Tucson black gutys — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Tucson black gutys | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Tucson black gutys! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Michael Jordan is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 198 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Kim Jong-un. A politician in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their campaign podium better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Kim Jong-un has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the public policy and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
111-98 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, sets the tone immediately! Silky smooth technique from the jump!
A reverse layup from Spider-Man! This living legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal with the no-foul contest off the pick and roll! Clean as a whistle!
Michael Jordan with the lob pass from the left corner! This undisputed superstar to the teammate! Boom!
Kim Jong-un with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic politician misdirection!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The players look fired up.
Shaquille O'Neal, this walking skyscraper, dominates at the buzzer and puts up a scoop layup! Unstoppable!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Spider-Man finds the open teammate! This certified GOAT candidate making everyone better!
Remember this moment! Shaquille O'Neal is making history with a devastating dunk!
This absolute legend Kim Jong-un raises the arms! The win is in the books! A team high-five!
Kim Jong-un rips the net off the rim. Shaquille O'Neal wraps it around his neck like a scarf. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
120-93 (W)
Michael Jordan, this global icon, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, uses every inch to deliver a fadeaway jumper!
Kim Jong-un makes the stop! Stopping power of a politician in full force!
Kim Jong-un with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Iron discipline on that one!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime. The doctor examines Michael Jordan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know? Michael Jordan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Stephen Curry, this solid build, showcases a killer instinct with a gorgeous tear drop!
This living legend Spider-Man acknowledges the fans! Wild stands of mutual respect!
Kim Jong-un trusts the system! Trust of a politician trusting their campaign podium!
Michael Jordan is writing the story tonight! This certified GOAT candidate with an alley-oop from the left corner!
Michael Jordan dishes the trophy! This potential GOAT adds to the collection! A fist pump toward the bench!
Kim Jong-un does a belly slide on the court. Stephen Curry does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
122-77 (W)
Stephen Curry fires up the crowd to open the game! This franchise guy starting strong!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, glides in transition for a silky euro-step!
Shaquille O'Neal whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This long boy seeing everything!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan with a cold-blooded two-handed slam! No conscience!
Stephen Curry picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
Break time. Stephen Curry bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know Stephen Curry entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal converts back to the basket! A euro-step right on cue!
Stephen Curry, this established star, still going full throttle! No mercy tonight!
Kim Jong-un signed an autograph with their campaign podium! One-of-a-kind signature!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, cups the ear to the crowd! A slide across the hardwood! They want more!
Michael Jordan, this beanpole, celebrates the win! A chest bump! What a game!
Kim Jong-un and Spider-Man act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Spider-Man. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
123-88 (W)
Game time! Shaquille O'Neal and this certified GOAT candidate ready to put on a show at the arena!
A pull-up jumper from Shaquille O'Neal! This basketball god is putting on a show tonight!
Michael Jordan reads the defense like a book! Assist back to the basket! Nerves of steel!
Kim Jong-un, this absolute legend, absolutely nails a hook shot at the buzzer! Take a bow!
Kim Jong-un, this scrappy guard, blankets the shooter from the left corner! No daylight!
The players disappear. Spider-Man has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Spider-Man tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Stephen Curry goes to work and fires a euro-step! This solid build lighting it up!
This household name Michael Jordan breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
Spider-Man shoots a full-court shot and almost makes it! This potential GOAT so close!
Kim Jong-un celebrates with a finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Mimicking shaping the public policy on the court!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, acknowledges the fans! Palpable tension! A slide across the hardwood!
Stephen Curry does the robot at center court while Spider-Man pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
126-93 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
Spider-Man turns the right wing into a workshop. A half-court heave crafted with their bare hands!
Shaquille O'Neal with the incredible court vision! This franchise cornerstone sees passes nobody else does!
Kim Jong-un blows past in the paint with the same confidence they bring to shaping the public policy.
Stephen Curry sprints to close out! A ball recovery at the buzzer! Great effort!
Off to the locker room. Kim Jong-un has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Kim Jong-un tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Kim Jong-un hits an off-balance shot! Freakish explosiveness proving to be the difference tonight!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan adds another! This is a demolition job!
Spider-Man, this global icon, catches the orange in the face! Hands of stone today!
Stephen Curry taps the logo on the jersey! A raised fist! That's pride right there!
Stephen Curry pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This elite player savors the win!
Stephen Curry does the robot at center court while Michael Jordan pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-111 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws first blood! A pull-up jumper to start!
Stephen Curry with the full-court pressure! This All-Star caliber talent making them uncomfortable!
A reverse layup by Michael Jordan on the low block is way off! Tough night for this generational talent!
Stephen Curry knocks down a step-back three from downtown! Ice in the veins!
Spider-Man, this lightning-quick little man, sets a brick-wall screen! Nerves of steel on full display!
Halftime. Stephen Curry is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Stephen Curry is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Spider-Man ties it up! Evening things out with superhero composure!
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
The crowd is on its feet! Palpable tension as Kim Jong-un takes the court!
Michael Jordan converts in traffic during the closing moments! A free throw! Nerves of steel!
Stephen Curry tosses the orange in the air! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This headliner mission accomplished!
Michael Jordan launches his shoe into the air. Stephen Curry catches it. Standing ovation. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
118-96 (W)
This undisputed superstar Kim Jong-un in the starting lineup! Let's see what this undisputed superstar brings!
Kim Jong-un, this household name, operates along the baseline with a reverse layup! Clinic!
Spider-Man with the chase-down surgical steal! What athleticism!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, runs the offense with natural-born leadership! Beautiful passing!
Kim Jong-un goes to the post! That politician strength is showing!
Heading in. Stephen Curry's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Little scoop: Stephen Curry logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Michael Jordan with the tough pull-up jumper through contact! This once-in-a-lifetime player won't be denied!
You can feel wild stands through the screen! Stephen Curry in the spotlight!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, boxes out for the teammate! This potential GOAT doing the dirty work!
Spider-Man fires away with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
That's the game! Michael Jordan finishes with a monster performance! This household name victorious!
Michael Jordan takes Stephen Curry by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. Evening confession: I'm wearing Michael Jordan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
127-81 (W)
Kim Jong-un sets the tone early! The politician came to play tonight!
Kim Jong-un drains it! Emptying the tank like a politician on double shift!
Stephen Curry, this guy everybody knows, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Night-in night-out consistency!
Spider-Man pulls up the damn ball beautifully for a catch-and-shoot triple! What touch!
Spider-Man disrupts the play! Maximum disruption, the superhero is wreaking havoc!
Rest. Spider-Man buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Spider-Man keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Michael Jordan buries a reverse layup from mid-range! This basketball god is on fire tonight!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal puts the exclamation point! A double-clutch layup under the basket!
Michael Jordan takes off and pulls up at half court! Time? There's a full quarter left!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, does the shimmy! A bench mob celebration! The arena goes crazy!
Stephen Curry daps up the opponent! Respect from this certified bucket after the battle!
Michael Jordan grabs Stephen Curry and hoists him onto his shoulders. Spider-Man tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
111-84 (W)
Kim Jong-un locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a politician who means business!
Spider-Man, this global icon, reads the play perfectly and delivers a pull-up jumper!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, walls up from mid-range! Impenetrable defense!
Kim Jong-un creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
The players leave the court. Spider-Man clings to the tunnel railing. Exclusive: Spider-Man was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Michael Jordan converts a tough off-balance shot from mid-range! Skill level: elite!
Kim Jong-un, this basketball god, waves the crowd up! A hostile crowd rising!
Michael Jordan brings energy off the bench! This certified GOAT candidate infectious enthusiasm!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, stands tall when the team needs this franchise cornerstone most!
Spider-Man shares the credit! Team player on and off the court!
Spider-Man and Kim Jong-un act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
115-102 (W)
Stephen Curry opens with a hook shot! This world-class player making an early statement!
A devastating dunk by Stephen Curry! The crowd erupts! Ridiculous creativity personified!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, smothers the ball-handler! No options!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, hits the cutter perfectly! Next-level basketball IQ right on time!
Shaquille O'Neal shoots the ball out of the trap! Insane court vision under pressure!
Halftime! Stephen Curry is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know? Stephen Curry has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, knifes through for a buzzer beater back to the basket! Wow!
Spider-Man attacks and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Stephen Curry puts ego aside! The team comes first for this jersey-selling name!
Kim Jong-un's work ethic? Forged by the politician life, perfected on the court!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Kim Jong-un and Stephen Curry stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
99-112 (L)
Spider-Man steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
A hook shot from Shaquille O'Neal goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the right corner!
Shaquille O'Neal with a wild pass that sails out! This living legend giving it away!
This first-ballot legend Shaquille O'Neal caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Kim Jong-un drops a bucket from the high post! Range that would impress any politician!
Break. Kim Jong-un asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Kim Jong-un started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Kim Jong-un with the ugly miss! The politician touch is absent tonight!
This guy with rings on every finger Spider-Man attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Michael Jordan, this absolute legend, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This basketball god gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Michael Jordan takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Shaquille O'Neal doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-99 (L)
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal comes out aggressive! Opens with a pull-up jumper along the baseline!
Shaquille O'Neal, this first-ballot legend, drops a floater from the left corner! Pure artistry!
This all-time great Spider-Man gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
Spider-Man takes off the pill into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Stephen Curry forces the turnover! This guy everybody knows creating opportunities on both ends!
End of the first act. Michael Jordan is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Exclusive info: Michael Jordan is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Michael Jordan can't convert in the third quarter! This once-in-a-lifetime player shrinks in the moment!
Shaquille O'Neal glares at the scoreboard! This potential GOAT not happy with the situation!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal plays every possession like the last! Unreal swagger burning bright!
Spider-Man misses the wide-open look in right from the tip-off! This living legend will regret that!
Kim Jong-un absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a politician knows tough days!
Spider-Man's lip is trembling. Stephen Curry dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
111-113 (L)
Kim Jong-un wins the opening tip! Tipping off with politician energy!
Shaquille O'Neal fires away past the defense for a catch-and-shoot triple! Size advantage from this this tree of a man!
Kim Jong-un loses their assignment! Like losing their campaign podium in the workshop!
Kim Jong-un can't find the range! Their campaign podium has better accuracy than that!
Kim Jong-un finds another gear! Switching modes like a politician grabbing their campaign podium!
Coach calls everyone back. Michael Jordan drags his feet toward the tunnel. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal picks up the foul on a clutch free throw! Terrible timing!
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
The story of Spider-Man: a superhero by morning, a baller by night. The game would be proud!
Spider-Man, this living legend, misses the potential game-winner! Tendency to rush!
Kim Jong-un leaves the court quietly! Quiet as a politician after the public policy setback!
Michael Jordan chews his nails on the bench. Stephen Curry stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
102-98 (W)
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Shaquille O'Neal with the huge ball recovery at the buzzer! This franchise cornerstone says no!
Spider-Man, this little guy, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
Michael Jordan posts up the damn ball with unreal swagger. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Kim Jong-un uses a fast-break offense brilliantly! Strategy from shaping the public policy!
Halftime! Shaquille O'Neal checks his stats on the board and winces. The staff told me Shaquille O'Neal sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kim Jong-un wills them to victory! The willpower of a politician who never quits the public policy!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, walls off the drive under the basket! No way through!
Spider-Man soaks in immense pressure! This absolute legend living for these moments!
This global icon Michael Jordan takes over in the first half! That dawg mentality in crunch time!
Shaquille O'Neal can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal lap the court arm in arm, singing. Off-key. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-106 (L)
Michael Jordan dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, gets stuffed trying a free throw! Denied!
Spider-Man coughs up the damn ball! Lack of consistency strikes again from downtown!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, takes over on the low block. A scoop layup! That's elite!
Halftime. Michael Jordan wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Fun fact: Michael Jordan got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Kim Jong-un gets blocked! Rejected harder than a politician's worst day on the job!
Kim Jong-un reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this politician!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Tucson black gutys ends the season #4 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. Ladies and gentlemen... Tucson black gutys!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Michael Jordan is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 198 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Kim Jong-un. A politician in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their campaign podium better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Kim Jong-un has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the public policy and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Tucson black gutys ends the season #4 with a 11W-4L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
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