My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. CM Punk is on this team. CM Punk, who is a mixed martial arts fighter and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with mouth guard under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-119 (L)
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan comes out firing! A hook shot in the first minute!
Brock Lesnar with the contested hook shot under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
This up-and-coming baller Paul Wight with turnover number lengths ahead! Ego the size of Texas is piling up!
This all-time great Michael Jordan can't recover! Scored on from way beyond the arc! Lack of consistency!
Michael Jordan launches and it's a double-clutch layup! This once-in-a-lifetime player proving the doubters wrong!
End of the first half. CM Punk is beet red but still standing. Did you know CM Punk once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Brock Lesnar, this headliner, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Kobe Bryant with a rough floater on the low block! Heavy feet at the worst time!
CM Punk rises up to the weak side! This up-and-coming baller exploiting the rotation!
Kobe Bryant rises up but the legs won't cooperate! Hot head catching up!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Paul Wight hurls his water bottle at the wall. Brock Lesnar flinches but doesn't react. Did you know that Brock Lesnar practices mixed martial arts fighter on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
123-98 (W)
Game time! CM Punk and this player making noise ready to put on a show at the court!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, uses strength and skill for an off-balance shot! Complete player!
Brock Lesnar, this absolute unit, alters the shot! Next-level basketball IQ at the rim!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Iron discipline!
Break! Michael Jordan has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Michael Jordan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
CM Punk scores with an unmatched feel for the game. A pull-up jumper from the left corner! Too smooth!
Listen to that roar! Kobe Bryant dishes and the place explodes!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, sets the perfect screen! Silky smooth technique for the team!
Brock Lesnar dribbles with purpose! Eyes in the back of the head driving this team forward!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Brock Lesnar and Michael Jordan swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. Tonight I learned Brock Lesnar used to be a mixed martial arts fighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
107-113 (L)
Kobe Bryant shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This all-time great locked in!
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant muscles up a hook shot but can't get it to fall!
Michael Jordan throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure in the paint!
This established player CM Punk picks up the cheap foul! Hot head showing!
Brock Lesnar catches fire! And it's a devastating dunk! Pure God-given talent taking over!
First half is done. Paul Wight is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Paul Wight tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Brock Lesnar, this jersey-selling name, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Paul Wight takes a tough reverse layup and it doesn't go! Defense that's basically a suggestion in shot selection!
This reliable star Brock Lesnar recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
CM Punk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the mixed martial arts fighter gave everything!
CM Punk's complexion is grey. Kobe Bryant's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-96 (W)
Michael Jordan, this tower, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
A tear drop! Kobe Bryant cannot be stopped tonight! This once-in-a-lifetime player is locked in!
CM Punk with the chase-down clutch steal! What athleticism!
Michael Jordan drives and dishes! Gorgeous feed driving to the hoop! Next-level basketball IQ!
Brock Lesnar, this world-class player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Break. Michael Jordan collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. They say Michael Jordan has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This bonafide star Brock Lesnar with a cold-blooded sky hook! No conscience!
The arena is electric! This player making noise Paul Wight thriving in a roaring arena!
CM Punk takes the blame for the mistake! This player making noise protecting teammates!
The story of CM Punk: a mixed martial arts fighter by morning, a baller by night. The opponent's guard would be proud!
Paul Wight can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Brock Lesnar and CM Punk play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Brock Lesnar loses. Tonight I learned Brock Lesnar used to be a mixed martial arts fighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
110-92 (W)
This elite player Brock Lesnar in the starting lineup! Let's see what this elite player brings!
Brock Lesnar, this big fella, dominates off the pick and roll and puts up a buzzer beater! Unstoppable!
Kobe Bryant deflects the pass and starts the break! This household name defense to offense!
This name that's buzzing CM Punk connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a fadeaway jumper!
CM Punk makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true mixed martial arts fighter!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Kobe Bryant to massage his thighs. Did you know Kobe Bryant knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Phoenix No-Defense's colors. By accident, obviously. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Brock Lesnar with the smooth deep three! This bonafide star making it look easy!
Camera pans to CM Punk's mixed martial arts fighter colleagues in the stands! Mixed martial arts fighter solidarity!
Brock Lesnar, this 7-footer, repositions on defense! Natural-born leadership collective effort!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, evolves before our eyes! A dramatic twist!
Paul Wight, this tower, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Paul Wight performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Kobe Bryant imitates it. It's worse. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-119 (L)
This solid pro Paul Wight means business! Fast start in transition!
CM Punk lets fly but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
CM Punk attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, gets exploited in the switch! Occasional mental lapses exposed in the mismatch!
Paul Wight lets fly the Spalding beautifully for a tear drop! What touch!
Break! CM Punk has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: CM Punk once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
CM Punk whiffs on the jumper! A mixed martial arts fighter off their game with the mouth guard!
Paul Wight spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Paul Wight is gassed! This solid pro bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this generational talent.
CM Punk stares at the floor while Brock Lesnar mutters something inaudible under his breath. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
103-94 (W)
Brock Lesnar, this franchise guy, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
Brock Lesnar knocks down a euro-step from way beyond the arc! Ice in the veins!
Paul Wight slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Natural-born leadership in every step!
CM Punk, this do-it-all player, finds the rolling big man! A layup off the assist!
Paul Wight reads the defense perfectly! Ridiculous creativity and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime whistle. CM Punk high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know? CM Punk once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This dude putting the league on notice CM Punk with a beautiful devastating dunk from the right corner! Poetry in motion!
This max-contract guy Brock Lesnar gets the crowd into it! A sold-out gym on fire at fever pitch!
Michael Jordan, this once-in-a-lifetime player, picks up the fallen teammate! Insane court vision beyond the stats!
This game belongs to Brock Lesnar! This world-class player stamping authority from mid-range!
CM Punk, this established player, with the post-game interview smile! An unmatched feel for the game all night!
Paul Wight and Brock Lesnar run circles around Michael Jordan who doesn't move. Zen. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
120-103 (W)
The game begins and Brock Lesnar is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!
Brock Lesnar, this long boy, elevates for a monster two-handed slam!
Michael Jordan a clutch steal with authority! This oversized freak protecting the paint!
This certified bucket Brock Lesnar finds the open man! Assist and a pull-up jumper!
CM Punk creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, mixed martial arts fighter-level thinking!
That's a wrap for now. Paul Wight dives into the tunnel. True story: Paul Wight had his parking spot stolen by Minnesota Ice-Wall's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kobe Bryant goes to work the pill into a bucket! Eyes in the back of the head shining through!
The building is buzzing! Michael Jordan and immense pressure creating magic!
Kobe Bryant, this towering presence, holds the team together with night-in night-out consistency! Captain!
Kobe Bryant leaves it all on the floor! This household name with scary good handles effort!
Paul Wight pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This next-level player savors the win!
Paul Wight makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Brock Lesnar makes a bigger heart. Michael Jordan makes a massive heart. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-117 (L)
CM Punk takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Brick! Michael Jordan misfires off the pick and roll! Hot head at the worst time!
Stolen from CM Punk! A mixed martial arts fighter who let it slip through their fingers!
This global icon Michael Jordan commits the and-one foul! Hot head in positioning!
Brock Lesnar, this max-contract guy, exploits the mismatch for a bucket! Too easy!
Intermission. CM Punk dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Small detail: CM Punk wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Paul Wight pulls up and kicks the stanchion! This hooper's hooper losing composure!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
This franchise guy Brock Lesnar adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Brock Lesnar, this walking skyscraper, looks exhausted back to the basket! The legs are gone!
This All-Star caliber talent Brock Lesnar tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Brock Lesnar closes his eyes walking out. Paul Wight keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
96-104 (L)
Paul Wight fades away into position! This well-respected player not wasting any time!
Paul Wight crosses over the rock into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Paul Wight, this oversized freak, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the Wilson!
Brock Lesnar reacts too late to rotate! Sometimes predictable game on the help side!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, overpowers for a bank shot! Size matters!
That's a cut. Brock Lesnar stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Brock Lesnar tried to impress the Denver Horse-Track players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Brock Lesnar, this bonafide star, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, can't get a tear drop to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This global icon Michael Jordan adjusts the angle mid-drive! Next-level basketball IQ body control!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Kobe Bryant, this guy with rings on every finger, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Paul Wight chews his nails on the bench. Brock Lesnar stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
102-120 (L)
This player on the come-up CM Punk comes out aggressive! Opens with a bucket at half court!
Brock Lesnar posts up and fires but misses everything! Lack of consistency tonight!
CM Punk dribbles it off their foot! The mouth guard would never betray a mixed martial arts fighter like that!
This next-level player Paul Wight caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Brock Lesnar spins the basketball with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Halftime. CM Punk glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? CM Punk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Paul Wight shoots angrily after the turnover! This league veteran spiraling!
A euro-step by Michael Jordan at half court is way off! Tough night for this basketball god!
CM Punk goes small-ball! Adapting like a mixed martial arts fighter who reads the room!
Kobe Bryant, this walking skyscraper, laboring up and down! Defense that's basically a suggestion draining the energy!
CM Punk leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a mixed martial arts fighter after the opponent's guard setback!
CM Punk mutters while walking out. Paul Wight watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-107 (L)
The arena welcomes CM Punk! The mixed martial arts fighter with the opponent's guard has arrived!
Kobe Bryant rises up the pill awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this hall-of-fame lock!
Brock Lesnar passes to nobody! This certified bucket with a head-scratching decision!
This big-name player Brock Lesnar bites on the fake! Beaten in the paint!
Michael Jordan with the tough pull-up jumper through contact! This certified GOAT candidate won't be denied!
The locker room fills up. CM Punk has already eaten three oranges. They say CM Punk eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Brock Lesnar gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
CM Punk shanks it from the free-throw line! Dismantling the opponent's guard uses different muscles!
Brock Lesnar uses the hesitation dribble! Next-level basketball IQ creating separation!
CM Punk can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of dismantling the opponent's guard!
CM Punk reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
CM Punk claps his hands in frustration. Kobe Bryant clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-111 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan opens the scoring! A reverse layup! Early advantage!
Brock Lesnar forces a layup at half court! This reliable star trying too hard!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, gets stripped off the pick and roll! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Michael Jordan gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
CM Punk, this well-respected player, operates from the right corner with a buzzer beater! Clinic!
That's a wrap for now. Michael Jordan dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Michael Jordan is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
CM Punk looks to the heavens! A mixed martial arts fighter praying for the mouth guard to work!
Kobe Bryant fades away but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
CM Punk manages the clock! Time management of a mixed martial arts fighter who never misses a deadline!
Kobe Bryant asks for the ball to slow the pace! This basketball god needs air!
Paul Wight sits alone on the bench. This legit talent processing the defeat.
CM Punk bites the inside of his cheek. Kobe Bryant pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
108-99 (W)
Paul Wight, this next-level player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Paul Wight, this absolute unit, posts up and delivers a hook shot! Textbook!
Paul Wight a perfect contest at the critical moment! Next-level basketball IQ right on cue!
Paul Wight, this seasoned vet, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a hook shot!
Kobe Bryant slows the pace when the team needs it! This potential GOAT tempo control!
Time to breathe. CM Punk has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: CM Punk blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Paul Wight with an incredible deep three in the paint! Standing ovation!
Paul Wight, this giant, gets the standing ovation! A roaring arena!
This max-contract guy Brock Lesnar unites the locker room! Unreal swagger captain's mentality!
What a journey for CM Punk! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Final buzzer! Brock Lesnar is the hero! This max-contract guy with a game for the ages!
Paul Wight charges toward the crowd. CM Punk catches him just before he dives into the stands. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-123 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this guy with rings on every finger, embraces the immense pressure! Game on!
CM Punk heaves and misses! Should have heaved the opponent's guard instead!
Kobe Bryant coughs up the ball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Paul Wight, this colossus, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
This established player Paul Wight hangs the head after the miss! Deflated off the pick and roll!
Break. Paul Wight asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Paul Wight knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Kobe Bryant fires a tear drop back to the basket but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Paul Wight, this next-level player, sucking wind after that sprint! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of battle!
This max-contract guy Brock Lesnar with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Paul Wight, this mountain of a man, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Paul Wight refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Brock Lesnar watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Michael Jordan on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 198 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. CM Punk is on this team. CM Punk, who is a mixed martial arts fighter and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with mouth guard under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
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