My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇵🇭
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Jesus Christ. A messiah in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Jesus Christ has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's address the elephant in the room: the budget is OBSCENE. We're so deep into the luxury tax that the team accountant quit, got replaced, and the replacement quit too. The owner doesn't give a damn, he wants the ring and he's willing to burn every last dollar to get it. The result? An absolute dream roster. Every name on this lineup card sends shivers down opponents' spines. It's like playing NBA 2K with the sliders maxed out. It's almost unfair. And tonight, it probably will be.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
93-130 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Stephon Castle in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy nobody was talking about brings!
Brick! Victor Wembanyama misfires at the buzzer! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Carter Bryant with a wild pass that sails out! This rising star giving it away!
Stephon Castle, this big fella, gets dunked on from way beyond the arc! Poster material!
This guy with rings on every finger Superman fouls hard out of frustration! Hot head showing!
Intermission. Victor Wembanyama dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know Victor Wembanyama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Victor Wembanyama, this big fella, gets the look but can't convert in transition!
Superman is cramping up! This hall-of-fame lock trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Superman throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure from downtown!
This diamond in the rough Carter Bryant gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Superman's lip is trembling. Jesus Christ dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
118-88 (W)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Stephon Castle with another bank shot! You can't stop this man!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ anchors the defense back to the basket! Nothing gets through!
This name that's buzzing Victor Wembanyama with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Carter Bryant reads the defense perfectly! Unreal swagger and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime. Jesus Christ glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know? Jesus Christ launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Superman drops a sky hook from the baseline! Range that would impress any superhero!
This guy nobody was talking about Carter Bryant has the arena rocking! A crowd fully behind them off the charts!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this absolute legend!
The arc of this game bends toward Victor Wembanyama! This player on the come-up controlling destiny!
That's the game! Victor Wembanyama finishes with a monster performance! This next-level player victorious!
Superman runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Victor Wembanyama follows doing the wave alone. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
120-83 (W)
Superman, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
This total unknown Stephon Castle erupts for a hook shot! The floodgates are open!
Stephon Castle, this dude out of nowhere, sets the table back to the basket! Assist master!
Superman finishes with flair! Showmanship of a superhero presenting the game!
Carter Bryant, this dark horse, shuts down the play facing the rim! Lockdown defender!
Heading in. Victor Wembanyama's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Victor Wembanyama keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Stephon Castle knocks down a step-back three off the pick and roll! Ice in the veins!
Jesus Christ empties the bench! Everyone gets a shift, the messiah way!
Jesus Christ ranked their teammates by their bare hands compatibility! Unique scouting!
This all-time great Jesus Christ raises the arms in triumph! A team high-five! The crowd follows!
It's over! Superman delivers the goods! This hall-of-fame lock walks off a winner!
Carter Bryant improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Stephon Castle plays the imaginary violin. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
132-86 (W)
Superman checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A buzzer-beater from Jesus Christ! This franchise cornerstone is putting on a show tonight!
Superman serves it on a platter! A superhero serving the game with style!
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama capitalizes from way beyond the arc! A pull-up jumper with an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Stephon Castle, this towering presence, locks down the attacker! That dawg mentality on the defensive end!
That's a cut. Superman stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Superman was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Carter Bryant, this dude out of nowhere, with the exclamation-point devastating dunk! Game changer!
Stephon Castle, this mountain of a man, is toying with the opposition at the buzzer! Dominant!
Superman, this do-it-all player, gets tangled in the net! This all-time great stuck!
Stephon Castle blows a kiss to the fans! Cool as you like, a finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
This who-is-this-guy player Stephon Castle raises the arms! The win is in the books! A slide across the hardwood!
Stephon Castle does the floss while Superman spins like a top. Victor Wembanyama just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Did you know that Superman practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
106-92 (W)
Superman starts in the slasher! Playing the slasher way a superhero plays with their bare hands!
Superman, this solid build, rises above and hammers a devastating dunk!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman takes the charge from mid-range! Gutsy play!
Jesus Christ with the give-and-go! Teamwork from competing the game together!
This next-level player Victor Wembanyama recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Back to the locker room. Carter Bryant punches his locker. Did you know? Carter Bryant has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Carter Bryant fades away the pill with purpose! A half-court heave! This diamond in the rough means business!
This hidden prospect Carter Bryant acknowledges the fans! A crowd fully behind them of mutual respect!
Stephon Castle explodes the rock with patience! This unknown gem trusting the system!
Carter Bryant, this 7-footer, stands tall when the team needs this total unknown most!
Victor Wembanyama, this giant, salutes the faithful! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! What a night!
Carter Bryant and Superman swing Victor Wembanyama around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Carter Bryant's name. Forgive me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
103-114 (L)
Carter Bryant fires up the crowd to open the game! This unknown gem starting strong!
Jesus Christ fires and misses from mid-range. Should have stuck with the game!
Stephon Castle, this 7-footer, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the basketball!
This rising star Carter Bryant gives up the offensive rebound! Heavy feet when boxing out!
Victor Wembanyama, this beanpole, carves up the defense for a devastating dunk! Beautiful!
Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it Victor Wembanyama does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
This established player Victor Wembanyama throws an elbow in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Jesus Christ launches a pull-up jumper and... Airball! Ego the size of Texas at its peak!
Stephon Castle crosses over into the right spacing! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and elite court awareness!
Stephon Castle, this total unknown, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Carter Bryant dribbles past the media. This raw talent not in the mood to talk.
Stephon Castle closes his eyes walking out. Victor Wembanyama keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
124-94 (W)
And we're underway! Jesus Christ touches the Wilson first! This first-ballot legend looks eager!
Victor Wembanyama scores at will! A deep three facing the rim! This respected competitor domination!
Victor Wembanyama, this legit talent, clamps down on the star player! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on the assignment!
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, drops the dime! Night-in night-out consistency passing on display!
Victor Wembanyama, this well-respected player, manages the clock beautifully in the second quarter!
Break time. Carter Bryant bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Physio's confession: Carter Bryant purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Stephon Castle, this oversized freak, uses every inch to deliver a reverse layup!
The building is buzzing! Jesus Christ and a roaring arena creating magic!
Victor Wembanyama puts ego aside! The team comes first for this name that's buzzing!
Stephon Castle has found another gear! This player nobody saw coming shifting into overdrive!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Victor Wembanyama pretends to faint from happiness. Superman pretends to call 911. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
124-84 (W)
Superman lands the first bank shot! First blood! The superhero strikes first!
Jesus Christ scores on the putback! Recycling the game is second nature for a messiah!
Victor Wembanyama, this hooper's hooper, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Iron discipline!
Superman with a half-court heave on the break! Running like they're late for work!
This established player Victor Wembanyama with the volleyball spike a commanding rebound! Emphatic!
Halftime whistle! Carter Bryant slides down against the hallway wall. They say Carter Bryant has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jesus Christ banks it in from the right corner! A messiah's steady hand at work!
This absolute legend Superman puts the exclamation point! A buzzer-beater along the baseline!
Victor Wembanyama calls a timeout team doesn't have! This player on the come-up lost count!
Victor Wembanyama pumps the fist! This up-and-coming baller feeling it along the baseline! A victory dance!
This guy nobody was talking about Stephon Castle secures the win with an off-the-charts basketball IQ! Another one in the bag!
Jesus Christ and Stephon Castle do celebratory push-ups. Carter Bryant counts out loud. Definitely cheating. I learned that Jesus Christ's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
108-116 (L)
Superman stretches center court! Loosening up, the superhero is getting ready!
Victor Wembanyama fires away the Spalding but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Victor Wembanyama loses the pill in traffic! This solid pro can't afford that!
Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Carter Bryant with pure God-given talent finds the angle for a buzzer beater!
Intermission. Victor Wembanyama dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know Victor Wembanyama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Stephon Castle, this titan, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to rush on full display!
Victor Wembanyama dribbles the Spalding into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
Jesus Christ draws the double team! Attracting attention, the messiah is a magnet out there!
Superman is visibly tired! This undisputed superstar needs a timeout badly!
Stephon Castle walks off in silence. This guy nobody was talking about gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Carter Bryant chews his nails on the bench. Superman stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
113-88 (W)
Jesus Christ, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This potential GOAT is in the building!
Superman, this undisputed superstar, unleashes a sky hook off the pick and roll! Bang!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama with the weak-side ball recovery! Incredible help!
Carter Bryant, this dude out of nowhere, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a step-back three!
Jesus Christ goes to the post! That messiah strength is showing!
Break! Superman grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Bus driver's confession: Superman raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The players look fired up.
Stephon Castle steps back and it's a deep three! This player nobody saw coming proving the doubters wrong!
Carter Bryant rises up and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Superman plugs the gap! Plugging holes with superhero efficiency!
Victor Wembanyama, this respected competitor, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A standing ovation!
Carter Bryant, this absolute unit, takes the final bow! A bench mob celebration! Dominant display!
Victor Wembanyama does the robot at center court while Jesus Christ pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
94-96 (L)
Jesus Christ, this living legend, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
Stephon Castle, this tower, glides at the buzzer for a silky scoop layup!
This potential breakout star Carter Bryant bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
Stephon Castle, this newcomer, with the shot-clock heave! No good off the pick and roll!
Victor Wembanyama, this oversized freak, energizes the crowd! An incredible energy! Comeback vibes!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Carter Bryant to massage his thighs. Little scoop: Carter Bryant tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Victor Wembanyama can't handle the pressure! This guy with a proven track record folds during crunch time!
Jesus Christ crosses over the towel! This all-time great showing lack of consistency!
This is the Jesus Christ game! This generational talent taking over in the extra period!
Superman fouls at the worst time! A superhero tripping over the game!
Jesus Christ absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a messiah knows tough days!
Victor Wembanyama sits on the floor in the hallway. Carter Bryant sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
94-101 (L)
This established player Victor Wembanyama gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A pull-up jumper by Stephon Castle back to the basket is way off! Tough night for this who-is-this-guy player!
Superman throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
Jesus Christ gets caught flat-footed! This potential GOAT beaten to the spot!
What a play by Carter Bryant! A reverse layup on the low block! This player nobody saw coming is cooking!
Break! Superman has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Superman threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Superman stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
Carter Bryant, this titan, wastes a golden chance with a wild hook shot!
Jesus Christ manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their bare hands on the game!
Carter Bryant is gassed! This unknown gem bent over at half court! Heavy feet catching up!
Jesus Christ had the chances but couldn't convert. This basketball god left wanting.
Stephon Castle refuses the coach's embrace. Superman accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
102-122 (L)
Jesus Christ takes the court to an electric crowd! The messiah with their bare hands is here!
Superman misses at with seconds left on the clock! A superhero dropping the game at the worst time!
Superman, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped at the buzzer! Lack of consistency exposed!
Carter Bryant, this absolute unit, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
Carter Bryant, this beanpole, takes over from downtown. A fadeaway jumper! That's elite!
End of the first half. Jesus Christ is beet red but still standing. Bus driver's confession: Jesus Christ raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Superman argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Victor Wembanyama shoots the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Limited stamina!
Stephon Castle, this towering presence, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Ridiculous creativity!
Stephon Castle, this hidden prospect, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Superman consoles teammates! The heart of a superhero in that moment!
Victor Wembanyama walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Carter Bryant drags one foot after the other. I learned that Victor Wembanyama's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
97-124 (L)
This basketball god Superman catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephon Castle fires a pull-up jumper under the basket but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Victor Wembanyama with the lazy pass! Sometimes predictable game leading to easy points!
This newcomer Carter Bryant misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ converts from mid-range! A deep three right on cue!
Rest. Carter Bryant buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Carter Bryant logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
The rim rejects Jesus Christ! The rim says no! Even a messiah gets rejected sometimes!
Superman runs the offense! Running it like a superhero runs the show!
Victor Wembanyama misses from fatigue! This dude putting the league on notice can't get the elevation from mid-range!
Superman refuses to make excuses! A superhero owns the game failures too!
Victor Wembanyama clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Superman fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
106-117 (L)
Game time! Carter Bryant and this raw talent ready to put on a show at the gymnasium!
A fadeaway jumper from Carter Bryant catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Carter Bryant scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Superman banks a layup off the glass! Geometry learned from the superhero life!
Finally a breather. Jesus Christ has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Juicy anecdote: Jesus Christ was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Stephon Castle, this potential breakout star, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
This raw talent Stephon Castle calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Jesus Christ pulls his cap down over his eyes. Stephon Castle doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
My Team ends the season #8 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season journal
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