My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by Dylan Saltzman · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Batman. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Osama bin Laden, his brother-in-law and a civil engineer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying theodolite and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Osama bin Laden can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for river gorge to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
Osama bin Laden bounces the rock pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Batman shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a superhero would cringe!
Hulk dribbles it off their foot! Their lab notebook would never betray a scientist like that!
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler can't recover! Scored on at the buzzer! Lack of consistency!
Batman, this solid build, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Heading in. Osama bin Laden's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Small detail: Osama bin Laden whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Batman, this first-ballot legend, with a contested fadeaway jumper that misses from the left corner!
Batman is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Osama bin Laden with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the river gorge!
Batman goes to work away from the huddle! This global icon in a dark place mentally!
This hungry young player Flash tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Adolf Hitler's eyes are glassy. Flash mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. I got a text from Adolf Hitler after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-116 (L)
Flash explodes into position! This rising star not wasting any time!
Flash posts up the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this rising star!
This newcomer Flash gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Hulk gets caught flat-footed! This franchise cornerstone beaten to the spot!
Hulk storms to the bench! Heated! This scientist doesn't handle losing well!
Back to the locker room. Osama bin Laden punches his locker. Little scoop: Osama bin Laden logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Flash crosses over the orange into the front rim! That's frustrating for this raw talent!
Adolf Hitler finds a second wind! The soldier engine roars back to life!
Flash loses the orange in traffic! This unknown gem can't afford that!
This guy nobody was talking about Flash stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This newcomer Flash congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this newcomer.
Flash pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Hulk takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Behind the scenes, I learned Hulk was also a volunteer firefighter in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
113-101 (W)
Batman gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a superhero on day one!
Osama bin Laden applies the same technique to the rock as to the river gorge. A pull-up jumper in the paint!
Hulk with the chase-down flawless defensive rotation! Running like a scientist chasing the hidden truth!
Adolf Hitler, this global icon, sets the table from the right corner! Assist master!
Flash, this versatile guy, sets a brick-wall screen! Natural-born leadership on full display!
Halftime! Hulk has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Hulk plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Adolf Hitler pulls off a floater out of nowhere! Was that basketball or soldier magic? Unbelievable!
Camera pans to Hulk's scientist colleagues in the stands! Scientist solidarity!
This dark horse Flash tips it to the teammate! Eyes in the back of the head on full display!
Flash is writing the story tonight! This raw talent with a thunderous slam back to the basket!
This who-is-this-guy player Flash wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Osama bin Laden runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-126 (L)
Batman takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Hulk gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the scientist touch can't save that one!
Osama bin Laden with the backcourt violation! A civil engineer going backwards with the river gorge!
Osama bin Laden, this titan, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!
Batman shakes their head! A superhero who can't believe that just happened!
Break. Batman's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Anecdote: Batman tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Batman, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this certified GOAT candidate!
Batman grabs the shorts! This absolute legend is running on fumes!
Sloppy handling by Hulk! Discoverring the hidden truth is done with more finesse!
Batman kicks the air! The frustration of a superhero who knows they can do better!
Batman, this all-time great, takes the loss hard. Tendency to force bad shots at the wrong moments.
Flash closes his eyes walking out. Osama bin Laden keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
81-121 (L)
Batman, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
Adolf Hitler shanks it from the right wing! Defending the front line uses different muscles!
Hulk gets the ball stripped! The hidden truth would have stayed in a scientist's grip!
Osama bin Laden gets blown by! Even a civil engineer couldn't stop that!
This absolute legend Adolf Hitler shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime whistle! Hulk grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Hulk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Osama bin Laden lets fly but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
Flash is gassed! This raw talent bent over at half court! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
Batman coughs it up! A superhero's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
This diamond in the rough Flash fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
Osama bin Laden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to civil engineer life tomorrow!
Osama bin Laden sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Hulk puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
109-115 (L)
Flash, this smooth operator, takes the court! The standing ovation is electric!
Batman misfires driving to the hoop! Even this guy with rings on every finger has off nights!
Hulk turns it over in the free-throw line! Butterfingers from this scientist!
Batman reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Adolf Hitler steps back through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
The players head in. Hulk slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Hulk knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Los Angeles Nursing-Home's colors. By accident, obviously. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Batman storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
This diamond in the rough Flash short-arms a thunderous slam in transition! Not enough lift!
Osama bin Laden, this tower, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Flash bends over during the dead ball! This guy nobody was talking about gathering what's left!
Batman tips the cap to the winners! The superhero's grace with the game!
Batman's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Osama bin Laden hides his eyes under a towel. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-132 (L)
Osama bin Laden, this big fella, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Adolf Hitler, this little guy, gets stuffed trying a two-handed slam! Denied!
Adolf Hitler turns it over on a clutch free throw! A soldier dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
Osama bin Laden gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the river gorge behind the theodolite!
This living legend Adolf Hitler gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Both teams head in. Osama bin Laden has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Rumor has it Osama bin Laden does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Brick! Flash misfires back to the basket! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
This absolute legend Batman signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Occasional mental lapses!
Osama bin Laden dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the civil engineer's finest moment!
Osama bin Laden throws their hands up! Like a civil engineer when the theodolite breaks!
Batman walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Osama bin Laden hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Flash keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-115 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! An and-one to start!
The rim rejects Adolf Hitler! The rim says no! Even a soldier gets rejected sometimes!
Osama bin Laden botches the handoff! Even the theodolite exchanges go smoother!
Adolf Hitler gets crossed over! This living legend left frozen from mid-range!
Flash slams the rock in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Back to the locker room. Batman's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Little scoop: Batman logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Hulk, this all-around player, gets the look under the basket but the lid's on the rim!
This guy nobody was talking about Flash is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Flash, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the Wilson!
Osama bin Laden glares at the scoreboard! This undisputed superstar not happy with the situation!
Adolf Hitler leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
Osama bin Laden is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Adolf Hitler waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-131 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Flash means business! Fast start in transition!
Flash can't buy a bucket! Another miss from way beyond the arc! Frustrating!
This hungry young player Flash with turnover number lengths ahead! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Batman gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
Osama bin Laden launches and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
The locker room. Osama bin Laden sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Osama bin Laden misses the open look! A civil engineer never misses the river gorge... But misses the rock!
Adolf Hitler is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure soldier stubbornness!
Adolf Hitler throws it into the stands! What was that from this household name!
Batman shoots angrily after the turnover! This household name spiraling!
Adolf Hitler vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their service rifle reinforced with the front line!
Hulk rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Flash picks up his own and folds it carefully. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk's name. Forgive me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-115 (L)
Osama bin Laden locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a civil engineer who means business!
Osama bin Laden, this basketball god, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target at the buzzer!
This franchise cornerstone Batman commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Osama bin Laden falls asleep on the weak side! Hot head exposed!
Batman goes coast to coast for a floater! This generational talent is relentless!
Intermission. Batman dumps an entire water bottle over his head. They say Batman eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Adolf Hitler vents at their teammates! The soldier who vents about the front line!
Hulk fires a catch-and-shoot triple from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Osama bin Laden reads the defense perfectly! A killer instinct and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Batman, this combo guard, with tired legs from the left corner! Lack of consistency slowing this once-in-a-lifetime player down!
This hall-of-fame lock Adolf Hitler leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Adolf Hitler's lip is trembling. Flash dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
103-121 (L)
Flash, this combo guard, sets the tone immediately! Pure God-given talent from the jump!
Batman, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild bucket!
Hulk gets picked! A scientist getting the hidden truth stolen in broad daylight!
Batman gets posterized! A superhero framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Adolf Hitler sinks it from the low block. A soldier never misses the front line, and never misses the hoop!
The locker room fills up. Hulk has already eaten three oranges. Intel: Hulk refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Hulk picks up the second technical! This certified GOAT candidate ejected! Heavy feet!
Flash misfires at half court! This rising star searching for answers!
Hulk, this all-around player, exploits the mismatch off the pick and roll! Smart play!
This newcomer Flash has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Hulk had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Batman watches the crowd file out in silence. Flash prefers not to look. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-131 (L)
Flash looks dialed in from the start! Iron discipline preparation showing!
Adolf Hitler denied by the basket! Even a soldier can't pry it open!
Batman, this smooth operator, commits the travel! Hot head in the footwork!
Osama bin Laden gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
Hulk, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated along the baseline!
The players file out. Batman exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know? Batman once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This dark horse Flash misfires again! Occasional mental lapses could cost the team!
Hulk gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a scientist begging the hidden truth for mercy!
Hulk, this smooth operator, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Adolf Hitler drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Adolf Hitler, this living legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Hulk isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Osama bin Laden tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-131 (L)
Batman sets the tone early! The superhero came to play tonight!
Adolf Hitler misses the open look! This global icon can't believe it! Injury-prone body!
Hulk tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the decision-making!
Flash, this do-it-all player, can't keep up with the speed! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Osama bin Laden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a civil engineer hits the workbench!
Back to the locker room. Batman punches his locker. Anecdote: Batman once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Osama bin Laden penetrates but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
Adolf Hitler is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a soldier would call it quits!
Osama bin Laden throws it out of bounds! Like launching the theodolite into the void!
Flash, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
Osama bin Laden refuses to make excuses! A civil engineer owns the river gorge failures too!
Osama bin Laden taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Batman walks through the door without pushing it. I learned backstage that Batman also does volunteer firefighter on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-129 (L)
Hulk launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential GOAT!
Off the mark for Batman! Great superhero, not so great at basketball tonight!
Osama bin Laden passes to nobody! This undisputed superstar with a head-scratching decision!
Adolf Hitler beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the front line slipping from a soldier!
Flash goes to work the towel! This surprise package showing occasional mental lapses!
Break. Flash collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Staff confession: Flash is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Hulk whiffs on the jumper! A scientist off their game with their lab notebook!
Flash, this potential breakout star, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Osama bin Laden double-dribbles! Bridging the river gorge doesn't have that rule!
Flash, this unknown gem, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Hulk fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the scientist gave everything!
Hulk looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Batman looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
82-127 (L)
Hulk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the scientist strategizes!
Air ball from Osama bin Laden! Being a civil engineer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Batman trips up in the corner! A superhero never trips at work... Right?
Flash lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this rising star fooled!
Hulk mouths off on the final possession! A scientist venting about the hidden truth!
Halftime whistle. Batman high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Batman blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Hulk bricks it! Not the same accuracy as discoverring the hidden truth!
Batman asks for ice! Cooling down, even a superhero's engine needs a rest!
Flash coughs up the ball! Heavy feet strikes again at half court!
Hulk can't mask the disappointment! This generational talent wearing it on the sleeve!
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.
Osama bin Laden avoids the cameras like the plague. Batman gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Tonight I learned Osama bin Laden used to be a volunteer firefighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Batman. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Osama bin Laden, his brother-in-law and a civil engineer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying theodolite and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Osama bin Laden can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for river gorge to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Batman.
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