My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Jesus Christ. A messiah. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a messiah, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Jesus Christ has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. The budget, let's talk about it. Or actually, let's not, because it'll make you dizzy. We're beyond the luxury tax, beyond the second apron, we're in a zone that even the league's tax accountants struggle to calculate. The owner burns cash like others burn firewood, and he doesn't bat an eye. Every season this team doesn't win the title is a financial scandal. The pressure is absolute, the talent is maximal, and the margin for error is zero. Welcome to the world of superteams, where failure isn't an option, it's a public humiliation.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-110 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This dude putting the league on notice Anthony Edwards puts up an alley-oop but it won't fall! Off night!
Jesus Christ loses possession! The game never leaves a messiah's hands like that!
Hulk, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free at the buzzer! Costly lapse!
Hulk, this tweener, dominates along the baseline and puts up a thunderous slam! Unstoppable!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Hulk to massage his thighs. Locker room intel: Hulk has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jesus Christ glares at the scoreboard! This potential GOAT not happy with the situation!
LeBron James fires a buzzer-beater at half court but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! A gym-rat work ethic and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This all-time great Jesus Christ signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Michael Jordan shakes Anthony Edwards's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
113-94 (W)
This household name Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A devastating dunk! Early advantage!
LeBron James with an incredible step-back three back to the basket! Standing ovation!
Hulk makes the stop! Stopping power of a scientist in full force!
Jesus Christ attacks into the lane and kicks out! Ridiculous creativity and great decision-making!
This all-time great Hulk recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Well-deserved break. Hulk looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: Hulk calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Jesus Christ dishes the Spalding with natural-born leadership. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
This potential GOAT LeBron James brings palpable tension to a new level! Incredible scene!
LeBron James brings energy off the bench! This undisputed superstar infectious enthusiasm!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan plays every possession like the last! Ridiculous creativity burning bright!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, celebrates the win! A hug with the coach! What a game!
LeBron James does a backflip. Well, he tries. Hulk applauds the effort. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
127-81 (W)
This all-time great LeBron James means business! Fast start from way beyond the arc!
Hulk cuts and scores! Sharp as their lab notebook, this scientist!
Hulk dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this scientist!
Anthony Edwards, this mammoth, with a silky reverse layup back to the basket! Smooth operator!
LeBron James times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A double team in the paint!
That's a cut. Jesus Christ stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Jesus Christ raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jesus Christ lays it in softly! Touch softer than a messiah's hands on the job!
LeBron James explodes without breaking a sweat! This certified GOAT candidate cruise control!
Jesus Christ, this basketball god, catches the basketball in the face! Hands of stone today!
Anthony Edwards taps the logo on the jersey! A raised fist! That's pride right there!
Michael Jordan lets fly to the crowd! A raised fist! This franchise cornerstone gave everything!
Hulk mimes popping a champagne bottle. LeBron James mimes chugging straight from it. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk's name. Forgive me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
132-87 (W)
Game time! LeBron James and this first-ballot legend ready to put on a show at the court!
Anthony Edwards blows past the damn ball with flair and hits a catch-and-shoot triple! Sensational!
Anthony Edwards, this colossus, drops the dime! Unreal swagger passing on display!
Anthony Edwards knocks down a deep three facing the rim! Ice in the veins!
Michael Jordan rotates perfectly for the rebound in traffic! Pure God-given talent on full display!
Halftime! Hulk walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Rumor has it Hulk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
A bucket from Anthony Edwards! Another dagger! This guy with a proven track record closing the door!
LeBron James rises up and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
Hulk dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This franchise cornerstone oops!
Hulk roars at the palace of hoops! The roar of a scientist conquering the hidden truth!
Hulk soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a scientist savoring glory!
Michael Jordan points both hands at the sky. Jesus Christ points at Michael Jordan. LeBron James points at the exit. I got a text from Michael Jordan after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
109-113 (L)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
LeBron James, this big fella, muscles in for an alley-oop! Pure power!
This generational talent Jesus Christ picks up the cheap foul! Ego the size of Texas showing!
Anthony Edwards, this player on the come-up, pulls the trigger in the paint but no luck!
Jesus Christ brings the deficit down! Grinding it out like a messiah on overtime!
The players file out. Anthony Edwards exchanges a tense look with the coach. Did you know? Anthony Edwards has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Hulk airballs the potential winner! Discoverring the hidden truth is easier than this!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Hulk bridges two worlds: the hidden truth and an alley-oop, bound by passion!
Anthony Edwards throws it away with the game on the line! Limited stamina!
This legit talent Anthony Edwards leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Jesus Christ mutters while walking out. Michael Jordan watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I learned backstage that Michael Jordan also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
132-86 (W)
Anthony Edwards looks dialed in from the start! An off-the-charts basketball IQ preparation showing!
Michael Jordan with the decisive buzzer beater! Natural-born leadership when it matters most!
LeBron James fires away and finds the trailer for a free throw! Great awareness!
Hulk attacks along the baseline and finishes with a bank shot! Too good!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan holds ground from downtown! Immovable object!
The players file out. Jesus Christ exchanges a tense look with the coach. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Michael Jordan, this giant, showcases an unmatched feel for the game with a gorgeous floater!
This potential GOAT Hulk breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
LeBron James dishes and the headband falls apart! Wardrobe malfunction!
This well-respected player Anthony Edwards holds the follow-through! A slide across the hardwood after a floater!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James secures the win with nerves of steel! Another one in the bag!
Jesus Christ takes a bow for the crowd. LeBron James bows to Jesus Christ. The nobility of basketball. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
104-107 (L)
Anthony Edwards dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this next-level player!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan capitalizes from way beyond the arc! A devastating dunk with eyes in the back of the head!
Michael Jordan loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, fumbles the finish at half court! Back to the drawing board!
Anthony Edwards steps back and scores! The comeback is on! This player making noise believing!
The players leave the court. LeBron James clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
LeBron James penetrates into a dead end! Heavy feet in late-game situations!
Jesus Christ looks to the heavens! A messiah praying for their bare hands to work!
The legend of Jesus Christ grows! This generational talent adding another chapter driving to the hoop!
Hulk with the ill-advised pass in the second half! Intercepted!
LeBron James reflects on what could have been. Tendency to force bad shots the difference tonight.
Hulk hurls his water bottle at the wall. Anthony Edwards flinches but doesn't react. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
119-85 (W)
Anthony Edwards, this guy with a proven track record, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Michael Jordan with the and-one tear drop! Night-in night-out consistency through the whistle!
Anthony Edwards quarter-backs the possession! Assist for a reverse layup! What a pass!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, glides in transition for a silky euro-step!
Anthony Edwards, this established player, shuts down the play from the left corner! Lockdown defender!
Break! Michael Jordan rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Bus driver's confession: Michael Jordan raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Michael Jordan with the crafty buzzer-beater! A gym-rat work ethic on display!
The rout is on! Hulk's their lab notebook dismantled the opposition like the hidden truth!
LeBron James accidentally steps on the leather and slides! This franchise cornerstone surfing!
Jesus Christ attacks and moonwalks back! A primal scream! It's showtime, baby!
LeBron James spins in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Michael Jordan and Anthony Edwards attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. LeBron James films the whole thing. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
120-104 (W)
This franchise cornerstone Hulk in the starting lineup! Let's see what this franchise cornerstone brings!
This league veteran Anthony Edwards punishes the defense with a deep three driving to the hoop!
Hulk locks down the high post! Fortified with their lab notebook!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, surveys and delivers! Natural-born leadership in the playmaking!
This all-time great Jesus Christ adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Coach calls everyone back. Hulk drags his feet toward the tunnel. Small detail: Hulk wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Hulk drives with the precision of a scientist at work. And it's an and-one!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Jesus Christ gets hot!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, anchors the second unit! This global icon versatile contributor!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, answers every challenge! Natural-born leadership never fading!
This household name Michael Jordan walks off to a standing ovation! An incredible energy! Incredible!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James carry Michael Jordan like a trophy across the entire court. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
113-108 (W)
Michael Jordan, this oversized freak, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
Hulk, this all-around player, locks down the attacker! Nerves of steel on the defensive end!
Hulk forces a bad euro-step! This living legend needs to trust teammates!
Anthony Edwards dishes to the rack for a devastating dunk! Can't contain this big fella!
Anthony Edwards sets the screen at the perfect angle! This league veteran cerebral play!
The players head to the locker room. Michael Jordan is sweating like a racehorse. Little secret: Michael Jordan has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Michael Jordan with the gutsy euro-step off the pick and roll! That dawg mentality on full display!
Anthony Edwards slides to the passing lane and steals it! Next-level basketball IQ!
The crowd is on its feet! A Playoff atmosphere as Michael Jordan takes the court!
Michael Jordan, this generational talent, rises to the occasion! A tear drop back to the basket! Huge!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Jesus Christ cries tears of joy in LeBron James's arms. Anthony Edwards is also crying but nobody knows why. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
111-105 (W)
Michael Jordan blows past into position! This undisputed superstar not wasting any time!
Hulk drills it from the low block! That scientist precision with their lab notebook pays off!
Jesus Christ a double team and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Jesus Christ overloads one side! Loading up with messiah strategy!
Break! Hulk takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Small detail: Hulk wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Hulk pours it in! A scientist who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan acknowledges the fans! A Playoff atmosphere of mutual respect!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, boxes out for the teammate! This undisputed superstar doing the dirty work!
This living legend Michael Jordan silences the noise! Natural-born leadership locked in! Nothing else matters!
Hulk wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their lab notebook and the Wilson!
Michael Jordan rips the net off the rim. Anthony Edwards wraps it around his neck like a scarf. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
93-132 (L)
Tip-off! Anthony Edwards gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this all-time great!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
This living legend LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Hulk, this basketball god, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Break! Anthony Edwards rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Anthony Edwards once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Michael Jordan misfires at half court! Even this once-in-a-lifetime player has off nights!
This global icon LeBron James has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Hulk drops the head after another miss! Occasional mental lapses sapping the confidence!
Jesus Christ, this undisputed superstar, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.
Jesus Christ unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. LeBron James runs a hand down his face. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
107-89 (W)
Hulk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the scientist strategizes!
Jesus Christ with the tough sky hook through contact! This all-time great won't be denied!
Hulk reads the play perfectly! That scientist brain working overtime!
Hulk with the wraparound pass! Smooth hands from all that scientist work!
Anthony Edwards, this guy with a proven track record, manages the clock beautifully in the first half!
The locker room fills up. Anthony Edwards has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Anthony Edwards tried to impress the Boston Ring-Chasers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Anthony Edwards, this player making noise, unleashes a catch-and-shoot triple in transition! Bang!
The crowd chants Hulk's name! A sold-out gym on fire for the scientist with their lab notebook!
Hulk fights through the screen for the team! That scientist toughness right there!
This household name Jesus Christ has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Eyes in the back of the head!
That's the game! Anthony Edwards finishes with a monster performance! This well-respected player victorious!
Anthony Edwards takes LeBron James by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. Did you know that LeBron James practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-111 (L)
Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!
Jesus Christ bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Hulk with the backcourt violation! This certified GOAT candidate under too much pressure!
LeBron James gets screened out of the play! This certified GOAT candidate lost in traffic!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan with a vintage layup! The old magic is still there!
That's a cut. Michael Jordan stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote of the day: Michael Jordan forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Michael Jordan picks up the second technical! This certified GOAT candidate ejected! Lack of consistency!
Hulk can't convert! The scientist's touch with the hidden truth deserted them!
Michael Jordan, this giant, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Scary good handles!
LeBron James, this all-time great, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Michael Jordan has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Anthony Edwards has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
115-104 (W)
Jesus Christ steps onto the field house! From competing the game to this, game time!
Anthony Edwards catches fire! And it's a buzzer beater! A killer instinct taking over!
Anthony Edwards with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Jesus Christ dishes through traffic! Threading the needle like a pro!
Jesus Christ communicates the switch! Clear as a messiah's instructions!
Cut! Halftime. Michael Jordan's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Locker room intel: Michael Jordan has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan with a picture-perfect buzzer beater! The crowd goes wild!
This global icon Michael Jordan draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Michael Jordan puts ego aside! The team comes first for this hall-of-fame lock!
What a journey for Hulk! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Jesus Christ dishes into the tunnel with the W! This all-time great all smiles!
Michael Jordan and Hulk pretend to fish Anthony Edwards out of the crowd. They pull hard. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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