My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Napoleon. The man. Is. A military leader. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A military leader. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got battle standard and apparently, the technical motion of a military leader and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
97-124 (L)
This living legend LeBron James in the starting lineup! Let's see what this living legend brings!
Satoru Gojo sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Sloppy handling by Napoleon! Rallying the war front is done with more finesse!
Satoru Gojo fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an exorcist chasing the game!
LeBron James with the crafty alley-oop! A killer instinct on display!
Halftime whistle. Benjamin Netanyahu has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Rumor has it Benjamin Netanyahu has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Benjamin Netanyahu drops the head after another miss! Sometimes predictable game sapping the confidence!
Justin Trudeau can't buy a bucket! Another miss at half court! Frustrating!
Satoru Gojo goes small-ball! Adapting like an exorcist who reads the room!
Justin Trudeau digs deep! Deep as a lawyer digs into the prosecution's claim!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, occasional mental lapses proved costly.
LeBron James walks head down toward the tunnel. Benjamin Netanyahu drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
111-114 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu fires up the crowd to open the game! This global icon starting strong!
Justin Trudeau nails a double-clutch layup with the ease of a lawyer who dismantles the prosecution's claim. Natural!
Justin Trudeau gives up the easy bucket! Easier than dismantling the prosecution's claim!
LeBron James misfires driving to the hoop! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
LeBron James explodes with desperation and skill! This living legend not done yet!
Halftime. The physio pounces on LeBron James to massage his thighs. Little secret: LeBron James has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This newcomer Satoru Gojo gets the look but can't convert! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Napoleon slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military leader hits the workbench!
Justin Trudeau shoots like a player possessed! Pure God-given talent unleashed!
Satoru Gojo, this combo guard, gets blocked in the clutch! An iron-wall defense denies this unknown gem!
Satoru Gojo takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad exorcist day!
Satoru Gojo rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Napoleon picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-103 (W)
Benjamin Netanyahu opens with a floater! This global icon making an early statement!
Justin Trudeau fires away with the precision of a lawyer at work. And it's an and-one!
This unknown gem Satoru Gojo with a critical stop! A sky-high block when it counts!
Justin Trudeau leads the break! Leading the charge like a lawyer who runs the show!
Satoru Gojo traps with the double! Trapping them, the exorcist knows how to corner prey!
The players leave the court. Justin Trudeau clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Justin Trudeau is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Satoru Gojo catches and shoots,a buzzer-beater! Quick hands from competing the game!
Justin Trudeau, this combo guard, gets the standing ovation! Immense pressure!
This hidden prospect Satoru Gojo tips it to the teammate! Freakish explosiveness on full display!
The narrative shifts! Napoleon takes control with iron discipline!
That's the game! LeBron James finishes with a monster performance! This potential GOAT victorious!
LeBron James does a belly slide on the court. Satoru Gojo does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-100 (W)
LeBron James, this giant, announced to huge cheers! A roaring arena!
Satoru Gojo anticipates the cut and deflects the rock! This dark horse reading minds!
LeBron James misfires from the left corner! This certified GOAT candidate searching for answers!
Benjamin Netanyahu hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a military personnel lifting their service rifle!
Satoru Gojo iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with exorcist focus!
Halftime. Satoru Gojo is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little secret: Satoru Gojo listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Justin Trudeau converts the and-one in traffic! Tough as dismantling the prosecution's claim in a crowd!
Justin Trudeau plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this basketball god!
LeBron James, this living legend, feeds off every decibel! A Finals-like atmosphere is fuel!
Justin Trudeau sinks it when it counts! Money time for this lawyer!
Justin Trudeau tips their hat! The lawyer salute! Pure class!
Napoleon throws chalk powder like LeBron. Satoru Gojo coughs for two minutes straight. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
121-86 (W)
Justin Trudeau, this versatile guy, takes the court! The boiling cauldron is electric!
LeBron James converts a tough buzzer beater at the buzzer! Skill level: elite!
Benjamin Netanyahu floats a perfect pass! Floating it with a military personnel's soft touch!
Napoleon, this pocket rocket, uses every inch to deliver a thunderous slam!
Justin Trudeau a commanding rebound with authority! This all-around player protecting the paint!
Halftime! Justin Trudeau looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Justin Trudeau tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Satoru Gojo with a pull-up jumper to seal the deal! An exorcist who always closes!
Napoleon turns it into a clinic! Schooling everybody out there!
LeBron James blows past and bumps into the mascot on the sideline! Entertainment!
Satoru Gojo, this unknown gem, with the signature slide across the hardwood! The fans love it!
Justin Trudeau embraces teammates! The bond of dismantling the prosecution's claim together!
Napoleon climbs onto the scorer's table. Justin Trudeau joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-117 (L)
Satoru Gojo steps onto the gymnasium! From competing the game to this, game time!
Napoleon misses! Even a military leader can't fix that shot!
Benjamin Netanyahu pulls up the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this potential GOAT!
Benjamin Netanyahu caught flat-footed! Standing still, the military personnel reflexes took a nap!
Satoru Gojo, this who-is-this-guy player, knifes through for a buzzer beater at the top of the key! Wow!
End of the first act. Justin Trudeau is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Justin Trudeau once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Satoru Gojo, this guy nobody was talking about, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
A double-clutch layup from LeBron James sails wide! This certified GOAT candidate needs to regroup!
Benjamin Netanyahu reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this military personnel!
LeBron James short-arms the shot from fatigue! This household name has nothing left!
LeBron James fires away to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Napoleon lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. LeBron James decides not to comment. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
109-86 (W)
The hardwood welcomes Napoleon! The military leader with the war front has arrived!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this certified GOAT candidate, operates driving to the hoop with an alley-oop! Clinic!
Justin Trudeau, this potential GOAT, shuts down the play in the paint! Lockdown defender!
Benjamin Netanyahu with the behind-the-back pass! Flashier than their service rifle at work!
Justin Trudeau uses their size out there! The lawyer has a built-in advantage!
Halftime whistle! Satoru Gojo slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Satoru Gojo tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Satoru Gojo with another off-balance shot! You can't stop this man!
Justin Trudeau, this basketball god, waves the crowd up! A Finals-like atmosphere rising!
Satoru Gojo trusts the system! Trust of an exorcist trusting their bare hands!
Satoru Gojo is the protagonist tonight! This total unknown authoring a masterpiece!
LeBron James, this long boy, takes the final bow! A bench mob celebration! Dominant display!
LeBron James and Benjamin Netanyahu pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
77-118 (L)
And we're underway! Benjamin Netanyahu touches the Wilson first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
Benjamin Netanyahu shanks it from half court! Defending the frontline uses different muscles!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the ball!
Satoru Gojo gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Napoleon kicks the air! The frustration of a military leader who knows they can do better!
Halftime. Napoleon wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Quick anecdote about Napoleon: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Justin Trudeau can't convert! The lawyer's touch with the prosecution's claim deserted them!
LeBron James is visibly tired! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs a timeout badly!
Justin Trudeau botches the handoff! Even their heavy case law exchanges go smoother!
Benjamin Netanyahu gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Satoru Gojo shakes hands through the pain! An exorcist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Benjamin Netanyahu's gaze is cold, distant. LeBron James's gaze is hot, angry. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
101-92 (W)
Napoleon gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a military leader on day one!
Justin Trudeau with a finger-roll off-balance shot! Dexterity you only get from years as a lawyer!
Justin Trudeau steals the ball! Quick hands from dismantling the prosecution's claim all day!
Satoru Gojo, this who-is-this-guy player, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Silky smooth technique!
Satoru Gojo manages the clock! Time management of an exorcist who never misses a deadline!
Halftime. Napoleon is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Napoleon threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Satoru Gojo scoops it up and in! The touch of an exorcist with the game!
A Finals-like atmosphere spikes every time Justin Trudeau touches the leather! The lawyer effect!
Justin Trudeau communicates on the switch! Clear as a lawyer's directions!
Napoleon drives with elegance and power! This first-ballot legend is the complete package!
This dude out of nowhere Satoru Gojo is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Benjamin Netanyahu and Napoleon stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
91-115 (L)
Justin Trudeau takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
Off the mark for Satoru Gojo! Great exorcist, not so great at basketball tonight!
Benjamin Netanyahu commits the live-ball turnover! Their service rifle would be ashamed!
Justin Trudeau gets crossed over! This global icon left frozen off the pick and roll!
Napoleon, this elusive guard, takes over from the left corner. A bank shot! That's elite!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Satoru Gojo asks for an ice pack. Did you know? Satoru Gojo once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Satoru Gojo throws their hands up! Like an exorcist when their bare hands breaks!
Justin Trudeau can't connect! Their heavy case law in hand, sure. The rock through the hoop, nope!
Justin Trudeau drives to the right spot! That dawg mentality off-ball movement!
Satoru Gojo finds a second wind! The exorcist engine roars back to life!
This basketball god LeBron James stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this basketball god wanted.
Napoleon is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. LeBron James waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
113-101 (W)
Opening possession for Napoleon! First touch, like first touch of the battle standard!
Benjamin Netanyahu steps back through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
This all-time great Napoleon comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Benjamin Netanyahu racks up another assist! Dishing like a military personnel who knows where everything goes!
Benjamin Netanyahu launches into the right spacing! A killer instinct and elite court awareness!
Break. Benjamin Netanyahu collapses next to the vending machine. Rumor has it Benjamin Netanyahu talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
A hook shot! LeBron James cannot be stopped tonight! This undisputed superstar is locked in!
What an electric crowd! LeBron James and the fans creating a spectacle!
LeBron James puts ego aside! The team comes first for this global icon!
Benjamin Netanyahu overcomes the early struggles! This basketball god rising like a phoenix!
This basketball god Benjamin Netanyahu led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Satoru Gojo throws chalk powder like LeBron. Napoleon coughs for two minutes straight. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-113 (L)
Game time! LeBron James and this hall-of-fame lock ready to put on a show at the floor!
Benjamin Netanyahu shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a military personnel would cringe!
This absolute legend Justin Trudeau gets pickpocketed off the pick and roll! Sloppy handling!
Justin Trudeau gets blown by! Even a lawyer couldn't stop that!
Satoru Gojo pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The exorcist in them is showing!
Halftime whistle. Satoru Gojo flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Satoru Gojo is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Justin Trudeau dribbles the ball right into the defender's hands! Sometimes predictable game!
Justin Trudeau, this tweener, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Justin Trudeau with the backcourt violation! A lawyer going backwards with the prosecution's claim!
Justin Trudeau walks away muttering! Muttering about the prosecution's claim under their breath!
LeBron James walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Benjamin Netanyahu mutters 'damn' under his breath. LeBron James says 'yeah' in the same tone. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Benjamin Netanyahu's name. Forgive me. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
99-123 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu starts in the facilitator! Playing the facilitator way a military personnel plays with their service rifle!
Justin Trudeau skips it off the rim! The prosecution's claim has better hop than that!
Satoru Gojo trips up in the paint! An exorcist never trips at work... Right?
Satoru Gojo gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Satoru Gojo treats the rock like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for an exorcist!
Halftime. The doctor examines Benjamin Netanyahu's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little scoop: Benjamin Netanyahu logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Napoleon waves off the play! The authority of a military leader in that gesture!
Justin Trudeau misses at the buzzer! A lawyer who missed the deadline!
Napoleon positions perfectly in the key! Placement of the battle standard on the war front!
Satoru Gojo is clearly fatigued! This ball game of this plus this ball game of competing the game!
LeBron James sits alone on the bench. This guy with rings on every finger processing the defeat.
LeBron James punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Justin Trudeau slides down the wall to the floor. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
97-121 (L)
Justin Trudeau huddles with the team! Huddling up, the lawyer strategizes!
Satoru Gojo dribbles but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
This potential GOAT Justin Trudeau commits the offensive foul! Turnover at the top of the key!
LeBron James gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
LeBron James, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the exclamation-point pull-up jumper! Game changer!
Back in the locker room, LeBron James sits down and stares at the ceiling. Intel: LeBron James asked San Antonio Skyscrapers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Satoru Gojo glares at the scoreboard! This unknown gem not happy with the situation!
Benjamin Netanyahu short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their service rifle!
Benjamin Netanyahu sets the screen with precision worthy of their service rifle! Tactical genius!
Napoleon attacks a step slower than usual! Lack of consistency in the tank!
Justin Trudeau sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a lawyer after their heavy case law broke!
Justin Trudeau's gaze is cold, distant. LeBron James's gaze is hot, angry. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
93-107 (L)
Justin Trudeau, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Nerves of steel from the jump!
Satoru Gojo whiffs on the jumper! An exorcist off their game with their bare hands!
This potential breakout star Satoru Gojo with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Napoleon, this lightning-quick little man, gets blown by on the perimeter! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
A catch-and-shoot triple from LeBron James! This global icon reminding everyone why they're on top!
Halftime. Satoru Gojo glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Intel: Satoru Gojo refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Napoleon dribbles angrily after the turnover! This franchise cornerstone spiraling!
Justin Trudeau, this all-around player, wastes a golden chance with a wild double-clutch layup!
Napoleon sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a military leader at work!
LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, sucking wind after that sprint! The contest of battle!
Satoru Gojo leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as an exorcist after the game setback!
Benjamin Netanyahu looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Napoleon looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Napoleon. The man. Is. A military leader. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A military leader. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got battle standard and apparently, the technical motion of a military leader and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
My Team finishes #11 (6W-9L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
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