My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Jesser, his brother-in-law and a youtuber by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their camera and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Jesser can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the algorithm to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G. Opens with a reverse layup! This jersey-selling name making an early statement!
A buzzer beater from مايكل جاكسون hits the iron! Hot head under the spotlight!
Sloppy handling by Jackie Chan! Executing the daring stunt is done with more finesse!
This absolute legend LeBron James caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jesser's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Confession: Jesser believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jesser can't buy a bucket! Maybe the algorithm would be easier to aim!
مايكل جاكسون gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a philanthropist begging the game for mercy!
مايكل جاكسون with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Jackie Chan slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a stuntman hits the workbench!
The Notorious B.I.G. Wipes a tear! A rapper who poured everything into the effort!
Jesser shakes مايكل جاكسون's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
94-115 (L)
Jesser, this raw talent, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
LeBron James clanks another one off the rim! This hall-of-fame lock needs to find rhythm!
Turnover by مايكل جاكسون! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Jackie Chan loses the screen battle! Injury-prone body around the picks!
مايكل جاكسون powers through for a reverse layup! The brute force of competing the game!
Halftime. مايكل جاكسون's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: مايكل جاكسون got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
The Notorious B.I.G. Mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Brick! The Notorious B.I.G. Misfires facing the rim! Limited stamina at the worst time!
This absolute legend LeBron James attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
The Notorious B.I.G. Is clearly fatigued! This ball game of this plus this ball game of spitting the fiery bars!
This reliable star The Notorious B.I.G. Tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesser sits on the floor in the hallway. Jackie Chan sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-104 (L)
This first-ballot legend LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This potential GOAT Jackie Chan misfires again! Sometimes predictable game could cost the team!
Jesser coughs it up! A youtuber's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Jesser overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
A bank shot from مايكل جاكسون at the buzzer! That's a statement right there!
End of the first act. مايكل جاكسون is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Little secret: مايكل جاكسون watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Jesser stares in disbelief! The look of a youtuber who just lost everything!
Jackie Chan off the back iron! Hard miss, even a stuntman cringes at that!
Jackie Chan executes a lockdown zone defense perfectly! Precision learned as a stuntman!
مايكل جاكسون slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Jesser, this versatile guy, trudges off the field house. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesser slams his fist on the bench. مايكل جاكسون places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
77-122 (L)
Jackie Chan sets the tone early! The stuntman came to play tonight!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James whiffs on a step-back three! The crowd groans!
مايكل جاكسون trips up in the left wing! A philanthropist never trips at work... Right?
This living legend LeBron James picks up the cheap foul! Injury-prone body showing!
LeBron James, this all-time great, refuses to high-five! Limited stamina hurting the chemistry!
The locker room fills up. The Notorious B.I.G. Has already eaten three oranges. Did you know The Notorious B.I.G. Knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Philadelphia Injury-Report's colors. By accident, obviously. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
مايكل جاكسون rushes an and-one at half court! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Jackie Chan bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a stuntman after their crash mat overtime!
This basketball god مايكل جاكسون dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This absolute legend Jackie Chan throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Jackie Chan hangs their head! A stuntman who gave everything they had!
Jesser's gaze is cold, distant. مايكل جاكسون's gaze is hot, angry. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jesser's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-116 (L)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
Jackie Chan whiffs on the jumper! A stuntman off their game with their crash mat!
The Notorious B.I.G. Loses the orange! A rapper would never be this careless!
LeBron James gets caught flat-footed! This certified GOAT candidate beaten to the spot!
The Notorious B.I.G. Pops the jumper! Clean as their hot mic after a polish!
Back to the locker room. Jesser's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Jesser once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
LeBron James slams the pill in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Jesser rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their camera intensity!
The Notorious B.I.G., this tweener, exploits the mismatch from the right corner! Smart play!
Jesser, this tweener, laboring up and down! Lack of consistency draining the energy!
Jesser vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their camera reinforced with the algorithm!
LeBron James taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. مايكل جاكسون walks through the door without pushing it. I learned tonight that LeBron James used to be a youtuber. That explains the unique running style. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
83-108 (L)
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jackie Chan misses! Even a stuntman can't fix that shot!
The Notorious B.I.G. With the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost rapper!
LeBron James, this colossus, gets dunked on from way beyond the arc! Poster material!
Jackie Chan converts the and-one! Tough as executing the daring stunt all day!
Halftime. LeBron James throws his towel on the floor walking in. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Jackie Chan mutters to himself walking back! This all-time great fighting inner demons!
Air ball from Jackie Chan! Being a stuntman doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Jesser exploits the soft spot in the baseline! Soft as the algorithm under their camera!
LeBron James steps back but can't sustain the effort! Shaky emotions under pressure emptying the tank!
Jackie Chan fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the stuntman gave everything!
Jesser isolates in a corner, back against the wall. LeBron James tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
95-111 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G. Wins the opening tip! Tipping off with rapper energy!
The Notorious B.I.G. Shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A rapper lost in the noise!
Intercepted! Jackie Chan's pass snatched right out of the air! A stuntman would never be that careless!
Jackie Chan can't stay in front! Executing the daring stunt doesn't build lateral quickness!
مايكل جاكسون cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this philanthropist!
Break! LeBron James has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. They say LeBron James eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
مايكل جاكسون walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Jackie Chan goes 0 for the quarter! A stuntman having a rough shift with their crash mat!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
The Notorious B.I.G. Stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a rapper over the fiery bars!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Jackie Chan mutters 'damn' under his breath. مايكل جاكسون says 'yeah' in the same tone. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
75-117 (L)
Jesser, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
Jesser fires a brick from back to the basket! Way off, even for a youtuber!
Jesser, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the Wilson!
مايكل جاكسون gets posterized! A philanthropist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Jackie Chan kicks the air! The frustration of a stuntman who knows they can do better!
Break. مايكل جاكسون collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Staff confession: مايكل جاكسون is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
The Notorious B.I.G. Throws up a clunker! Their hot mic would weep at that trajectory!
مايكل جاكسون, this first-ballot legend, sucking wind after that sprint! This ball game of battle!
Jackie Chan turns it over at right from the tip-off! A stuntman dropping their crash mat at the worst time!
مايكل جاكسون, this generational talent, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Jackie Chan rises up past the media. This living legend not in the mood to talk.
The Notorious B.I.G.'s brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Jesser breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I got a text from The Notorious B.I.G. After the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
78-123 (L)
Jackie Chan starts in the franchise player! Playing the franchise player the way a stuntman plays with their crash mat!
LeBron James forces a thunderous slam back to the basket! This potential GOAT trying too hard!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
Jesser gives up the easy bucket! Easier than captivating the algorithm!
Jackie Chan pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The stuntman in them is showing!
Heading in. The Notorious B.I.G.'s eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know The Notorious B.I.G. Plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
The Notorious B.I.G. Misses at the buzzer! A rapper who missed the deadline!
مايكل جاكسون takes the rest play! Even a philanthropist needs a breather!
Jackie Chan dribbles it off their foot! Their crash mat would never betray a stuntman like that!
LeBron James can't mask the disappointment! This hall-of-fame lock wearing it on the sleeve!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This once-in-a-lifetime player left wanting.
Jesser's complexion is grey. مايكل جاكسون's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I had a revelation: مايكل جاكسون runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
86-123 (L)
Jackie Chan stretches center court! Loosening up, the stuntman is getting ready!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, can't finish at half court! That one stings!
Jesser launches carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jackie Chan watches them score! Just watching, like watching their crash mat gather dust!
Jesser storms to the bench! This hungry young player is visibly upset!
The locker room. Jackie Chan sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Jackie Chan tried to impress the Denver Horse-Track players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
LeBron James drives the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This once-in-a-lifetime player مايكل جاكسون signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to rush!
Jackie Chan charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
The Notorious B.I.G. Glares at the scoreboard! This guy everybody knows not happy with the situation!
Jackie Chan gave it everything! Everything a stuntman has, left on the court!
LeBron James punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Jesser slides down the wall to the floor. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
83-127 (L)
Jesser checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
That one wasn't even close, The Notorious B.I.G.! Stick to spitting the fiery bars!
The Notorious B.I.G. Loses possession! The fiery bars never leaves a rapper's hands like that!
This hall-of-fame lock Jackie Chan gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jackie Chan gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime. The Notorious B.I.G. Glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Fun fact: The Notorious B.I.G. Was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
LeBron James with a rough double-clutch layup in the paint! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Jackie Chan cramps up! Muscles tight from their crash mat and the Spalding double duty!
LeBron James, this beanpole, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Jackie Chan, this undersized spark plug, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
مايكل جاكسون walks off in defeat! Even a philanthropist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jackie Chan collapses into the first available chair. Jesser stays standing, eyes glazed over. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-122 (L)
The Notorious B.I.G. Lands the first tear drop! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
The Notorious B.I.G. Clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their hot mic hitting the fiery bars!
Jesser throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure at half court!
This bonafide star The Notorious B.I.G. Bites on the fake! Beaten back to the basket!
Jesser drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a youtuber's spirit has limits!
Halftime. مايكل جاكسون wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Locker room intel: مايكل جاكسون has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
The Notorious B.I.G. Goes to work the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this top-tier talent!
The Notorious B.I.G. Labors up the court! Trudging like a rapper dragging the fiery bars!
Jackie Chan gets the ball stripped! The daring stunt would have stayed in a stuntman's grip!
LeBron James, this tower, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Jackie Chan sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a stuntman after their crash mat broke!
Jesser closes his eyes walking out. LeBron James keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
73-117 (L)
Jesser bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Jackie Chan denied by the basket! Even a stuntman can't pry it open!
مايكل جاكسون botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Jesser, this swiss-army-knife type, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Tendency to force bad shots!
Jackie Chan argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to executing the daring stunt!
The players leave the court. مايكل جاكسون clings to the tunnel railing. Exclusive info: مايكل جاكسون is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
مايكل جاكسون misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
LeBron James is cramping up! This first-ballot legend trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!
This newcomer Jesser commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
Jackie Chan glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this stuntman!
مايكل جاكسون, this certified GOAT candidate, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
The Notorious B.I.G. Looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Jackie Chan looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-121 (L)
مايكل جاكسون, this short king, takes the court! The sold-out gym on fire is electric!
مايكل جاكسون misfires off the pick and roll! Their bare hands calibration needed!
The Notorious B.I.G. Commits the live-ball turnover! Their hot mic would be ashamed!
Jackie Chan gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the daring stunt behind their crash mat!
The Notorious B.I.G. Looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Halftime! Jackie Chan is limping slightly heading off the court. Small detail: Jackie Chan wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jesser, this dude out of nowhere, with a contested and-one that misses driving to the hoop!
Jackie Chan wipes sweat with the captain armband! Drenched, the stuntman has been putting in work!
Jackie Chan dribbles the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this franchise cornerstone!
Jesser mouths off on a clutch free throw! A youtuber venting about the algorithm!
Jesser looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a youtuber!
Jackie Chan leaves the court at a jog. LeBron James stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
89-110 (L)
Game time! مايكل جاكسون and this basketball god ready to put on a show at the palace of hoops!
Jesser, this versatile guy, gets the look along the baseline but the lid's on the rim!
مايكل جاكسون launches into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
This headliner The Notorious B.I.G. Fouls reaching in! Tendency to rush on defense!
The Notorious B.I.G. Crosses over the ball with flair and hits a bank shot! Sensational!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesser picks up the pace. Locker room intel: Jesser has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jesser throws their hands up! Like a youtuber when their camera breaks!
The Notorious B.I.G. With a wild attempt! This top-tier talent not finding the range tonight!
Jesser, this combo guard, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Jackie Chan is spent! Used up like the daring stunt after a stuntman's long day!
Jackie Chan sits alone on the bench. This hall-of-fame lock processing the defeat.
Jesser stares at the floor while مايكل جاكسون mutters something inaudible under his breath. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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