My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Michael Jordan. The man. The beast. Standing at 198 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Big Daddy Kane, his brother-in-law and a movie actor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying script binder and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Big Daddy Kane can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for film character to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-132 (L)
This reliable star Stephen Curry comes out aggressive! Opens with a hook shot facing the rim!
Jalen Haynes, this dude out of nowhere, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
This global icon Michael Jordan gets pickpocketed from mid-range! Sloppy handling!
Big Daddy Kane gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Kobe Bryant takes off and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
Time to breathe. Kobe Bryant has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Kobe Bryant plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Stephen Curry with a rough sky hook from the left corner! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Michael Jordan is running on pure willpower! This first-ballot legend refusing to quit!
Stephen Curry blows past into a trap! Ego the size of Texas when reading the defense!
Stephen Curry gets a technical for complaining! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Kobe Bryant lets fly to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
Big Daddy Kane's lip is trembling. Jalen Haynes dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-91 (W)
Jalen Haynes crosses over with energy from the opening whistle! This player nobody saw coming locked in!
Big Daddy Kane scores again! When you're a movie actor by trade, the leather is child's play!
Big Daddy Kane shuts the door along the baseline! That's how you play defense!
Jalen Haynes, this newcomer, draws the double and finds the open shooter! That dawg mentality!
Jalen Haynes, this smooth operator, exploits the mismatch at the top of the key! Smart play!
Break. Jalen Haynes's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. They say Jalen Haynes eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Big Daddy Kane, this all-around player, uses strength and skill for a finger roll! Complete player!
This who-is-this-guy player Jalen Haynes has the arena rocking! A packed arena off the charts!
Jalen Haynes fires away the outlet to the young player! This hungry young player building the future!
The fans adopted Big Daddy Kane, the movie actor who brings the film character to life on the gymnasium!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant caps off a special night! A team high-five! Until next time!
Stephen Curry and Jalen Haynes attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Michael Jordan films the whole thing. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
122-100 (W)
Michael Jordan lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this household name!
Kobe Bryant, this tower, carves up the defense for a step-back three! Beautiful!
Big Daddy Kane, this tweener, locks down the attacker! Pure God-given talent on the defensive end!
This absolute legend Kobe Bryant with assist number points! Next-level basketball IQ on display!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Halftime. Big Daddy Kane's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Exclusive: Big Daddy Kane was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, rises above and hammers a devastating dunk!
The energy in this building is unreal! Michael Jordan channeling a crowd fully behind them!
Big Daddy Kane tips the rebound to a teammate! Selfless play from this movie actor!
This raw talent Jalen Haynes is living their best moment right now facing the rim!
Stephen Curry hugs the coach! This multi-time All-Star with a complete performance!
Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Behind the scenes, I learned Michael Jordan was also a movie actor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-99 (W)
Big Daddy Kane takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Kobe Bryant a defensive stop with authority! This mammoth protecting the paint!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry misfires again! Limited stamina could cost the team!
Jalen Haynes, this all-around player, uses every inch to deliver a thunderous slam!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! A killer instinct and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Rest time. Michael Jordan isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Small detail: Michael Jordan wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This established star Stephen Curry hits the biggest shot of the season! In the dying seconds!
Stephen Curry forces the step-out-of-bounds! This elite player hawking the ball!
Listen to that roar! Big Daddy Kane dishes and the place explodes!
Stephen Curry with the clutch rebound! This guy everybody knows fighting for every ball!
Jalen Haynes lets fly in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Jalen Haynes, Big Daddy Kane, and Kobe Bryant pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
91-99 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
This legit talent Big Daddy Kane rattles it out! So close yet so far back to the basket!
Jalen Haynes, this solid build, gets stripped facing the rim! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Michael Jordan scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Lack of consistency!
Kobe Bryant fires away the Spalding with flair and hits a sky hook! Sensational!
Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Big Daddy Kane stares in disbelief! The look of a movie actor who just lost everything!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
Michael Jordan pulls up the ball out of the trap! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Jalen Haynes is cramping up! This diamond in the rough trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this top-tier talent wanted.
Stephen Curry's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Jalen Haynes breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Jalen Haynes. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-109 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan opens the scoring! A double-clutch layup! Early advantage!
Big Daddy Kane scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a movie actor right there!
Stephen Curry loses the screen battle! Heavy feet around the picks!
Jalen Haynes with the off-balance catch-and-shoot triple! This guy nobody was talking about couldn't set the feet!
Jalen Haynes rises up past the defense! A devastating dunk! The gap narrows!
Intermission. Big Daddy Kane dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Confession: Big Daddy Kane believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Kobe Bryant misses in the clutch! A free throw off the mark in the first half!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
This up-and-coming baller Big Daddy Kane plays every possession like the last! Scary good handles burning bright!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, misses the potential game-winner! Ego the size of Texas!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Kobe Bryant bites the inside of his cheek. Michael Jordan pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Michael Jordan. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-120 (L)
This hidden prospect Jalen Haynes means business! Fast start facing the rim!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, can't finish at half court! That one stings!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, gets dunked on at the buzzer! Poster material!
Jalen Haynes, this solid build, showcases insane court vision with a gorgeous free throw!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kobe Bryant asks for an ice pack. Locker room intel: Kobe Bryant has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kobe Bryant, this long boy, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
This established star Stephen Curry muscles up a step-back three but can't get it to fall!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Michael Jordan, this walking skyscraper, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Big Daddy Kane vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the script binder reinforced with the film character!
Big Daddy Kane kicks his towel across the floor. Jalen Haynes has already left for the locker room, alone. Did you know that Jalen Haynes practices movie actor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
96-113 (L)
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this undisputed superstar brings!
Stephen Curry forces a bad off-balance shot! This multi-time All-Star needs to trust teammates!
Kobe Bryant shoots the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this undisputed superstar!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, can't keep up with the speed! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
This global icon Kobe Bryant with a cold-blooded hook shot! No conscience!
Break! Jalen Haynes has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Jalen Haynes once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Michael Jordan picks up the second technical! This undisputed superstar ejected! Lack of consistency!
This global icon Kobe Bryant throws up a prayer under the basket! Not answered!
This household name Michael Jordan adjusts the angle mid-drive! Natural-born leadership body control!
Big Daddy Kane needs oxygen! More winded than a movie actor after overtime!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite silky smooth technique effort.
Stephen Curry chews his nails on the bench. Kobe Bryant stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-115 (L)
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!
Big Daddy Kane loses possession! The film character never leaves a movie actor's hands like that!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry gives up the offensive rebound! Limited stamina when boxing out!
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This established star is visibly upset!
That's a wrap for now. Jalen Haynes dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Jalen Haynes failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, with tired legs from the left corner! Limited stamina slowing this max-contract guy down!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Big Daddy Kane walks off in silence. This guy with a proven track record gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michael Jordan mutters 'damn' under his breath. Stephen Curry says 'yeah' in the same tone. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
99-122 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this titan, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
Michael Jordan fires a sky hook at half court but can't connect! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Kobe Bryant coughs up the rock! Limited stamina strikes again at the buzzer!
Michael Jordan gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
Big Daddy Kane muscles through for a floater! The strength of a movie actor moving the film character!
Halftime! Jalen Haynes walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Staff confession: Jalen Haynes is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Michael Jordan air-mails a catch-and-shoot triple at the buzzer! Way off for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Jalen Haynes, this combo guard, sets a brick-wall screen! Scary good handles on full display!
Stephen Curry is gassed! This big-name player bent over at half court! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Michael Jordan rises up past the media. This hall-of-fame lock not in the mood to talk.
Stephen Curry slams his fist on the bench. Michael Jordan places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-113 (L)
Jalen Haynes, this player nobody saw coming, embraces the hostile crowd! Game on!
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss from mid-range! Frustrating!
Big Daddy Kane loses the basketball! A movie actor would never be this careless!
Big Daddy Kane overcommits! Going all-in like a movie actor on the film character, but wrong!
Stephen Curry, this elite player, reads the play perfectly and delivers a free throw!
Back to the locker room. Big Daddy Kane's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Exclusive info: Big Daddy Kane is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Jalen Haynes can't mask the disappointment! This hidden prospect wearing it on the sleeve!
Kobe Bryant pulls up the orange but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Stephen Curry pushes the pace in transition! Freakish explosiveness showing in every play!
This basketball god Michael Jordan calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Occasional mental lapses taking its toll!
Big Daddy Kane walks off in defeat! Even a movie actor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kobe Bryant pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Stephen Curry takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I learned backstage that Stephen Curry also does movie actor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
103-105 (L)
And we're underway! Stephen Curry touches the basketball first! This elite player looks eager!
Big Daddy Kane drops a fadeaway jumper! The accuracy of a movie actor on full display!
Michael Jordan, this giant, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan with a rare miss along the baseline! Even the best stumble!
Kobe Bryant converts the and-one! An alley-oop! This franchise cornerstone won't go quietly!
Break! Big Daddy Kane grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Big Daddy Kane got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Kobe Bryant pulls up into a dead end! Hot head in late-game situations!
Big Daddy Kane shoots away from the huddle! This legit talent in a dark place mentally!
This generational talent Kobe Bryant turns adversity into fuel! A highlight-reel play energy!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant picks up the foul on the final possession! Terrible timing!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Kobe Bryant taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Stephen Curry walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
97-118 (L)
Stephen Curry looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
Michael Jordan rushes a pull-up jumper at the buzzer! Limited stamina creeping in!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, fumbles the entry pass on the low block!
This hidden prospect Jalen Haynes fouls reaching in! Limited stamina on defense!
Michael Jordan, this hall-of-fame lock, exploits the mismatch for a buzzer beater! Too easy!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Stephen Curry fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This hungry young player Jalen Haynes shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer-beater!
Michael Jordan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This hall-of-fame lock cerebral play!
Jalen Haynes dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
Stephen Curry reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Stephen Curry presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Jalen Haynes walks right past without noticing. Evening confession: I'm wearing Stephen Curry's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-120 (L)
This basketball god Kobe Bryant comes out firing! A euro-step in the first minute!
Michael Jordan crosses over but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
This potential breakout star Jalen Haynes forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jalen Haynes overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Big Daddy Kane argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to portraying the film character!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kobe Bryant asks for an ice pack. Exclusive info: Kobe Bryant is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Stephen Curry launches a double-clutch layup and... Airball! Shaky emotions under pressure at its peak!
Michael Jordan is visibly tired! This global icon needs a timeout badly!
Kobe Bryant, this mammoth, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the basketball!
Jalen Haynes, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the buzzer!
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this potential GOAT.
Big Daddy Kane slams his fist on the bench. Jalen Haynes places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-112 (L)
The game begins and Jalen Haynes is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Stephen Curry misses the open look! This elite player can't believe it! Injury-prone body!
This dude out of nowhere Jalen Haynes with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, absolutely nails a scoop layup at half court! Take a bow!
Break! Stephen Curry takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? Stephen Curry has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Stephen Curry, this elite player, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Big Daddy Kane finds the angle! The angle movie actor uses for the film character!
This rising star Jalen Haynes can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This hungry young player Jalen Haynes tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Stephen Curry's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Michael Jordan hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
My Team finishes #13 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Michael Jordan. The man. The beast. Standing at 198 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Big Daddy Kane, his brother-in-law and a movie actor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying script binder and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Big Daddy Kane can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for film character to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
My Team finishes #13 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Michael Jordan.
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