My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Hulk. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. The chef's surprise of the evening is Jeffrey Epstein. A philanthropist by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-130 (L)
Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!
Darth Vader gets blocked! Rejected harder than a politician's worst day on the job!
Hulk trips up in the free-throw line! A scientist never trips at work... Right?
Tyler Toney watches them score! Just watching, like watching their leather briefcase gather dust!
Darth Vader mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
Rest. Darth Vader buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Juicy intel: Darth Vader turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Charlie Kirk fires away but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Jeffrey Epstein is spent! Used up like the game after a philanthropist's long day!
Tyler Toney throws it away! A pass worse than a businessperson tossing the big deal!
Hulk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a scientist hits the workbench!
Jeffrey Epstein, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite ridiculous creativity effort.
Jeffrey Epstein lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Darth Vader decides not to comment. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
91-134 (L)
Tyler Toney opens with a catch-and-shoot triple! This newcomer making an early statement!
That one wasn't even close, Charlie Kirk! Stick to competing the game!
Charlie Kirk double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Tyler Toney gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Tyler Toney kicks the air! The frustration of a businessperson who knows they can do better!
Halftime whistle! Charlie Kirk grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Juicy anecdote: Charlie Kirk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back! The players look fired up.
This potential GOAT Hulk muscles up a scoop layup but can't get it to fall!
Hulk misses from fatigue! This living legend can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
Hulk loses possession! The hidden truth never leaves a scientist's hands like that!
Tyler Toney argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to closing the big deal!
Charlie Kirk walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to conspiracy theorist life tomorrow!
Tyler Toney chews his nails on the bench. Jeffrey Epstein stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
95-110 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein huddles with the team! Huddling up, the philanthropist strategizes!
Jeffrey Epstein can't convert the open shot! Competing the game is way easier!
Sloppy handling by Jeffrey Epstein! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Tyler Toney beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the big deal slipping from a businessperson!
Tyler Toney attacks at the buzzer and finishes with a free throw! Too good!
Both teams head in. Charlie Kirk has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know? Charlie Kirk has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Tyler Toney goes to work angrily after the turnover! This total unknown spiraling!
Tyler Toney skips it off the rim! The big deal has better hop than that!
This potential breakout star Tyler Toney adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Charlie Kirk, this generational talent, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This all-time great Hulk congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this all-time great.
Tyler Toney shakes Jeffrey Epstein's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-112 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
Tyler Toney misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their leather briefcase at the big deal!
Darth Vader, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Darth Vader gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
Charlie Kirk with the step-back deep three! Creating space like a conspiracy theorist with their bare hands!
End of the second quarter. Hulk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Hulk tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Charlie Kirk vents at their teammates! The conspiracy theorist who vents about the game!
Jeffrey Epstein forces an off-balance shot from the right corner! This living legend trying too hard!
Jeffrey Epstein adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a philanthropist with the game!
This franchise cornerstone Jeffrey Epstein is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!
Tyler Toney walks off in silence. This player nobody saw coming gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Charlie Kirk lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Darth Vader decides not to comment. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
93-104 (L)
Tyler Toney, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This unknown gem is in the building!
Charlie Kirk, this franchise cornerstone, with the shot-clock heave! No good under the basket!
Darth Vader, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the damn ball!
Darth Vader, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
Hulk lays it in softly! Touch softer than a scientist's hands on the job!
Break! Jeffrey Epstein has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Little scoop: Jeffrey Epstein logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Jeffrey Epstein stares in disbelief! The look of a philanthropist who just lost everything!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Jeffrey Epstein goes to the post! That philanthropist strength is showing!
Darth Vader is gassed! This guy nobody was talking about bent over at half court! Heavy feet catching up!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a philanthropist after their bare hands broke!
Darth Vader slams his fist on the bench. Tyler Toney places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
91-118 (L)
Hulk wins the opening tip! Tipping off with scientist energy!
Hulk can't buy a bucket! Maybe the hidden truth would be easier to aim!
Charlie Kirk tries to be too fancy and loses the basketball! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
Darth Vader gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Charlie Kirk sinks it from mid-range. A conspiracy theorist never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
That's a cut. Charlie Kirk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Charlie Kirk talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Hulk, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
Tyler Toney misses the open look! This raw talent can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!
Jeffrey Epstein shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a philanthropist at work!
Charlie Kirk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a conspiracy theorist's energy for the game!
Hulk lets fly past the media. This first-ballot legend not in the mood to talk.
Jeffrey Epstein stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Tyler Toney comes back to get him. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-115 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes Tyler Toney! The businessperson with the big deal has arrived!
Hulk whiffs on the jumper! A scientist off their game with their lab notebook!
Hulk throws it out of bounds! Like launching their lab notebook into the void!
Jeffrey Epstein gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Charlie Kirk drops the head after another miss! Tendency to rush sapping the confidence!
Halftime! Hulk has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: Hulk wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein puts up a buzzer-beater but it won't fall! Off night!
Jeffrey Epstein finds a second wind! The philanthropist engine roars back to life!
Tyler Toney with the careless pass! Closing the big deal with more care, please!
This dark horse Tyler Toney hangs the head after the miss! Deflated driving to the hoop!
Jeffrey Epstein shakes hands through the pain! A philanthropist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Darth Vader clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Charlie Kirk fidgets with his wristband nervously. I learned tonight that Darth Vader used to be a philanthropist. That explains the unique running style. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
73-117 (L)
Hulk explodes into position! This potential GOAT not wasting any time!
Tyler Toney rushes a finger roll off the pick and roll! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Stolen from Jeffrey Epstein! A philanthropist who let it slip through their fingers!
Jeffrey Epstein loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
This potential GOAT Hulk gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break. Hulk asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. True story: Hulk had his parking spot stolen by Minnesota Ice-Wall's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Hulk, this combo guard, loses the handle and the opportunity! Ego the size of Texas!
This unknown gem Darth Vader has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Intercepted! Darth Vader's pass snatched right out of the air! A politician would never be that careless!
Tyler Toney slams the ball in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Tyler Toney leaves the gymnasium with dignity! The dignity of a businessperson with their leather briefcase!
Charlie Kirk hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Hulk keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-127 (L)
Tyler Toney starts in the sharpshooter! Playing the sharpshooter way a businessperson plays with their leather briefcase!
Jeffrey Epstein misses at coming out of the locker room! A philanthropist dropping the game at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk with a wild pass that sails out! This living legend giving it away!
Darth Vader gets posterized! A politician framed by their campaign podium in the worst way!
Charlie Kirk can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
Back in the locker room, Darth Vader sits down and stares at the ceiling. Did you know Darth Vader keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jeffrey Epstein, this absolute legend, comes up empty! A hook shot off target in the paint!
Tyler Toney is gassed! More tired than after a full day of closing the big deal!
Darth Vader loses the rock! A politician would never be this careless!
Tyler Toney shoots the towel! This unknown gem showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
This potential breakout star Tyler Toney tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk claps his hands in frustration. Tyler Toney clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-117 (L)
Tyler Toney takes the court to a boiling cauldron! The businessperson with their leather briefcase is here!
A euro-step from Charlie Kirk goes in and out! Heartbreaking back to the basket!
Hulk dribbles it off their foot! Their lab notebook would never betray a scientist like that!
Darth Vader loses the battle in the paint! Being a politician doesn't help you here!
This total unknown Darth Vader does it again! A hook shot with effortless precision!
Break. Charlie Kirk collapses next to the vending machine. Little scoop: Charlie Kirk tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Charlie Kirk, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
Tyler Toney off the back iron! Hard miss, even a businessperson cringes at that!
This rising star Tyler Toney calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Jeffrey Epstein is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a philanthropist would call it quits!
Jeffrey Epstein consoles teammates! The heart of a philanthropist in that moment!
Tyler Toney taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Jeffrey Epstein walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
99-122 (L)
Charlie Kirk, this undisputed superstar, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Charlie Kirk drives the pill into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Charlie Kirk coughs it up! A conspiracy theorist's grip doesn't work on the leather!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk commits the and-one foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in positioning!
Hulk spins and scores! Pivoting like they pivot with their lab notebook at work!
That's a cut. Darth Vader stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Intel: Darth Vader asked New York Over-Timers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Hulk, this do-it-all player, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!
This undisputed superstar Hulk misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
This first-ballot legend Charlie Kirk uses the floater over this swiss-army-knife type coverage! Smart!
Charlie Kirk asks for the ball to slow the pace! This franchise cornerstone needs air!
Hulk gave it everything! Everything a scientist has, left on the court!
Charlie Kirk lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jeffrey Epstein decides not to comment. I learned tonight that Charlie Kirk used to be a philanthropist. That explains the unique running style. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-108 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the philanthropist means business!
Darth Vader misses! Even a politician can't fix that shot!
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, gets stripped from mid-range! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
This dark horse Darth Vader misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Tyler Toney catches fire! And it's a free throw! Pure God-given talent taking over!
Both teams head in. Charlie Kirk has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote of the day: Charlie Kirk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jeffrey Epstein, this do-it-all player, sits down hard on the bench! Ego the size of Texas written all over his face!
Jeffrey Epstein puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Darth Vader, this tweener, exploits the mismatch driving to the hoop! Smart play!
Darth Vader grabs the shorts! This dude out of nowhere is running on fumes!
Charlie Kirk refuses to make excuses! A conspiracy theorist owns the game failures too!
Jeffrey Epstein walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Hulk speeds up. Wants it to be over. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-115 (L)
Tyler Toney, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Tyler Toney denied by the basket! Even a businessperson can't pry it open!
Tyler Toney with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Darth Vader, this versatile guy, gets exploited in the switch! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk storms to the bench! Heated! This scientist doesn't handle losing well!
Off to the locker room. Darth Vader has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Darth Vader slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Charlie Kirk crosses over the pill but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Tyler Toney stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a businessperson over the big deal!
Charlie Kirk turns it over at with seconds left on the clock! A conspiracy theorist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
This household name Charlie Kirk fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Tyler Toney wipes a tear! A businessperson who poured everything into the effort!
Tyler Toney takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Darth Vader doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-132 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein lands the first finger roll! First blood! The philanthropist strikes first!
Jeffrey Epstein clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Jeffrey Epstein throws it into the stands! What was that from this potential GOAT!
Jeffrey Epstein bites on the fake! Fooled like a philanthropist by counterfeit the game!
Jeffrey Epstein fires away and kicks the stanchion! This basketball god losing composure!
Break. Jeffrey Epstein asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Jeffrey Epstein talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
The rim rejects Tyler Toney! The rim says no! Even a businessperson gets rejected sometimes!
Tyler Toney gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a businessperson begging the big deal for mercy!
Turnover by Jeffrey Epstein! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Jeffrey Epstein throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Jeffrey Epstein leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Charlie Kirk shakes Darth Vader's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-130 (L)
Darth Vader gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a politician on day one!
A half-court heave attempt by Jeffrey Epstein falls short! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
Jeffrey Epstein shoots into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Jeffrey Epstein falls asleep on the weak side! Lack of consistency exposed!
Charlie Kirk storms to the bench! This first-ballot legend is visibly upset!
Break! Darth Vader takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Rumor has it Darth Vader does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jeffrey Epstein rattles it out! So close yet so far back to the basket!
Charlie Kirk can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Hulk gets picked! A scientist getting the hidden truth stolen in broad daylight!
Hulk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a scientist's spirit has limits!
Darth Vader had the chances but couldn't convert. This newcomer left wanting.
Hulk turns back to look at the court one last time. Darth Vader doesn't turn around. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Hulk. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Jeffrey Epstein. A philanthropist by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Hulk.
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
Do you like this creation?
Share it with your friends!
_(headshot_cropped).jpg?width=300&width=400)
.jpg?width=300&width=400)