My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | My Team | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 11 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Julius Caesar, his brother-in-law and a military personnel by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their service rifle and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Julius Caesar can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the frontline to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Now we're talking real money. They're above the cap but being careful not to cross into luxury tax territory. They're using their trade exceptions and mid-level to plug the gaps. This is a playoff-caliber team: they've got the goods, a balanced roster, but they're always one big move short of landing a true superstar.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
107-106 (W)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
Jesus Christ anchors the defense! Solid as a messiah's foundation!
Hulk can't convert! The scientist's touch with the hidden truth deserted them!
Michael Jordan, this giant, dominates at the top of the key and puts up a bucket! Unstoppable!
Hulk takes off with purpose every possession! This once-in-a-lifetime player chess master!
Well-deserved break. Jesus Christ looks like someone who just ran a marathon. The staff told me Jesus Christ sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Larry Bird, this big fella, with the clutch hook shot! The building erupts!
Larry Bird with the chase-down perfect contest! What athleticism!
This max-contract guy Larry Bird gets the crowd into it! Wild stands at fever pitch!
Michael Jordan delivers in the clutch! A layup driving to the hoop! This potential GOAT is ice cold!
Larry Bird, this long boy, acknowledges the fans! Immense pressure! A bench mob celebration!
Hulk pretends to plant a flag at center court. Michael Jordan stands at attention. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
106-92 (W)
Game time! Jesus Christ and this living legend ready to put on a show at the arena!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan does it again! A devastating dunk with effortless precision!
Julius Caesar, this solid build, contests everything from downtown! A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
Julius Caesar delivers in transition! Fast delivery, like a military personnel with their service rifle!
Julius Caesar executes a fluid motion offense perfectly! Precision learned as a military personnel!
Back to the locker room. Jesus Christ punches his locker. True story: Jesus Christ had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Larry Bird converts in the paint! A sky hook with trademark freakish explosiveness!
The arena trembles! Larry Bird with the play and a hostile crowd follows!
Jesus Christ sacrifices for the team! Selfless play from this messiah!
Hulk dishes through pain, through doubt! This once-in-a-lifetime player transcending!
Hulk leaves everything on the temple of basketball! Left it all out there tonight!
Jesus Christ launches his shoe into the air. Julius Caesar catches it. Standing ovation. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jesus Christ's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
122-93 (W)
Julius Caesar steps onto the den! From defending the frontline to this, game time!
Michael Jordan strings together a tear drop on the low block. Eyes in the back of the head on full display!
This franchise guy Larry Bird disrupts the play with a timely rebound in traffic!
Julius Caesar, this undisputed superstar, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Night-in night-out consistency!
Hulk spaces the floor! Making room out there like a scientist clears the workspace!
Break! Larry Bird heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Did you know? Larry Bird launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
A finger roll from Michael Jordan! This living legend reminding everyone why they're on top!
An electric crowd, all because of a scientist named Hulk with the hidden truth!
This first-ballot legend Julius Caesar tips it to the teammate! Iron discipline on full display!
Jesus Christ explodes with purpose! Ridiculous creativity driving this team forward!
This guy everybody knows Larry Bird seals the deal! Victory with iron discipline!
Jesus Christ improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Julius Caesar plays the imaginary violin. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
110-85 (W)
Tip-off! Hulk gets us started! Let's go!
A catch-and-shoot triple from Jesus Christ facing the rim! That's a statement right there!
This global icon Julius Caesar with a commanding rebound from the right corner! Intimidating!
Michael Jordan with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open two-handed slam!
Hulk communicates the switch! Clear as a scientist's instructions!
Halftime. Hulk glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. I've been told Hulk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Jesus Christ hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a messiah lifting their bare hands!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, gets the standing ovation! A standing ovation!
This all-time great Jesus Christ unites the locker room! Nerves of steel captain's mentality!
The narrative shifts! Larry Bird takes control with iron discipline!
That's the game! Michael Jordan finishes with a monster performance! This first-ballot legend victorious!
Jesus Christ throws chalk powder like LeBron. Larry Bird coughs for two minutes straight. I learned backstage that Larry Bird also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
117-89 (W)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Julius Caesar banks a free throw off the glass! Geometry learned from the military personnel life!
Julius Caesar deflects the pass! Redirecting with military personnel instincts!
Hulk sets up the easy score! Easy as a scientist setting up their lab notebook!
Jesus Christ zones up! Defensive zone like a messiah's the game zone!
Halftime. Julius Caesar's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Julius Caesar once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Julius Caesar, this first-ballot legend, absolutely nails a scoop layup from the right corner! Take a bow!
The crowd does the wave for Julius Caesar! Military personnel pride!
Michael Jordan finds the open teammate! This guy with rings on every finger making everyone better!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan channels the inner champion! That dawg mentality at its peak!
Julius Caesar takes off into the tunnel with the W! This once-in-a-lifetime player all smiles!
Jesus Christ performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Julius Caesar imitates it. It's worse. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
97-109 (L)
This established star Larry Bird comes out firing! A step-back three in the first minute!
Jesus Christ misfires in transition! Even this absolute legend has off nights!
This certified GOAT candidate Julius Caesar loses concentration and the basketball with it!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan fouls reaching in! Lack of consistency on defense!
Hulk cuts and scores! Sharp as their lab notebook, this scientist!
The locker room fills up. Hulk has already eaten three oranges. True story: Hulk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Julius Caesar, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
Julius Caesar goes 0 for the quarter! A military personnel having a rough shift with their service rifle!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, exploits the mismatch from way beyond the arc! Smart play!
Larry Bird takes off sluggishly! Hot head catching up with this jersey-selling name!
Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This household name processing the defeat.
Michael Jordan's eyes are glassy. Larry Bird mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Evening confession: I'm wearing Michael Jordan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
120-98 (W)
Larry Bird fires away into position! This reliable star not wasting any time!
Julius Caesar rises and fires! Defending the frontline never felt this athletic!
Jesus Christ a left-handed block and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Julius Caesar dunks and creates! Another assist from the right corner! Quarterback!
This all-time great Hulk recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Rest time. Jesus Christ isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Julius Caesar with an off-the-charts basketball IQ finds the angle for a sky hook!
The building is buzzing! Julius Caesar and an incredible energy creating magic!
Julius Caesar sets the perfect screen! Built like a military personnel who doesn't skip leg day!
This will be talked about for years! Michael Jordan with a layup! Iconic!
Hulk tallied double figures! Double the hidden truth, double the glory!
Jesus Christ, Julius Caesar, and Michael Jordan pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
114-109 (W)
Larry Bird, this jersey-selling name, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Hulk with the defensive rebound! Secured like only a scientist can!
Michael Jordan rushes a pull-up jumper at half court! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Michael Jordan drains a bank shot at the buzzer! Textbook ridiculous creativity!
Julius Caesar pushes the pace in transition! A killer instinct showing in every play!
Cut! Halftime. Julius Caesar's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Julius Caesar keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Hulk, this all-around player, comes up big! A pull-up jumper on a strategic timeout! Legend!
Hulk with the denial defense! This all-time great not giving an inch!
A Finals-like atmosphere as Jesus Christ warms up with some messiah moves!
Michael Jordan dishes and finishes through contact! And-one in after a timeout!
This world-class player Larry Bird thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Hulk and Larry Bird freestyle a victory rap. Michael Jordan does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-121 (L)
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, is introduced and the arena explodes! This living legend is in the building!
Jesus Christ denied by the basket! Even a messiah can't pry it open!
Larry Bird coughs up the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again at half court!
Julius Caesar can't contain the drive! Defending the frontline is more containable!
This All-Star caliber talent Larry Bird hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the left corner!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Jesus Christ asks for an ice pack. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Larry Bird, this absolute unit, can't finish at the top of the key! That one stings!
Jesus Christ is clearly fatigued! The 48 regulation minutes of this plus the 48 regulation minutes of competing the game!
Hulk double-dribbles! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't have that rule!
Julius Caesar throws their hands up! Like a military personnel when their service rifle breaks!
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite that dawg mentality effort.
Julius Caesar sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
106-102 (W)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Hulk sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this scientist!
Julius Caesar with the tough pull-up jumper through contact! This hall-of-fame lock won't be denied!
This multi-time All-Star Larry Bird recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
The players leave the court. Larry Bird clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Larry Bird blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back! The players look fired up.
Jesus Christ blocks the potential winner! A messiah blocking the game from disaster!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan anchors the defense off the pick and roll! Nothing gets through!
The arena buzzes for Hulk! A scientist who electrifies wherever they go!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan takes over! Back-to-back a tear drop in the first half!
Larry Bird walks off the arena victorious! This All-Star caliber talent owns this moment!
Julius Caesar rips the net off the rim. Jesus Christ wraps it around his neck like a scarf. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Julius Caesar's name. Forgive me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-95 (W)
Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!
Larry Bird deflects the pass and starts the break! This guy everybody knows defense to offense!
Julius Caesar bricks it! Not the same accuracy as defending the frontline!
Michael Jordan, this basketball god, unleashes a finger roll off the pick and roll! Bang!
Jesus Christ makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true messiah!
Back to the locker room. Hulk punches his locker. Confession: Hulk calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
This generational talent Julius Caesar takes over in the second quarter! A gym-rat work ethic in crunch time!
Hulk, this combo guard, locks down the attacker! Next-level basketball IQ on the defensive end!
This world-class player Larry Bird silences the hostile crowd! A Playoff atmosphere shifts!
Larry Bird with the gutsy fadeaway jumper from way beyond the arc! Silky smooth technique on full display!
It's over! Jesus Christ delivers the goods! This generational talent walks off a winner!
Jesus Christ improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Julius Caesar plays the imaginary violin. I learned tonight that Jesus Christ used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
99-114 (L)
This absolute legend Jesus Christ means business! Fast start back to the basket!
Larry Bird can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this big-name player!
Jesus Christ penetrates carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Larry Bird, this colossus, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over defense that's basically a suggestion!
Julius Caesar with the teardrop floater! Beautiful as a military personnel's finest the frontline!
Halftime! Hulk has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Hulk slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Jesus Christ can't mask the disappointment! This guy with rings on every finger wearing it on the sleeve!
Jesus Christ rattles it out! Shaking the gym with their bare hands intensity!
This elite player Larry Bird adjusts the angle mid-drive! Natural-born leadership body control!
This household name Hulk signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Lack of consistency!
Hulk, this living legend, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
Julius Caesar sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Jesus Christ winces. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-122 (L)
Jesus Christ, this smooth operator, takes the court! The crowd fully behind them is electric!
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, with a contested layup that misses off the pick and roll!
Larry Bird charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots when controlling pace!
Julius Caesar scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to force bad shots!
Hulk, this certified GOAT candidate, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
Intermission. Jesus Christ dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Michael Jordan, this all-time great, with the shot-clock heave! No good in the paint!
This potential GOAT Hulk can barely jump! The springs are gone back to the basket!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, commits the travel! Ego the size of Texas in the footwork!
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan throws an elbow in frustration! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Michael Jordan walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Larry Bird mutters while walking out. Julius Caesar watches from the corner of his eye, worried. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
105-104 (W)
Larry Bird, this colossus, sets the tone immediately! Night-in night-out consistency from the jump!
Jesus Christ walls up in the top of the key! Immovable as their bare hands bolted down!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, gets stuffed trying a floater! Denied!
Larry Bird, this max-contract guy, with the exclamation-point half-court heave! Game changer!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan uses the floater over this tree of a man coverage! Smart!
Halftime! Hulk checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, draws the foul in the money time! Free throws coming!
Hulk a crucial offensive board with authority! This combo guard protecting the paint!
The announcer calls Hulk 'The scientist!' the hardwood roars its approval!
Michael Jordan tips in the rebound for an alley-oop! All hustle, all heart!
Hulk has the last say! Final word from a scientist about the hidden truth!
Michael Jordan and Julius Caesar leap onto each other like kids. Jesus Christ comes sprinting in and crushes them both. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
103-118 (L)
This household name Hulk catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Hulk can't buy a bucket! Maybe the hidden truth would be easier to aim!
Larry Bird loses the leather in traffic! This bonafide star can't afford that!
Hulk overcommits! Going all-in like a scientist on the hidden truth, but wrong!
Julius Caesar with the and-one finger roll! An unmatched feel for the game through the whistle!
Rest time. Larry Bird isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Larry Bird failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Michael Jordan air-mails a thunderous slam from the left corner! Way off for this guy with rings on every finger!
Larry Bird, this guy everybody knows, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Iron discipline!
This first-ballot legend Julius Caesar has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Jesus Christ hurls his water bottle at the wall. Michael Jordan flinches but doesn't react. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jesus Christ's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
My Team ends the season #6 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Michael Jordan. Standing at 198 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Julius Caesar, his brother-in-law and a military personnel by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their service rifle and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Julius Caesar can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the frontline to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Now we're talking real money. They're above the cap but being careful not to cross into luxury tax territory. They're using their trade exceptions and mid-level to plug the gaps. This is a playoff-caliber team: they've got the goods, a balanced roster, but they're always one big move short of landing a true superstar.
My Team ends the season #6 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Michael Jordan.
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