My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is C-3PO. Standing at 167 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Joe Biden. The man is a university professor. A freaking university professor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their lecture notes and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-123 (L)
Joe Biden lands the first devastating dunk! First blood! The university professor strikes first!
C-3PO misfires from downtown! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Zohran Mamdani throws it away! A pass worse than a rapper tossing the fiery bars!
This household name Zohran Mamdani bites on the fake! Beaten at half court!
Zohran Mamdani throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
Break. C-3PO collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know C-3PO entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Albert Einstein misfires in transition! Even this franchise cornerstone has off nights!
Joe Biden barely gets back on defense! Moving like a university professor on a Friday afternoon!
Zohran Mamdani with the careless pass! Spitting the fiery bars with more care, please!
Joe Biden mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
This living legend Albert Einstein stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this living legend wanted.
David Schwimmer replays the score in his head on a loop. Joe Biden tries to think about something else. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
99-95 (W)
The gym welcomes David Schwimmer! The film producer with the risky picture has arrived!
David Schwimmer steals the ball! Quick hands from greenlighting the risky picture all day!
Zohran Mamdani, this franchise cornerstone, fumbles the finish under the basket! Back to the drawing board!
Zohran Mamdani crosses over and it's a step-back three! This basketball god proving the doubters wrong!
C-3PO runs the offense! Running it like a protocol droid runs the show!
Halftime! David Schwimmer checks his stats on the board and winces. I've been told David Schwimmer always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Zohran Mamdani answers back! Response time of a rapper responding to the fiery bars!
This legit talent C-3PO reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
The crowd chants C-3PO's name! An incredible energy for the protocol droid with their bare hands!
Albert Einstein hits nothing but net! An off-balance shot in the first quarter! Unreal swagger!
This solid pro C-3PO caps off a special night! A primal scream! Until next time!
Albert Einstein and Zohran Mamdani freestyle a victory rap. David Schwimmer does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-108 (L)
C-3PO shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with a proven track record!
David Schwimmer, this swiss-army-knife type, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
This guy with a proven track record C-3PO with turnover number buckets! Lack of consistency is piling up!
This household name Joe Biden commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
David Schwimmer converts from back to the basket! A film producer converting the risky picture into gold!
Break. Zohran Mamdani collapses next to the vending machine. Little secret: Zohran Mamdani has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Zohran Mamdani, this once-in-a-lifetime player, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
C-3PO can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The basketball through the hoop, nope!
C-3PO manages the clock! Time management of a protocol droid who never misses a deadline!
Zohran Mamdani is visibly tired! This potential GOAT needs a timeout badly!
C-3PO dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This well-respected player will learn from this.
Zohran Mamdani stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. C-3PO exhales. Again. And again. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
107-103 (W)
This global icon Joe Biden means business! Fast start on the low block!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, blankets the shooter under the basket! No daylight!
Albert Einstein rises up but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
A pull-up jumper from downtown by David Schwimmer! This all-around player with the long range!
Zohran Mamdani sets the screen with precision worthy of their hot mic! Tactical genius!
Break! C-3PO takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little secret: C-3PO has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
C-3PO nails it at the buzzer! Delivered on time like a protocol droid meeting a deadline!
David Schwimmer a crucial offensive board with authority! This versatile guy protecting the paint!
The energy in this building is unreal! Joe Biden channeling a hostile crowd!
This multi-time All-Star David Schwimmer converts the free throws under pressure! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
Joe Biden gets the post-game interview! 'It's like challenging the young scholars,' they say!
C-3PO grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts David Schwimmer's name. The announcer chases him. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
95-104 (L)
The game begins and C-3PO is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Joe Biden bricks it! Not the same accuracy as challenging the young scholars!
Intercepted! Albert Einstein's pass snatched right out of the air! An inventor would never be that careless!
David Schwimmer gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a film producer's worst day on the job!
Albert Einstein cuts and scores! Sharp as their prototype sketch, this inventor!
Halftime! Joe Biden looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Joe Biden once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Joe Biden is visibly upset! Upset as a university professor when the young scholars goes sideways!
David Schwimmer clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their loaded checkbook hitting the risky picture!
Zohran Mamdani directs traffic on the floor! Traffic control by a rapper with the fiery bars!
Albert Einstein blows past sluggishly! Injury-prone body catching up with this hall-of-fame lock!
C-3PO tips the cap to the winners! The protocol droid's grace with the game!
Joe Biden's eyes are red, jaw tight. David Schwimmer apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. I learned that Joe Biden's father was a university professor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
85-111 (L)
Joe Biden checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Joe Biden heaves and misses! Should have heaved the young scholars instead!
Joe Biden with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Joe Biden caught flat-footed! Standing still, the university professor reflexes took a nap!
C-3PO muscles through for a hook shot! The strength of a protocol droid moving the game!
End of the first act. Joe Biden is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote of the day: Joe Biden forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
This global icon Albert Einstein stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Albert Einstein launches from deep and misses! An inventor's range doesn't apply here!
David Schwimmer, this guy everybody knows, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Zohran Mamdani misses from fatigue! Tired arms from spitting the fiery bars all week!
David Schwimmer had the chances but couldn't convert. This top-tier talent left wanting.
David Schwimmer walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Joe Biden speeds up. Wants it to be over. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
86-109 (L)
Joe Biden begins their shift on the gym! A university professor starting the their lecture notes shift!
David Schwimmer sends it wide! Their loaded checkbook wouldn't forgive that either!
Albert Einstein trips up in the paint! An inventor never trips at work... Right?
C-3PO gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
A tear drop from Joe Biden! This generational talent reminding everyone why they're on top!
Halftime whistle! Joe Biden grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Bus driver's confession: Joe Biden raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Joe Biden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
Joe Biden with the off-balance deep three! This global icon couldn't set the feet!
Zohran Mamdani zones up! Defensive zone like a rapper's the fiery bars zone!
Joe Biden, this smooth operator, looks exhausted at half court! The legs are gone!
C-3PO sits alone on the bench. This well-respected player processing the defeat.
Zohran Mamdani whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Joe Biden nods without conviction. I learned that Zohran Mamdani's father was a university professor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
96-110 (L)
Albert Einstein comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the inventor means business!
This seasoned vet C-3PO muscles up a devastating dunk but can't get it to fall!
C-3PO passes to nobody! This player on the come-up with a head-scratching decision!
Zohran Mamdani gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the fiery bars on a rough day!
Joe Biden takes off the leather with flair and hits a buzzer beater! Sensational!
Break. Albert Einstein collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know? Albert Einstein launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Zohran Mamdani steps back the towel! This first-ballot legend showing sometimes predictable game!
Albert Einstein with the ugly miss! The inventor touch is absent tonight!
Albert Einstein, this versatile guy, sets a brick-wall screen! Freakish explosiveness on full display!
Albert Einstein waves for a timeout! The inventor needs the status quo break!
C-3PO walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to protocol droid life tomorrow!
Zohran Mamdani is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. C-3PO waits at the tunnel entrance. I learned tonight that Zohran Mamdani used to be a university professor. That explains the unique running style. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-108 (L)
Opening possession for David Schwimmer! First touch, like first touch of their loaded checkbook!
This undisputed superstar Joe Biden puts up a double-clutch layup but it won't fall! Off night!
Zohran Mamdani gets the ball stripped! The fiery bars would have stayed in a rapper's grip!
Zohran Mamdani left in the dust! Even a rapper moves faster than that!
This global icon Zohran Mamdani capitalizes off the pick and roll! A scoop layup with eyes in the back of the head!
Break. David Schwimmer's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know David Schwimmer started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Joe Biden sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a university professor after a long shift!
C-3PO air-mails an and-one in transition! Way off for this respected competitor!
This player on the come-up C-3PO switches defensive assignments on the fly! An unmatched feel for the game!
Albert Einstein tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an inventor's energy for the status quo!
C-3PO consoles teammates! The heart of a protocol droid in that moment!
Zohran Mamdani walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Joe Biden speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-117 (L)
Joe Biden bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Joe Biden with the contested buzzer-beater from the left corner! No good! Bad selection!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Zohran Mamdani with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Albert Einstein lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this first-ballot legend fooled!
C-3PO buries their face! Hidden from view, the protocol droid can't watch!
Intermission. David Schwimmer dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Locker room intel: David Schwimmer has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
David Schwimmer forces a deep three under the basket! This guy everybody knows trying too hard!
This basketball god Albert Einstein is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
David Schwimmer, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
David Schwimmer pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The film producer in them is showing!
David Schwimmer looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a film producer!
David Schwimmer walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Zohran Mamdani drags one foot after the other. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
95-101 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Joe Biden gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A hook shot attempt by Zohran Mamdani falls short! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
Albert Einstein forces the pass! Forcing their prototype sketch where it doesn't fit!
C-3PO bites on the fake! Fooled like a protocol droid by counterfeit the game!
Joe Biden converts with authority! Same energy they bring to challenging the young scholars!
The players head in. Albert Einstein slips on the wet tunnel floor. Intel: Albert Einstein refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Joe Biden stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
David Schwimmer fires a brick at the buzzer! Way off, even for a film producer!
David Schwimmer reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this film producer!
Zohran Mamdani mops their face! Sweating more than when spitting the fiery bars!
C-3PO shakes hands through the pain! A protocol droid who respects their bare hands and the game!
Zohran Mamdani pulls his cap down over his eyes. Albert Einstein doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I learned Zohran Mamdani used to be a university professor before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-127 (L)
C-3PO announces themselves! The protocol droid has arrived and the building knows it!
A sky hook from Zohran Mamdani hits the iron! Tendency to force bad shots under the spotlight!
David Schwimmer throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure in the paint!
Joe Biden bites on the pump fake! This franchise cornerstone sent flying from the right corner!
Zohran Mamdani vents at their teammates! The rapper who vents about the fiery bars!
Break! Albert Einstein rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Little scoop: Albert Einstein logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
David Schwimmer bobbles and misses! Fumbling the Spalding like it's a Monday morning!
C-3PO is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
C-3PO pulls up the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this legit talent!
Zohran Mamdani storms to the bench! This basketball god is visibly upset!
Albert Einstein wipes a tear! An inventor who poured everything into the effort!
Joe Biden's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Zohran Mamdani hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
108-113 (L)
Zohran Mamdani, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A sold-out gym on fire!
David Schwimmer knocks down a catch-and-shoot triple off the pick and roll! Ice in the veins!
Albert Einstein gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
Albert Einstein, this absolute legend, comes up empty! A scoop layup off target back to the basket!
Zohran Mamdani won't go down without a fight! A rapper defending the fiery bars to the end!
Halftime! C-3PO has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: C-3PO whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
David Schwimmer, this do-it-all player, forces a bad shot in the second quarter! Hot head!
David Schwimmer picks up the second technical! This All-Star caliber talent ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Joe Biden fades away into the record books! This hall-of-fame lock making memories!
David Schwimmer dribbles into trouble! Lost out there like a film producer on the wrong floor!
Albert Einstein walks off in defeat! Even an inventor's skills couldn't save tonight!
David Schwimmer pulls his cap down over his eyes. Albert Einstein doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-119 (L)
Joe Biden, this global icon, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Air ball from C-3PO! Being a protocol droid doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Albert Einstein charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Zohran Mamdani, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Zohran Mamdani penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This all-time great losing composure!
End of the first act. Joe Biden is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Joe Biden tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
C-3PO spins the basketball into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
Albert Einstein, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Turnover by Zohran Mamdani! Spitting the fiery bars requires less coordination, clearly!
C-3PO can't mask the disappointment! This player making noise wearing it on the sleeve!
This solid pro C-3PO leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.
C-3PO scratches the back of his neck nervously. David Schwimmer has the look of someone who has seen things. Evening confession: I'm wearing C-3PO's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-114 (L)
Zohran Mamdani takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Albert Einstein misfires again! Having the status quo-shaped night!
Zohran Mamdani botches the handoff! Even their hot mic exchanges go smoother!
David Schwimmer loses the battle in the paint! Being a film producer doesn't help you here!
David Schwimmer kicks the air! The frustration of a film producer who knows they can do better!
Halftime! Albert Einstein is limping slightly heading off the court. Rumor has it Albert Einstein talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
David Schwimmer short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their loaded checkbook!
C-3PO gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
David Schwimmer loses the basketball! A film producer would never be this careless!
Albert Einstein walks away muttering! Muttering about the status quo under their breath!
Joe Biden fires away past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
Joe Biden is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Zohran Mamdani waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: C-3PO.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is C-3PO. Standing at 167 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Joe Biden. The man is a university professor. A freaking university professor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their lecture notes and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #15 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: C-3PO.
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