The Speds — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | The Speds | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The Speds! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Julius Caesar. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Adolf Hitler. The man. Is. A soldier. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A soldier. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their service rifle and apparently, the technical motion of a soldier and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-133 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this all-time great, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Alexander the Great throws up a prayer in the paint! Not answered!
Alexander the Great with the backcourt violation! A military leader going backwards with the war front!
Adolf Hitler overcommits and gets beat! Lack of consistency when reading the play!
Osama bin Laden stares in disbelief! The look of a civil engineer who just lost everything!
Halftime. The doctor examines Julius Caesar's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Julius Caesar tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Julius Caesar misses! Even a military personnel can't fix that shot!
Adolf Hitler is running on pure willpower! This generational talent refusing to quit!
Alexander the Great throws it into the stands! What was that from this generational talent!
Julius Caesar, this certified GOAT candidate, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Adolf Hitler walks off in defeat! Even a soldier's skills couldn't save tonight!
Adolf Hitler leaves the court at a jog. Alexander the Great stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-97 (W)
Alexander the Great opens with a fadeaway jumper! This generational talent making an early statement!
A double-clutch layup from Julius Caesar! This absolute legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
Alexander the Great locks down their opponent! Tight as a military leader gripping the battle standard!
Alexander the Great dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this military leader!
Julius Caesar changes the defensive scheme! Strategic mind of a military personnel!
Halftime whistle. Alexander the Great high-fives his teammates on the way out. Locker room intel: Alexander the Great has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Alexander the Great pulls up and drills a scoop layup! Can't teach that!
Joseph Stalin soaks in a crowd fully behind them! This certified GOAT candidate living for these moments!
Osama bin Laden barks out defensive calls! The voice of the theodolite echoes across the hardwood!
This absolute legend Julius Caesar refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Osama bin Laden tallied double figures! Double the river gorge, double the glory!
Joseph Stalin runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-108 (L)
Joseph Stalin, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! A free throw to start!
Joseph Stalin misses at the buzzer! A revolutionary who missed the deadline!
Osama bin Laden, this towering presence, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Alexander the Great, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Osama bin Laden with a picture-perfect hook shot! The crowd goes wild!
Halftime. Joseph Stalin glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Joseph Stalin entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Joseph Stalin looks to the heavens! A revolutionary praying for their bare hands to work!
Alexander the Great misses the open look! A military leader never misses the war front... But misses the ball!
Adolf Hitler makes the hockey pass! Iron discipline finding the extra pass!
Alexander the Great grabs the shorts! This hall-of-fame lock is running on fumes!
Joseph Stalin sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Adolf Hitler replays the score in his head on a loop. Julius Caesar tries to think about something else. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
109-113 (L)
Adolf Hitler huddles with the team! Huddling up, the soldier strategizes!
Adolf Hitler carves through and scores! That's what a soldier does best!
Julius Caesar, this smooth operator, fouls unnecessarily driving to the hoop! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Joseph Stalin can't score in the second half! This revolutionary is way off tonight!
Adolf Hitler cuts the deficit! Cutting through with their service rifle sharpness!
Halftime! Osama bin Laden checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Julius Caesar misses the wide-open three! Their service rifle left behind on this one!
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Adolf Hitler carries the weight of their service rifle and the ball with equal grace!
Alexander the Great turns it over on a clutch free throw! Worst time to drop the Spalding!
Julius Caesar walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to military personnel life tomorrow!
Julius Caesar replays the score in his head on a loop. Joseph Stalin tries to think about something else. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
97-111 (L)
Joseph Stalin locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a revolutionary who means business!
Alexander the Great with the contested alley-oop facing the rim! No good! Bad selection!
Alexander the Great dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the military leader's finest moment!
Adolf Hitler gets blown by! Even a soldier couldn't stop that!
Joseph Stalin, this little firecracker, glides to under the basket for a silky off-balance shot!
Halftime! Julius Caesar walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Julius Caesar was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We're back! The players look fired up.
Alexander the Great buries their face! Hidden from view, the military leader can't watch!
The rim rejects Adolf Hitler! The rim says no! Even a soldier gets rejected sometimes!
Alexander the Great manages the clock! Time management of a military leader who never misses a deadline!
This undisputed superstar Alexander the Great signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Hot head!
Julius Caesar reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Osama bin Laden walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Adolf Hitler drags one foot after the other. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-123 (L)
Adolf Hitler comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the soldier means business!
Joseph Stalin sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Joseph Stalin, this pocket rocket, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Julius Caesar gets screened out! Stuck behind their service rifle like it's a wall!
Alexander the Great argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the war front!
The players file out. Joseph Stalin exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Joseph Stalin once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Joseph Stalin, this lightning-quick little man, wastes a golden chance with a wild scoop layup!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Osama bin Laden calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Ego the size of Texas taking its toll!
Joseph Stalin botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Julius Caesar, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
This guy with rings on every finger Joseph Stalin tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Julius Caesar and Joseph Stalin share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-109 (L)
Joseph Stalin looks dialed in from the start! Pure God-given talent preparation showing!
Alexander the Great forces a bad two-handed slam! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to trust teammates!
This global icon Adolf Hitler forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This guy with rings on every finger Osama bin Laden picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Adolf Hitler punishes the defense! A soldier punishing the front line with precision!
Halftime! Alexander the Great looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Alexander the Great got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Alexander the Great picks up the second technical! This hall-of-fame lock ejected! Ego the size of Texas!
This basketball god Osama bin Laden shanks a sky hook driving to the hoop! That's uncharacteristic!
This potential GOAT Adolf Hitler recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
This household name Adolf Hitler can barely jump! The springs are gone in transition!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Osama bin Laden leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Osama bin Laden and Julius Caesar walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Julius Caesar. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
84-121 (L)
Osama bin Laden, this mountain of a man, announced to huge cheers! A standing ovation!
Adolf Hitler misses the free throw! Defending the front line under pressure is easier!
Adolf Hitler loses the basketball! A soldier would never be this careless!
Osama bin Laden gets posterized! A civil engineer framed by the theodolite in the worst way!
Alexander the Great throws their hands up! Like a military leader when the battle standard breaks!
Cut! Halftime. Julius Caesar's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Word is Julius Caesar sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Osama bin Laden rattles it out! Shaking the court with the theodolite intensity!
Osama bin Laden, this potential GOAT, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Alexander the Great throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the military leader got too confident!
This certified GOAT candidate Adolf Hitler throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Osama bin Laden shakes hands through the pain! A civil engineer who respects the theodolite and the game!
Joseph Stalin sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Osama bin Laden puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-130 (L)
Joseph Stalin wins the opening tip! Tipping off with revolutionary energy!
Alexander the Great can't buy a bucket! Maybe the war front would be easier to aim!
Alexander the Great with a wild pass that sails out! This generational talent giving it away!
Osama bin Laden lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this absolute legend fooled!
Joseph Stalin mouths off at the last second! A revolutionary venting about the game!
Heading in. Osama bin Laden's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Osama bin Laden tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Adolf Hitler misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Osama bin Laden rises up a step slower than usual! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the tank!
Adolf Hitler, this pocket rocket, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the pill!
Osama bin Laden storms to the bench! Heated! This civil engineer doesn't handle losing well!
Joseph Stalin, this short king, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Osama bin Laden collapses into the first available chair. Joseph Stalin stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
116-101 (W)
Osama bin Laden starts in the sharpshooter! Playing the sharpshooter way a civil engineer plays with the theodolite!
Julius Caesar with the highlight-reel half-court heave! This first-ballot legend owning the moment!
Joseph Stalin forces the shot-clock violation! Scary good handles on full display!
Adolf Hitler threads the needle! Precision of their service rifle through the front line!
Adolf Hitler calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's soldier mentality!
The players leave the court. Julius Caesar clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Julius Caesar started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We're back! The players look fired up.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Julius Caesar goes to work facing the rim! A thunderous slam drops beautifully!
The crowd is on its feet! A standing ovation as Alexander the Great takes the court!
Julius Caesar syncs with the lineup! In sync like their service rifle and the frontline!
Joseph Stalin channels their inner revolutionary,competing the game made these hands!
Julius Caesar walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to defending the frontline!
Julius Caesar and Osama bin Laden do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-109 (L)
The venue welcomes Joseph Stalin! The revolutionary with the game has arrived!
Osama bin Laden, this all-time great, comes up empty! A free throw off target back to the basket!
Osama bin Laden, this mammoth, gets called for the carry! Tendency to force bad shots in ball-handling!
Julius Caesar can't stay in front! Defending the frontline doesn't build lateral quickness!
This absolute legend Alexander the Great with a vintage free throw! The old magic is still there!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Joseph Stalin to massage his thighs. Confession: Joseph Stalin calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Julius Caesar, this combo guard, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Joseph Stalin launches but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Joseph Stalin, this undersized spark plug, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Osama bin Laden is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a civil engineer would call it quits!
Julius Caesar leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a military personnel with their service rifle!
Alexander the Great turns back to look at the court one last time. Adolf Hitler doesn't turn around. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-128 (L)
Alexander the Great checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Julius Caesar misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this global icon has off nights!
Adolf Hitler forces the pass! Forcing their service rifle where it doesn't fit!
Joseph Stalin gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Alexander the Great pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The military leader in them is showing!
End of the first half. Julius Caesar is beet red but still standing. I've been told Julius Caesar always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Adolf Hitler just barely misses! Close as a soldier getting the front line almost right!
Adolf Hitler is clearly fatigued! This ball game of this plus this ball game of defending the front line!
This absolute legend Joseph Stalin with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to rush is piling up!
Joseph Stalin kicks the air! The frustration of a revolutionary who knows they can do better!
Julius Caesar tips the cap to the winners! The military personnel's grace with the frontline!
Adolf Hitler shakes Joseph Stalin's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
107-111 (L)
Julius Caesar announces themselves! The military personnel has arrived and the building knows it!
Alexander the Great lets fly and converts! A pull-up jumper from the left corner! Money!
Osama bin Laden reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to rush on the help side!
Alexander the Great shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a military leader would cringe!
Alexander the Great, this do-it-all player, drills the momentum shot! The building believes!
Halftime! Osama bin Laden walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know Osama bin Laden keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Joseph Stalin can't hit the go-ahead! Defense that's basically a suggestion when the lights are brightest!
Alexander the Great rises up the towel! This living legend showing heavy feet!
Alexander the Great's hands tell two stories,the battle standard by day, the basketball by night!
Alexander the Great bricks it when it matters! The battle standard accuracy went home early!
This hall-of-fame lock Alexander the Great stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this hall-of-fame lock wanted.
Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-125 (L)
The game begins and Joseph Stalin is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!
Air ball from Alexander the Great! Being a military leader doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Osama bin Laden dribbles it off their foot! The theodolite would never betray a civil engineer like that!
Joseph Stalin gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
Julius Caesar rises up angrily after the turnover! This first-ballot legend spiraling!
Halftime. Adolf Hitler's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little secret: Adolf Hitler listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Alexander the Great bricks another one! Building something awful with the battle standard tonight!
Osama bin Laden, this long boy, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Osama bin Laden coughs it up! A civil engineer's grip doesn't work on the ball!
Osama bin Laden gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Julius Caesar vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their service rifle reinforced with the frontline!
Joseph Stalin stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Adolf Hitler exhales. Again. And again. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
91-129 (L)
This generational talent Joseph Stalin comes out firing! An and-one in the first minute!
Joseph Stalin misses from the corner! At half court is no place for their bare hands!
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the top of the key!
Julius Caesar fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a military personnel chasing the frontline!
Joseph Stalin mouths off and picks up a T! Injury-prone body taking over!
The players head to the locker room. Joseph Stalin is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Joseph Stalin threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Julius Caesar misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the frontline!
This certified GOAT candidate Alexander the Great can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This absolute legend Joseph Stalin loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Julius Caesar slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military personnel hits the workbench!
Osama bin Laden had the chances but couldn't convert. This absolute legend left wanting.
Alexander the Great slams his fist on the bench. Adolf Hitler places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
The Speds finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Julius Caesar.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... The Speds!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Julius Caesar. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Adolf Hitler. The man. Is. A soldier. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A soldier. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their service rifle and apparently, the technical motion of a soldier and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
The Speds finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Julius Caesar.
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