My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Abraham Lincoln. Standing at 193 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Adolf Hitler. A soldier in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their service rifle better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Adolf Hitler has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the front line and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-119 (L)
Stephen Hawking steps onto the venue! From challenging the young scholars to this, game time!
A thunderous slam from Adolf Hitler hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
Stephen Hawking throws it away! Occasional mental lapses under pressure along the baseline!
Stephen Hawking bites on the fake! Fooled like a university professor by counterfeit the young scholars!
Bill Clinton waves off the play! The authority of a statesperson in that gesture!
Cut! Halftime. Abraham Lincoln's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Abraham Lincoln tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Genghis Khan can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this franchise cornerstone!
Bill Clinton cramps up! Muscles tight from their diplomatic pouch and the basketball double duty!
Adolf Hitler rises up the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Adolf Hitler gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Abraham Lincoln walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Bill Clinton bites the inside of his cheek. Genghis Khan pinches the bridge of his nose. Evening confession: I'm wearing Bill Clinton's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
109-107 (W)
Adolf Hitler sets the tone early! The soldier came to play tonight!
Adolf Hitler digs in defensively! A gym-rat work ethic when the team needs stops!
Genghis Khan with the contested deep three back to the basket! No good! Bad selection!
A buzzer beater by Abraham Lincoln! The building is rocking! This undisputed superstar takeover!
Bill Clinton goes to the post! That statesperson strength is showing!
Heading in. Genghis Khan's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Genghis Khan keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Adolf Hitler comes alive in crunch time! The soldier instinct kicks in!
Stephen Hawking walls up in the left wing! Immovable as their lecture notes bolted down!
Adolf Hitler soaks in a roaring arena! A soldier savoring life beyond their service rifle!
Abraham Lincoln drains the clutch free throw! Steady as a farmer steadying the seed dibber!
Adolf Hitler, this all-time great, points to the crowd! A team high-five! This was for the fans!
Stephen Hawking pretends to plant a flag at center court. Abraham Lincoln stands at attention. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-117 (L)
Abraham Lincoln fades away with energy from the opening whistle! This global icon locked in!
Genghis Khan clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the battle standard hitting the war front!
This generational talent Abraham Lincoln with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Stephen Hawking, this swiss-army-knife type, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Injury-prone body!
Genghis Khan slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military leader hits the workbench!
Break. Adolf Hitler asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: Adolf Hitler tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Bill Clinton forces a bad pull-up jumper! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to trust teammates!
Adolf Hitler is spent! Used up like the front line after a soldier's long day!
Stephen Hawking, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
Abraham Lincoln stares in disbelief! The look of a farmer who just lost everything!
This generational talent Adolf Hitler shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Abraham Lincoln claps his hands in frustration. Bill Clinton clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-103 (L)
Bill Clinton wins the opening tip! Tipping off with statesperson energy!
The technical flair of Abraham Lincoln recalls their farmer days. A devastating dunk! Sublime!
Bill Clinton watches helplessly! A statesperson watching the political storm fall off the shelf!
Genghis Khan shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A military leader lost in the noise!
Abraham Lincoln cuts the deficit! Cutting through with the seed dibber sharpness!
Both teams head to the locker room. Adolf Hitler wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Adolf Hitler calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Adolf Hitler misses in the clutch! A hook shot off the mark in the second half!
Genghis Khan is visibly upset! Upset as a military leader when the war front goes sideways!
Every time Stephen Hawking touches the leather, you see the discipline of their lecture notes!
Stephen Hawking bricks it when it matters! Their lecture notes accuracy went home early!
Stephen Hawking takes off to the tunnel in disappointment. This hall-of-fame lock will learn from this.
Stephen Hawking walks toward the tunnel without a word. Bill Clinton stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
94-104 (L)
Adolf Hitler announces themselves! The soldier has arrived and the building knows it!
A buzzer beater from Genghis Khan goes in and out! Heartbreaking on the low block!
Bill Clinton coughs up the damn ball! Lack of consistency strikes again along the baseline!
Stephen Hawking overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
What a play by Adolf Hitler! A fadeaway jumper from the right corner! This once-in-a-lifetime player is cooking!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Genghis Khan asks for an ice pack. Quick anecdote about Genghis Khan: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
This basketball god Bill Clinton fouls hard out of frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Adolf Hitler, this living legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good driving to the hoop!
Genghis Khan schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true military leader!
Adolf Hitler can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of defending the front line!
Stephen Hawking wipes a tear! A university professor who poured everything into the effort!
Stephen Hawking mutters while walking out. Adolf Hitler watches from the corner of his eye, worried. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
100-116 (L)
Adolf Hitler checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Air ball from Abraham Lincoln! Being a farmer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Genghis Khan loses concentration and the ball with it!
This all-time great Stephen Hawking fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Adolf Hitler pulls off a tear drop out of nowhere! Was that basketball or soldier magic? Unbelievable!
Both teams head to the locker room. Abraham Lincoln wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Abraham Lincoln calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This certified GOAT candidate Abraham Lincoln can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Stephen Hawking explodes but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Stephen Hawking pushes the pace in transition! Iron discipline showing in every play!
Genghis Khan tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a military leader's energy for the war front!
Genghis Khan vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the battle standard reinforced with the war front!
Bill Clinton's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Stephen Hawking breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-134 (L)
Abraham Lincoln explodes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this undisputed superstar!
Bill Clinton can't convert the open shot! Navigating the political storm is way easier!
Turnover by Abraham Lincoln! Cultivating the stubborn soil requires less coordination, clearly!
Adolf Hitler can't contain the drive! Defending the front line is more containable!
Abraham Lincoln kicks the air! The frustration of a farmer who knows they can do better!
Players head to the locker room. Stephen Hawking has tape on three fingers. Little scoop: Stephen Hawking logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Genghis Khan can't find the range! The battle standard has better accuracy than that!
Stephen Hawking is gassed! More tired than after a full day of challenging the young scholars!
Abraham Lincoln trips up in the low post! A farmer never trips at work... Right?
Genghis Khan, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Abraham Lincoln leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a farmer after the stubborn soil setback!
Stephen Hawking walks head down toward the tunnel. Adolf Hitler drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-104 (L)
Adolf Hitler spins into position! This household name not wasting any time!
Bill Clinton can't finish! The statesperson who finishes the political storm can't finish the play!
Genghis Khan throws it away! A pass worse than a military leader tossing the war front!
Bill Clinton, this tweener, lets the shooter get free from mid-range! Costly lapse!
Stephen Hawking converts with authority! Same energy they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Break time. Bill Clinton bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Juicy intel: Bill Clinton turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Adolf Hitler throws their hands up! Like a soldier when their service rifle breaks!
Abraham Lincoln misses! Even a farmer can't fix that shot!
Genghis Khan runs the offense! Running it like a military leader runs the show!
Stephen Hawking struggles in the final quarter! The university professor hitting the wall with the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Bill Clinton takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Adolf Hitler follows the same path. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
102-122 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Bill Clinton gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Adolf Hitler penetrates the pill into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Intercepted! Stephen Hawking's pass snatched right out of the air! A university professor would never be that careless!
Stephen Hawking gets posterized! A university professor framed by their lecture notes in the worst way!
Genghis Khan drains a layup at the buzzer! Textbook pure God-given talent!
Halftime whistle. Bill Clinton flops into the first available chair. Confession: Bill Clinton calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Bill Clinton mouths off at with seconds left on the clock! A statesperson venting about the political storm!
Stephen Hawking with a wild attempt! This absolute legend not finding the range tonight!
Bill Clinton uses their size out there! The statesperson has a built-in advantage!
Stephen Hawking looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a university professor relieved of their lecture notes!
Genghis Khan shakes hands through the pain! A military leader who respects the battle standard and the game!
Bill Clinton turns back to look at the court one last time. Genghis Khan doesn't turn around. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
85-126 (L)
This all-time great Stephen Hawking catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Brick! Abraham Lincoln misfires on the low block! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Stephen Hawking commits the live-ball turnover! Their lecture notes would be ashamed!
Bill Clinton, this combo guard, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Stephen Hawking explodes angrily after the turnover! This global icon spiraling!
That's a wrap for now. Bill Clinton dives into the tunnel. Intel: Bill Clinton refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Genghis Khan, this versatile guy, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
Bill Clinton, this do-it-all player, laboring up and down! Tendency to force bad shots draining the energy!
Bill Clinton turns it over in the right wing! Butterfingers from this statesperson!
Bill Clinton glares at the scoreboard! This hall-of-fame lock not happy with the situation!
Stephen Hawking tips the cap to the winners! The university professor's grace with the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Genghis Khan picks up his own and folds it carefully. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-112 (L)
Genghis Khan locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a military leader who means business!
Adolf Hitler, this short king, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to force bad shots!
Adolf Hitler dribbles it off their foot! Their service rifle would never betray a soldier like that!
Bill Clinton gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a statesperson's worst day on the job!
Stephen Hawking drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a university professor's spirit has limits!
Halftime! Abraham Lincoln walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Abraham Lincoln clanks another one off the rim! This once-in-a-lifetime player needs to find rhythm!
Bill Clinton is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a statesperson would call it quits!
Genghis Khan with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the war front!
This undisputed superstar Bill Clinton stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This hall-of-fame lock Abraham Lincoln congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hall-of-fame lock.
Bill Clinton claps his hands in frustration. Genghis Khan clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-132 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Abraham Lincoln comes out firing! A layup in the first minute!
Abraham Lincoln sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this farmer!
Genghis Khan double-dribbles! Rallying the war front doesn't have that rule!
This franchise cornerstone Stephen Hawking commits the and-one foul! Occasional mental lapses in positioning!
This undisputed superstar Adolf Hitler hangs the head after the miss! Deflated under the basket!
Halftime! Abraham Lincoln is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Abraham Lincoln plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
That one wasn't even close, Adolf Hitler! Stick to defending the front line!
Genghis Khan grabs the shorts! This global icon is running on fumes!
Abraham Lincoln with the errant pass! This global icon needs to settle down!
Bill Clinton tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the statesperson will bounce back!
Bill Clinton packs up and heads out! Packing their diplomatic pouch, unpacking emotions!
Adolf Hitler refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Stephen Hawking watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I learned Adolf Hitler used to be a farmer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-134 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this guy with rings on every finger, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Bill Clinton misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the political storm!
Bill Clinton, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
Adolf Hitler gets blown by! Even a soldier couldn't stop that!
Bill Clinton, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
Rest time. Stephen Hawking isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking tried to impress the Boston Ring-Chasers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Stephen Hawking takes a tough euro-step and it doesn't go! Sometimes predictable game in shot selection!
Genghis Khan, this smooth operator, looks exhausted at the buzzer! The legs are gone!
Sloppy handling by Abraham Lincoln! Cultivating the stubborn soil is done with more finesse!
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Adolf Hitler, this living legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Bill Clinton hurls his water bottle at the wall. Adolf Hitler flinches but doesn't react. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-111 (L)
Stephen Hawking takes the court to palpable tension! The university professor with their lecture notes is here!
Off the mark for Adolf Hitler! Great soldier, not so great at basketball tonight!
Abraham Lincoln with a wild pass that sails out! This absolute legend giving it away!
Genghis Khan bites on the pump fake! This generational talent sent flying facing the rim!
Genghis Khan with a finger-roll step-back three! Dexterity you only get from years as a military leader!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Hawking high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Bill Clinton buries their face! Hidden from view, the statesperson can't watch!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, gets stuffed trying an and-one! Denied!
Bill Clinton sets the screen at the perfect angle! This absolute legend cerebral play!
Stephen Hawking is clearly fatigued! This ball game of this plus this ball game of challenging the young scholars!
Bill Clinton sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a statesperson after their diplomatic pouch broke!
Abraham Lincoln refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Adolf Hitler watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-125 (L)
Abraham Lincoln huddles with the team! Huddling up, the farmer strategizes!
A buzzer-beater from Stephen Hawking sails wide! This hall-of-fame lock needs to regroup!
Genghis Khan, this solid build, gets stripped from the left corner! Heavy feet exposed!
Genghis Khan gambles for the steal and pays the price! Heavy feet!
Stephen Hawking picks up the second technical! This generational talent ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Abraham Lincoln to massage his thighs. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Abraham Lincoln misses the free throw! Cultivating the stubborn soil under pressure is easier!
Stephen Hawking, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This household name Genghis Khan with turnover number buckets! Ego the size of Texas is piling up!
Genghis Khan vents at their teammates! The military leader who vents about the war front!
Genghis Khan consoles teammates! The heart of a military leader in that moment!
Abraham Lincoln refuses the coach's embrace. Adolf Hitler accepts it but his body is stiff. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Abraham Lincoln.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Abraham Lincoln. Standing at 193 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Adolf Hitler. A soldier in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their service rifle better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Adolf Hitler has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the front line and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Abraham Lincoln.
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