crowd. IShowSpeed bows to 67 kid. The nobility of basketball. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-120 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy with rings on every finger brings!
Homer Simpson rises up but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Homer Simpson with a wild pass that sails out! This raw talent giving it away!
IShowSpeed watches helplessly! A rapper watching the fiery bars fall off the shelf!
Kobe Bryant, this certified GOAT candidate, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
Back to the locker room. Homer Simpson's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. True story: Homer Simpson walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Kai Cenat shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a streamer would cringe!
Kobe Bryant grabs the shorts! This hall-of-fame lock is running on fumes!
Kai Cenat throws it out of bounds! Like launching their streaming rig into the void!
67 kid, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!
IShowSpeed, this versatile guy, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Kai Cenat rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. IShowSpeed picks up his own and folds it carefully. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
104-115 (L)
IShowSpeed huddles with the team! Huddling up, the rapper strategizes!
IShowSpeed fires a brick at the top of the key! Way off, even for a rapper!
67 kid double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Homer Simpson reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
This potential breakout star 67 kid does it again! A pull-up jumper with effortless precision!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant slides down against the hallway wall. The staff told me Kobe Bryant sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
This household name Kobe Bryant shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This hungry young player 67 kid throws up a prayer at the buzzer! Not answered!
Kai Cenat with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic streamer misdirection!
Kai Cenat is cramping up! This well-respected player trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kai Cenat sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a streamer after their streaming rig broke!
67 kid is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. IShowSpeed waits at the tunnel entrance. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-114 (L)
This diamond in the rough Homer Simpson means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Homer Simpson can't convert! The security guard's touch with the restricted zone deserted them!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, gets stripped in transition! Heavy feet exposed!
67 kid bites on the pump fake! This newcomer sent flying in the paint!
Kai Cenat argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to entertaining the live chat!
Halftime. Kobe Bryant throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little scoop: Kobe Bryant tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
IShowSpeed bobbles and misses! Fumbling the basketball like it's a Monday morning!
Homer Simpson crosses over but can't sustain the effort! Injury-prone body emptying the tank!
Kai Cenat loses the rock! A streamer would never be this careless!
Kai Cenat, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Homer Simpson tips the cap to the winners! The security guard's grace with the restricted zone!
67 kid and Kai Cenat share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Did you know that Kai Cenat practices student on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
97-120 (L)
Kai Cenat checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Kobe Bryant with the off-balance fadeaway jumper! This household name couldn't set the feet!
This raw talent 67 kid with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
IShowSpeed gets blown by! Even a rapper couldn't stop that!
A tear drop by Kai Cenat under the basket! A gym-rat work ethic in every fiber!
Back to the locker room. Kai Cenat punches his locker. Fun fact: Kai Cenat blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
IShowSpeed kicks the air! The frustration of a rapper who knows they can do better!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant misses the mark! A pull-up jumper goes begging from mid-range!
Kai Cenat steps back to the weak side! This legit talent exploiting the rotation!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 48 regulation minutes!
Kai Cenat packs up and heads out! Packing their streaming rig, unpacking emotions!
67 kid unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. IShowSpeed runs a hand down his face. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
IShowSpeed takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The rapper with their hot mic is here!
Kai Cenat, this up-and-coming baller, comes up empty! A layup off target from way beyond the arc!
IShowSpeed gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
IShowSpeed, this smooth operator, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
67 kid fires away and kicks the stanchion! This hungry young player losing composure!
Break! Kobe Bryant rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This guy nobody was talking about 67 kid short-arms a buzzer-beater driving to the hoop! Not enough lift!
Kobe Bryant dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
67 kid penetrates carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Kobe Bryant slams the basketball in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Kobe Bryant reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Kai Cenat hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Kobe Bryant keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-120 (L)
Kai Cenat gets the starting nod! A streamer starting with their streaming rig confidence!
67 kid can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the rock differently than the game!
Kai Cenat commits the live-ball turnover! Their streaming rig would be ashamed!
67 kid gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
IShowSpeed goes to work angrily after the turnover! This global icon spiraling!
Off to the locker room. Kobe Bryant has already drained two water bottles. Juicy anecdote: Kobe Bryant was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Brick! Homer Simpson misfires at the buzzer! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Homer Simpson soldiers on! The soldier who guards the restricted zone with their security badge!
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant loses concentration and the leather with it!
Kobe Bryant, this living legend, barks at the teammate! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
IShowSpeed walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rapper life tomorrow!
Kai Cenat walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. IShowSpeed drags one foot after the other. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Weirdest NBA Lineup Ever finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kobe Bryant.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Weirdest NBA Lineup Ever!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Kobe Bryant. Standing at 198 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed IShowSpeed, his brother-in-law and a rapper by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their hot mic and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if IShowSpeed can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the fiery bars to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
Weirdest NBA Lineup Ever finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kobe Bryant.
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