Unc squad — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Unc squad | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Unc squad! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Robert E. Lee. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. The chef's surprise of the evening is Robert E. Lee. A military personnel by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the frontline with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-135 (L)
John Adams wins the opening tip! Tipping off with statesperson energy!
Adolf Hitler can't finish! The soldier who finishes the front line can't finish the play!
Robert E. Lee, this solid build, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Robert E. Lee gets posted up and scored on! This once-in-a-lifetime player overpowered!
Adolf Hitler throws their hands up! Like a soldier when their service rifle breaks!
Halftime whistle. John Adams spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. True story: John Adams had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Kanye West misses the open look! A rapper never misses the fiery bars... But misses the Spalding!
This hall-of-fame lock Adolf Hitler is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!
Robert E. Lee turns it over on the final possession! A military personnel dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
This living legend Santa Claus shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Santa Claus consoles teammates! The heart of a distribution manager in that moment!
Robert E. Lee pulls his cap down over his eyes. Adolf Hitler doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
105-106 (L)
John Adams announces themselves! The statesperson has arrived and the building knows it!
Adolf Hitler hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their service rifle in transition!
Robert E. Lee loses their assignment! Like losing their service rifle in the workshop!
John Adams fires a step-back three at the top of the key but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
Santa Claus refuses to quit! A distribution manager who never quits, period!
Intermission. Kanye West dumps an entire water bottle over his head. True story: Kanye West had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
John Adams misses in the clutch! A bank shot off the mark in overtime!
Santa Claus drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a distribution manager's spirit has limits!
They said a military personnel couldn't play at this level. Robert E. Lee and their service rifle disagree!
Adolf Hitler gets stripped on a strategic timeout! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
This basketball god Santa Claus tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kanye West isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Santa Claus tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-102 (L)
The game begins and John Adams is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
John Adams misses the free throw! Navigating the political storm under pressure is easier!
Turnover by John Adams! Navigating the political storm requires less coordination, clearly!
Kanye West gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the fiery bars on a rough day!
Santa Claus drains it! Emptying the tank like a distribution manager on double shift!
Heading in. John Adams's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know John Adams keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Adolf Hitler buries their face! Hidden from view, the soldier can't watch!
Kanye West misfires on the floater! Too much float, the rapper touch abandoned them!
Kanye West triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with rapper urgency!
This hall-of-fame lock Robert E. Lee signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
Santa Claus leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as a distribution manager after the supply chain setback!
John Adams stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Santa Claus exhales. Again. And again. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
90-107 (L)
Robert E. Lee looks dialed in from the start! Nerves of steel preparation showing!
Santa Claus misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their logistics map at the supply chain!
Stolen from Robert E. Lee! A military personnel who let it slip through their fingers!
Adolf Hitler bites on the fake! Fooled like a soldier by counterfeit the front line!
Adolf Hitler pours it in! A soldier who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
Rest time. John Adams isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Little scoop: John Adams collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Robert E. Lee mouths off at with seconds left on the clock! A military personnel venting about the frontline!
Santa Claus bricks another one! Building something awful with their logistics map tonight!
Robert E. Lee, this basketball god, manipulates the defense with the eyes! A gym-rat work ethic!
This household name Adolf Hitler stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
This living legend John Adams congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this living legend.
Kanye West mutters while walking out. Robert E. Lee watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-111 (L)
Santa Claus huddles with the team! Huddling up, the distribution manager strategizes!
Adolf Hitler forces up a two-handed slam over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
This household name Santa Claus commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to force bad shots!
Adolf Hitler lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this guy with rings on every finger fooled!
Adolf Hitler with the crafty sky hook! Iron discipline on display!
The players disappear. Robert E. Lee has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Robert E. Lee threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This generational talent Robert E. Lee throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Robert E. Lee, this smooth operator, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates from way beyond the arc!
Kanye West uses a half-court set to get open! Open space created with their hot mic smarts!
John Adams leans on their knees! Gassed, but the statesperson keeps going!
Robert E. Lee hangs their head! A military personnel who gave everything they had!
Santa Claus has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. John Adams has aged ten years in forty minutes. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
87-107 (L)
Kanye West steps onto the arena! From spitting the fiery bars to this, game time!
Robert E. Lee with the ugly miss! The military personnel touch is absent tonight!
Adolf Hitler gets the ball stripped! The front line would have stayed in a soldier's grip!
Adolf Hitler gets screened out! Stuck behind their service rifle like it's a wall!
Kanye West, this tweener, uses every inch to deliver a deep three!
Halftime whistle! Santa Claus slides down against the hallway wall. Small detail: Santa Claus wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Adolf Hitler storms to the bench! Heated! This soldier doesn't handle losing well!
Kanye West gets a clean look but ego the size of Texas costs the bucket!
Adolf Hitler makes the hockey pass! Pure God-given talent finding the extra pass!
Adolf Hitler is gassed! This potential GOAT bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Kanye West sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a rapper after their hot mic broke!
Kanye West walks toward the tunnel without a word. John Adams stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
97-102 (L)
Santa Claus begins their shift on the arena! A distribution manager starting the their logistics map shift!
The rim rejects Adolf Hitler! The rim says no! Even a soldier gets rejected sometimes!
Adolf Hitler dribbles it off their foot! Their service rifle would never betray a soldier like that!
John Adams overcommits! Going all-in like a statesperson on the political storm, but wrong!
Kanye West knocks down a tear drop along the baseline! Ice in the veins!
That's a cut. Santa Claus stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little secret: Santa Claus listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Kanye West vents at their teammates! The rapper who vents about the fiery bars!
John Adams misses in the money time! A statesperson dropping the political storm at the worst time!
Robert E. Lee shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a military personnel at work!
Adolf Hitler finds a second wind! The soldier engine roars back to life!
Robert E. Lee tips the cap to the winners! The military personnel's grace with the frontline!
Kanye West takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. John Adams doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I learned Kanye West used to be a statesperson before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
81-112 (L)
John Adams gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a statesperson on day one!
Robert E. Lee with a wild attempt! This potential GOAT not finding the range tonight!
Kanye West trips up in half court! A rapper never trips at work... Right?
Santa Claus turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
John Adams shakes their head! A statesperson who can't believe that just happened!
Coach calls everyone back. Robert E. Lee drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Robert E. Lee tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, can't get a two-handed slam to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This generational talent Santa Claus has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Santa Claus tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Occasional mental lapses in the decision-making!
Robert E. Lee slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military personnel hits the workbench!
John Adams looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a statesperson!
Kanye West walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. John Adams drags one foot after the other. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-126 (L)
John Adams lands the first bucket! First blood! The statesperson strikes first!
John Adams, this short king, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
Kanye West, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass at the buzzer!
John Adams loses the battle in the paint! Being a statesperson doesn't help you here!
Adolf Hitler, this generational talent, with the frustrated foul! Limited stamina in tough moments!
Halftime. The physio pounces on John Adams to massage his thighs. I've been told John Adams once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Kanye West, this guy with rings on every finger, with the shot-clock heave! No good from downtown!
John Adams grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a statesperson finishing the political storm!
Intercepted! Kanye West's pass snatched right out of the air! A rapper would never be that careless!
This absolute legend John Adams hangs the head after the miss! Deflated facing the rim!
Robert E. Lee takes off past the media. This basketball god not in the mood to talk.
Kanye West refuses the coach's embrace. John Adams accepts it but his body is stiff. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
94-105 (L)
Adolf Hitler gets the starting nod! A soldier starting with their service rifle confidence!
Santa Claus misfires from along the baseline! Their logistics map calibration needed!
Robert E. Lee passes to nobody! This absolute legend with a head-scratching decision!
Adolf Hitler reacts too late to rotate! Shaky emotions under pressure on the help side!
Kanye West converts with authority! Same energy they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Kanye West tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the rapper will bounce back!
Robert E. Lee dribbles and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!
This potential GOAT John Adams runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Adolf Hitler drags their feet! Heavy as their service rifle at the end of a shift!
Santa Claus walks off in defeat! Even a distribution manager's skills couldn't save tonight!
Santa Claus whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. John Adams nods without conviction. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-101 (L)
John Adams, this scrappy guard, announced to huge cheers! A hostile crowd!
A half-court heave from Santa Claus hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
Adolf Hitler loses the leather in traffic! This franchise cornerstone can't afford that!
Robert E. Lee, this combo guard, can't keep up with the speed! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Robert E. Lee scores the go-ahead! A military personnel who always finishes the job on time!
Coach calls everyone back. John Adams drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: John Adams slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
John Adams, this undersized spark plug, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Kanye West, this solid build, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Adolf Hitler lets fly to the weak side! This living legend exploiting the rotation!
Robert E. Lee takes the rest play! Even a military personnel needs a breather!
Santa Claus fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the distribution manager gave everything!
Santa Claus sits on the bench, staring into nothing. John Adams has his head in his hands. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-125 (L)
Robert E. Lee, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! A scoop layup to start!
Air ball from Santa Claus! Being a distribution manager doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Adolf Hitler throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!
Santa Claus can't contain the drive! Optimizing the supply chain is more containable!
John Adams pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The statesperson in them is showing!
Both teams head in. Santa Claus has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Santa Claus tried to impress the Cleveland Twin-Towers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
John Adams shoots an air ball in a roaring arena! A statesperson lost in the noise!
Adolf Hitler jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for defending the front line tomorrow!
Robert E. Lee with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the frontline!
Adolf Hitler, this small but mighty player, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Despite the loss, Kanye West held their own with the fiery bars! The rapper fought!
Robert E. Lee refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. John Adams watches it and immediately regrets it. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
88-132 (L)
The arena welcomes Santa Claus! The distribution manager with the supply chain has arrived!
John Adams misses the open look! This absolute legend can't believe it! Occasional mental lapses!
Santa Claus with the backcourt violation! This once-in-a-lifetime player under too much pressure!
John Adams gets posterized! A statesperson framed by their diplomatic pouch in the worst way!
Santa Claus sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a distribution manager after a long shift!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Santa Claus asks for an ice pack. Rumor has it Santa Claus has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Adolf Hitler misfires at the buzzer! This undisputed superstar searching for answers!
Adolf Hitler tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a soldier's energy for the front line!
Santa Claus throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the distribution manager got too confident!
Kanye West looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
John Adams packs up and heads out! Packing their diplomatic pouch, unpacking emotions!
Santa Claus rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Robert E. Lee picks up his own and folds it carefully. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-129 (L)
Robert E. Lee, this all-time great, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This absolute legend Robert E. Lee muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!
This guy with rings on every finger Robert E. Lee commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
Robert E. Lee gets blown by! Even a military personnel couldn't stop that!
Adolf Hitler glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this soldier!
Break! Kanye West rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Kanye West talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
John Adams misses! Even a statesperson can't fix that shot!
Adolf Hitler is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a soldier would call it quits!
Santa Claus with the careless pass! Optimizing the supply chain with more care, please!
Robert E. Lee dishes angrily after the turnover! This absolute legend spiraling!
Adolf Hitler vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their service rifle reinforced with the front line!
Robert E. Lee walks toward the tunnel without a word. Santa Claus stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-122 (L)
John Adams takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Robert E. Lee, this undisputed superstar, fumbles the finish in the paint! Back to the drawing board!
Adolf Hitler loses the ball! A soldier would never be this careless!
Adolf Hitler, this little firecracker, gets dunked on in the paint! Poster material!
This living legend Adolf Hitler stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Cut! Halftime. Robert E. Lee's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Anecdote: Robert E. Lee fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Kanye West rattles it out! Shaking the court with their hot mic intensity!
Kanye West bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a rapper after their hot mic overtime!
John Adams coughs it up! A statesperson's grip doesn't work on the basketball!
John Adams walks away muttering! Muttering about the political storm under their breath!
Adolf Hitler pulls up to the tunnel in disappointment. This absolute legend will learn from this.
John Adams is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Santa Claus waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Unc squad finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Robert E. Lee.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Unc squad!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Robert E. Lee. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Robert E. Lee. A military personnel by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the frontline with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Unc squad finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Robert E. Lee.
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