My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | New York Over-Timers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is George Washington. Standing at 74 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Abraham Lincoln is on this team. Abraham Lincoln, who is a farmer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with seed dibber under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
And we're underway! Thomas Jefferson touches the orange first! This franchise cornerstone looks eager!
Thomas Jefferson sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this inventor!
Joe Biden gets picked! A university professor getting the young scholars stolen in broad daylight!
Abraham Lincoln watches them score! Just watching, like watching the seed dibber gather dust!
George Washington mouths off in the money time! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
Break! Abraham Lincoln has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Abraham Lincoln threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
George Washington misses the open look! A farmer never misses the stubborn soil... But misses the Spalding!
Abraham Lincoln is clearly fatigued! The 48 regulation minutes of this plus the 48 regulation minutes of cultivating the stubborn soil!
This hall-of-fame lock Abraham Lincoln commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to force bad shots!
Barack Obama walks away muttering! Muttering about the neighborhood under their breath!
George Washington packs up and heads out! Packing the seed dibber, unpacking emotions!
Thomas Jefferson turns back to look at the court one last time. George Washington doesn't turn around. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
77-122 (L)
Thomas Jefferson, this household name, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
Abraham Lincoln rattles it out! Shaking the temple of basketball with the seed dibber intensity!
Thomas Jefferson charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Joe Biden can't contain the drive! Challenging the young scholars is more containable!
Abraham Lincoln storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
The locker room. George Washington sprawls out full-length on the bench. True story: George Washington had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Barack Obama misses! Even a community organizer can't fix that shot!
Abraham Lincoln stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a farmer over the stubborn soil!
This once-in-a-lifetime player George Washington dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Thomas Jefferson slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Abraham Lincoln refuses to make excuses! A farmer owns the stubborn soil failures too!
Barack Obama claps his hands in frustration. Joe Biden clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
77-120 (L)
Thomas Jefferson lands the first devastating dunk! First blood! The inventor strikes first!
Barack Obama misfires on the floater! Too much float, the community organizer touch abandoned them!
George Washington coughs up the Spalding! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again at the top of the key!
Joe Biden gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the young scholars on a rough day!
Thomas Jefferson throws their hands up! Like an inventor when their prototype sketch breaks!
Break. Barack Obama collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. The staff told me Barack Obama sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! The players look fired up.
Barack Obama launches from deep and misses! A community organizer's range doesn't apply here!
Thomas Jefferson looks to the bench for relief! Relief like an inventor relieved of their prototype sketch!
George Washington throws it out of bounds! Like launching the seed dibber into the void!
This franchise cornerstone Thomas Jefferson gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Joe Biden reflects on what could have been. Occasional mental lapses the difference tonight.
George Washington bites the inside of his cheek. Abraham Lincoln pinches the bridge of his nose. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
82-127 (L)
George Washington opens with a buzzer-beater! This franchise cornerstone making an early statement!
Abraham Lincoln bricks it! Not the same accuracy as cultivating the stubborn soil!
Turnover by Abraham Lincoln! Cultivating the stubborn soil requires less coordination, clearly!
This generational talent Barack Obama caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
George Washington argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to cultivating the stubborn soil!
End of the second quarter. Thomas Jefferson is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Rumor has it Thomas Jefferson does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, wastes a golden chance with a wild pull-up jumper!
Abraham Lincoln, this absolute legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Barack Obama dunks the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this basketball god!
George Washington, this pocket rocket, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
George Washington walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Abraham Lincoln has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Barack Obama has aged ten years in forty minutes. I learned backstage that Barack Obama also does community organizer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-113 (L)
The game begins and Thomas Jefferson is ready! You can see that dawg mentality written all over his face!
Joe Biden skips it off the rim! The young scholars has better hop than that!
Joe Biden double-dribbles! Challenging the young scholars doesn't have that rule!
Barack Obama gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the neighborhood behind their bullhorn!
Joe Biden goes to work from mid-range with the same confidence they bring to challenging the young scholars.
Heading in. Joe Biden's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: Joe Biden collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This franchise cornerstone Abraham Lincoln fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
A sky hook from Barack Obama goes in and out! Heartbreaking at half court!
Barack Obama pushes the pace in transition! Iron discipline showing in every play!
Abraham Lincoln grabs the shorts! This absolute legend is running on fumes!
George Washington, this little thunder, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Barack Obama claps his hands in frustration. Joe Biden clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-124 (L)
Barack Obama begins their shift on the hardwood! A community organizer starting the their bullhorn shift!
George Washington misfires again! Having the stubborn soil-shaped night!
Barack Obama with the backcourt violation! This first-ballot legend under too much pressure!
This household name Thomas Jefferson bites on the fake! Beaten from way beyond the arc!
Joe Biden can't mask the disappointment! This undisputed superstar wearing it on the sleeve!
Back in the locker room, George Washington sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: George Washington was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Abraham Lincoln whiffs on the jumper! A farmer off their game with the seed dibber!
Joe Biden can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of challenging the young scholars!
Abraham Lincoln, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Barack Obama tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the community organizer will bounce back!
Thomas Jefferson sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Thomas Jefferson isolates in a corner, back against the wall. George Washington tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
78-123 (L)
George Washington huddles with the team! Huddling up, the farmer strategizes!
Barack Obama, this tweener, can't finish at the top of the key! That one stings!
Joe Biden drives carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
George Washington gets screened out of the play! This generational talent lost in traffic!
This all-time great Joe Biden shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The locker room. George Washington sprawls out full-length on the bench. Rumor has it George Washington has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Brick! George Washington misfires from way beyond the arc! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
George Washington gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a farmer begging the stubborn soil for mercy!
Abraham Lincoln throws it away! Hot head under pressure in the paint!
Barack Obama slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a community organizer hits the workbench!
Joe Biden fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the university professor gave everything!
Barack Obama isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Joe Biden tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
81-126 (L)
Abraham Lincoln, this all-time great, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Abraham Lincoln misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the stubborn soil!
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
George Washington gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!
George Washington, this little thunder, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Intermission. Thomas Jefferson dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little secret: Thomas Jefferson listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
George Washington shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a farmer would cringe!
Barack Obama is gassed! This guy with rings on every finger bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Thomas Jefferson turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this inventor!
George Washington, this undisputed superstar, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Thomas Jefferson leaves the hardwood with dignity! The dignity of an inventor with their prototype sketch!
George Washington rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Abraham Lincoln picks up his own and folds it carefully. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-130 (L)
Abraham Lincoln posts up into position! This household name not wasting any time!
George Washington can't finish! The farmer who finishes the stubborn soil can't finish the play!
Intercepted! Abraham Lincoln's pass snatched right out of the air! A farmer would never be that careless!
Thomas Jefferson overcommits! Going all-in like an inventor on the status quo, but wrong!
Joe Biden is visibly upset! Upset as a university professor when the young scholars goes sideways!
The locker room fills up. George Washington has already eaten three oranges. Did you know? George Washington once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Air ball from Joe Biden! Being a university professor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Barack Obama short-arms the shot from fatigue! This first-ballot legend has nothing left!
Stolen from George Washington! A farmer who let it slip through their fingers!
Abraham Lincoln, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
This generational talent Barack Obama leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Joe Biden takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. George Washington doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
78-123 (L)
Thomas Jefferson steps onto the palace of hoops! From revolutionizing the status quo to this, game time!
Abraham Lincoln misses from the corner! From the right corner is no place for the seed dibber!
This all-time great Abraham Lincoln with turnover number points! Defense that's basically a suggestion is piling up!
George Washington loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
Thomas Jefferson buries their face! Hidden from view, the inventor can't watch!
Halftime. Barack Obama is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Small detail: Barack Obama whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
George Washington bricks another one! Building something awful with the seed dibber tonight!
Barack Obama is gassed! More tired than after a full day of rallying the neighborhood!
Abraham Lincoln with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the stubborn soil!
Abraham Lincoln glares at the scoreboard! This household name not happy with the situation!
Abraham Lincoln shakes hands through the pain! A farmer who respects the seed dibber and the game!
Thomas Jefferson sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. George Washington winces. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-117 (L)
Thomas Jefferson checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A pull-up jumper from Thomas Jefferson sails wide! This living legend needs to regroup!
This all-time great Joe Biden loses concentration and the orange with it!
Abraham Lincoln bites on the fake! Fooled like a farmer by counterfeit the stubborn soil!
George Washington stares in disbelief! The look of a farmer who just lost everything!
Into the tunnel. George Washington grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Physio's confession: George Washington purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
This hall-of-fame lock George Washington throws up a prayer from the left corner! Not answered!
George Washington powers through! The farmer in them won't quit on the stubborn soil!
George Washington with the backcourt violation! A farmer going backwards with the stubborn soil!
Joe Biden drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Abraham Lincoln sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a farmer after the seed dibber broke!
Joe Biden stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. George Washington comes back to get him. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
George Washington starts in the franchise player! Playing the franchise player the way a farmer plays with the seed dibber!
Abraham Lincoln with a wild attempt! This household name not finding the range tonight!
Thomas Jefferson passes to nobody! This living legend with a head-scratching decision!
Barack Obama loses their assignment! Like losing their bullhorn in the workshop!
This first-ballot legend Barack Obama throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Halftime whistle. Thomas Jefferson high-fives his teammates on the way out. Bus driver's confession: Thomas Jefferson raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Abraham Lincoln short on the attempt! Needs the reach of the seed dibber!
This undisputed superstar Joe Biden signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
Abraham Lincoln coughs it up! A farmer's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Thomas Jefferson shakes their head! An inventor who can't believe that just happened!
Barack Obama had the chances but couldn't convert. This all-time great left wanting.
George Washington lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Thomas Jefferson holds his in. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-132 (L)
Barack Obama bounces the Spalding pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Abraham Lincoln gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the farmer touch can't save that one!
George Washington with a wild pass that sails out! This franchise cornerstone giving it away!
Joe Biden watches helplessly! A university professor watching the young scholars fall off the shelf!
This franchise cornerstone George Washington can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Thomas Jefferson asks for an ice pack. Fun fact: Thomas Jefferson is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Thomas Jefferson can't convert the open shot! Revolutionizing the status quo is way easier!
Barack Obama tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a community organizer's energy for the neighborhood!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Joe Biden pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The university professor in them is showing!
Thomas Jefferson walks off in silence. This potential GOAT gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Barack Obama hurls his water bottle at the wall. Joe Biden flinches but doesn't react. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-127 (L)
Thomas Jefferson, this generational talent, draws first blood! A buzzer beater to start!
Barack Obama forces a bad devastating dunk! This potential GOAT needs to trust teammates!
Barack Obama tries to be too fancy and loses the ball! Lack of consistency in the decision-making!
This certified GOAT candidate Abraham Lincoln can't recover! Scored on driving to the hoop! Tendency to force bad shots!
Abraham Lincoln mutters to himself walking back! This living legend fighting inner demons!
Rest. Barack Obama buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. I've been told Barack Obama always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Barack Obama, this living legend, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Joe Biden is running on fumes! The university professor tank is completely empty!
Barack Obama botches the handoff! Even their bullhorn exchanges go smoother!
Thomas Jefferson storms to the bench! This guy with rings on every finger is visibly upset!
This franchise cornerstone George Washington tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
George Washington isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Thomas Jefferson tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-119 (L)
Barack Obama gets the starting nod! A community organizer starting with their bullhorn confidence!
Abraham Lincoln off the back iron! Hard miss, even a farmer cringes at that!
Sloppy handling by Thomas Jefferson! Revolutionizing the status quo is done with more finesse!
This basketball god Joe Biden misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Barack Obama vents at their teammates! The community organizer who vents about the neighborhood!
Cut! Halftime. Barack Obama's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Intel: Barack Obama refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
George Washington misfires! The farmer's precision with the stubborn soil is nowhere to be found!
Thomas Jefferson mops their face! Sweating more than when revolutionizing the status quo!
This absolute legend Abraham Lincoln forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Joe Biden mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to rush taking over!
George Washington leaves the field house quietly! Quiet as a farmer after the stubborn soil setback!
Barack Obama sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. George Washington puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: George Washington.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is George Washington. Standing at 74 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Abraham Lincoln is on this team. Abraham Lincoln, who is a farmer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with seed dibber under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: George Washington.
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