My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Steve Jobs. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Steve Jobs, his brother-in-law and an inventor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their prototype sketch and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Steve Jobs can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the status quo to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-120 (L)
This raw talent The BFG gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Steve Jobs, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Stolen from Steve Jobs! An inventor who let it slip through their fingers!
Lord Voldemort gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
John the Baptist, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Halftime! Lord Voldemort checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know? Lord Voldemort once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
John the Baptist, this versatile guy, gets stuffed trying a catch-and-shoot triple! Denied!
Steve Jobs calls for the sub! Even an inventor's stamina with their prototype sketch has limits!
The BFG with a wild pass that sails out! This newcomer giving it away!
This potential breakout star The BFG gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
The BFG drives to the tunnel in disappointment. This player nobody saw coming will learn from this.
The BFG has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Harriet Tubman has aged ten years in forty minutes. Tonight I had a revelation: Harriet Tubman runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-131 (L)
Steve Jobs lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this franchise cornerstone!
Steve Jobs misfires from the left corner! Their prototype sketch calibration needed!
Lord Voldemort coughs up the orange! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again off the pick and roll!
This surprise package The BFG gives up the offensive rebound! Ego the size of Texas when boxing out!
Steve Jobs pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The inventor in them is showing!
The locker room. Lord Voldemort sprawls out full-length on the bench. Confession: Lord Voldemort calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
The BFG takes a tough double-clutch layup and it doesn't go! Tendency to rush in shot selection!
This franchise cornerstone Steve Jobs stumbles! The fatigue is real after the 48 regulation minutes!
Lord Voldemort with the errant pass! This elite player needs to settle down!
This player nobody saw coming The BFG throws an elbow in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
This living legend John the Baptist tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Lord Voldemort closes his eyes walking out. Steve Jobs keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Behind the scenes, I learned Steve Jobs was also a spy in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
79-124 (L)
Lord Voldemort, this smooth operator, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
The BFG, this dude out of nowhere, with the shot-clock heave! No good from mid-range!
Steve Jobs drives into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Harriet Tubman, this solid build, fouls unnecessarily at the buzzer! Ego the size of Texas!
Lord Voldemort tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the fictional tyrant will bounce back!
Halftime. Lord Voldemort glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Bus driver's confession: Lord Voldemort raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A bank shot attempt by Steve Jobs falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Lord Voldemort short-arms the shot from fatigue! This established star has nothing left!
Harriet Tubman with the careless pass! Infiltrating the enemy state with more care, please!
Harriet Tubman vents at their teammates! The spy who vents about the enemy state!
Steve Jobs walks off in defeat! Even an inventor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Harriet Tubman stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Steve Jobs exhales. Again. And again. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
73-118 (L)
Harriet Tubman takes off into position! This generational talent not wasting any time!
This who-is-this-guy player The BFG throws up a prayer from the right corner! Not answered!
The BFG loses the damn ball in traffic! This dark horse can't afford that!
This first-ballot legend Harriet Tubman can't recover! Scored on off the pick and roll! Hot head!
This guy with rings on every finger John the Baptist shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Well-deserved break. The BFG looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Exclusive: The BFG was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Harriet Tubman gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Harriet Tubman tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a spy's energy for the enemy state!
This hall-of-fame lock Harriet Tubman gets pickpocketed from mid-range! Sloppy handling!
John the Baptist, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Steve Jobs tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we revolutionizes better, like the status quo!'
Harriet Tubman's lip is trembling. John the Baptist dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-132 (L)
This undisputed superstar John the Baptist comes out firing! A floater in the first minute!
Steve Jobs, this smooth operator, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
Lord Voldemort loses the rock! A fictional tyrant would never be this careless!
Harriet Tubman overcommits! Going all-in like a spy on the enemy state, but wrong!
The BFG, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
End of the first act. The BFG is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Rumor has it The BFG does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Harriet Tubman, this first-ballot legend, fumbles the finish back to the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Lord Voldemort, this established star, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
The BFG throws it into the stands! What was that from this dark horse!
The BFG picks up the second technical! This potential breakout star ejected! Injury-prone body!
Lord Voldemort, this reliable star, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Harriet Tubman's gaze is cold, distant. John the Baptist's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-134 (L)
Lord Voldemort wins the opening tip! Tipping off with fictional tyrant energy!
John the Baptist with the off-balance alley-oop! This potential GOAT couldn't set the feet!
This hall-of-fame lock Harriet Tubman with turnover number points! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
This player nobody saw coming The BFG fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
The BFG, this guy nobody was talking about, yells at the coaching staff! Occasional mental lapses causing friction!
Intermission. Lord Voldemort dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Small detail: Lord Voldemort whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
The BFG, this do-it-all player, gets the look at the buzzer but the lid's on the rim!
Steve Jobs cramps up! Muscles tight from their prototype sketch and the Spalding double duty!
Lord Voldemort passes to nobody! This big-name player with a head-scratching decision!
The BFG slams the damn ball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Harriet Tubman, this generational talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Steve Jobs scratches the back of his neck nervously. Lord Voldemort has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-131 (L)
Opening possession for Steve Jobs! First touch, like first touch of their prototype sketch!
Off the mark for Lord Voldemort! Great fictional tyrant, not so great at basketball tonight!
This all-time great John the Baptist commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
This potential breakout star The BFG commits the and-one foul! Heavy feet in positioning!
Steve Jobs slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an inventor hits the workbench!
End of the first half. Steve Jobs is beet red but still standing. Rumor has it Steve Jobs does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Steve Jobs can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this first-ballot legend!
Lord Voldemort fires away a step slower than usual! Tendency to rush in the tank!
Lord Voldemort forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Steve Jobs kicks the air! The frustration of an inventor who knows they can do better!
The BFG, this versatile guy, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
The BFG bites the inside of his cheek. Lord Voldemort pinches the bridge of his nose. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-130 (L)
Harriet Tubman sets the tone early! The spy came to play tonight!
Lord Voldemort, this established star, comes up empty! A floater off target at the top of the key!
The BFG goes to work the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this potential breakout star!
Lord Voldemort gets caught flat-footed! This bonafide star beaten to the spot!
John the Baptist, this hall-of-fame lock, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. John the Baptist glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. I've been told John the Baptist once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Brick! Steve Jobs misfires from downtown! Limited stamina at the worst time!
Steve Jobs grimaces through the effort! The grimace of an inventor finishing the status quo!
Steve Jobs dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
The BFG mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Steve Jobs hangs their head! An inventor who gave everything they had!
Steve Jobs mutters 'damn' under his breath. John the Baptist says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
80-125 (L)
This hungry young player The BFG comes out aggressive! Opens with a hook shot from the left corner!
The BFG lets fly but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
Lord Voldemort, this solid build, gets stripped from the right corner! Lack of consistency exposed!
John the Baptist reacts too late to rotate! Sometimes predictable game on the help side!
This basketball god John the Baptist hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Halftime. The doctor examines John the Baptist's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Juicy anecdote: John the Baptist was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
The BFG, this smooth operator, wastes a golden chance with a wild floater!
John the Baptist explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Steve Jobs coughs it up! An inventor's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Steve Jobs spins the towel! This first-ballot legend showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
This top-tier talent Lord Voldemort shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Harriet Tubman stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. The BFG comes back to get her. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
The temple of basketball welcomes Harriet Tubman! The spy with the enemy state has arrived!
Lord Voldemort denied by the basket! Even a fictional tyrant can't pry it open!
The BFG, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Harriet Tubman gives up the back door! Lack of consistency when overplaying!
The BFG, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
The players disappear. Steve Jobs has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Bus driver's confession: Steve Jobs raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Lord Voldemort misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Steve Jobs labors up the court! Trudging like an inventor dragging the status quo!
Lord Voldemort turns it over at coming out of the locker room! A fictional tyrant dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
John the Baptist storms to the bench! This global icon is visibly upset!
This potential breakout star The BFG congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this potential breakout star.
Steve Jobs takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. John the Baptist follows the same path. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Harriet Tubman steps onto the palace of hoops! From infiltrating the enemy state to this, game time!
This raw talent The BFG shanks a pull-up jumper under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
John the Baptist, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!
This hungry young player The BFG bites on the fake! Beaten from mid-range!
Steve Jobs can't hide the frustration! Their prototype sketch frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
Break! Lord Voldemort takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Lord Voldemort does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Lord Voldemort can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Lord Voldemort gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
This franchise cornerstone Harriet Tubman commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the top of the key!
The BFG, this tweener, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Steve Jobs walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to inventor life tomorrow!
The BFG punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Harriet Tubman slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-121 (L)
The BFG takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Steve Jobs crosses over and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!
This living legend Harriet Tubman dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Harriet Tubman gets crossed over! This certified GOAT candidate left frozen facing the rim!
Steve Jobs buries their face! Hidden from view, the inventor can't watch!
That's a cut. John the Baptist stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Exclusive: John the Baptist was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Lord Voldemort forces a reverse layup off the pick and roll! This max-contract guy trying too hard!
John the Baptist is gassed! This living legend bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
The BFG spins into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
This diamond in the rough BFG fouls hard out of frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Steve Jobs reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Lord Voldemort leaves the court at a jog. John the Baptist stays there, planted at center court, motionless. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
74-119 (L)
Steve Jobs starts in the defensive anchor! Playing the defensive anchor the way an inventor plays with their prototype sketch!
A bank shot from Lord Voldemort hits the iron! Shaky emotions under pressure under the spotlight!
The BFG throws it away! Limited stamina under pressure under the basket!
John the Baptist, this tweener, lets the shooter get free from the right corner! Costly lapse!
This certified GOAT candidate Steve Jobs slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Rest time. The BFG isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: The BFG blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Harriet Tubman whiffs on the jumper! A spy off their game with their hidden camera!
The BFG fades away but can't sustain the effort! Tendency to force bad shots emptying the tank!
Intercepted! Harriet Tubman's pass snatched right out of the air! A spy would never be that careless!
Lord Voldemort can't mask the disappointment! This All-Star caliber talent wearing it on the sleeve!
The BFG had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy nobody was talking about left wanting.
The BFG sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Harriet Tubman winces. Did you know that Harriet Tubman practices spy on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Harriet Tubman locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a spy who means business!
This certified bucket Lord Voldemort rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
This all-time great John the Baptist forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Lord Voldemort beaten to the spot! Slower than a fictional tyrant on a Monday morning!
The BFG pulls up away from the huddle! This total unknown in a dark place mentally!
First half is done. Harriet Tubman is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Harriet Tubman keeps a photo of her dog in her right shoe? It's a Bichon. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Steve Jobs can't buy a bucket! Maybe the status quo would be easier to aim!
Steve Jobs is running on pure willpower! This franchise cornerstone refusing to quit!
This absolute legend John the Baptist with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Harriet Tubman, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
Steve Jobs explodes past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Lord Voldemort sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Steve Jobs winces. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-134 (L)
This max-contract guy Lord Voldemort catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Harriet Tubman air-mails an alley-oop at the top of the key! Way off for this household name!
Turnover by Lord Voldemort! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Steve Jobs scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
John the Baptist posts up and kicks the stanchion! This all-time great losing composure!
That's a wrap for now. Lord Voldemort dives into the tunnel. Anecdote: Lord Voldemort lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
A pull-up jumper from The BFG catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This certified GOAT candidate John the Baptist can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
The BFG with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
Harriet Tubman, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Despite the loss, Lord Voldemort held their own with the game! The fictional tyrant fought!
The BFG collapses into the first available chair. Steve Jobs stays standing, eyes glazed over. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Steve Jobs.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Steve Jobs. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Steve Jobs, his brother-in-law and an inventor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their prototype sketch and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Steve Jobs can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the status quo to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Steve Jobs.
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