My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Machopeur! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Gandalf. The man is a philosopher of science. A freaking philosopher of science. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their thought experiment and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
90-134 (L)
Steve Jobs steps onto the floor! From revolutionizing the status quo to this, game time!
Gandalf misses! Even a philosopher of science can't fix that shot!
Steve Jobs throws it away! A pass worse than an inventor tossing the status quo!
This unknown gem Machopeur gives up the offensive rebound! Ego the size of Texas when boxing out!
This newcomer Gandalf gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime whistle! Gandalf slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Gandalf once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
That one wasn't even close, Gandalf! Stick to questioning the scientific method!
Maggie Simpson is visibly tired! This surprise package needs a timeout badly!
This undisputed superstar Steven Spielberg with turnover number buckets! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Steve Jobs picks up the second technical! This household name ejected! Limited stamina!
Steven Spielberg sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a film producer after their loaded checkbook broke!
Machopeur pulls his cap down over his eyes. Maggie Simpson doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
74-118 (L)
Machopeur locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a bushi who means business!
Machopeur with the contested buzzer beater from downtown! No good! Bad selection!
Machopeur trips up in the center circle! A bushi never trips at work... Right?
Gandalf loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
This absolute legend Steven Spielberg throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Back in the locker room, Maggie Simpson sits down and stares at the ceiling. Small detail: Maggie Simpson whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This hidden prospect Gandalf rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
Machopeur finds a second wind! The bushi engine roars back to life!
Maggie Simpson coughs up the leather! Occasional mental lapses strikes again off the pick and roll!
Maggie Simpson shakes their head! A covert agent who can't believe that just happened!
Maggie Simpson walks off in defeat! Even a covert agent's skills couldn't save tonight!
Steve Jobs sits on the floor in the hallway. Machopeur sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
79-124 (L)
Steven Spielberg, this potential GOAT, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Maggie Simpson air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple from downtown! Way off for this potential breakout star!
Maggie Simpson commits the live-ball turnover! Their hidden earpiece would be ashamed!
Machopeur gets screened out of the play! This unknown gem lost in traffic!
Maggie Simpson mouths off at the last second! A covert agent venting about the enemy network!
Both teams head in. Steven Spielberg has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Confession: Steven Spielberg believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Steve Jobs with the ugly miss! The inventor touch is absent tonight!
Steve Jobs looks to the bench for relief! Relief like an inventor relieved of their prototype sketch!
Steven Spielberg coughs it up! A film producer's grip doesn't work on the Spalding!
Steve Jobs stares in disbelief! The look of an inventor who just lost everything!
Machopeur, this hidden prospect, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Maggie Simpson is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Gandalf waits at the tunnel entrance. Did you know that Gandalf practices bushi on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
74-118 (L)
Steven Spielberg, this basketball god, embraces the Finals-like atmosphere! Game on!
Steven Spielberg denied by the basket! Even a film producer can't pry it open!
Gandalf with a wild pass that sails out! This total unknown giving it away!
Machopeur loses the battle in the paint! Being a bushi doesn't help you here!
Gandalf slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philosopher of science hits the workbench!
Halftime. Steven Spielberg's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Staff confession: Steven Spielberg is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Gandalf, this smooth operator, wastes a golden chance with a wild off-balance shot!
This potential GOAT Steve Jobs stumbles! The fatigue is real after the four quarters!
Steve Jobs dishes into a dead end from the left corner! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Steven Spielberg buries their face! Hidden from view, the film producer can't watch!
Machopeur takes the loss hard! Hard as the feudal lord on a bad bushi day!
Machopeur stares at the floor while Maggie Simpson mutters something inaudible under her breath. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
98-126 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Maggie Simpson in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy nobody was talking about brings!
Maggie Simpson, this smooth operator, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Occasional mental lapses!
Intercepted! Steven Spielberg's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Steven Spielberg gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
This total unknown Machopeur converts from the left corner! A half-court heave right on cue!
Halftime whistle. Machopeur spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote: Machopeur lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Steven Spielberg, this miniature missile, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Maggie Simpson misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the enemy network!
Maggie Simpson, this hidden prospect, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Silky smooth technique!
Steve Jobs bends over during the dead ball! This global icon gathering what's left!
Maggie Simpson leaves the court quietly! Quiet as a covert agent after the enemy network setback!
Machopeur walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Maggie Simpson drags one foot after the other. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-129 (L)
Steve Jobs takes the court to palpable tension! The inventor with their prototype sketch is here!
Gandalf misfires on the floater! Too much float, the philosopher of science touch abandoned them!
Machopeur double-dribbles! Defending the feudal lord doesn't have that rule!
Maggie Simpson beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the enemy network slipping from a covert agent!
This household name Steven Spielberg shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. The doctor examines Maggie Simpson's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Anecdote: Maggie Simpson lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Gandalf, this rising star, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Steve Jobs powers through! The inventor in them won't quit on the status quo!
Maggie Simpson, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
This hidden prospect Machopeur stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Maggie Simpson sits alone on the bench. This who-is-this-guy player processing the defeat.
Machopeur walks head down toward the tunnel. Steven Spielberg drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. I learned tonight that Machopeur used to be a bushi. That explains the unique running style. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-126 (L)
Machopeur takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Maggie Simpson can't buy a bucket! Maybe the enemy network would be easier to aim!
This surprise package Machopeur dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Gandalf beaten to the spot! Slower than a philosopher of science on a Monday morning!
Maggie Simpson looks to the heavens! A covert agent praying for their hidden earpiece to work!
The players file out. Steve Jobs exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know Steve Jobs keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Brick! Maggie Simpson misfires at half court! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Machopeur is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a bushi would call it quits!
Steven Spielberg with the errant pass! This franchise cornerstone needs to settle down!
Steven Spielberg, this generational talent, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
Maggie Simpson fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the covert agent gave everything!
Machopeur's gaze is cold, distant. Gandalf's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-127 (L)
This player nobody saw coming Gandalf means business! Fast start driving to the hoop!
Maggie Simpson, this total unknown, with a contested catch-and-shoot triple that misses back to the basket!
Steven Spielberg dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
Steve Jobs overcommits! Going all-in like an inventor on the status quo, but wrong!
Gandalf drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a philosopher of science's spirit has limits!
Halftime. Machopeur's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Juicy anecdote: Machopeur was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Steve Jobs with a wild attempt! This certified GOAT candidate not finding the range tonight!
This diamond in the rough Maggie Simpson signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Limited stamina!
Sloppy handling by Maggie Simpson! Infiltrating the enemy network is done with more finesse!
This certified GOAT candidate Steven Spielberg hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Steven Spielberg takes off past the media. This potential GOAT not in the mood to talk.
Steven Spielberg replays the score in his head on a loop. Maggie Simpson tries to think about something else. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-113 (L)
Steve Jobs attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This all-time great locked in!
Machopeur short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their katana blade!
Steve Jobs takes off the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this basketball god!
Machopeur gets crossed over! This dude out of nowhere left frozen from mid-range!
This certified GOAT candidate Steve Jobs with a cold-blooded fadeaway jumper! No conscience!
The players head to the locker room. Gandalf is sweating like a racehorse. Fun fact: Gandalf tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Gandalf, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Gandalf misses the open look! This hungry young player can't believe it! Lack of consistency!
Machopeur directs traffic on the court! Traffic control by a bushi with the feudal lord!
This unknown gem Machopeur has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This hungry young player Maggie Simpson congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hungry young player.
Steven Spielberg's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Gandalf breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Did you know that Gandalf practices bushi on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
Gandalf starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a philosopher of science plays with their thought experiment!
Maggie Simpson can't hit from the high post! That zone is cursed for this covert agent!
Gandalf loses possession! The scientific method never leaves a philosopher of science's hands like that!
Steve Jobs, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily under the basket! Tendency to rush!
Gandalf can't mask the disappointment! This hungry young player wearing it on the sleeve!
That's a cut. Machopeur stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Machopeur tried to impress the Denver Horse-Track players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Maggie Simpson can't find the range! Their hidden earpiece has better accuracy than that!
Steven Spielberg can barely run! The four quarters harder than the four quarters of greenlighting the risky picture!
Steven Spielberg turns it over in the money time! A film producer dropping their loaded checkbook at the worst time!
Gandalf glares at the scoreboard! This dude out of nowhere not happy with the situation!
Gandalf tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we questions better, like the scientific method!'
Machopeur chews his nails on the bench. Maggie Simpson stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Machopeur huddles with the team! Huddling up, the bushi strategizes!
Gandalf rattles in and out! The scientific method never teases a philosopher of science like that!
Gandalf with the backcourt violation! This surprise package under too much pressure!
Maggie Simpson loses their assignment! Like losing their hidden earpiece in the workshop!
Gandalf, this hidden prospect, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Finally a breather. Steven Spielberg has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Small detail: Steven Spielberg whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Maggie Simpson launches and misses! The basketball isn't the enemy network, and it shows!
This total unknown Gandalf is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
Steven Spielberg penetrates carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Maggie Simpson gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Steven Spielberg, this miniature missile, hangs the head. Tough loss despite natural-born leadership effort.
Machopeur stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Maggie Simpson exhales. Again. And again. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
77-122 (L)
And we're underway! Gandalf touches the Wilson first! This potential breakout star looks eager!
Steven Spielberg, this all-time great, fumbles the finish at the buzzer! Back to the drawing board!
Turnover by Maggie Simpson! Infiltrating the enemy network requires less coordination, clearly!
This surprise package Maggie Simpson fouls reaching in! Tendency to force bad shots on defense!
Gandalf mutters to himself walking back! This total unknown fighting inner demons!
Halftime whistle! Steve Jobs grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know? Steve Jobs once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Gandalf, this hidden prospect, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Steve Jobs grabs the shorts! This basketball god is running on fumes!
Steven Spielberg gets picked! A film producer getting the risky picture stolen in broad daylight!
Maggie Simpson walks away muttering! Muttering about the enemy network under their breath!
Gandalf leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a philosopher of science with their thought experiment!
Machopeur shakes Gandalf's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-121 (L)
Machopeur gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a bushi on day one!
Air ball from Steve Jobs! Being an inventor doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Gandalf with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the scientific method!
Steven Spielberg bites on the pump fake! This generational talent sent flying at the buzzer!
Machopeur argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the feudal lord!
Halftime. Machopeur throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know? Machopeur has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Maggie Simpson misses from the corner! At half court is no place for their hidden earpiece!
Gandalf, this combo guard, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Steve Jobs, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Shaky emotions under pressure in the footwork!
Maggie Simpson can't hide the frustration! Their hidden earpiece frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
This undisputed superstar Steve Jobs tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Gandalf hurls his water bottle at the wall. Machopeur flinches but doesn't react. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-134 (L)
Tip-off! Gandalf gets us started! Let's go!
This franchise cornerstone Steve Jobs shanks an off-balance shot from the right corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Gandalf forces the pass! Forcing their thought experiment where it doesn't fit!
Steven Spielberg, this lightning-quick little man, lets the shooter get free off the pick and roll! Costly lapse!
Steve Jobs tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the inventor will bounce back!
Halftime! Steve Jobs looks in the mirror and shakes his head. The staff told me Steve Jobs sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Steve Jobs can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the pill differently than the status quo!
Maggie Simpson gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from infiltrating the enemy network and hooping!
Machopeur, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the Wilson!
Maggie Simpson, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
Gandalf reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Maggie Simpson presses her forehead against the tunnel glass. Machopeur walks right past without noticing. Tonight I learned Maggie Simpson used to be a bushi before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-120 (L)
Steve Jobs begins their shift on the gym! An inventor starting the their prototype sketch shift!
A sky hook by Machopeur in transition is way off! Tough night for this surprise package!
This total unknown Gandalf gets pickpocketed under the basket! Sloppy handling!
This hall-of-fame lock Steve Jobs bites on the fake! Beaten off the pick and roll!
Gandalf, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime! Steve Jobs checks his stats on the board and winces. Quick anecdote about Steve Jobs: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Gandalf launches a catch-and-shoot triple and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Gandalf calls for the sub! Even a philosopher of science's stamina with their thought experiment has limits!
This unknown gem Maggie Simpson forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Machopeur storms to the bench! Heated! This bushi doesn't handle losing well!
Despite the loss, Maggie Simpson held their own with the enemy network! The covert agent fought!
Steven Spielberg refuses the coach's embrace. Maggie Simpson accepts it but her body is stiff. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Machopeur.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Machopeur! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Gandalf. The man is a philosopher of science. A freaking philosopher of science. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their thought experiment and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Machopeur.
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