My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-3 (L)

The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for T'Challa. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOAL for T'Challa! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Satoru Gojo sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Toji Fushiguro, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The computer scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Incredible solo run from Doomsday, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. The computer scientist finds T'Challa in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective.

GOAAAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

T'Challa unleashes a raking ball out to Black Flash, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Aerial duel won by Black Flash in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

The player finds Beerus along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Tony Stark puts the pressure on the ball carrier and forces the error, high recovery!

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Tony Stark sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Professor X is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. A gorgeous bit of intel — Anakin Skywalker once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 28, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' Right then, part two. Satoru Gojo adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Black Flash sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Tony Stark is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Tony Stark is caught offside by millimetres on Doomsday's through ball. Heartbreaking decision.

Oh it's gone in! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Satoru Gojo weaves through Paris Saint-Glinglin's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Juggernaut screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Brilliant opening from Beerus for Tony Stark, frees up the entire left flank. Tony Stark takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Tony Stark lobs it over the centre-backs, Beerus arrives at pace and finds himself clean through. What composure from Satoru Gojo! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Satoru Gojo plays it short to Tony Stark, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Knee slide from Satoru Gojo right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Toji Fushiguro does the same down the line. Satoru Gojo turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. The player catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The referee books Black Flash for a vicious hack at the opponent's ankles.

The free kick is played as a short pass by Professor X, Beerus picks it up and drives forward. Beerus crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Doomsday is there to meet it. Satoru Gojo rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful.

Good ball from Black Flash to T'Challa, playing it quick between the lines. Bad pass from the player, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Professor X with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy.

Crossfield pass from T'Challa to Beerus, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Beerus shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Toji Fushiguro clean through. Pure genius from that position. SHOOOOT from the player! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Toji Fushiguro goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Juggernaut takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

The player presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. GOAL for Professor X! The keeper parries it in front of him, the ball is loose, he just has to push it in. EASY GOAL but well placed!

Beerus finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. T'Challa plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Satoru Gojo launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on T'Challa after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Brilliant switch of play from T'Challa! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Juggernaut. Driven cross from Juggernaut into the box, T'Challa arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. T'Challa sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post.

The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Tony Stark switches the play to Doomsday on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Doomsday gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. The cross from the computer scientist ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position. Satoru Gojo lumps it long towards Juggernaut, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. The computer scientist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Superb diagonal from the scientist to Anakin Skywalker, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Header missed from the corner by the superhero! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Satoru Gojo plays out from the back with Beerus, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The player rolls it back along the ground for Professor X. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Anakin Skywalker, stop dropping deep. Loki, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Satoru Gojo once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 37, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' And we are back underway! Juggernaut jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Juggernaut plays it simple to Tony Stark, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Body feint from Tony Stark, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. GO ON Tony Stark! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! Tony Stark floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Loki clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

It's a goal! México No-Era-Penal go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Satoru Gojo mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Tony Stark plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Satoru Gojo plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Loki opens up to T'Challa on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. T'Challa sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Doomsday in the thick of it. Enormous leap from the computer scientist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Crucial intervention from the superhero, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Massive clearance from Juggernaut, just get the ball as far away as possible.

What a block! T'Challa slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. BY A WHISKER! Anakin Skywalker fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless.

Solo run from Tony Stark, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. The referee awards a penalty for the superhero! In that position, this is the kind of situation that raises the PRESSURE to maximum. Everything rides on the next few seconds. Tony Stark strikes and CRACK, the post! The penalty rebounds, no goal. Fate is cruel. Long ball from Satoru Gojo for Toji Fushiguro who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

A draw. Toji Fushiguro claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Tony Stark tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-1 (L)

Sombrero from the player on his marker. When you have got that skill repertoire in that role, you entertain the crowd every single match. Loki puts on his personal show! Slalom, dribbles, finish, it is an AUTHOR'S GOAL, GOAL!

Emergency clearance from Juggernaut, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face.

Toji Fushiguro triggers the one-two with Loki in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes. The linesman raises his flag, Toji Fushiguro was a yard ahead of the last defender when Loki played it. Driven kick from Satoru Gojo to Black Flash, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Little shift from Black Flash to Loki, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Professor X charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Shot miles off from the scientist, flies into the stands. In that role, these things happen, just needs to find the range next time. The jujutsu sorcerer finds Black Flash with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Satoru Gojo comes out at the attacker's feet and makes himself huge! Juggernaut hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Black Flash paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Black Flash exhales and sits. The 28-year-old Professor X adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Professor X trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Professor X high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Lightning overlap from Tony Stark, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Tony Stark clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Doomsday gets across the near post first. Poor cross from the computer scientist, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

Huge tackle from Juggernaut! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. The superhero plays it simple to Toji Fushiguro, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Well-taken corner from the superhero but the header is wasted. In that position, delivering crosses of that quality is all you can ask, the rest is down to others. Anakin Skywalker scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Doomsday sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Professor X. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The free kick from Loki is floated in, Toji Fushiguro makes his run to the back post. What a leap from Toji Fushiguro! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Toji Fushiguro burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Toji Fushiguro tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. The free kick is worked short, Toji Fushiguro sets up Professor X who finds himself in a good position.

Oh dear, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Satoru Gojo does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Beerus launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Satoru Gojo arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Intelligent short corner from Loki to Black Flash, they refuse the aerial cross. Black Flash rolls it to Toji Fushiguro, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Smooth transition from Toji Fushiguro to T'Challa, no delay, the game keeps flowing. T'Challa sends an aerial beauty to Juggernaut, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

1-1. Toji Fushiguro and Professor X are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Toji Fushiguro. "Next time," replies Professor X. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

The player bounces off Anakin Skywalker for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. BOOOM Loki UNLEASHES a powerful strike! The keeper was on the line but it scorched his gloves. GOAL!

Loki stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Juggernaut comes over and hugs him without a word.

Oh that's terrible! Dakar Teranga FC score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Satoru Gojo arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Juggernaut slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

SCRAMBLE after the superhero's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. The scientist launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Anakin Skywalker jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel.

Anakin Skywalker meets the corner from Professor X with a header at the near post, just wide. Professor X boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Toji Fushiguro to Black Flash, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Authoritative clearance from Toji Fushiguro in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Ball into space from the superhero for Beerus, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. The player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Satoru Gojo stares at the carnage. Loki swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Now here's a proper one — Professor X was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Tony Stark knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Absolutely dreadful! Dakar Teranga FC score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Satoru Gojo stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Black Flash comes over and hugs him without a word.

Intense pressing from the player, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. The ball from Beerus rips through the defensive curtain, Doomsday is flying into the space like an arrow. Doomsday reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

Wing switch from T'Challa, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Tony Stark brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Tony Stark tries to find Professor X but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Enormous clearance from Tony Stark inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Juggernaut drops a lofted ball to Doomsday, it sails over the entire midfield line.

T'Challa clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Doomsday. Pure quality, as per usual. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. The computer scientist shifts Toji Fushiguro into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Cut-back along the turf from the player for Tony Stark. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence.

Quick throw from Satoru Gojo to Doomsday out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Doomsday goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Professor X thumps his header on the corner from Tony Stark but it flies two yards over. Terrible waste. Short distribution from Satoru Gojo to Toji Fushiguro, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Burst of pace from Toji Fushiguro on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Toji Fushiguro whips in a cross at head height, Beerus anticipates and gets ahead of his marker.

Juggernaut heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Doomsday loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Tony Stark meets the cross from Black Flash with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. Emergency clearance from the jedi, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Full time. Tony Stark applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Doomsday joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

What a CATASTROPHE for Satoru Gojo! He fluffs his handling in the most stupid way possible. Loki produces the tap-in OF THE CENTURY! Well, it was from one yard, but still, GOAL!

High recovery from Loki! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. The player takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Loki tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The jujutsu sorcerer throws it out to Black Flash, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. The player switches the play to Anakin Skywalker, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Overlap from the jedi with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

The jujutsu sorcerer goes long for Professor X, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Professor X pings a ridiculous diagonal to Doomsday. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Incredible burst of pace from Doomsday, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Foul by the computer scientist, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. The computer scientist dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players.

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Through ball from the player for Doomsday, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Doomsday overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. The computer scientist lobs the entire defence with a chipped cross for Toji Fushiguro. That kind of technique is the hallmark of the very best. HEADER from Toji Fushiguro! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky.

Satoru Gojo rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Loki glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." You'll love this — Toji Fushiguro, all 180 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8383 and answer this question: 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?' Beerus trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

GOAAAL for Douala Makossa-Corner! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Full moonwalk from Satoru Gojo, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Loki does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Satoru Gojo applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Satoru Gojo takes his time and plays it short to Beerus. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Raking ball from the player to Juggernaut, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The superhero dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Panicked clearance from Juggernaut, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. T'Challa rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Black Flash spots Anakin Skywalker in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. The jedi gets to the byline and floats one in for Tony Stark. Crossing is his bread and butter. Tony Stark tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. Black Flash boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Tony Stark slides a beauty through the gap, Professor X is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. The scientist is caught offside from Black Flash's through ball. Flag goes up.

Satoru Gojo smashes a volley towards Anakin Skywalker, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Great vision from Anakin Skywalker who switches to Beerus. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Beerus nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy.

Magnificent tackle from Juggernaut! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Anakin Skywalker lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Stalemate at home. Satoru Gojo and Professor X embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?'. The answer was of course fourteen, or twenty-seven if someone says 'right then' before standing up. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

It was bound to happen. Lagos No-Carry-Last score and honestly, we deserved that.

Loki holds it up and plays to Black Flash on the short corner, patient build-up to disrupt the defensive shape. Black Flash reaches the byline and pulls it back for Doomsday, the low ball fizzes through the area. The computer scientist pops up in the right place on the cross from Black Flash! In that position, that kind of presence in the box is what turns you into a goalscorer. GOAL!

Loki sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Professor X photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Toji Fushiguro pings a long diagonal to Professor X, completely shifts the point of attack. Professor X drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Beerus. Satoru Gojo plucks the cross like picking a flower, the whole defence breathes a sigh of relief.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Satoru Gojo sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Satoru Gojo, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Juggernaut lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Tony Stark takes the hit without responding. Satoru Gojo drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Tony Stark is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 56-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' The second period begins and Satoru Gojo launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Switch from Juggernaut! The ball arcs over the midfield and Black Flash collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Ball into space from Anakin Skywalker, Professor X just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. Professor X fires a low ball back across the box for Doomsday, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

Tony Stark goes sliding in and doesn't touch a thing, fresh air tackle that. Awful. The jujutsu sorcerer parries it into the middle, scramble in the box. In that position, you are paid to either catch it or clear it, not gift balls to the attackers. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

They jump on every pass, the intensity is absolutely frightening. Stunning tackle by Toji Fushiguro in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Ball in behind from the player, Beerus is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. BANG! Beerus hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt. Corner cleared, the player finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly.

The computer scientist opens up to Tony Stark on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Inch-perfect cross from Tony Stark, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Beerus at the back post. Outrageous stop from Satoru Gojo! The striker thought it was in but the keeper said NOPE. On the corner from Anakin Skywalker, T'Challa wins the aerial duel but his header goes over.

The opponent gets the better of Toji Fushiguro in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. The jujutsu sorcerer spills the ball into the middle. In that position, that kind of fumble can cost you the match. You absolutely have to either gather it or punch it clear. Satoru Gojo goes long for Loki, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Short pass from the player to Juggernaut, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Clearance from the jujutsu sorcerer towards Juggernaut, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Superb tackle from the superhero, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Good ball from the superhero to T'Challa, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Effort from T'Challa, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

Short restart from the jujutsu sorcerer to Tony Stark, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Tony Stark triggers a change of flanks for Toji Fushiguro, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Toji Fushiguro launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Toji Fushiguro was flying. Toji Fushiguro launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Commanding header from Toji Fushiguro who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Toji Fushiguro did not budge an inch.

It's over and Lagos No-Carry-Last take the points. Tony Stark shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Anakin Skywalker walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

Black Flash goes to ground and takes the opponent with him. Free kick, nothing more. Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. GOOOOOAL! Loki climbs higher than anyone on the pass from Professor X and powers an UNSTOPPABLE header!

Rehearsed move all week: Black Flash and Juggernaut stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Satoru Gojo plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Tony Stark tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Tony Stark gifts Anakin Skywalker a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. GOOOAL from the jedi! POWERFUL strike, the keeper had no chance! In that position, when you have that foot on you, you are dangerous on every ball.

It looked a great goal from Doomsday off Loki's pass but the offside call wipes it out! The referee raises his finger, listening to VAR. Time has stopped inside this ground. VAR denies the player! At that position, a ruled-out goal can knock the stuffing out of a player for the rest of the match. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Devastating burst of pace from Beerus, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Beerus wants to beat his man but it is him who gets beaten. The defender recovers. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

Surging run from Black Flash from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Shifting pass from Black Flash to Juggernaut, the ball drifts into the free zone and Juggernaut is onto it in two strides. Juggernaut timed his run poorly there, Doomsday's pass was good but the flag is up.

Anakin Skywalker punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Now Satoru Gojo has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Satoru Gojo does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Toji Fushiguro throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Toji Fushiguro hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The scientist is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Cross from Toji Fushiguro, header from Loki and... it is over! He should have done better there.

Tony Stark swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Beerus, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Beerus crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Beerus finds T'Challa between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Oh what a challenge! T'Challa goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Clearance from T'Challa under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works.

And it's in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Satoru Gojo slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Juggernaut photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The jedi pulls it back along the ground for Doomsday. The low cut-back is his trademark. OH WHAT A HOWLER from Doomsday! Anakin Skywalker serves it on a silver platter and he sends it over the bar! Satoru Gojo boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for T'Challa! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

It's in the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Monumental ball from Professor X to Anakin Skywalker, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Anakin Skywalker spreads it to Professor X, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Professor X feeds Black Flash in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Black Flash uses T'Challa as a wall, the return is instant, Black Flash carries on into space. Crystal clear.

A loss that will linger. Professor X drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Juggernaut texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Anakin Skywalker slides it to T'Challa, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Feint from T'Challa, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. T'Challa takes his bearings and STRIIIIKES! It is placed, it is on target, IT IS IIIIN!

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. JUST WIIIIIDE from Loki! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Short restart from Satoru Gojo to Toji Fushiguro, building from the back nice and tidy. The player misplaces his pass to T'Challa, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Satoru Gojo dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The player lays it off first time to Doomsday, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The computer scientist cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Anakin Skywalker. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Anakin Skywalker hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" T'Challa takes the hit without responding. Satoru Gojo drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." A wonderful anecdote — Satoru Gojo once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 37 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Escape to the Country Lane! To win directions to a village with no phone signal, text 0800RURAL and answer: 'How far from the nearest Tesco Express must you live before it counts as the countryside?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Loki sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Doomsday sends Beerus into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Overlap from Beerus on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. The player sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Doomsday intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Doomsday pierces the backline with a low through ball, Tony Stark latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. The superhero overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Tony Stark floats a cross in from the wing for T'Challa, the ball hangs in the box! Satoru Gojo grabs the cross like he is at the basket. Perfect take, two firm hands.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Toji Fushiguro throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Satoru Gojo distributes short to Loki, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Poor decision from Loki on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it.

Short build-up from Doomsday to Professor X, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Oh my word Professor X fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Professor X looks up and launches a long pass towards Loki. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

The corner from Professor X is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Professor X accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Failed dribble from Professor X, he tried the skill but the timing was off. Enormous anticipation from Doomsday who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off.

Ball over the top from Loki, T'Challa had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Offside. T'Challa was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Loki passed. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Raking ball from the player to Black Flash, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

And that's a goal! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Satoru Gojo legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Black Flash tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Corner from Anakin Skywalker, Doomsday jumps highest but his header flies over the bar. Clearance from the jujutsu sorcerer towards T'Challa, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Lost it. Satoru Gojo kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. T'Challa hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." Hilary from Surrey says at least three miles from a Tesco Express and you need at least one cow visible from the window. Directions for Hilary! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

One-two between Loki and Professor X on the short corner, they go round the first defender. Cut-back from Professor X along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Beerus centrally. The player prods home the cross from Anakin Skywalker from 4 yards! GOAL! In that position, that positional sense is pure gold.

Loki slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Juggernaut photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. Satoru Gojo produces the perfect spread and blocks the strike at the feet! The attacker had nothing. Massive punt from Satoru Gojo, sends the ball sixty yards, Professor X is scrapping for it up top. Interception from Professor X who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Professor X. Professor X embarks on a breathtaking run, stringing together dribbles and bursts of pace.

Anakin Skywalker caught red-handed pulling the attacker's jersey, can't complain about that one. Yellow card for the jedi, persistent infringement. Can't keep fouling from that spot on the pitch. The free kick from Anakin Skywalker flies high over the bar. The away fans are ducking up there!

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Lifesaving clearance from T'Challa! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Superb diagonal from the player to Black Flash, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Rapid combination: Loki to T'Challa, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Through ball from the player for Black Flash, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. LOOONG range effort from Black Flash! It's heading goalward but the keeper is alert. Corner.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Loki. And you, Doomsday. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Inside info here — Satoru Gojo insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 37, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Juggernaut comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Change of flanks from Tony Stark, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Loki. Loki explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Quick exchange between Loki and Toji Fushiguro, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Toji Fushiguro rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to T'Challa. The far side is completely deserted.

Good ball from the scientist to Toji Fushiguro, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Professor X launches it to Loki on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

They've turned the screw and the defence is starting to buckle. Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. Fantastic high recovery from Black Flash, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. Body feint from Black Flash, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

The player opens up to Anakin Skywalker on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Looping cross from Anakin Skywalker, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards T'Challa. Danger. Cross from T'Challa too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. T'Challa launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Professor X, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

They've done it! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Satoru Gojo sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Anakin Skywalker snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Satoru Gojo waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Massive clearance from Juggernaut in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Satoru Gojo rolls it short to Doomsday into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. The computer scientist rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. The computer scientist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

1-1 and off we go. Black Flash hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Satoru Gojo does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

What a mess! Rio Malandro FC capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Three-man routine: Satoru Gojo, Professor X and Satoru Gojo do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Overlap on the left from Anakin Skywalker, floated cross towards T'Challa who rises highest at the far post. T'Challa launches himself into the air and unleashes a THUNDEROUS overhead kick on the cross from Beerus! GOAL! The keeper was rooted, the ball is in the net, that is pure CINEMA!

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Tony Stark gives it to Anakin Skywalker and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. Tony Stark powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Tony Stark tries a shimmy but slips on the ball. Turnover in a bad area. Black Flash with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Black Flash boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Toji Fushiguro intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Loki threads the needle between the two centre-backs, T'Challa bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. T'Challa celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Anakin Skywalker's pass. Gutting.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Loki sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Satoru Gojo has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Tony Stark spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 56-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' Tony Stark leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Beerus lets rip and it SHAAAVES the woodwork! Inches from a goal, so unlucky. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Burst of speed from the jedi down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Anakin Skywalker chips a cross over everyone, T'Challa finds himself alone behind the defence. Perfect aerial claim from Satoru Gojo! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Satoru Gojo finds Black Flash with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Ten men in the box, this is the big all-in. Black Flash unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Satoru Gojo hoofs it forward towards Anakin Skywalker, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Anakin Skywalker tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Satoru Gojo soars to his left and palms the strike around the post! The keeper is defying the laws of gravity! Professor X launches himself on the corner from Tony Stark and powers a header but it is off target.

T'Challa goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. T'Challa puts it right into the feet of Black Flash, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Firm pass from Black Flash into Toji Fushiguro, right into the boots. No waste. Toji Fushiguro curls a cross to the near post, Juggernaut is lurking in the box. Juggernaut tries to find Beerus with a cross but the defender cuts it out.

The pace is mental, nobody knows how this is going to end. The player thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Satoru Gojo throws it out quickly to Tony Stark, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Superb diagonal from the superhero to Doomsday, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Doomsday strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill.

Full time. Anakin Skywalker applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Tony Stark joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Juggernaut picks out Professor X with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Sharp cut inside from Professor X, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. What composure from Professor X! On the pass from Anakin Skywalker, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

Dead defender. Juggernaut mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Satoru Gojo completes the choreography by collapsing. Satoru Gojo arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Beerus goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner. The player earns a penalty by forcing the handball! In that position, that game intelligence is what turns matches on their head. The superhero misses his penalty! In that position, the pressure of a penalty is the ultimate TEST, and he's cracked.

High recovery from Anakin Skywalker after a three-second press. The defender panicked under the pressure and who can blame him. Killer ball from Anakin Skywalker through the gap! Doomsday bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Turnover from Doomsday, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Decisive interception from the jedi, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Anakin Skywalker boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

Long ball from Juggernaut to Professor X, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Perfectly executed challenge by Professor X, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Professor X keeps it short to Doomsday, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Monster clearance from Doomsday! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Beerus reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Beerus was quicker. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Big strike from the player, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. The corner from Black Flash is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Doomsday, you go left. Tony Stark, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. In a baffling move, Juggernaut adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 28, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. T'Challa wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

What a tackle by Doomsday! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Good ball from the player to Doomsday, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Doomsday to Loki, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Loki and Beerus find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Satoru Gojo places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Toji Fushiguro falls to his knees bowing. Satoru Gojo does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Tony Stark delivers a tidy ball to Doomsday, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Doomsday shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage. The corner from the jedi is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The player plays it simple to Toji Fushiguro, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Clean lay-off from the player to Professor X into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Tight offside against the scientist, Black Flash's through ball deserved better than that. Endless VAR check here, players exchanging glances, managers pacing the technical area. The technology has gone against T'Challa — the goal is not given!

With one swing of the boot, Juggernaut finds T'Challa on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Professor X into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The scientist roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Cut-back along the deck from Professor X, Juggernaut pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on.

Draw. Beerus sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Black Flash waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

What a scramble from Tony Stark's corner! The ball refuses to go dead, defense finally clears! GOOOAL from the superhero at point-blank range! In that position, knowing how to be RIGHT on the penalty spot at the right moment is what makes you indispensable.

Satoru Gojo sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Tony Stark, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The superhero intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Juggernaut changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Anakin Skywalker. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The jedi roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Anakin Skywalker sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers. Toji Fushiguro clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

Doomsday clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Loki sets it for T'Challa, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. T'Challa gives it to Black Flash and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, T'Challa is away.

Brilliant tackle from T'Challa! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. T'Challa decides to take matters into his own hands, he devours the pitch and causes chaos. Pass into space from T'Challa for Juggernaut, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference.

Satoru Gojo plays it along the ground to Loki, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. What positioning from Loki! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. The player finds Anakin Skywalker along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Lay-off from Anakin Skywalker to Juggernaut, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Black Flash gets shifted. Professor X drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Now here's a proper one — Tony Stark was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Tony Stark is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Satoru Gojo and Anakin Skywalker do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Satoru Gojo arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Beautiful distribution from Satoru Gojo to Toji Fushiguro, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Toji Fushiguro wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. The player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Black Flash wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Instinctive clearance from Black Flash who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Loki has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something.

Disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Satoru Gojo scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Toji Fushiguro is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Anakin Skywalker nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Anakin Skywalker takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Anakin Skywalker lays it off first time to T'Challa, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

Loki links up with Beerus, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The player lays it off first time to Tony Stark, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Tony Stark reads the movement from Doomsday and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Doomsday beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. The computer scientist plays it simple to Tony Stark, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Black Flash picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Gutting. Juggernaut throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. T'Challa picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-3 (L)

Free kick swung in by Anakin Skywalker, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Black Flash is lurking. GOOOOL from Black Flash! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Beerus, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lovely anticipation from the player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Black Flash touches the ball with incredible softness and sends it into the bottom corner! GOAL, sublime stuff!

T'Challa stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Toji Fushiguro follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Satoru Gojo plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Nightmare! Sevilla Olé-Olé score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Satoru Gojo sparks the transition with a quick throw to Doomsday, the break is lightning fast. One touch football: Doomsday to Black Flash, faster than the opposition can think. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Satoru Gojo fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. T'Challa plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Black Flash is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Professor X puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. Teammates say Beerus has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 180, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8383 and answer this question: 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Juggernaut comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Superb defensive work from T'Challa there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! T'Challa shifts it to Juggernaut with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Juggernaut releases Professor X with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late.

Massive diagonal from Professor X! Beerus receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. It is not happening for Beerus, the pass to Anakin Skywalker is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Diagonal from Tony Stark to T'Challa, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Satoru Gojo climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Black Flash films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

It's added time, every ball into the box could change everything. The crowd is singing its lungs out, giving the attackers wings. Tony Stark has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Juggernaut bombs back and forces the attacker to slow down. That's the mentality right there! Juggernaut clips the heels of the attacker in full flight. Calculated and deliberate. Juggernaut picks up a yellow for a blatant tactical foul. He'll take that trade all day long. That's a second yellow for Juggernaut and he's been given his marching orders. Ten men now. Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Doomsday clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. Free kick from Doomsday but it hits the wall, no miracle today. What a SHAMBLES in the box after Toji Fushiguro's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds!

Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Lay-off from the player for Professor X on the penalty spot. That kind of game reading separates the good from the great. SHOOOOOT from Professor X, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Tony Stark stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Juggernaut peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many teaspoons of passive aggression are in a British goodbye?'. The answer was of course fourteen, or twenty-seven if someone says 'right then' before standing up. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-4 (L)

They've nicked a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein catch us cold on the break.

Satoru Gojo legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Loki tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

The referee points to the penalty spot! Beerus has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! POST! Beerus's penalty comes back off the woodwork, no goal! GOAL for Doomsday! On the cross from Beerus, he just has to stick out a foot, the ball ends up in the empty net. GOAL!

Almighty boot from Toji Fushiguro who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The jedi trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul.

Satoru Gojo catapults the ball towards Doomsday from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. The opponent dominates Doomsday in the air with worrying ease. Doomsday did not have the tools to compete on that one. Header from Toji Fushiguro, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target.

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. Black Flash tries a crossfield ball to Anakin Skywalker but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. The player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Tony Stark pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Remarkable little detail about Beerus — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 28 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Juggernaut comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

T'Challa sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. The player lays it off first time to Toji Fushiguro, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The player does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Quick one-two between Toji Fushiguro and Anakin Skywalker, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Three-man routine: Satoru Gojo, Anakin Skywalker and Satoru Gojo do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Black Flash. That is exactly why he is out there. Black Flash aims for T'Challa but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. Raking ball from the superhero to Juggernaut, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Powerful run from Juggernaut down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

The computer scientist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Aerial duel lost by the jedi, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. What a claim from Satoru Gojo! He gathers the ball in both hands above the heads of the attackers. Beautiful. Satoru Gojo distributes by hand to T'Challa on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Aerial duel won by the player, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

It's there! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Knee slide from Satoru Gojo right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Juggernaut does the same down the line. Satoru Gojo turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

The scientist opens up to T'Challa on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Crunching tackle by Doomsday on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Doomsday launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Decisive interception from the superhero, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Sublime through ball from Juggernaut for Anakin Skywalker who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. SHOOOOT from Anakin Skywalker... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

That hurts. Loki leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Toji Fushiguro stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Loki nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-3 (L)

Beerus picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. The player finds Toji Fushiguro with a pull-back in the danger zone. The kind of decisive service that makes the difference at the highest level. GOOOAL from the player! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Black Flash shoots, it ricochets off the defender's arm. Penalty! The arm made him bigger, the ref had to give it. Penalty from Professor X! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Heroic recovery from the player, covers the entire pitch to come and help out. In that role, it's that warrior mentality that makes all the difference. The player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless.

Professor X slips Tony Stark in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Loki, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Loki with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Majestic individual run from Loki, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow.

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Doomsday's eyes are bloodshot. Juggernaut looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Absolutely classic — Tony Stark was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 56 years old. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Loki knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Satoru Gojo fires it out quickly by hand to Doomsday, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Sideways ball from Doomsday to Black Flash, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Black Flash gives it to T'Challa into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Superb diagonal from the player to Toji Fushiguro, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Oh that's poor! London Three-Pints score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Satoru Gojo runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Satoru Gojo tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Short free kick, Professor X gives it to Tony Stark who finds himself with space to work with. Floated cross from Tony Stark off the right, T'Challa has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. Cross from T'Challa intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Toji Fushiguro sends the corner into the heart of the box but a defender wins the aerial duel and heads clear. Juggernaut fires the ball over to Beerus with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. The player lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Short restart from the jujutsu sorcerer to Beerus, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Satoru Gojo fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Black Flash plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Doomsday plays the simple ball to Toji Fushiguro, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The player plays it simple to Tony Stark, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Lovely use of the ball by Tony Stark, finding Black Flash in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Corner cleared by the defence, the superhero was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Doomsday anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking.

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. T'Challa plays it simple to Juggernaut, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Lay-off from Juggernaut to Black Flash out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. The player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. That's a beauty from T'Challa! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending.

Tony Stark is first into the dressing room, boots off before the door even shuts. He sits in front of his locker and doesn't move for five solid minutes. T'Challa sits three spaces down, equally silent. The manager lets the quiet do the talking before his debrief. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.